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Monday, February 4, 2013

MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS BETTER WEATHER IN ALPENA

FEBRUARY PREDICTIONS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

Well, January is over and boy was that some kind of a month?  Every time I hung my wash outside all my stuff would freeze solid.  I had to start hanging my laundry out to dry because the laundry mat raised their dryer prices again by a quarter for every ten minutes.  You’d think they were importing hot air from Miami.  If we are getting the hot air from Miami you would think we could trade them for it with some cold air from up here.  Maybe we could have a pipeline of cold air going down to Florida to cool things off and a hot air pipeline heading up here to make our trailers nice and toasty.  Well, it is just a thought.

Anyway, I'm going to predict February is going to be better than January.  I believe it should go by more quickly.  I also predict warmer weather in Alpena.  I've never been to Alpena but it has an exotic sounding name so I mention Alpena whenever I can so that people think I hang out in exotic places.  My friend Herman works at the gas station on Tuesdays (that's when he's out of jail on work release), and he says that once in a while some really well dressed folks from Alpena stop in for some gas and air for their front tires.  Herman says the tires have slight leaks but it's because they are on the bald side that the people probably don't fix them.  Herman says rich people are like that.  They always drive around with bald tires so they can dress-up in nice cloths.    

This year I am not expecting the great lakes to freeze over but we will be getting more snow than normal for the toboggan runs.  I expect every hill in northern Michigan will be full of toboggans.  Of course when you hit a tree with a toboggan it turns into snow boards.  Legend has it that the mighty lumberjack named Jimbo Jones III invented snowboarding when his toboggan loaded with freshly felled white pine logs ran into a really big tree and shattered into a million boards.  Well, along came a big foot looking for lumberjack meat to eat and Jimbo quickly jumped onto a board and glided all the way south to Saginaw before the big foot monster stopped chasing him.    

My further predictions are for all you sportsmen out there.  Fishing in Lake Michigan is going to be not so good this month unless of course you’re using dynamite or some kind of depth charges.  Hunting with guns, bows and traps will be just fair in February but, those of you into picking up road kill are going to have a real record month for harvested game.  Skunks and otters will be the main critters taken in this month’s road kill harvest.  Of course just remember to parboil the otter meat until the meat turns a creamy yellow and use lots of tomato juice to take the gamey taste out of the skunk meat.  Personally, I prefer adding a can of cream-of-mushroom soup to all wild meat and a couple pounds of onions and a clove of garlic for each prepared pound of wild game helps to hide those flavors you might deem to be nasty. Now a fresh bottle of Mogen-David wine can help settle your stomach after gorging on wild game obtained from Michigan’s roads and highways. Myself, I prefer to drink a bottle of wine before I start eating wild game.  It seems to greatly improve the overall dining experience and provides for an ambiance that otherwise might be lacking in my trailer’s kitchenette.   

Well, good luck for the coming month and happy Valentine’s Day to all you romantics out there.

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