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Saturday, March 16, 2013

A PSYCHIC NIGHT AT THE OPERA

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
By Madam Misty Merkel
The weather is going to remain hot and dry and unfortunately, I predict a record number of forest fires this year. Global temperatures will continue to rise and the North Pole will disappear. That’s not my prediction. It’s just as I sit here I’m reading the global warming prediction off the back of a cereal box. I guess this global warming thing means that igloos will be a thing of the past just like the VCR. I always wanted to build an igloo to live in. I guess I’ll never get the chance. I also need a VCR since I have about 500 tapes of old TV shows I’d like to watch again someday.

I am predicting that Interlochen Arts Academy will have a great season this year. That has some really cool concerts with a variety of musicians. A lot of arts places just play like opera music. I once had a friend named George that insisted that I go to an opera with him. I went but when I got there I wished I had not. Everyone there was dressed up real fancy and I just wore a pair of slacks and a blouse. I figured everyone would be looking up at the stage and not at each other in the audience.

As far as the music goes they did have some pretty good tunes especially, the music that the orchestra played before the singing began. For me the entertainment was pretty much over once the singers took the stage. For one thing they didn’t speak English. George told me they were singing in Italian. He told me that most operas were sung in Italian or German. I told him that if they were singing in a language other than American English they needed a screen up on stage with sub-titles in English. I’m part German but, except for the words to “Auld Lang Seine” I can’t speak another word of that language.

Another problem I had with the singing is that the singers all sang different stuff at the same time so ,even if you had an Italian to English translating manual in your hand you could never flip though the pages fast enough to look up all the different words that were bantered about at the same time. It wasn’t long and I was getting a headache. My head ached even more since the two characters that seemed to be constantly singing (a man and a woman), seemed to hold on to their high notes way too long. If they did that where I live the dog catcher would be right their to haul them off to the pound. Those opera singers needed to take some singing lessons from Willie Nelson. He knows when to let go of a note at just the right time.

Finally, George noticed that I was getting real fidgety so he explained the plot to me. It seems the opera was about a husband and wife and they were fighting. Of course I guess in Italy people sing at each other when they fight. Where I come from they yell and throw things at each other like empty beer cans. Most people have a lot of empty beer cans sitting all around their house so, that makes the empties the most convenient thing to throw. Of course no one would ever dream of throwing a full can of beer at someone because it might pop open and then a whole can of beer would go to waste.

The end of the opera was really depressing. It seems everyone just killed themselves and that was the end. I could kind of understand why they did what they did. After sitting threw the whole show I was starting to think of doing the same. Actually, I really wanted to kill George for talking me into going to the opera. I did not understand the words at all or the plot very well. On top of that I was humiliated since everyone stared at me because of the way I was dressed. I was also humiliated in one other way. You would think that in a big room like that no one would be able to hear someone like me out in the audience blow their nose. Well, everyone heard me and I think I got “Shushed” by the whole audience.

P.S. I have a suggestion for the opera operators. They should let the audience bring in pop and pop corn during the opera. The operators could make more money like during a boring movie, at least the audience could keep itself entertained by eating. That’s just some food for thought.

Friday, March 1, 2013

BEWARE THE LEPRECHAUNS OF MARCH

BY MYSTIC PSYCHIC MADMAN MISTY MERKEL

Well, February was a month of surprises. Take those two space rocks that almost destroyed the earth. I bet you didn't see them coming. I certainly didn't and I'm supposed to be a world famous psychic. Of course the reality is that planet earth was under attack by a nasty space monkey trying to get revenge for some past problem he had with Cape Canaveral. All I have to say is "get over your problem space monkey". A grudge is something for losers. If you really want to get even with someone you need to get a gypsy to put a curse on them. Believe me a gypsy curse is very effective. I've had several of them placed on me and I haven't been able to break any of them yet.

The weather in March is going to be cold and nasty. Of course the first day of spring will be here on St. Patrick's Day. I won't be drinking any green beer this year because when I do my skin turns green (that's one of those gypsy curses I was talking about).

March of course, is when you have to watch out for leprechauns. It's a myth that leprechauns are actually dangerous. They will bite and scratch if you get them in a corner but most of the time they are just nasty little practical jokers. One thing they like to do is offer to make coffee for you. Now you might think they are going to add some of their best whisky to the coffee to make it "Irish" style. But, what they will do is add laxative to the coffee and then after you've downed about a half a pot the leprechaun will insist on going for a long drive way out in the boonies. Of course once you're way out ten miles from any toilet well, that's when the laxative really kicks in. I tell you what, I'm not falling for that again this year. After I drink the leprechauns coffee I'm not leaving my trailer. I'm gong to have the last laugh this year.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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