MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL AND THE WILLOW WITCH OF THE WEST (MICHIGAN)
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
The Trailer Park Psychic
Well, it's September in Northern Michigan and Summer is just about done for. All the people in Northern Michigan are busy cleaning out their wood stoves and chimneys. It's especially important that you clean out your chimney if you live in a trailer since you stand about a 50-50 chance of your home burning down during the winter from creosote buildup. You might also loose your trailer to a cigarette in the sofa or maybe a mouse chewing up your electrical wires. Sometimes, on Halloween rowdy teenagers in the park will set your trailer on fire by tossing a burning jack-o-lantern through your window. Luckily, that only happens to me about once a year.
Being an old veteran of trailer living I know that the best way to prevent loosing my home to fire during the winter months is to just let the snow buildup on the roof. Of course there is the problem with cave-ins in Northern Michigan but you just learn to deal with such situations as they arise.
I predict that during the day in September, you will see fewer children wandering around the Malls. I also predict that temperatures will cool down toward the end of the month. With cooler temperatures I predict that the psychic business of willow-witching will also cool down.
During the past few months, willow-witching has been fairly lucrative for myself and others. For those of you unfamiliar with the art and sport of "Willow-Witching"; it is the making use of a forked willow branch to divine where something can be found like water, oil or mayonnaise (I can never remember which cupboard I put the new jar).
Now, as I said willow-witching has been a very lucrative business this summer and a particular friend of mine really hit the jackpot when it comes to this business. She is none other than Even, the Willow Witch of the West. Of course Even is a peculiar name but, believe me she is a really peculiar girl. She doesn't actually do any Willow-witching herself but, she does supply all the witches and psychics in Northern Michigan with the magic forked willow branches that are necessary to be a successful diviner.
Now, the history of Even is kind of strange. Even's family had always been treated badly by the greater society so, when her parents had their first and only child they named her Even as in "get even". In short, Even had very dark hearted and vengeful parents and they installed in their little a girl a general distrust and dislike of humanity.
Even now lives under a willow tree. The willow tree became her home one day when she found a full sheet of plywood. Evidently, it had blown off of a truck and slammed into Even as she walked along the highway. No one stopped or came back for the plywood so when a couple of days later Even woke-up out of her coma she immediately realized that she had a new home. Even dreamed of taking the sheet of plywood back to New Orleans with her and setting up a beach home on Lake Pontchartrain However, the full sheet of plywood proved too heavy for Even to take back to Florida with her so she drug it into the woods and found a large willow tree. Even then leaned the piece of plywood against the tree and had an instant home.
When the sheet of plywood struck Even she had been on her way to Florida from Michigan. Even always went to Florida during winter and came back to Northern Michigan each summer.
Even had always been a free spirit and never had settled down in a real home. She once owned a tent but it got blown away during that hurricane down in New Orleans. Even lived several months living out in the open but, when that piece of plywood slammed into her head and torso her life changed forever.
Even claims that while she was lying unconscious next to the highway she had an out-of-body experience. While in that state of mind a space-alien came to her and granted her the ability of enchantment. The space-alien told Even that whatever she enchanted with special powers would in fact have special powers.
Even didn't know what to make of her out-of-body experience but, she knew that she had to find someplace to build her new home. After all, it's not everyday that a brand new house falls off a truck. So, once Even found this large willow tree she set about building her home. Even tried several different ways of leaning the plywood against the tree and finally settled for leaning the long edge against the trunk. She didn't have any stand-up room but she had a large area in which she could move around. She could even lay out flat on the ground to sleep just like she was staying in some sleeping in the backseat of someones parked car.
Well, Even happened to take up residence under the very willow tree where I and many of my colleagues got diving branches for willow witching. Up to that time we had only had moderate luck at willow witching. Unfortunately, we only got paid if we witched-out the exact thing our clients were looking for. If I found a gold mine while willow witching when my client wanted me to find water then, I didn't get paid.
As I approached the willow Even sprang up from her home and asked "What are you doing here?"
I of course explained that I was a mystic psychic and I often used willow branches for divining things for people.
Even asked," what do you mean divining things for people?"
I said, "I divine things for people or find things for people using the enchantments of willow branches. But, for some reason the enchantment of the willow branches seems to be a bit precarious. Sometimes I find what I'm looking for and sometimes I don't."
"Enchantment you say," responded Even. "I had a recent experience where a space alien came to me and granted me the ability of enchantment. Go and grab a willow witching branch and I'll enchant it and we'll see if it improves your abilities as a diviner."
I didn't have anything to loose so I went and twisted off a forked willow branch and after peeling off the leaves I took it over to Even. Even then set about licking the entire branch with her tongue. I knew then that Even must be of Eastern European extraction since that is the sort of thing that I've heard that they do there. I thought it was kind of gross but, where money is involved a trailer park psychic can't bee too choosy about how her things get enchanted.
"There you got," Even said to me as she handed me back my willow branch. "It's all enchanted now."
Well, I took that very sticky branch back with me and used in on my next willow witching job. I was supposed to find someones lost underwear with a picture of Elvis on the backside. It was a long shot but my client had offered me $20 to find the underwear so I figured since he was willing to pay twice my normal rate that I was going to give it a go. And guess what, I found the lost underwear. It turned out the underwear had been stolen by a carnie-ride operator. He was wearing the underwear when my willow branch pointed me into the bathroom at a McDonald's. I burst into the bathroom and caught the man sitting on the potty while wearing the Elvis underwear on the wrong side. When I explained to him that the gig was up he quickly pulled off the underwear and handed it over to me. My client was so happy to get his Elvis underwear back that he gave me a two dollar bonus.
Well, it wasn't long before the word got out about Even's ability to enchant things. People came from all over the county to get things enchanted. From willow branches to my crystal balls, Even was busy with her enchanting. Eventually, Even started charging a dollar per enchantment. Soon Even was so rich that she could afford to buy another sheet of plywood. Once that plywood was placed on the other side of that old willow tree Even knew she had just moved up several notches on the social scale. For Even was now the proud occupant/owner of a double wide lean-to. Even had achieved the American dream.
Eventually, the government heard about Even's talents so she was hired as a government contractor to supply enchanted willow branches to the Department of Homeland Security. So, now at every airport instead of screening people and their luggage with x-rays there is actually a little person inside the old x-ray machine with a willow branch willow-witching everyone and everything moving through U.S. airports.
THE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SHORT-LEGGED PIG - My pig has short legs by design, A genetically engineered short-legged swine, His legs can't support his great weight, So, like a good mate, He stays home sh...
1 day ago