By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Assistant Contributer
Humor News Nuts Online Publications
Hey loyal fans and those who linked to this blog my mistake, I am Madam Merkel, Northern Michigan’s trusted trailer park psychic and polisher of petoskey stones.
I am ready to give you my predictions for this month. First of all, I predict that this next month will be hot for this time of year. So, you may want to keep a stash of ice on hand. You see because school is starting right about now all those home schooled kids will be firing up their computers to play power hungry video games all day which will drain the power grid and cause it to crash several times. And, on these really hot days the home schooled kids will be demanding some ice cold fruit flavored drinks to drink while they wait for the grid to power up again. Hence, and I love using the word “hence”, you’ll need a stash of ice to cool off the kids’ drinks and for the ice pack you'll need for your parenting related headache.
You know kids today are so lucky that they can stay home and play video games. They can even learn a trade from their parents. Most of the people in my trailer park are chemists and it’s nice their children can be home to learn that trade and take part in the family business. That is if the parents can pry their kids away from gaming.
Now, back when I was young I had to go to school all day. It was so boring. There was always someone there asking questions and telling us kids we had to read something or do some math problems. And math, whoever uses it once you’re out of school? I’ve never done any math for any job I ever had and I certainly don’t need any math to do my psychic predictions. No calculations needed in my line of work. I just pull my psychic predictions out of thin air.
Now, in addition to my prediction that it is going to be a very warm month I is also predicting that there will be a new amendment to the Michigan State Constitution making it legal to go troll hunting year around without a license. This amendment is intended to stop the spread of trolls in Michigan. Michigan trolls are greatly irritating people all over the state with their smug online attacks and their dastardly sneaking around behind closed doors to invade our privacy. In many instances they will post our privacy online. Well, shame on those trolls.
Personally, I know I’m being plagued by trolls both online and in my trailer. Not long after I lay down to sleep last night I heard something rustling around in my bedroom. I turned on the light but, didn’t see any sign of an intruder. I did notice that something seemed to be making whiny noises under my bed so I reached under it expecting to pull out a cat, rat, bat or some other critter but instead, something bit me. I think it might have been a troll because so many people are having all sorts of troll problems but, mostly the troll problems occur online and not in their bedrooms.
Of course, there are several types of trolls online including recipe trolls, political trolls and credit card number trolls. Now, the trolls I just mentioned are pretty irritating but, the worst ones are the grammar and spelling trolls.
Now you may be shocked to find out that I don't have any formal education much. I know that my lack of education must be a shock because you're probably saying that the way Madam Merkel thinks and writes makes her seem like someone who should be teaching English at the college level. Well, I am flattered by how you must be thinking however, I do have a couple of problems with spelling and grammar and those nasty trolls are always pointing out all of my grammar and spelling mistakes. I think those trolls are just trying to make me feel bad because I didn't graduate from high school but, I did graduate Sigmund Corn Loudie from the school of Hard Knucks. How many people can say that?
Anyway, all I can say is watch out trolls. I’m a mystic not a statistic. I got friends on the other side and I don’t just mean the ones in jail. I’m talking about the ones on the other side of the grave; the departed, the deceased, the spirits of the dead. I might not be able to find your hiding spots but the spirts can. And, don’t forget, my spirit friends only grow more powerful as Halloween approaches and right now Halloween is just a couple of months away.
Meantime, I’m going to take a broom handle and start poking away under my bed and I’ll bet you that the troll living under there is going to be pretty sore by time I get through.