By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
I've decided to find out once and for all who is going to be the president. I've used all my psychic abilities to try to see into the future but alas, I just can’t get a clear picture on this one so, I've decided to use the nuclear option on this one and go down the street to the trailer of the weird sisters; My direct psychic competitors, and divine from them the outcome of this election.
I suppose I should give you a bit of background regarding the Weird Sisters and I have to say that "weird" hardly describes them. The sisters are not considered weird because they have always lived together, never married or even dated and, spend all their time cooking and eating. You see in my trailer park there are lots of sisters living together to share expenses like rent, have a roommate they can trust and spend a lot of time cooking and eating what they cook. Luckily, most of these sisters like to give out samples of their cooking to neighbors who like myself, don't like to cook but, still like to eat good stuff.
That all said, the weird sisters are considered weird because of the demonic powers they seem to draw from the chili that they coagulate in a large black cauldron in front of their trailer every afternoon on All Hollow’s Eve.
Well, this year I went down to visit the weird sisters to find out from them if a man or a woman would be sleeping in the White House after this year’s election for president. I did not want to ask the weird sisters the name of the person who would be sleeping in the white house because they would just give me some indirect answer anyway.
As luck would have it all three weird sisters were busily stirring their wicked chili together when I approached them on All Hollow’s Eve.
“Hi Morgen, Zorgon and Dorgon. How are the sisters Gorgon doing today?” I addressed them by their first names and their last name, Gorgon.”
“The sisters Gorgon are doing very well on this most festive of holidays." replied Morgan, "We are preparing our chili for the potluck that our place of worship is having this evening. Would you like a little taste of it in a bowl?”
“It smells so delicious I can’t help but take a sample of it, thank you,” I said. All three sisters were on the chunky side. No doubt they did a lot of sampling of their creations as they concocted them. This of course made me feel very safe to taste their food since they obviously did a lot of tasting themselves.
Morgon then said, “We have to first say a little word over our chili and add the final ingredients before we can give you a sample Madam Merkel. Do you have a few minutes?”
“No problem,” I said.
“Well sisters, let’s begin now,” Morgan said as each sister held up by a thumb and forefinger a part of the final ingredients.
The sisters then began a short incantation with each sister reciting exactly one sentence and then releasing their ingredient into the chili.
“Wing of bat,” Morgan said as she released from between her thumb and index finger what looked to be a rodent wing.
“Tail of rat,” said sister Zorgon as she released a long hair string like tail into the chili.
“Eye of Nat,” said weird sister Dorgan as she released the thing that really creeped me out, a very real looking human eyeball.”
Then the sister chanted the following incantation:
“Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, and boil
The bear and chief inspector,
The election totals they will spoil.”
Well, I was just shocked. I couldn’t believe it and I just had to say something,
“Hey sisters,” I said, “That looked like a real human eye that you dropped into your chili. What’s up with that?”
“Well, that was an eye from Jerry Nathan who lives down the road,” responded Zorgon.
“You mean one-eyed Willie,” I asked.
“The same,” answered Dorgon.
“So now one-eyed Willie doesn’t have any eyes left and can’t see at all?” I proclaimed.
“Naw,” responded Morgon “that was his glass eye. Every year he lets us use it in our potluck Halloween social down at our church. The person who gets the surprise in their chili, the eyeball, wins the jackpot which is a brand new vacuum cleaner courtesy of the second hand store in Chum’s Corners. And, our course if you’re wondering, in order to claim the prize, someone has to give up the eyeball and then we return it to Jerry along with all our sisterly love and affections for his good and charitable lending of his eyeball to our good cause.”
“Wow, that’s a relief,” I remarked to the weird sisters. “Can I have a bowl of you delicious chili now?” I asked. I was actually getting quite hungry and I was intending to go out trick or treating later on that evening.
Weird sister Morgan then used a ladle to place some very chunky looking chili into a porcelain bowl and then Morgan handed me the bowl along with a plastic spoon to eat it with. She then kindly handed me a few oyster crackers which I then dropped on top of my homemade chili.
“Well, this looks delicious,” I said. “Too bad I don’t have any cheese,”
Unfortunately, we just don’t have that,” responded Dorgon with a sigh, “But, if you wait a few hours you’ll be making your own cheese.”
We all broke out in a very loud laugh. Dorgan’s joke was just so funny. Then, I started stirring around my chili with my plastic spoon and found that it seemed to have a lot of flakes of what looked like skin in it along with pieces of intestine looking worms. “What’s all this stuff in my chili?” I asked.
“You must be referring to the pedestrian roadkill that we add to our chili. It’s really just like zucchini. The roadkill does not have much taste but, it’s really good filler. Otherwise our chili would be too strongly flavored by tomatoes and taste like everyone else’s chili”.
“Oh, that sounds alright,” I responded. “I just didn’t want to be eating something weird. Something that, no one in Northern Michigan hasn’t eaten before.
After I was done eating I handed my empty bowl and spoon back to the weird sisters. The chili was delicious but, it could have had more salt for my liking but I didn’t want to say anything insulting before I got my presidential prediction from the weird sisters.
“Thank you kind sisters for a taste of your wonderful chili,” I said. “I didn’t get any eyeball so I guess I won’t get a prize.”
Then Morgan said, “You should come to our potluck tonight Madam Merkel. You might win the big prize and it only cost a five dollar donation to sample all the chili’s there.”
“I’d love to come,” I said, “but, I’m going trick-or-treating tonight with a friend. Say, I do have a large favor to ask you sisters though.”
“Anything for you Madam Merkel,” replied Morgan.
Well sisters Gorgon, as you probably know there is a presidential election going on and I am having a hard time predicting it and I was wondering if you couldn’t help me out by giving me your prediction.
“No problem,” replied Gorgon. Then, the three weird sister each grabbed hold of the long ladle that sat in their chili and began stirring it together. After a few seconds the sisters chanted together the following:
“After a campaign so much contested, where evil shouts and good protested, within the White House it shall keep, a man and woman will lightly sleep.”
After that I walked back to my trailer racking my brain to decipher the Gorgons prediction. Then, it came to me. Finally, I had my answer. I can now say with complete certainty that the presidential candidate who wins will share the White House with their spouse. Those weird sisters are pretty amazing. No wonder I lose so much psychic prediction business to them. I just wonder who got one-eyed Willie's eye in their bowl of chili? Of course, maybe no one got One-eyed Willie's eye. But, does that mean we are all in the jackpot?