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Thursday, January 19, 2012

WHAT TRAILER LIVING IS ALL ABOUT


By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I predict that winter is going to last a really long time this year for people in the North while people in the South will have a wonderful time soaking up the sun.

You know the saying “The grass is always greener,” well believe me it is true.  I received a postcard from the sisters Christie and Twisty Merkel and they are down in Miami.  They said the sun is so warm and the grass is so green that a person could forget that a place like Kalamazoo Michigan even existed.   Well I just threw out that postcard and I’m going to pretend I never got it.  They are just really rubbing it in because I’m stuck in a trailer park way up in Northern Michigan this winter and I don’t have the money to even get to the balmy Michigan weather they are having down in Detroit.  I don’t think they even have a foot of snow down in Detroit and with my finances I can only dream about getting that far south.

Another irritating thing about the weather up here right now is that part of the roof on my trailer caved in.     It happened to be my bedroom so this morning I woke-up with wet sheets and snow in my face.  Then, when I rolled out of bed and my feet hit the floor the flow gave way under me and I ended up standing with my legs in the crawl space and the rest of me standing up in the bedroom above the floor line.  I was so disgusted that I sat down on the floor behind me only to have my behind smack down to the crawl space because the entire floor in the room was too sopped with water to support me.   Finally, I made my way to the hallway and was able to find some solid floor to climb up on.

I should not be surprised that my floor collapsed with all that water on it.  A few years ago when I was getting out of the tub the floor gave way underneath me and I am not a heavy woman.  The woman a couple of trailers down from mine was sitting on the pot once and the whole thing went right through the floor.  She was a good fifty pounds heavy than myself so I could see her floor giving way underneath her but, I never thought it would happen to me.  I guess it’s that cheap glue they use in that particle board that just does not hold up under water.  My next floor is going to be made out of something water proof because leaking roofs and pipes are what trailer living is all about;  not to mention living with the constant fear of cave-ins from both above and below.





Thursday, January 5, 2012

MADAM MISTY MERKEL: A NIGHT AT THE OPERA

By Madam Misty Merkel
The weather is going to remain hot and dry and unfortunately, I predict a record number of forest fires this year. Global temperatures will continue to rise and the North Pole will disappear. That’s not my prediction. It’s just as I sit here I’m reading the global warming prediction off the back of a cereal box. I guess this global warming thing means that igloos will be a thing of the past just like the VCR. I always wanted to build an igloo to live in. I guess I’ll never get the chance. I also need a VCR since I have about 500 tapes of old TV shows I’d like to watch again someday.

I am predicting that Interlocken Arts Academy will have a great season this year. That has some really cool concerts with a variety of musicians. A lot of arts places just play like opera music. I once had a friend named George that insisted that I go to an opera with him. I went but when I got there I wished I hadn’t. Everyone there was dressed up real fancy and I just wore a pair of slacks and a blouse. I figured everyone would be looking up at the stage and not at each other in the audience.

As far as the music goes they did have some pretty good tunes especially, the music that the orchestra played before the singing began. For me the entertainment was pretty much over once the singers took the stage. For one thing they didn’t speak English. George told me they were singing in Italian. He told me that most operas were sung in Italian or German. I told him that if they were singing in a language other than American English they needed a screen up on stage with sub-titles in English. I’m part German but, except for the words to “Auld Lang Seine” I can’t speak another word of that language.

Another problem I had with the singing is that the singers all sang different stuff at the same time so ,even if you had an Italian to English translating manual in your hand you could never flip though the pages fast enough to look up all the different words that were bantered about at the same time. It wasn’t long and I was getting a headache. My head ached even more since the two characters that seemed to be constantly singing (a man and a woman), seemed to hold on to their high notes way too long. If they did that where I live the dog catcher would be right their to haul them off to the pound. Those opera singers needed to take some singing lessons from Willie Nelson. He knows when to let go of a note at just the right time.

Finally, George noticed that I was getting real fidgety so he explained the plot to me. It seems the opera was about a husband and wife and they were fighting. Of course I guess in Italy people sing at each other when they fight. Where I come from they yell and throw things at each other like empty beer cans. Most people have a lot of empty beer cans sitting all around their house so, that makes the empties the most convenient thing to throw. Of course no one would ever dream of throwing a full can of beer at someone because it might pop open and then a whole can of beer would go to waste.

The end of the opera was really depressing. It seems everyone just killed themselves and that was the end. I could kind of understand why they did what they did. After sitting threw the whole show I was starting to think of doing the same. Actually, I really wanted to kill George for talking me into going to the opera. I did not understand the words at all or the plot very well. On top of that I was humiliated since everyone stared at me because of the way I was dressed. I was also humiliated in one other way. You would think that in a big room like that no one would be able to hear someone like me out in the audience blow their nose. Well, everyone heard me and I think I got “Shushed” by the whole audience.

P.S. I have a suggestion for the opera operators. They should let the audience bring in pop and pop corn during the opera. The operators could make more money and like during a boring movie, at least the audience could keep itself entertained by eating. That’s just some food for thought.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

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