I am Madam Misty Merkle, resident phychsic of the “Humor News Nuts” Internet magazine and member of tcbrandt global Internet publishers. I use a weegie board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I tranced out but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got wasted on her own corn liquor and fell asleep smoking a cigar on the hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore ye with the numbest of acorns don’t queer my deal with the predicting angels. Don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what the world looks like that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

Overall, I predict things will be pretty good in 2010. We have a large stimulus package that the government is pushing. Bankers are getting their cut. Car dealers are getting their cut. People that over borrowed are being rewarded for their bad judgment. In life I’ve been rewarded with six alimony checks for my bad judgment.

Oh, and the stock market is going to go up then, down then, up again. The final number at the end of the year I can't predict except it has a two in it. I don't know where I'm comming up with the two in the final stock market number except that the apricot brandy I've been sipping has made me realize I've got two hands. I've got two feet too. Two must be some sort magic number like 666 or seven.