My Conversation With Ludwig The Martian
by Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel
Well, now the frost is on the foliage and there's
a real nip in the air. The leaves are
turning color and the squirrels are trying to gnaw their way into my
trailer. All these signs point to fall
and with fall comes the time when the souls of the departed wander aimlessly
through my trailer park. Unfortunately,
most of these former personages usually end up at my door wanting me to impart
to their living kith and kin certain information that the departed neglected to
pass on before they passed on. Some of
the information involves finances such as regarding lost wills, buried
treasures or, matters not so important like maybe something as mundane as to
how to start the Chevy while in third gear or some family recipe for mincemeat
that was never written down or passed on orally. Of course, since the dead don't have any
money it really is not profitable for me to use my gift to help their loved
ones and, I don't run a charity here. I
have to make a living selling myself to those with cash. Hence, because of all the bother from
deadbeat deadsters I don't really look forward to Halloween anymore.
Of course my readers are a different matter. I don't really make any money blogging about
my psychic talents however, there is always the potential someone will take a
commercial interest in my abilities and hire my abilities at what I hope would
be premium prices. So, for my many
readers and potential benefactors I've planned something special to celebrate Halloween
this year. It has to do with the recent
discovery of water on mars. You see,
since there is water on mars it only stands to reason deductively that there
must also be intelligent life on the planet so, I decided to use my abilities
to contact the Martians this year as sort of my Halloween treat for my
dedicated readers and potential employers.
Now, in order to contact Mars I had to rely on my
Petoskey stone. The reason I used a
Petoskey stone is because Northern Michigan and Mars are the only two places in
the galaxy where you can find a Petoskey stone and since Petoskey stones are
psychic mediums I figured I would be able to contact a Martian who was in
possession of or vicinity of a Petoskey stone.
And so, I proceeded drinking a bottle of wine and going into a trance
while rubbing a nicely polished Petoskey stone in between my fingers.
Well, it wasn’t long before I made contact with
Mars. In fact, it was with a Martian
named Ludwig. "Hello Ludwig,"
I called out across millions of miles of space. "Don't be alarmed. I'm Psychic Madam Merkel calling out to you
from planet earth. I can sense you are
not human and I believe your name is Ludwig, am I correct."
A few moments passed. I imagined the alien creature might have been
a bit shocked hearing from someone from another world. "Hi madam Merkel," a voice deep
within my head responded. "I am on
planet mars and my name is Ludwig. I was
just polishing my Petoskey stone and thinking about visiting earth."
"Visiting Earth?" I said. "Why would you be visiting earth?"
"Well Madam Misty, I'm out of
cigarettes. You wouldn't happen to have
any cigarettes on you?"
“No, I don't have any cigarettes,” I said.
"Cigarettes aren't good for you so I don't smoke them."
"Then, do you have any beer," Ludwig
asked.
"No I don't have any beer," I
replied. "I can't drink beer
because it gives me gas. I drink only
wine and liqueur and I only drink them because they help to put me in a trance
so I can contact spirits."
"That's too bad," Ludwig commented in a
dejected voice. "I need a smoke
really bad. I guess I'll have to go to
earth and pick up some smokes and beer."
I said, "Since you’re going to come to earth
then you must have space travel technology."
Nah; we don't have any spaceships or any
technology at all. We just have rocks.
That's all we've got here. A guy
recently discovered water here but, no one knows what to do with it. It's really weird stuff. First it's hard then, it's soft, it's hot,
it's cold. Like I said, it doesn’t seem
to be good for much but maybe we can sell it to tourists as a souvenir or
something. I really don't know but, I
do need to get to earth to get some cigarettes."
"Well, if you don't have spaceships how are
you going to get here?" I asked.
"I’ll just hitch a ride from some passersby’s. I just have to climb up a mountain and stick
out my yozi and someone will stop."
"So you just hitchhike from planet mars
onboard some spaceship from another world.
And, you stick out your "yozi." So, what's a yozi anyway? Is it like the human thumb that we humans use
to get a ride?"
 |
| Artist Concept: Martian uses yozi to hitchhike to earth. |
"That seems pretty odd," I commented,
"What can you do with just a yozi?"
"We do everything with our Yozi,"
Ludwig replied. "We hop around on
our yozi, we shoot hoops with our yozi and we play tetherball with our
yozi. Of course the Martian with the
longest yozi usually wins at tetherball but hey, it's still our major sporting
event and it’s one where every Martian can show off his or her prowess with his
or her yozi. And finally, the best thing
that we do is we cuddle with our yozi. It’s
pretty hard to cuddle if you don't have a yozi.
Of course you humans couldn't know anything about cuddling since you
always have your fingers up your nose and who'd want to cuddle with you anyway after
you've been digging away up your nose all day."
I began to become afraid that Ludwig was taking
me into some deep dark places that I and my readers did not want to go so; I
decided to end the conversation. "Well,
Ludwig," I said," I hope you can catch a ride to earth so you can get
some cigarettes and beer. I'm going to
have to be going now since the wine I drank is wearing off and I'm starting to
come out our my psychic trance but, before I go I just want to wish you and all
my readers a Happy Halloween."
Then Ludwig said “And, a Happy Halloween to you
Madam Merkel and to all the peoples of earth.
I just wish I had some cigarettes."
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