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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

FINANCIAL PREDICTIONS

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Like most psychics, I use a number of methods and tools to predict the future. Taro cards, rare magical stones, crystal balls and various personal possessions of the dearly or even nearly departed. Today I used a wee gee board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I went into my predictive trance but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got snockered on her own corn liquor. Then, she fell asleep smoking a cigar on a hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to all put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2010. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2010 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what’s inside that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I am Madam Misty Merkle, resident phychsic of the “Humor News Nuts” Internet magazine and member of tcbrandt global Internet publishers. I use a weegie board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I tranced out but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got wasted on her own corn liquor and fell asleep smoking a cigar on the hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore ye with the numbest of acorns don’t queer my deal with the predicting angels. Don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what the world looks like that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

Overall, I predict things will be pretty good in 2010. We have a large stimulus package that the government is pushing. Bankers are getting their cut. Car dealers are getting their cut. People that over borrowed are being rewarded for their bad judgment. In life I’ve been rewarded with six alimony checks for my bad judgment.

Oh, and the stock market is going to go up then, down then, up again. The final number at the end of the year I can't predict except it has a two in it. I don't know where I'm comming up with the two in the final stock market number except that the apricot brandy I've been sipping has made me realize I've got two hands. I've got two feet too. Two must be some sort magic number like 666 or seven.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

GLOBAL WARMING IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
I do not usually listen to the news. I am a psychic so why should I listen to the news when I can just predict what’s going to happen. However, today I woke up and my TV was still on since last night. I have a rural electric coop electric service so; I predict that my bill this month is going to be horrible. Anyway, the TV said that former Vice President Al Gore was predicting that the world is getting warmer.

I couldn't’ believe what I was hearing. When did the President fire Al Gore? I thought the President and Vice President were getting along really well. The Vice President must be as devastated as Conan O’Brian after loosing such a good paying gig. That’s why I don’t work out anymore. I got tired of being canned. The stress of being led out of the building by security is just too much to bear. Especially, when they put those handcuffs on you just because, you’re yelling and kicking a bit. I don’t feel too sorry for our former Vice President. They keep extending unemployment benefits so he can live pretty well for a long time before he has to make a living busing tables of slinging drinks.

Being a barmaid was one of the ways I paid for Beauty College. My advice to Mr. Gore is that if he wants to get good tips he should wear something tight fitting. Another tip is that if he sees someone with a five dollar bill in their hand he should always give them a little wink. And, it doesn’t matter whether the person is a guy or a gal. After all, a five dollar tip is a five dollar tip. It might pay for the former Vice President to go to trade school or something.

Computer repair is a really popular trade now days. My cousin Steve does computer repair and makes $7.00 per hour. That’s only fifty cents less than the minimum wage in this state. Of course he gets paid under the table and doesn’t have to pay taxes or anything so, that makes it o.k. My cousin Steve says that paying taxes is being a real Smoe. I don’t know what a Smoe is but, it rhymes with Moe and he was one of the three stooges and they were really dumb although, Moe was the brightest one of the three. Of course that’s just my opinion.

I conclude my predictions about global warming by saying I definitely believe it is happening. I looked outside today and my thermometer says the temperature is at least ten degrees warmer today than it was just a week ago. I predict that the temperature outside will be several degrees warmer in just a few more months. I guess between predicting things like, it’s getting warmer outside and, slinging drinks, the former Vice President and I have a lot in common.

THE MOON MONSTERS WILL NOT ATTACK EARTH DIRECTLY

By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?




My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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