PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Associate Investigator Of The Paranormal
Humor News Nuts Publications
I've finally recuperated enough from New Years Eve to post my predictions for 2014. On New Years Eve I attended the Black Cherry Drop in Traverse City. I of course spent all afternoon visiting all the local bars so that by the time the big cherry was to drop at midnight I had to get really close to it to notice it dropping. Well, when the big cherry dropped it bopped me right on the head and knocked me senseless to the ground. When I came to my senses everyone was gone and I was just lying there in the open cold. I crawled along for a while until I came to a porch and then I climbed underneath it for shelter. Unfortunately, I ran into a very large raccoon already bedding down for the evening. The raccoon was not happy to see me and snarled and bared his teeth. I snarled back and bared my teeth because I certainly was not happy to see him. It wasn't long before the two of us were wrestling around under that porch. I got scratched up pretty good but, I bit off the raccoons right ear. The scratches I got will eventually heal but that raccoon will remember his missing ear the rest of his days. After I spit the ear out the raccoon ran off so I had the entire place to myself. It was kind of cozy under that porch but, when the sun finally came up I was glad to crawl out to the nearest sidewalk and stand up like a human being.
After I got back to my trailer I took a couple of days to rest up before I decided it was time to contacts the spirit-world for guidance to my annual predictions.
I usually consume a bottle of wine before the spirits are ready to contact me but, having not quite recovered from New Years Eve I could not stand the smell of even a single glass of wine. Luckily, I had a half bottle of schnapps left over from Christmas Day and that was enough to conjure some predictions for 2014.
First of all, I predict the winter will be long and cold. Spring will be almost non-existent and next summer will be sweltering hot followed by a mild early fall followed by a snownado in Northern Michigan. There will also be a yettinado but, that will be up in Canada so no one really cares except for the guy that still live there.
I predict the Republicans will completely control all governmental offices after the 2014 election; except for the office of President of the U.S. The winner of that election will be a member of the Peabody Party. That's the party made up of fans of the old "Peabody and Sherman" cartoons. They believe the best way to change government is to go back in time and interfere with some well documented historical event. I suppose if a Peabody member wanted to get rid of the Tea Party they'd just go back in time and snitch to the British about the planned destruction of private property in Boston Harbor by a group of white men dressed up like Native Americans.
The economy will tinker along in 2014. Ginger-snaps will be the new sensation on the Internet. I'm not sure what they'll be doing on the Internet but, I think I'm going to eat some since they sound pretty good right now. Clothing stores and manufacturers will be going out of business in droves in 2014 when a new pragmatic approach to dress design is adopted by the general public. The design style will be called "naked" and everyone in the U.S. will quickly adopt it. It seems that people will realize that for hundreds of years they've been paying for cloths when they could get by not paying for any clothing and just walk around in the suit of cloths they were born in. Personally, there are a lot of people living in my trailer park that I would buy cloths for just so I wouldn't have to see them in the buff.
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