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Friday, May 24, 2013

WHEN THINGS GOT "FUZZY"

By Psychic Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic

Today my good friend President Nixon stopped by the trailer to wish me a happy Memorial Day Holiday.  He said there was going to be a really big celebration on the other side and that if I happened to get killed in a car wreck or something this weekend, I would be invited.   I thanked him for the invitation but told him I had to decline on the grounds that I had other plans.    My other plans of course were related to not being killed in a "car wreck or something" this weekend.   I just hope he wasn't so offended that I never get invited to anything again.  Some spirits are like that you know, vengeful.  Ending up on some spooks enemies list is really the last thing I want to do.

 I'm still a little creeped out over the invite so I've decided not to go anywhere this weekend.    I'll just hang out here in the trailer park and watch Teddy set off some of his homemade dynamite out in the street.  Last year he set the dynamite off too close to his trailer and blew- up his back bedroom.  He lost six chickens and a pig which he kept housed in that back bedroom.  No one cared about those nasty loud chickens he had but I was kind of fond of that pig.   I did get a nice slab of back bacon that came slamming though my screen door.  I probably should have gave  the back bacon back to Teddy but, “finders keepers” as they say.     Besides, I had to replace the piece of plastic in my screen door window and it cost me a small fortune for the duct tape.  Of course, I duct-taped that piece of plastic in my screen door real good so even a cannon ball will bounce back off of it.  (Teddy fires off his cannon on the Fourth of July).

Well, as I said I'm going to stay put this weekend right here at the trailer park.  Now my prediction for next month is that an asteroid is going to hit somewhere.  My mind was a little fuzzy when I was in my last trance so it might not quite be an asteroid hitting somewhere.  It could be an asterisk being misplaced somewhere.  It could also be an aster being picked somewhere.  Like I said things have been really fuzzy around here.  It started when that trailer down the street that had all those young guys living in it, blew-up.   There was this terrible haze and an awful bathroom chemical smell.  Then, a lot of people in astronaut suits showed up and took the young guys away in a bunch of police cars.   I don't remember much after that.  That's about the time things got fuzzy.       

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS MAY

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Associate,
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, May has begun. As far as the weather is concerned I predict that May will be the warmest month so far this year. I further predict that there will be less snow in May then there was in January. My weather predictions are said to be "uncanny" and "always right-on" so, you can take my prediction for May to the bank.

When it comes to politics, I predict that the ghost of Lincoln will be haunting the Lincoln bedroom at the White House. Specifically, he'll be lying down in his bed next to any guest who ventures to stay overnight in that room. Just be warned if you do stay in Lincoln's bed this month that ghosts have really cold feat and tend to snore often and loud . They also tend to use the bathroom a lot so they're in and out of bed all night long. Flatulence is also a problem for many old ghosts. I don't know what ghosts eat but it goes without saying that the louder the thunder the worse the odor.

For you sportsmen out there I have a really important prediction for you; there will be an incredible number of Big Foots hatching out of eggs this spring. Since Big Foots grow to full adult size in less than six weeks by next fall the numbers of Big Foots taken by hunters, I will predict right now, hit a new all time record in the State of Michigan. Personally, I don't like to eat Big Foot meat however, I do like to eat the eggs. The eggs are just Divine when scrambled in real butter and Christmas eggnog just isn't quite right without using Big Foot eggs to make it. Yum, Yum, Yum!!! So, good luck hunters and remember me if you get one that's full of eggs. Remember, Big Foot eggs are best before they are laid. The ones already laid in a nest tend to be a bit on the rubbery side.

Now, I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem.  But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.

Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course to such critics I have to say that I am only prejudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.

Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like vampires or werewolves, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, believe me boys and girls, a gnome is not what you want to shrink down to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostracised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostracised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.

The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will literally give you rabies (some say cooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth at the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a bus person use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my ex husband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.

I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.

 

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

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