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Friday, June 16, 2017

TRUMP WIN PREDICTED IN MARCH 2016 BY MERKEL

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Yesterday I asked my Petoskey stones "who is going to be the next president of the United States?"  After I asked my stones the question I lit some incense I bought from a local Michigan Incense Dispensary and drank a bottle of wine while I waited for the spirits of the stones to answer my question.  It took about an hour then, suddenly, I fell into a deep trance and had a vision. 

Now, in my vision I pictured a large St Bernard crossing a river called the Rubicon.  And, after the St. Bernard crossed this river he got into an expensive American Motors sports car called a Matador and sped up a very large, steep hill.  About halfway up this hill the St. Bernard put his car on cruise control and then the big old dog started barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump..." until finally, the St. Bernard swerved off the side of the road and went crashing down toward the bottom of the hill and all the while the dog was still barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump...".  


Then, I woke up from my trance and found myself lying on my back on top of my trailer looking up a sky full of stars.  Now, all this would have been strange enough except that this little chipmunk hopped up on top of my foot and then ran all the way up my body to my nose where he stopped and looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Do you have any more of that incense?  I and my friends have been watching you for the last four hours and we'd kind of like to join your party.  The squirrels offered us some rotten old decomposed acorns to burn for incense but, the acorn incense just gives us headaches and make our noses run."

Thursday, June 1, 2017

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Part-time Contributor,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments like in the U.S. or U.K.   Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, Knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue and sped off to harass some other people no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

BLING IS THE THING TO MAKE THE SPIRITS SING

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Markel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I can't stress enough the need to wear lots of bling for good luck. I wear rings on all my fingers and toes. I also have bracelets from my wrist to my elbow. And why wear earrings if they don't dangle down to your shoulders. Of course most of my bling is gold. I mean it's gold colored not real gold. I buy my stuff at rummage sales. In order to get real gold you have to go to one of those fancy pawn shop type stores. Who has the money for that?

Anyway, the spirits don't seem to mind. Just like my boyfriends, spirits don't know gold from the hole in the ground they crawled out of. Yesterday I had four different spirits stop in just to find out when I got my cat's eye ring. That's a cat's eye stone on a ring for my finger and not a ring through my eyeball. I'm not going to get pierced all over like the teenagers do now days. It's bad enough I got a tattoo that says "I Love Wally" tattooed on the back of my neck. Wally has been dead for 18 years and the ladies at the hair salon ask me how's Wally doing?". It just brings back sad memories.

Anyway, I went to the casino last week and won a hundred bucks on the slot machines. My bling was making the spirits sing because I parlayed my hundred bucks into a one hundred and fifteen bucks on the black jack table. I only wished I had some ponies to bet on. Wally and I used to go to the track and bet on the ponies. He bet on ponies and was a jockey at the same time. He always had me bet everything on a horse he was not ridding and sure enough, Wally never rode a winning horse but, we made lots of money. Funny how he knew the horse he rode would never win. I guess he was physic too. Not so physic though to know he would be thrown off a horse named Evil Knockers. Poor Wally had his head split open like a watermelon on the 4th of July.

Anyway, wear lots of bling and you'll hear those spirits sing. At least you'll hear those slot machines sing and quarters ding. I must have written 500 words by now so I can quit and hang out with my bling at the beach.
'

Saturday, April 1, 2017

APRIL PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS

Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Contributor 
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

April Fool's Day has been relatively uneventful here in my trailer park.  A couple of gunshots and the police and ambulance that came racing into here today are the only interesting events to happen.  Of course, someone is always getting shot, stabbed, bludgeoned and/or arrested in my trailer park.  A social scientist once made of study of the park to see why this particular trailer park had some many brutal crimes committed in it.  The social scientist concluded that the violent crime rate was high here because the lot rent is too cheap.  The scientist said that because we were only paying $60 a month for lot rent that a lot of non-working violent criminal types occupied most of the lots.   The scientist said that other trailer parks had much less violent crime because the people in them paid $200+ per month for a lot.  Now, when the park manager heard this he immediately raised the lot rent up to $200 per month.  That resulted in the manager getting beat up and then, the manager dropped the lot rent back down to $60 per month.  Evidently, that over educated social scientist did not understand the following economic law of supply and demand:  No matter what the supply is, if you charge too much you're going to get your greedy butt kicked.  This economic law is especially true if you're dealing with mostly violent criminal types.

Anyway, I predict that April will be a good month for commodities.  Butter will be something people should stock up on because May is going to be a big month for deep-fat fried butter.  Oh, is that so good!  I think I'll fry some butter as soon as I'm done with this column.  You know it might be a good idea to stock up on plastic baskets to drop into the deep fat fryer.  I usually go through four or five plastic baskets every time I make deep fat fried butter.    

I also predict for April a real increase in government deportations.  Now, even though I was born in Kalamazoo Michigan I've been picked up and deported 14 times.  I was deported twice to Mexico, twice to Canada, once to New Zealand and nine times to Ohio.  The funny thing is is that I got back to Michigan really easy from all my destinations except for Ohio.  The machine gunner nests and landmine fields down along the Michigan-Ohio border are really had to navigate through.  The last time I crossed that border I thought I got nicked by a bullet and lost part of my left ear but luckily, it was just an earring that got shot out but, boy did it hurt.  I'm just glad it was a clip-on and came off real easy.  Still, it hurt a lot.              

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

THE FIGHT OVER BUNS AND POP AND AVOIDING GNARLY TOENAILS

By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Psychic And News Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

There will be wild swings in the market this month.  I'm talking about the gas station mini-market where I buy my wine.  I predict this month that Ned, the guy who delivers the pop will get into a fight with Jack, the guy who delivers the buns.  The fight will be over sharing shelf space in the front window of the store.  I foresee that Ned will get in some nasty blows upon Jack but, Jack kicks like a little girl so in the end Jack will prevail.  Jack will be stacking his buns on the front shelf in front of the window and Jack's showcased buns will earn him big time sales.  And of course, poor Ned will have to take his pop to the back of the store which is probably better for the customers since the back of the store is where the coolers are.  

I'm kind of thinking that the ice will be off most of the lakes in Northern Michigan by mid-month.  I'm predicting an overall warmer spring than normal with a summer so hot you can cook an ingrown toenail if you're out in the sun for an hour.  I'm only mentioning ingrown toenail because I happen to have one right now and the pain keeps my mind focused; focused on the pain I mean.  I just hope my toenail problem straightens out by summer so I can paint up the old toenails before I walk around the trailer park with just my tong shoes.  Nothing makes a person look less attractive than messed up toenails.  A lot of couples break up once it's revealed that one of them has really ugly toenails.  Certainly, no one wants to have kids with someone who would add an ugly toenail gene to their gene pool.  It just wouldn't be fair to the kids.  I mean would you want your kids to end up being ashamed of their own feet?   So, if your getting your dates off  the internet make sure you check out the feet before you meet.    I mean an awful looking face you can learn to love but, those gnarly toenails are going to be slashing and stabbing you all night long for maybe thirty or forty years or until one of you leaves the relationship or kicks the bucket.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

MYSTIC MADAM MERKEL AND THE GROUNDHOG DAY GAMES

MYSTIC MADAME MERKEL AND THE GROUNDHOG DAY GAMES
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
The Trailer Park Psychic
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Wow, what a Groundhog Day.  It was intense.  It was insane.  It was by far the most painful day I have ever spent in Northern Michigan and a day that I and others will celebrate and, a day that will live on in infamy for generations of residents of my mobile home park.

It all started with The Groundhog himself.  He lived down the street from me on the corner of Sweetie Lane (where I live) and Belligerent Boulevard (where a lot of animals live.)  His trailer sits on the opposite side of Sweetie Lane just about one hundred yards away from my trailer.

Nobody knows where The Groundhog came from. Some say he came from the rich people’s trailer park located just down the road from here.  They say he is actually rich and decided to try “slumming it” by living in this trailer park which is mainly occupied by the lowest of the lower class.  

Still, others believe that The Groundhog is an alien from outer space.  I’m not sure what proof they have for the alien groundhog theory but, in Northern Michigan just about everyone up here tends to be very paranoid about alien invasions.  Myself, I just believe he is just a mean old groundhog that grew up in a backwoods swamp where his only friends were mosquitos, muck-rock snakes and his still full of moonshine.  Regarding moonshine, I have heard that he has a fairly large moonshine operation going on in his old trailer house.  Of course if he does have a moonshine operation in his trailer he is really stingy with the product because I have yet to hear of anyone ever getting some samples.  You know, a decent person would give out  free samples of homemade goodies just to be neighborly.  Whenever I make brownies I always give out samples to any of my neighbors who happen by.  

Now, nobody ever paid much attention to the groundhog.  I mean we have so many mangy critters living in and around this trailer park that some nasty hairy, little stingy alcoholic is going to be noticed as being different. But, the thing that made this creature particularly noticeable and hated is that each day the groundhog would sit outside in front of his trailer on an old stuffed sofa and every time someone would walk past his trailer he would take his slingshot and pelt the passerby in the behind with an acorn.  And, those acorns really sting.  And, if someone turned around to yell at the little varmint he would keep shooting acorns at them until they could take no more of the pelting and simply run away out of slingshot range.  Of course the groundhog would never run out of acorns because his trailer sat directly under a giant oak tree which poured down nearly a ton of acorns every single year.

Above species of acorn is a favorite of slingshot enthusiasts.
I know a lot of you would probably say that the best way to handle the situation would be just to avoid going past the groundhog's trailer but, the problem was that the groundhog’s trailer lies between my trailer and the far lot where I have to take my trash to dump it.  So, I have to walk past the groundhog’s trailer with my trash or else go way down the street and around to avoid the varmint’s trailer and every week I have a trashcan full of empty wine bottles to get rid of and I can barely get them down to the vacant dump-lot by going past the groundhog’s trailer.  Wine bottles seem to be heavier when empty then when they're full of wine.

Well, on Groundhog Day I was taking my garbage down to the dump when suddenly I got hit in the rear by a really stinging acorn.  I turned around and there was that nasty little groundhog sitting in his stuffed sofa and laughing hysterically at the reaction he got from me after he shot me with his acorn.  I started to yell at him but, he snapped off another acorn from his slingshot and it stung me right in my left forearm.  “Alright, I’ve had enough of this,” I said.  “I’m going to stop you once and for all from terrorizing people with your slingshot.”

“And just how do you intend to do that Merkel?” the little varmint spouted back at me sarcastically.

“I’m challenging you to a duel, a slingshot duel and the loser has to move out of this trailer park and never enter it again.”

The groundhog grinned, a big buck-toothy grin and said with confidence, “I’ll accept your challenge and it will be nice watching you pack up and leave but, don’t expect me to stop pelting you with acorns until you are on your way out the front gate of this trailer park.”

“I’ll meet you out here in fifteen minutes" I said,  "We’ll have Thurmond Carter count off ten paces then on the count of ten we’ll turn and fire,  agreed?”

“Agreed Merkel,” said the groundhog.  “And, this trailer park will be well rid of a real psycho-psychic and her weird looking Petoskey stones.  You know I’ve always said that your crystal balls were cracked and that’s why your psychic predictions are so off the wall and of course, your predictions are always wrong.”

“Well,” I said, ”My stones and balls are telling me that you’re going to lose and you’re going to have to go back wherever you came from.”

So, I went and asked Carter to be the pace counting guy and  he agreed to be the pace counting guy.    Carter was known throughout the trailer park community as an expert counter.  If you needed something counted accurately, Thurmond Carter was the guy to call.   Carter use to work in a grocery store counting bottle returns.  He worked at that job for twenty years without a raise but, he got fired after being accused of using his counting skills to misappropriate a few hundred dollars each week from the store's bottle return funds.  Before the bottle return scandal people were always wondering how a bottle return clerk making less than minimum wage could live like an executive.  He always had good tires on his car and never had any of his utilities cutoff for nonpayment.

After talking to Thurmond, I went home and dug out my old slingshot.hadn’t used it in years but, I was confident that I would easily take down that little rat-faced varmint especially, if I used one of my magic Petoskey stones as ammunition.  I figured it would be poetic justice if it was a Petoskey stone that took that little booger out especially, since he insulted my magic stones and crystal balls.  I would have liked to have shot one of my crystal balls at him but, I was afraid I’d break my slingshot and lose the duel so; a quarter-sized Petoskey stone would have to do.

Now, a lot of you are probably wondering why I would challenge the groundhog to a slingshot duel especially, when he was all day long using the back-ends of the trailer park residents to practice his sport and I had my slingshot tucked away and hardly ever used it.  Well, the truth is that I am actually quite an expert hunter with a slingshot.  You see one of my former husband's was an avid hunter but, because a psychiatrist testified to a judge that my husband was not mentally stable my husband lost his privilege to own any type of firearm. So, he started hunting with a slingshot and became very good at it.  He eventually talked me into taking up the sport and I turned out to be a better shot than he was.

Hunting soon became like a real job for each of us.  I mean hunting really paid off.  With both of us hunting we hardly ever had to buy groceries since our freezer was always full of ducks and squirrels and any other little furry animals that might come creeping out of the woods. A lot of the things we ate we had no idea what they were called but, you know just about everything tastes good if you roll it around in cornmeal and drop it in a deep fat fryer.

Well, as I said we were doing really  well hunting small animals for food but then one day my husband decided that he wanted to hunt some larger game.  We both went out into the woods and came across some sort of large animal tracks.  My husband said he thought they were raccoon tracks and that we’d be hunting a raccoon that day.  Well, we followed the tracks through the woods and walked almost into a big old bear.  We stopped just about twelve feet behind what looked to be about a five-hundred pound black bear.  Unfortunately for us the bear heard us coming up on him from behind and he immediately spun around to face us.  The bear then stood up on its back legs and roared at us. My husband thinking quickly, immediately started shooting the bear with the little steel pellets that we used to hunt squirrels and other small game.  Unfortunately, the bear was not impressed.  The next thing I remembered was hearing my husband screaming “shoot the bear Misty, shoot the bear.”  Of course by then I was running in high gear back toward the road and I wasn’t about to turn around and try to take down that big bear with my slingshot.  I just had a hunch that those little steel balls we had probably wouldn’t do much to stop a five-hundred pound bear and that one of us had better get away to get help.

And, I did get away and got help.  I reached the car and drove down the road to the nearest store where I called 911.  The authorities searched the area where I had last seen my husband but, the only thing they ever found was his slingshot and a couple dozen little steel balls.  No bear was ever sited either but, a couple of days after the incident the local sheriff came across a giant pile of bear scat not one hundred feet from where I and my husband were attacked.  He asked me if I wanted it since it was probably the only thing they’d ever recover of my husband.  I told them no but, I gave the sheriff my sister-in-law’s address and told him he could ship the scat to her since I had only been married to the guy a few months and I was going to ditch him as soon as his unemployment checks ran out.

The only regret I had was that I should have insisted that my husband spend his unemployment money buying a life insurance policy instead of that health insurance policy that he said he needed.  It was a fat lot of good that health insurance policy did him in the end.  And, I could have really used the life insurance money since I wasn’t going to get any more of those unemployment checks now that he was officially deceased.    

  Well, it was time for the big duel and the groundhog, Carter and I all met in the street about halfway between my trailer and the groundhog's trailer. The groundhog and I backed up to each other and Carter started to count off the paces.    

We walked away from each other one step at a time as Carter counted to ten.  Once ten paces were counted off we each whipped around and the groundhog fired first.  Well, The Groundhog's aim was true and he hit me square in the forehead with his acorn and that caused me be fall backward and land sittingup on my behind but, before I went down I managed to fire off my little stone missing The Groundhog as he ducked down to the ground.  Well, the stone I had fired off missed The Groundhog but, it sailed down to the Groundhog's trailer and through the glass pane in his front window.  The air was still and you could almost feel the ticking of a clock... one, two three seconds and then a large explosion inside the trailer caused the doors and windows to blowout in a great rush of smoke and fire then you could count off three more seconds and then the entire trailer house and the large oak tree above it exploded in a fireball so large and so hot that it melted off the snow on the roofs of trailers that were over a hundred feet away.  Of course the trailers immediately adjacent to the Groundhog’s were blown down and completely destroyed.  Luckily, there were no serious injuries because everyone was outside watching the duel.

Well, the groundhog had won the battle but, with the destruction of the mighty oak tree the days of the groundhog being able to shoot his insidious acorns at passersby had come to a complete and final end.  And, best of all the groundhog no longer had a home in our trailer park and he had to hang his tail between his legs and scurry off back down the road to whatever trailer park he had come from but, just about fifty feet from the trailer park entrance a pyramid shaped spacecraft hovered over the groundhog and a strange light beamed the groundhog up into the pyramid and then the spacecraft just disappeared.  Evidently, the trailer park this groundhog came from was not the one down the street but, was a trailer park that existed in a place called outer space.

The groundhog was lifted up into the spacecraft
Of course, some local politicians were unhappy and blamed me  because they no longer had a groundhog to parade out in front of people for Groundhog Day and now the people of Northern Michigan didn't have a groundhog's prediction of when winter will end. So, I'm giving them my psychic prediction that we will definitely have six more weeks of winter in Northern Michigan.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017 PREDICTIONS AND RHUBARB PIE

Plutonian Arrives On Earth
By Psychic Mystic Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, 2017 is here and I predict it will be a year to forget for many of us.  However, 2017 will be a tale of two lifestyles.  It will be a year of great misery, cruelty and insufferable poverty.  It will be a year of great gains in wealth, income, and unimaginable fame.  Of course I'm talking about the annual rhubarb pie eating contest held on the river ice in February.  The winner of the contest gets a brand new pie pan, a roll of old copper pennies and winner also gets their picture posted on the trailer park office door.  The losers all get pushed into the river.  Of course the runner up wins the option of wearing a life jacket when they go in the drink.  Problem for the runner up is that the life jacket doesn't give you much help if you wash down the river two miles while under the ice.   
Many of you might be thinking that it might be dangerous for the loser participants in the pie eating contest and that many of those contestants might wash down river and never be found.  Of course, it is dangerous to wash down river in the winter but, every contestant has always been recovered.  The sheriff uses dogs and usually finds the contestants in the spring right after the ice melts off.  

Besides my prediction of the rhubarb pie eating contest (I also think little Joe Mutter will win again this year) the financial markets will be unimaginably volatile most of the year.  Personally, I've been hording acorns to get me through the rough times ahead.  Acorns are a great commodity to hold and trade. There is always a ready market in acorns since squirrels are usually willing to trade dried birdfeeder corn for acorns and acorns are useful for baking.  Acorns also make excellent ammo for hunting with a slingshot.  My late husband and I went bear hunting once with acorns luckily, I got away.  My late husband ended up in a pile of bear scat.  One bit of luck that came from that hunt was that I saved a ton of money on final expenses and got some really great fertilizer for around my lilac bushes.  Now, every time the lilacs bloom in the spring I remember my late husband.  Sort of romantic isn’t it. 

My last bit of information is a warning:  watch out for natives of the planet Pluto.  They want to move to earth where it’s warmer and by the end of this year they will control most governments on earth.  They will also control most candy bar vending machines. Personally, the Pluto invaders can have the governments but, they’re inviting a revolt if they raise the prices in our candy bar vending machines.  Just so the invaders from Pluto know, I have a friend on mars.

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