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Monday, October 2, 2017

I CONTACTED MARS FOR HALLOWEEN


My Conversation With Ludwig The Martian
by Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Well, now the frost is on the foliage and there's a real nip in the air.  The leaves are turning color and the squirrels are trying to gnaw their way into my trailer.  All these signs point to fall and with fall comes the time when the souls of the departed wander aimlessly through my trailer park.  Unfortunately, most of these former personages usually end up at my door wanting me to impart to their living kith and kin certain information that the departed neglected to pass on before they passed on.  Some of the information involves finances such as regarding lost wills, buried treasures or, matters not so important like maybe something as mundane as to how to start the Chevy while in third gear or some family recipe for mincemeat that was never written down or passed on orally.   Of course, since the dead don't have any money it really is not profitable for me to use my gift to help their loved ones and, I don't run a charity here.  I have to make a living selling myself to those with cash.  Hence, because of all the bother from deadbeat deadsters I don't really look forward to Halloween anymore.

Of course my readers are a different matter.  I don't really make any money blogging about my psychic talents however, there is always the potential someone will take a commercial interest in my abilities and hire my abilities at what I hope would be premium prices.  So, for my many readers and potential benefactors I've planned something special to celebrate Halloween this year.  It has to do with the recent discovery of water on mars.  You see, since there is water on mars it only stands to reason deductively that there must also be intelligent life on the planet so, I decided to use my abilities to contact the Martians this year as sort of my Halloween treat for my dedicated readers and potential employers.

Now, in order to contact Mars I had to rely on my Petoskey stone.   The reason I used a Petoskey stone is because Northern Michigan and Mars are the only two places in the galaxy where you can find a Petoskey stone and since Petoskey stones are psychic mediums I figured I would be able to contact a Martian who was in possession of or vicinity of a Petoskey stone.  And so, I proceeded drinking a bottle of wine and going into a trance while rubbing a nicely polished Petoskey stone in between my fingers.

Well, it wasn’t long before I made contact with Mars.  In fact, it was with a Martian named Ludwig.  "Hello Ludwig," I called out across millions of miles of space.   "Don't be alarmed.  I'm Psychic Madam Merkel calling out to you from planet earth.  I can sense you are not human and I believe your name is Ludwig, am I correct."

A few moments passed.  I imagined the alien creature might have been a bit shocked hearing from someone from another world.  "Hi madam Merkel," a voice deep within my head responded.  "I am on planet mars and my name is Ludwig.  I was just polishing my Petoskey stone and thinking about visiting earth."

"Visiting Earth?" I said.  "Why would you be visiting earth?"
"Well Madam Misty, I'm out of cigarettes.  You wouldn't happen to have any cigarettes on you?"

“No, I don't have any cigarettes,” I said. "Cigarettes aren't good for you so I don't smoke them."

"Then, do you have any beer," Ludwig asked. 

"No I don't have any beer," I replied.  "I can't drink beer because it gives me gas.  I drink only wine and liqueur and I only drink them because they help to put me in a trance so I can contact spirits."

"That's too bad," Ludwig commented in a dejected voice.  "I need a smoke really bad.  I guess I'll have to go to earth and pick up some smokes and beer."

I said, "Since you’re going to come to earth then you must have space travel technology."    

Nah; we don't have any spaceships or any technology at all. We just have rocks.  That's all we've got here.  A guy recently discovered water here but, no one knows what to do with it.  It's really weird stuff.  First it's hard then, it's soft, it's hot, it's cold.  Like I said, it doesn’t seem to be good for much but maybe we can sell it to tourists as a souvenir or something.   I really don't know but, I do need to get to earth to get some cigarettes."

"Well, if you don't have spaceships how are you going to get here?" I asked.

"I’ll just hitch a ride from some passersby’s.   I just have to climb up a mountain and stick out my yozi and someone will stop."    
   
"So you just hitchhike from planet mars onboard some spaceship from another world.  And, you stick out your "yozi."  So, what's a yozi anyway?  Is it like the human thumb that we humans use to get a ride?"

Artist Concept:  Martian uses yozi to hitchhike to earth.
“It’s not like a thumb,” Ludwig responded, “A yozi is the only appendage that we Martians have.  I know you earth people have all kinds of things sticking out of you: you have arms and legs and those long gnarly things that are on the ends of your arms that you stick up your nose to clean it out.  By the way, that habit of yours is really gross.  I would never stick my yozi up my nose of course; I don't have a nose; all I have is a yozi."

"That seems pretty odd," I commented, "What can you do with just a yozi?"

"We do everything with our Yozi," Ludwig replied.  "We hop around on our yozi, we shoot hoops with our yozi and we play tetherball with our yozi.  Of course the Martian with the longest yozi usually wins at tetherball but hey, it's still our major sporting event and it’s one where every Martian can show off his or her prowess with his or her yozi.  And finally, the best thing that we do is we cuddle with our yozi.  It’s pretty hard to cuddle if you don't have a yozi.  Of course you humans couldn't know anything about cuddling since you always have your fingers up your nose and who'd want to cuddle with you anyway after you've been digging away up your nose all day." 

I began to become afraid that Ludwig was taking me into some deep dark places that I and my readers did not want to go so; I decided to end the conversation.  "Well, Ludwig," I said," I hope you can catch a ride to earth so you can get some cigarettes and beer.  I'm going to have to be going now since the wine I drank is wearing off and I'm starting to come out our my psychic trance but, before I go I just want to wish you and all my readers a Happy Halloween."

Then Ludwig said “And, a Happy Halloween to you Madam Merkel and to all the peoples of earth.  I just wish I had some cigarettes."     


Friday, September 1, 2017

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS: FIRST CONTACT

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkle
The Trailer Park Psychic
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called “perverter boxes” but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new airwave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out, no one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth “Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by.” Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were “if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material “made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos”. I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

AUGUST PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 24000 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

The new GI JOE movie will be a big hit next month with District 9 movie also, getting the kids into the theaters. Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

PSYCHIC MADAM MYSTIC MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS JULY 2012


Madam Misty Merkel
Northern Michigan is preparing for the 4th of July but I am preparing for a real revelation.  It seems that a certain person is trying to get through from the other side in order to visit me and I believe it might be Elvis.  I think he wants to go dancing with me again.  The last time he came through was when I tried to contact Michael Jackson.  Anyway, Elvis showed up at my trailer and took over the body of  this heavy set boy I know named Gerrard.   Now Gerrard is none too pleasing to look at but with Elvis’s personality it was inevitable that we would go out on a date and go dancing.

I will tell you now that dancing with the king was wonderful.  I didn’t even recognize that it was Gerrard’s body that I was dancing with because the king himself is beyond  worldly things like looks and is in fact, just a  plain  phantom of sheer glamour.

Anyway, I predict that the month of July will be a fairly nasty month in terms of weather, politics and money so, just hang tight because the king is coming back and he dresses up well in any fashion and in any times.  And,  just always remember “For my darling I love you and I always will.”

Friday, June 16, 2017

TRUMP WIN PREDICTED IN MARCH 2016 BY MERKEL

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Yesterday I asked my Petoskey stones "who is going to be the next president of the United States?"  After I asked my stones the question I lit some incense I bought from a local Michigan Incense Dispensary and drank a bottle of wine while I waited for the spirits of the stones to answer my question.  It took about an hour then, suddenly, I fell into a deep trance and had a vision. 

Now, in my vision I pictured a large St Bernard crossing a river called the Rubicon.  And, after the St. Bernard crossed this river he got into an expensive American Motors sports car called a Matador and sped up a very large, steep hill.  About halfway up this hill the St. Bernard put his car on cruise control and then the big old dog started barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump..." until finally, the St. Bernard swerved off the side of the road and went crashing down toward the bottom of the hill and all the while the dog was still barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump...".  


Then, I woke up from my trance and found myself lying on my back on top of my trailer looking up a sky full of stars.  Now, all this would have been strange enough except that this little chipmunk hopped up on top of my foot and then ran all the way up my body to my nose where he stopped and looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Do you have any more of that incense?  I and my friends have been watching you for the last four hours and we'd kind of like to join your party.  The squirrels offered us some rotten old decomposed acorns to burn for incense but, the acorn incense just gives us headaches and make our noses run."

Thursday, June 1, 2017

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Part-time Contributor,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments like in the U.S. or U.K.   Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, Knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue and sped off to harass some other people no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

BLING IS THE THING TO MAKE THE SPIRITS SING

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Markel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I can't stress enough the need to wear lots of bling for good luck. I wear rings on all my fingers and toes. I also have bracelets from my wrist to my elbow. And why wear earrings if they don't dangle down to your shoulders. Of course most of my bling is gold. I mean it's gold colored not real gold. I buy my stuff at rummage sales. In order to get real gold you have to go to one of those fancy pawn shop type stores. Who has the money for that?

Anyway, the spirits don't seem to mind. Just like my boyfriends, spirits don't know gold from the hole in the ground they crawled out of. Yesterday I had four different spirits stop in just to find out when I got my cat's eye ring. That's a cat's eye stone on a ring for my finger and not a ring through my eyeball. I'm not going to get pierced all over like the teenagers do now days. It's bad enough I got a tattoo that says "I Love Wally" tattooed on the back of my neck. Wally has been dead for 18 years and the ladies at the hair salon ask me how's Wally doing?". It just brings back sad memories.

Anyway, I went to the casino last week and won a hundred bucks on the slot machines. My bling was making the spirits sing because I parlayed my hundred bucks into a one hundred and fifteen bucks on the black jack table. I only wished I had some ponies to bet on. Wally and I used to go to the track and bet on the ponies. He bet on ponies and was a jockey at the same time. He always had me bet everything on a horse he was not ridding and sure enough, Wally never rode a winning horse but, we made lots of money. Funny how he knew the horse he rode would never win. I guess he was physic too. Not so physic though to know he would be thrown off a horse named Evil Knockers. Poor Wally had his head split open like a watermelon on the 4th of July.

Anyway, wear lots of bling and you'll hear those spirits sing. At least you'll hear those slot machines sing and quarters ding. I must have written 500 words by now so I can quit and hang out with my bling at the beach.
'

Saturday, April 1, 2017

APRIL PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS

Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Contributor 
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

April Fool's Day has been relatively uneventful here in my trailer park.  A couple of gunshots and the police and ambulance that came racing into here today are the only interesting events to happen.  Of course, someone is always getting shot, stabbed, bludgeoned and/or arrested in my trailer park.  A social scientist once made of study of the park to see why this particular trailer park had some many brutal crimes committed in it.  The social scientist concluded that the violent crime rate was high here because the lot rent is too cheap.  The scientist said that because we were only paying $60 a month for lot rent that a lot of non-working violent criminal types occupied most of the lots.   The scientist said that other trailer parks had much less violent crime because the people in them paid $200+ per month for a lot.  Now, when the park manager heard this he immediately raised the lot rent up to $200 per month.  That resulted in the manager getting beat up and then, the manager dropped the lot rent back down to $60 per month.  Evidently, that over educated social scientist did not understand the following economic law of supply and demand:  No matter what the supply is, if you charge too much you're going to get your greedy butt kicked.  This economic law is especially true if you're dealing with mostly violent criminal types.

Anyway, I predict that April will be a good month for commodities.  Butter will be something people should stock up on because May is going to be a big month for deep-fat fried butter.  Oh, is that so good!  I think I'll fry some butter as soon as I'm done with this column.  You know it might be a good idea to stock up on plastic baskets to drop into the deep fat fryer.  I usually go through four or five plastic baskets every time I make deep fat fried butter.    

I also predict for April a real increase in government deportations.  Now, even though I was born in Kalamazoo Michigan I've been picked up and deported 14 times.  I was deported twice to Mexico, twice to Canada, once to New Zealand and nine times to Ohio.  The funny thing is is that I got back to Michigan really easy from all my destinations except for Ohio.  The machine gunner nests and landmine fields down along the Michigan-Ohio border are really had to navigate through.  The last time I crossed that border I thought I got nicked by a bullet and lost part of my left ear but luckily, it was just an earring that got shot out but, boy did it hurt.  I'm just glad it was a clip-on and came off real easy.  Still, it hurt a lot.              

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

THE FIGHT OVER BUNS AND POP AND AVOIDING GNARLY TOENAILS

By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Psychic And News Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

There will be wild swings in the market this month.  I'm talking about the gas station mini-market where I buy my wine.  I predict this month that Ned, the guy who delivers the pop will get into a fight with Jack, the guy who delivers the buns.  The fight will be over sharing shelf space in the front window of the store.  I foresee that Ned will get in some nasty blows upon Jack but, Jack kicks like a little girl so in the end Jack will prevail.  Jack will be stacking his buns on the front shelf in front of the window and Jack's showcased buns will earn him big time sales.  And of course, poor Ned will have to take his pop to the back of the store which is probably better for the customers since the back of the store is where the coolers are.  

I'm kind of thinking that the ice will be off most of the lakes in Northern Michigan by mid-month.  I'm predicting an overall warmer spring than normal with a summer so hot you can cook an ingrown toenail if you're out in the sun for an hour.  I'm only mentioning ingrown toenail because I happen to have one right now and the pain keeps my mind focused; focused on the pain I mean.  I just hope my toenail problem straightens out by summer so I can paint up the old toenails before I walk around the trailer park with just my tong shoes.  Nothing makes a person look less attractive than messed up toenails.  A lot of couples break up once it's revealed that one of them has really ugly toenails.  Certainly, no one wants to have kids with someone who would add an ugly toenail gene to their gene pool.  It just wouldn't be fair to the kids.  I mean would you want your kids to end up being ashamed of their own feet?   So, if your getting your dates off  the internet make sure you check out the feet before you meet.    I mean an awful looking face you can learn to love but, those gnarly toenails are going to be slashing and stabbing you all night long for maybe thirty or forty years or until one of you leaves the relationship or kicks the bucket.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

MYSTIC MADAM MERKEL AND THE GROUNDHOG DAY GAMES

MYSTIC MADAME MERKEL AND THE GROUNDHOG DAY GAMES
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
The Trailer Park Psychic
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Wow, what a Groundhog Day.  It was intense.  It was insane.  It was by far the most painful day I have ever spent in Northern Michigan and a day that I and others will celebrate and, a day that will live on in infamy for generations of residents of my mobile home park.

It all started with The Groundhog himself.  He lived down the street from me on the corner of Sweetie Lane (where I live) and Belligerent Boulevard (where a lot of animals live.)  His trailer sits on the opposite side of Sweetie Lane just about one hundred yards away from my trailer.

Nobody knows where The Groundhog came from. Some say he came from the rich people’s trailer park located just down the road from here.  They say he is actually rich and decided to try “slumming it” by living in this trailer park which is mainly occupied by the lowest of the lower class.  

Still, others believe that The Groundhog is an alien from outer space.  I’m not sure what proof they have for the alien groundhog theory but, in Northern Michigan just about everyone up here tends to be very paranoid about alien invasions.  Myself, I just believe he is just a mean old groundhog that grew up in a backwoods swamp where his only friends were mosquitos, muck-rock snakes and his still full of moonshine.  Regarding moonshine, I have heard that he has a fairly large moonshine operation going on in his old trailer house.  Of course if he does have a moonshine operation in his trailer he is really stingy with the product because I have yet to hear of anyone ever getting some samples.  You know, a decent person would give out  free samples of homemade goodies just to be neighborly.  Whenever I make brownies I always give out samples to any of my neighbors who happen by.  

Now, nobody ever paid much attention to the groundhog.  I mean we have so many mangy critters living in and around this trailer park that some nasty hairy, little stingy alcoholic is going to be noticed as being different. But, the thing that made this creature particularly noticeable and hated is that each day the groundhog would sit outside in front of his trailer on an old stuffed sofa and every time someone would walk past his trailer he would take his slingshot and pelt the passerby in the behind with an acorn.  And, those acorns really sting.  And, if someone turned around to yell at the little varmint he would keep shooting acorns at them until they could take no more of the pelting and simply run away out of slingshot range.  Of course the groundhog would never run out of acorns because his trailer sat directly under a giant oak tree which poured down nearly a ton of acorns every single year.

Above species of acorn is a favorite of slingshot enthusiasts.
I know a lot of you would probably say that the best way to handle the situation would be just to avoid going past the groundhog's trailer but, the problem was that the groundhog’s trailer lies between my trailer and the far lot where I have to take my trash to dump it.  So, I have to walk past the groundhog’s trailer with my trash or else go way down the street and around to avoid the varmint’s trailer and every week I have a trashcan full of empty wine bottles to get rid of and I can barely get them down to the vacant dump-lot by going past the groundhog’s trailer.  Wine bottles seem to be heavier when empty then when they're full of wine.

Well, on Groundhog Day I was taking my garbage down to the dump when suddenly I got hit in the rear by a really stinging acorn.  I turned around and there was that nasty little groundhog sitting in his stuffed sofa and laughing hysterically at the reaction he got from me after he shot me with his acorn.  I started to yell at him but, he snapped off another acorn from his slingshot and it stung me right in my left forearm.  “Alright, I’ve had enough of this,” I said.  “I’m going to stop you once and for all from terrorizing people with your slingshot.”

“And just how do you intend to do that Merkel?” the little varmint spouted back at me sarcastically.

“I’m challenging you to a duel, a slingshot duel and the loser has to move out of this trailer park and never enter it again.”

The groundhog grinned, a big buck-toothy grin and said with confidence, “I’ll accept your challenge and it will be nice watching you pack up and leave but, don’t expect me to stop pelting you with acorns until you are on your way out the front gate of this trailer park.”

“I’ll meet you out here in fifteen minutes" I said,  "We’ll have Thurmond Carter count off ten paces then on the count of ten we’ll turn and fire,  agreed?”

“Agreed Merkel,” said the groundhog.  “And, this trailer park will be well rid of a real psycho-psychic and her weird looking Petoskey stones.  You know I’ve always said that your crystal balls were cracked and that’s why your psychic predictions are so off the wall and of course, your predictions are always wrong.”

“Well,” I said, ”My stones and balls are telling me that you’re going to lose and you’re going to have to go back wherever you came from.”

So, I went and asked Carter to be the pace counting guy and  he agreed to be the pace counting guy.    Carter was known throughout the trailer park community as an expert counter.  If you needed something counted accurately, Thurmond Carter was the guy to call.   Carter use to work in a grocery store counting bottle returns.  He worked at that job for twenty years without a raise but, he got fired after being accused of using his counting skills to misappropriate a few hundred dollars each week from the store's bottle return funds.  Before the bottle return scandal people were always wondering how a bottle return clerk making less than minimum wage could live like an executive.  He always had good tires on his car and never had any of his utilities cutoff for nonpayment.

After talking to Thurmond, I went home and dug out my old slingshot.hadn’t used it in years but, I was confident that I would easily take down that little rat-faced varmint especially, if I used one of my magic Petoskey stones as ammunition.  I figured it would be poetic justice if it was a Petoskey stone that took that little booger out especially, since he insulted my magic stones and crystal balls.  I would have liked to have shot one of my crystal balls at him but, I was afraid I’d break my slingshot and lose the duel so; a quarter-sized Petoskey stone would have to do.

Now, a lot of you are probably wondering why I would challenge the groundhog to a slingshot duel especially, when he was all day long using the back-ends of the trailer park residents to practice his sport and I had my slingshot tucked away and hardly ever used it.  Well, the truth is that I am actually quite an expert hunter with a slingshot.  You see one of my former husband's was an avid hunter but, because a psychiatrist testified to a judge that my husband was not mentally stable my husband lost his privilege to own any type of firearm. So, he started hunting with a slingshot and became very good at it.  He eventually talked me into taking up the sport and I turned out to be a better shot than he was.

Hunting soon became like a real job for each of us.  I mean hunting really paid off.  With both of us hunting we hardly ever had to buy groceries since our freezer was always full of ducks and squirrels and any other little furry animals that might come creeping out of the woods. A lot of the things we ate we had no idea what they were called but, you know just about everything tastes good if you roll it around in cornmeal and drop it in a deep fat fryer.

Well, as I said we were doing really  well hunting small animals for food but then one day my husband decided that he wanted to hunt some larger game.  We both went out into the woods and came across some sort of large animal tracks.  My husband said he thought they were raccoon tracks and that we’d be hunting a raccoon that day.  Well, we followed the tracks through the woods and walked almost into a big old bear.  We stopped just about twelve feet behind what looked to be about a five-hundred pound black bear.  Unfortunately for us the bear heard us coming up on him from behind and he immediately spun around to face us.  The bear then stood up on its back legs and roared at us. My husband thinking quickly, immediately started shooting the bear with the little steel pellets that we used to hunt squirrels and other small game.  Unfortunately, the bear was not impressed.  The next thing I remembered was hearing my husband screaming “shoot the bear Misty, shoot the bear.”  Of course by then I was running in high gear back toward the road and I wasn’t about to turn around and try to take down that big bear with my slingshot.  I just had a hunch that those little steel balls we had probably wouldn’t do much to stop a five-hundred pound bear and that one of us had better get away to get help.

And, I did get away and got help.  I reached the car and drove down the road to the nearest store where I called 911.  The authorities searched the area where I had last seen my husband but, the only thing they ever found was his slingshot and a couple dozen little steel balls.  No bear was ever sited either but, a couple of days after the incident the local sheriff came across a giant pile of bear scat not one hundred feet from where I and my husband were attacked.  He asked me if I wanted it since it was probably the only thing they’d ever recover of my husband.  I told them no but, I gave the sheriff my sister-in-law’s address and told him he could ship the scat to her since I had only been married to the guy a few months and I was going to ditch him as soon as his unemployment checks ran out.

The only regret I had was that I should have insisted that my husband spend his unemployment money buying a life insurance policy instead of that health insurance policy that he said he needed.  It was a fat lot of good that health insurance policy did him in the end.  And, I could have really used the life insurance money since I wasn’t going to get any more of those unemployment checks now that he was officially deceased.    

  Well, it was time for the big duel and the groundhog, Carter and I all met in the street about halfway between my trailer and the groundhog's trailer. The groundhog and I backed up to each other and Carter started to count off the paces.    

We walked away from each other one step at a time as Carter counted to ten.  Once ten paces were counted off we each whipped around and the groundhog fired first.  Well, The Groundhog's aim was true and he hit me square in the forehead with his acorn and that caused me be fall backward and land sittingup on my behind but, before I went down I managed to fire off my little stone missing The Groundhog as he ducked down to the ground.  Well, the stone I had fired off missed The Groundhog but, it sailed down to the Groundhog's trailer and through the glass pane in his front window.  The air was still and you could almost feel the ticking of a clock... one, two three seconds and then a large explosion inside the trailer caused the doors and windows to blowout in a great rush of smoke and fire then you could count off three more seconds and then the entire trailer house and the large oak tree above it exploded in a fireball so large and so hot that it melted off the snow on the roofs of trailers that were over a hundred feet away.  Of course the trailers immediately adjacent to the Groundhog’s were blown down and completely destroyed.  Luckily, there were no serious injuries because everyone was outside watching the duel.

Well, the groundhog had won the battle but, with the destruction of the mighty oak tree the days of the groundhog being able to shoot his insidious acorns at passersby had come to a complete and final end.  And, best of all the groundhog no longer had a home in our trailer park and he had to hang his tail between his legs and scurry off back down the road to whatever trailer park he had come from but, just about fifty feet from the trailer park entrance a pyramid shaped spacecraft hovered over the groundhog and a strange light beamed the groundhog up into the pyramid and then the spacecraft just disappeared.  Evidently, the trailer park this groundhog came from was not the one down the street but, was a trailer park that existed in a place called outer space.

The groundhog was lifted up into the spacecraft
Of course, some local politicians were unhappy and blamed me  because they no longer had a groundhog to parade out in front of people for Groundhog Day and now the people of Northern Michigan didn't have a groundhog's prediction of when winter will end. So, I'm giving them my psychic prediction that we will definitely have six more weeks of winter in Northern Michigan.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017 PREDICTIONS AND RHUBARB PIE

Plutonian Arrives On Earth
By Psychic Mystic Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, 2017 is here and I predict it will be a year to forget for many of us.  However, 2017 will be a tale of two lifestyles.  It will be a year of great misery, cruelty and insufferable poverty.  It will be a year of great gains in wealth, income, and unimaginable fame.  Of course I'm talking about the annual rhubarb pie eating contest held on the river ice in February.  The winner of the contest gets a brand new pie pan, a roll of old copper pennies and winner also gets their picture posted on the trailer park office door.  The losers all get pushed into the river.  Of course the runner up wins the option of wearing a life jacket when they go in the drink.  Problem for the runner up is that the life jacket doesn't give you much help if you wash down the river two miles while under the ice.   
Many of you might be thinking that it might be dangerous for the loser participants in the pie eating contest and that many of those contestants might wash down river and never be found.  Of course, it is dangerous to wash down river in the winter but, every contestant has always been recovered.  The sheriff uses dogs and usually finds the contestants in the spring right after the ice melts off.  

Besides my prediction of the rhubarb pie eating contest (I also think little Joe Mutter will win again this year) the financial markets will be unimaginably volatile most of the year.  Personally, I've been hording acorns to get me through the rough times ahead.  Acorns are a great commodity to hold and trade. There is always a ready market in acorns since squirrels are usually willing to trade dried birdfeeder corn for acorns and acorns are useful for baking.  Acorns also make excellent ammo for hunting with a slingshot.  My late husband and I went bear hunting once with acorns luckily, I got away.  My late husband ended up in a pile of bear scat.  One bit of luck that came from that hunt was that I saved a ton of money on final expenses and got some really great fertilizer for around my lilac bushes.  Now, every time the lilacs bloom in the spring I remember my late husband.  Sort of romantic isn’t it. 

My last bit of information is a warning:  watch out for natives of the planet Pluto.  They want to move to earth where it’s warmer and by the end of this year they will control most governments on earth.  They will also control most candy bar vending machines. Personally, the Pluto invaders can have the governments but, they’re inviting a revolt if they raise the prices in our candy bar vending machines.  Just so the invaders from Pluto know, I have a friend on mars.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

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