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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

CELEBRITY PREDICTIONS

PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty
I predict that I’m either going to get paid or I’m going to quit pretty soon. Every payday they tell me that I’m not getting a paycheck because “I got my entire check garnished for parking tickets,” First of all, I live two doors down and don’t ever drive my car so how am I supposed to get these tickets?

The recent fight between funny man Jon Stewart and stock guru Jim Kramer will end soon. I’m going to predict that stock guru Jim Kramer will depart from his show “Mad Money” and star in a comedy movie based on the old sit-com “Mad About You,” with "The Queen Of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli as his co-star.

I predict that Tiger Woods and John Edwards will be co-starring in a new made for TV SyFy movie called "Snakes In The Grass". The movie is about a golf pro and his politician buddy who both cheat on their wives while battling giant poisonous snakes let loose on a golf course by a government, mad scientist.

Jon Stewart will leave his job as the host of “The Daily Show,” and join Larry the Cable Guy and the ghost of the late Rev.Jerry Fallwell on a revivalist crusade through the Deep South. The country trailer park tours will last 6-10 weeks depending on whether the tornadoes get to the trailer parks ahead of them this summer. Tornadoes turn trailer parks into parks and trails; trails of cars, tin cans and beer bottles.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I GOT PROFILED IN ARIZONA

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I just got back from my trip to Vegas and I am still really annoyed. For one thing I ended up loosing all my gambling money within the first few minutes I was in Vegas. It is amazing how fast $100.00 goes at the craps table. Now I know why they call it the game of craps. It is called craps because when you’ve lost your entire life savings in just a few minutes you have to say “Oh Crap!” or, something much stronger like “Oh Phooey Sticks!” I was so mad think I used both expressions.

Since I lost all my money right away I was stuck in my room for three days watching TV. The TV was kind of a treat since I haven’t had any TV since the government switched over to that new digital broadcast system. That adaptor I bought with my $50.00 coupon won’t even bring in AM radio let alone any local channels.

My vacation in Los Vegas was pretty stinky but, the one night I spent in Arizona was much more harrying. It seems that I almost got deported to parts unknown because of their new racial profiling law. I guess it is because I’m from up north that I never even think about my racial background. Especially since, I‘m white and everyone always tells me that I’m looking awfully pasty and I need to get some sun before someone tries to burry me.

Anyway, on my way to Los Vegas I had to stop off and visit my Aunt Winnie down in Arizona. I stopped off at the old peoples home but, Aunt Winnie couldn’t talk too long because she had to give everyone there a bath before putting them to bed. Aunt Winnie is 77 years old and is still working to get health insurance. I had to visit her at her workplace because she lives with her boyfriend and he really does not like me. He told me once that my psychic predictions were just some sort of con game so; I put an old psychic hex on him that I said would give him gout. Sure enough he developed gout. Of course he blames me for his malady but, actually it was his heavy consumption of beer that I knew would sooner or later make his toes swell (and toe jams smell).

After I left Aunt Winnie I went back to the hotel that I was staying at while in Arizona. I was only going to stay there one night before going on to Los Vegas. I was too board to just watch TV so I decided to go down to the bar and maybe see if they had some free popcorn I could eat for my supper. I didn’t want to spend any money on food since I was saving it for drinks and to gamble with in Los Vegas. When I went to the hotel bar I bellied up to it and ordered a glass of peach brandy. Popcorn was not offered for free so, I just took a bowl of leftover popcorn off an empty table that sat behind me. I also picked up about a half dozen French fries that were lying in front of the bar seat next to me. Overall, it was a pretty good meal.

I sat at the bar for about another twenty minutes when this fellow dressed in s security uniform sat down beside of me. “Lady,” he began “I noticed you come in here and I am required by law to ask you a few questions.”

“Who are you?” I asked “and why should I answer your questions?”

“What’s your name?” he responded.

“I’m Madam Mystic Misty Merkel and again, who are?”

“I’m Mr. T. Bowels. I am the Chief Hotel Inspector and Public Bathroom Maintenance Engineer. I’ve been watching you MS Merkel and I maybe arresting you here shortly. It all depends on how honest you are with me when you answer my questions. You see, here in Arizona we have just passed a racial profiling law that allows me to interrogate and/or detain anyone at my discretion if they do not have proper papers to show me. So, I say to you, please present your papers or you will be arrested and most likely deported back to where you came from.”

I opened up my purse and got out my Michigan ID card and handed it to the crazy windbag. I’m from Michigan Mr. Bowels. You can see that on my ID card. “

Mr. Bowels looked intently at my ID card and then said,” This is just as I suspected. You are definitely a foreigner and should not be here.”

“Say What?” I shouted angrily.

“You are an undesirable,” Mr. Bowels affirmed. “It seems you’re from Michigan which is one of those liberal states up north. You’re a Yankee and in the South we don’t cotton much to you Yankees. You need to leave this town by tomorrow morning or sooner if you can. You see I know your type Misty Merkel. You come down here with your University of Michigan T-shirts on and then, you stay at one of our finer hotels and steal our towels and our complimentary toiletries. Then, you only stay here one day because you are just here to visit some obscure relative and then, you leave to go gambling in Los Vegas. I know your type and now the new law allows me to do something about you. “

Well, I decided to shut Mr. Bowels up by offering him half of my complimentary toiletries. Most of the stuff was berry flavored and I didn’t want to smell fruity anyway. I also returned the hotel towels so know I’ll have to buy mom something for Mother’s Day.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

THE TRAILER PARK VAMPIRE

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so, if you live in the South you should get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

PREDICTIONS FOR JULY

PREDICTIONS FOR JULY: WILL THE OBAMA’S BE UNFAITHFUL?
By Madam Misty Merkle
Psychic Mistress

Today, before going to bed, I downed some lemon shooters until about 10:00 A.M. Then I starred into the eyes of my mystic Petoskey stone and noticed the eyes were starring back. I heard a dog bark, a cackle cackled then, suddenly, a premonition started to be visible. It seems the President is going to be unfaithful. In addition, his wife will be unfaithful. His kids are going to be unfaithful. They will all be unfaithful to their little puppy Bo.

In front of the press and the cameras, the Obama family will for a while, pretend to be all lovey dovey with their new little dog. But, behind the closed White House doors, little Bo will be locked up in the kitchen while the real love of the Obama household is allowed the run of the executive mansion.

It seems that while Bo is prancing around chasing the President on the North Side of the White House, a little kitty cat named Spanky will sneak through the fence and past the White House guards. The little kitty will immediately go up to the Obama Bedroom where she will make herself at home by curling up on President Obama’s pillow. It seems this kitty cat has a penchant for going after only the most rich and powerful people on earth. Boris Yeltsin, Andy Rooney and Larry King are just some of this furry teases past owners (victims).

What a home wrecker this kitty cat will be. I predict that sooner or later, Spanky will come out of the closet (bedroom to be exact) and take over the lime light from poor, little Bo. Just as Prince Charles couldn't keep his love of Camella Parker a secret, the Obama family will not be able to keep their love for Spanky secret.

And what will happen to poor little Bo? I predict he will suffer an horrific fate. Bo will be sent home with Vice President Joe Biden. Vice President Biden is a nice man but, he will regale poor little Bo both day and night with the Vice Presidents memories of growing up with his working class family. If the Vice President is going to tell stories of his youth he needs to take some lessons from Bill Cosby of somebody. Tell us about Fat Albert or, to keep us women's advocates happy tell us about your friend Fat Alberta.

It could be worse for poor little Bo. He could be sent home with former Vice President Al Gore and have to listen to speeches on climate change day and night. Bo is a puppy Mr. Vice President. The only climate change a puppy knows is inside and outside. Of course none of this has to come to pass. I hope little Bo is reading this. Just plant some cat nip over at the Vice President's mansion. Spanky will then go right for Vice President Joe Biden. Under the spell of cat nip, Spanky won't even hear the extensive stories of the Vice President.

I do have one more prediction. I predict that three men will go out on Lake Michigan in search of a monster. They will be in search of the great white monster that will bring terror to swimmers. I predict things will end badly for these three men and, the monster will not be caught. Maybe I’m just remembering something from a long time ago? Or is it De-ja-vous. Anyway, it’s high noon and long past my nappy time.

Monday, April 5, 2010

A NIGHT AT THE OPERA

By Madam Misty Merkel
The weather is going to remain hot and dry and unfortunately, I predict a record number of forest fires this year. Global temperatures will continue to rise and the North Pole will disappear. That’s not my prediction. It’s just as I sit here I’m reading the global warming prediction off the back of a cereal box. I guess this global warming thing means that igloos will be a thing of the past just like the VCR. I always wanted to build an igloo to live in. I guess I’ll never get the chance. I also need a VCR since I have about 500 tapes of old TV shows I’d like to watch again someday.

I am predicting that Interlocken Arts Academy will have a great season this year. That has some really cool concerts with a variety of musicians. A lot of arts places just play like opera music. I once had a friend named George that insisted that I go to an opera with him. I went but when I got there I wished I hadn’t. Everyone there was dressed up real fancy and I just wore a pair of slacks and a blouse. I figured everyone would be looking up at the stage and not at each other in the audience.

As far as the music goes they did have some pretty good tunes especially, the music that the orchestra played before the singing began. For me the entertainment was pretty much over once the singers took the stage. For one thing they didn’t speak English. George told me they were singing in Italian. He told me that most operas were sung in Italian or German. I told him that if they were singing in a language other than American English they needed a screen up on stage with sub-titles in English. I’m part German but, except for the words to “Auld Lang Seine” I can’t speak another word of that language.

Another problem I had with the singing is that the singers all sang different stuff at the same time so ,even if you had an Italian to English translating manual in your hand you could never flip though the pages fast enough to look up all the different words that were bantered about at the same time. It wasn’t long and I was getting a headache. My head ached even more since the two characters that seemed to be constantly singing (a man and a woman), seemed to hold on to their high notes way too long. If they did that where I live the dog catcher would be right their to haul them off to the pound. Those opera singers needed to take some singing lessons from Willie Nelson. He knows when to let go of a note at just the right time.

Finally, George noticed that I was getting real fidgety so he explained the plot to me. It seems the opera was about a husband and wife and they were fighting. Of course I guess in Italy people sing at each other when they fight. Where I come from they yell and throw things at each other like empty beer cans. Most people have a lot of empty beer cans sitting all around their house so, that makes the empties the most convenient thing to throw. Of course no one would ever dream of throwing a full can of beer at someone because it might pop open and then a whole can of beer would go to waste.

The end of the opera was really depressing. It seems everyone just killed themselves and that was the end. I could kind of understand why they did what they did. After sitting threw the whole show I was starting to think of doing the same. Actually, I really wanted to kill George for talking me into going to the opera. I did not understand the words at all or the plot very well. On top of that I was humiliated since everyone stared at me because of the way I was dressed. I was also humiliated in one other way. You would think that in a big room like that no one would be able to hear someone like me out in the audience blow their nose. Well, everyone heard me and I think I got “Shushed” by the whole audience.

P.S. I have a suggestion for the opera operators. They should let the audience bring in pop and pop corn during the opera. The operators could make more money and like during a boring movie, at least the audience could keep itself entertained by eating. That’s just some food for thought.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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