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Wednesday, September 29, 2010


By Madam Misty Merkel
After Becky agreed to solve the rat problem that she caused in the trailer park, the rats began to slowly disappear. It was not long before the Red Cross closed down its’ emergency tent to treat rabies. People stopped getting bit by rats therefore; there was no longer a need for a walk-in rabies clinic in the middle of the trailer park. Finally, no one in the trailer park reported seeing any rats at all. Even Becky said she no longer had any night visitations by the little red eyed demons. Since Becky still had lots of yummy garbage throughout her trailer the fact that she had no visitations meant that the entire trailer park was clear of any rats. Our trailer park was rat free. The manager put up a sign at the entrance of the park with a picture of a crossed out rat on it along with the words “NO RATS” written in big, bold, black letters. In addition, because the trailer park was rat free the manager raised the lot rent on the trailers by $50.00 per month.

Once the people in the trailer park realized that the rats were gone for good, they started to become very happy and contented. Everything was well in trailer park land. Even the number of people being beaten, shot or, knifed seemed to decrease. When the rats left they took with them a lot of the tension and frustrations that people seem to accumulate when they live in the close quarters of a trailer park. People even started to keep their yards up better. They started to mow their little lawns once in a while. People began to pick up their empty plastic whiskey bottles that they dropped when they passed out on the ground. People even started to greet each other with a “hi” or, “hello” instead of the standard fowl reference to either self-abuse or, going somewhere really bad when you die. These are terms Madam Misty never uses in public.

Things were going really well for people in my trailer park until one day Lonnie Belcher had some hot dogs disappear right off of her picnic table. The next day the little kid that lived across the road from Lonnie had something open up his hamster cage and whatever it was it left just a hamster foot behind. Mrs. Wallace had her cockatiel disappear and then, several dogs and cats went missing. Finally, things came to a head when old man Shorts disappeared leaving just his underwear and a shoe behind. The disappearance of old man Shorts reminded everyone of why you should always put on clean underwear everyday. You never know what might happen. You could be in an accident or something and then you’d be really embarrassed. Of course everyone around here figured that old man Shorts was probably beyond being embarrassed since he was most likely beyond this world altogether just like the hamster, bird, dogs, cats and, the hot dogs. Something in our trailer park was eating our pets and now it was starting to eat us too.

An emergency trailer park association meeting was called. Everyone in the trailer park that was left alive and sober was there. The three of us decided something had to be done. Becky was there and she shared a secret with us. It seems that in order to get rid of the rats, she called her brother who works at NASA. He sent her some special super meat eating snakes that had alien DNA. I don’t know what DNA is but, words that begin with the letter “D” are usually bad like divorce, detention, demons, devils and, downs syndrome.

Anyway, the DNA was supposed to make these snakes into super snakes that grow really fast and eat anything that can be labeled meat. I was ready to smack Becky right in the mouth for bringing these awful snakes into our trailer park but, she offered a solution. It seems her brother at NASA had some pigs that were full of space-alien DNA and that these pigs loved to eat snakes.

After a couple of days two little pigs arrived. They were so cute. The little pigs started right away digging under everyone’s trailer skirting and sucking down those awful snakes like they were sausages. After all the snakes were finally gone the trailer park celebrated with a major party. The two pigs that saved all our lives were honored at a community luau. They looked so dignified with apples in each of their mouths. They tasted great too because they were cooked with a honey-pineapple glaze.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


By Madam Misty Merkel
My neighbor Becky was beating on my door at about 7 o’clock in the morning. I quickly poured some Irish into my coffee before I opened the door. I can’t start the day without a wee drop of whiskey. I’m not really Irish but, I love that tradition. “What do you want?” I asked when I flung open the door.

“Madam Misty I have a real problem,” little Becky said while the streamed down her face. She seemed especially small that morning. Of course she was standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to my door. Well, after she explained that she had seen the eyes of some demon in her trailer I agreed to wait with her that night and help her exorcise or exercise or do something with the little red eyed freak. I personally thought maybe Becky had fallen off the wagon again and was drinking that wine that comes in boxes. Some of it has a pretty good kick to it but, it’s not very sweet.

I arrived at Becky’s trailer just before dark. I wanted to make sure we surprised the ghost or demon so we hid in Becky’s bedroom. Becky invited me to sit on the bed but, all the strings of green moldy cheese and dried up pepperoni and tomato sauce on her bed spread made me feel like I needed a bucket throw up in. I could not sit down. Unfortunately, while waiting for the red eyed devil to show up I chance to further look around Becky’s small bedroom. The dresser was covered with the sticky residue of spilled drinks and greasy makeup. The floor had something really sticky on it too because every time I tried to lift my foot I had to fight to keep my shoe on.

As filthy as the place looked inside it smelled much worse. I have never smelled a public toilet that gagged me as much as Becky’s trailer. My uncle’s septic tank smells like a florist shop compared to Becky’s place. Becky certainly lived in one really disgusting dump. At least I knew that if I ever missed getting my garbage out some week I could just take it down to Becky’s place. She already had several sacks piled up in her hallway. I doubt she would notice a couple of more. Although, she might notice that my bags were not leaking a putrefied meat/vegetable sauce all over the floor.

I was beginning to think that maybe Becky should just move out of the trailer and leave it to the red eyed beastie. After all, at least it was cleaning things up a bit. Suddenly, we heard something scurrying around out in the main room. As we intently listened with out ears against the bedroom door, we heard what amounted to an army of little feet running all over the floor; each foot as it was raised made a sound like it was sticking to the linoleum floor.

I motioned to Becky to grab something. For some reason she had a corn broom in her bedroom. It was brand new and had never been used. I had a flashlight with me and I told Becky that on the count of three we would throw open the bedroom door and shine a light on whatever was out there. Becky was a little apprehensive about opening the door but, I reminded her that she had a long broom to defend herself and besides, if anything rushed at us I would slam the door shut.

Finally, Becky took a deep breath and nodded her head to me which I took to mean she was ready. I whispered to her that “On the count of three I’m opening the door. One, two, and three…” I flung open the door and drew my flashlight forward so it shown directly into the room. Becky stood behind me with her broom; the straw end of the broom was pointed up toward the ceiling. Immediately we saw that the place was full of rats. Becky let out a loud, shrieking scream. I didn’t scream because I had already had my shock for the night when I saw the disgusting filth throughout Becky’s trailer.

The horrific scream Becky let out made the rats scatter. In fact they scattered right out of her trailer and ran throughout the trailer park. After that night, there were rats all over the place. The rats gnawed through the floors of every trailer in the park. They were so common place that many children thought that they had been given new puppies to play with. The Red Cross set up a tent in the park to give out rabies shots to all the people who were bitten by the little monsters. The entire trailer park was furious at Becky and they told her she needed to solve the rat problem that she had created. Becky agreed that she would solve the problem and she said that it would not be long until all the rats would disappear.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I just got back here from Becky Newman’s trailer. Boy is that place a dump. Becky is one of the filthiest people I have even known in my life. I would not have stepped foot into her pig sty except I wanted to check on her after the horrible ordeal this trailer park went through last week. Becky was at the center of the whole situation and it was caused because of the way she decided to deal with visitors she was having during the night. She is still my neighbor so I felt I had to look out for her even though she caused herself and everyone else in the trailer park a lot of problems.

I really found out just how unclean Becky’s house was a few months ago when I was invited over for one of those jewelry home sales parties. I love home shopping parties. Sometimes you can buy some really good bling there. Now, I have already said that Becky’s place was a pig sty but, I don’t even think any self-respecting pig would live in those filthy conditions. I know I am not perfect and from time to time let the dishes stack up in the sink and let a bit of dust build up on the furniture. Becky and I are both working girls so, I think it is justified that we don’t always keep things neat and tidy however, Becky was well beyond being a bit lazy or sloppy. She had dishes with half eaten food stuck to her furniture. She had encrusted silverware all over the floor, garbage bags stacked and leaking stuff all the way down the hallway and I don’t even want to mention her sink, stove or, the thing that was growing in her refrigerator. I am no doctor but, I think that the thing growing in her refrigerator was about to either give birth or go to seed. It growled and barred its fangs when I opened the door so I never got a really good look at it.

I did not eat anything at her party but, I did buy a nice bracelet for just $15.00. It was quite a bit of money but, a person has to splurge on themselves once in a while. After the party I didn’t hear from Becky for several weeks. I was beginning to wonder if she turned my money in for my bracelet. I hate to say it but, sometimes people are a bit forgetful once they have your cash from one of those parties. Finally, Becky showed up on my doorstep one day all upset about some spirits that were haunting her at night. She said she needed my psychic help and I asked her if she had heard anything about the bracelet I ordered. She told me she would check on it but, she desperately needed my help right away. I invited her in for some coffee so she could explain what was going on at her trailer. I didn’t want to go to her place for coffee because coffee is dark and you can’t always see what might be floating in it.

The ordeal started when Becky started to notice that some of her dishes that had encrusted food on them were miraculously self-cleaning overnight. Becky would come out of her bedroom in the morning expecting to see the same dishes full of gunk sitting around that had been sitting around for days, weeks, months and, even years. Instead, the dishes were shinny clean. In addition to the dishes being clean, her counters were getting cleaned up as well. She even could discern the original color of her sink and countertops. Becky was overwhelmed with both surprise at the work that was getting done and also with a since of gratitude for whoever was helping her out. It was like some kindly elves were coming in the middle of the night and cleaning up her house for her.

One night Becky left out some nice frosted cookies she had purchased at Dobermans Bakery. That bakery has the best cookies. There is so much frosting on their cookies that you can’t even taste the cookie dough underneath it. Anyway, Becky left the cookies out for her friends who were cleaning up her trailer for her hat night. At midnight Becky heard someone munching away on the cookies so she decided to pop out of her bedroom. Before Becky could turn the lights on she saw two big red eyes starring back at her. Becky assumed it was the devil so she screamed and ran out of her trailer. Once outside she waited until it started to get light out before she started beating on my door.


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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

Tim Colin
HNS Senior Executive Editor-In-Chief

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