SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK
By Madam Misty Merkel
PART III OF III
After Becky agreed to solve the rat problem that she caused in the trailer park, the rats began to slowly disappear. It was not long before the Red Cross closed down its’ emergency tent to treat rabies. People stopped getting bit by rats therefore; there was no longer a need for a walk-in rabies clinic in the middle of the trailer park. Finally, no one in the trailer park reported seeing any rats at all. Even Becky said she no longer had any night visitations by the little red eyed demons. Since Becky still had lots of yummy garbage throughout her trailer the fact that she had no visitations meant that the entire trailer park was clear of any rats. Our trailer park was rat free. The manager put up a sign at the entrance of the park with a picture of a crossed out rat on it along with the words “NO RATS” written in big, bold, black letters. In addition, because the trailer park was rat free the manager raised the lot rent on the trailers by $50.00 per month.
Once the people in the trailer park realized that the rats were gone for good, they started to become very happy and contented. Everything was well in trailer park land. Even the number of people being beaten, shot or, knifed seemed to decrease. When the rats left they took with them a lot of the tension and frustrations that people seem to accumulate when they live in the close quarters of a trailer park. People even started to keep their yards up better. They started to mow their little lawns once in a while. People began to pick up their empty plastic whiskey bottles that they dropped when they passed out on the ground. People even started to greet each other with a “hi” or, “hello” instead of the standard fowl reference to either self-abuse or, going somewhere really bad when you die. These are terms Madam Misty never uses in public.
Things were going really well for people in my trailer park until one day Lonnie Belcher had some hot dogs disappear right off of her picnic table. The next day the little kid that lived across the road from Lonnie had something open up his hamster cage and whatever it was it left just a hamster foot behind. Mrs. Wallace had her cockatiel disappear and then, several dogs and cats went missing. Finally, things came to a head when old man Shorts disappeared leaving just his underwear and a shoe behind. The disappearance of old man Shorts reminded everyone of why you should always put on clean underwear everyday. You never know what might happen. You could be in an accident or something and then you’d be really embarrassed. Of course everyone around here figured that old man Shorts was probably beyond being embarrassed since he was most likely beyond this world altogether just like the hamster, bird, dogs, cats and, the hot dogs. Something in our trailer park was eating our pets and now it was starting to eat us too.
An emergency trailer park association meeting was called. Everyone in the trailer park that was left alive and sober was there. The three of us decided something had to be done. Becky was there and she shared a secret with us. It seems that in order to get rid of the rats, she called her brother who works at NASA. He sent her some special super meat eating snakes that had alien DNA. I don’t know what DNA is but, words that begin with the letter “D” are usually bad like divorce, detention, demons, devils and, downs syndrome.
Anyway, the DNA was supposed to make these snakes into super snakes that grow really fast and eat anything that can be labeled meat. I was ready to smack Becky right in the mouth for bringing these awful snakes into our trailer park but, she offered a solution. It seems her brother at NASA had some pigs that were full of space-alien DNA and that these pigs loved to eat snakes.
After a couple of days two little pigs arrived. They were so cute. The little pigs started right away digging under everyone’s trailer skirting and sucking down those awful snakes like they were sausages. After all the snakes were finally gone the trailer park celebrated with a major party. The two pigs that saved all our lives were honored at a community luau. They looked so dignified with apples in each of their mouths. They tasted great too because they were cooked with a honey-pineapple glaze.
OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY - As they gaze out their outhouse portal, Many people dream of being immortal, But, a firm rap on the door, And, you wish you could stay more, And, knowing you...
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