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Friday, April 13, 2012

INVASION OF THE ITCHY BUGS


By Mystic Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
I just had a terrible vision as I was eating an ice cone really fast.  It started with a horrific headache and then the vision appeared.  The vision was as follows:

You see that as the earth warms up and the glaciers melt then these prehistoric little critters will melt out of the ice.  These creatures live on human skin and as they devour their meals of human skin cells they cause the victim to itch uncontrollably.  In fact, these creatures cause humans to itch so bad that you will literally itch yourself into a mass of unrecognizable slop within just a few hours of having been infected by these itchy bugs.    

Of course most our you would say that the melting poles are a long ways off so how could we be endangered.   Well, I saw in my vision that an Alaskan tuna boat will be overrun by such creatures and will end up drifting with a completely devoured crew.  The tuna boat will eventually be picked up by the government and a pharmaceutical company will discover the itchy but and decide to make some money.  You see this pharmaceutical company makes anti-itch cream so they think that by infecting the world with the itchy bug they can make a lot of money selling creams, ointments and anti-itch narcotics.

Of course the itchy bugs get out of hand and  their itch pheromones evolve quickly to be resistant  to all ointments and creams and the narcotics just make people feel good so that they don’t try to run away as the itchy bugs devour their body.

2012 may not usher in the end of the world but, with things happening like the outbreak of itchy bugs 2012 will be a year long remembered in the regular calendar that we follow here in Northern Michigan.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

SHAKESPEARE AND HOMEMADE BANANA WINE

BY MYSTIC PSYCHIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
It is really tough now days to stay part of the middle class in Northern Michigan. Most people up here live in trailers but, to be middle class you have to maintain a residence in a trailer park and pay a fee each month to keep your trailer in the park. Well, with times being bad I have had to cut out drinking Mogen David which is my favorite wine but, for me it is very expensive. I have come to realize that if I did not give up my favorite brew which I have been drinking since I was a child, I would no longer be able to maintain my middle class life style and would be forced to leave my trailer park.

Well my next door neighbor May Bell Lean, (In my park the lots are so small that everyone is your next door neighbor), felt sorry for me so she brought over two gallons of her homemade banana wine. The wine was in gallon plastic milk jugs and had slices of bloated bananas floating on top. May Bell Lean told me that eating the bloated banana slices was good for me because they had both potassium and were each just loaded with alcohol.

Well my neighbor May Bell Lean was right. The bananas were full of potassium. They were also very potent relation elements that helped me to trance connect to the spirit world. After having about a half gallon of banana wine I suddenly heard a knocking at my trailer door. I opened it up and in came William Shakespeare. I kind of staggered so I asked him if he had been eating slices of banana that were floating in banana wine.

He answered, “No, I’ve just been drinking shots of Kentucky Bourbon with Daniel Boone“.

Now I was thinking that Shakespeare was sounding a bit queer. His speech sounded almost normal except he had a modern British accent. I just had to ask “you know Willie, you sound awfully modern in your speech compared to those awful things you wrote that teachers made me try to interpret in my last year of school which was 8th grade. I might have even made it to the 9th grade if your stories were in plain English. In Michigan if you get through the 9th grade then you have the choice of being either a lawyer or a midwife. Those careers have at least a four figure income up here and that‘s not including the numbers following the decimal point. ”

“Funny you should bring that up,” Willie said with a bit of glee in his voice. “You see in my day in order to get paid you had to get noble lords to like the crap you wrote and since all of them were so pompous I just made up words and stuck them all over the place so the lords could spend time interpreting my writings at their clubs and meeting places. I was like the modern painter Picasso. He really was a great painter but in order to make some currency he had to paint weird stuff. It’s like when Michael Angelo painted all those naked people on the ceiling of a church. Rich people; go figure?”

“Well Willie,” I said, “I guess my banana wine is wearing off. You’re looking kind of faded.”

“Well, it is time for me to go” Willie replied and then he vanished. I woke up the next day sitting on the can. I guess those banana slices not only give you potassium and heavy alcohol content but, they also make you more than regular.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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