BEWARE THE LEPRECHAUNS OF MARCH

BY MYSTIC PSYCHIC MADMAN MISTY MERKEL

Well, February was a month of surprises. Take those two space rocks that almost destroyed the earth. I bet you didn't see them coming. I certainly didn't and I'm supposed to be a world famous psychic. Of course the reality is that planet earth was under attack by a nasty space monkey trying to get revenge for some past problem he had with Cape Canaveral. All I have to say is "get over your problem space monkey". A grudge is something for losers. If you really want to get even with someone you need to get a gypsy to put a curse on them. Believe me a gypsy curse is very effective. I've had several of them placed on me and I haven't been able to break any of them yet.

The weather in March is going to be cold and nasty. Of course the first day of spring will be here on St. Patrick's Day. I won't be drinking any green beer this year because when I do my skin turns green (that's one of those gypsy curses I was talking about).

March of course, is when you have to watch out for leprechauns. It's a myth that leprechauns are actually dangerous. They will bite and scratch if you get them in a corner but most of the time they are just nasty little practical jokers. One thing they like to do is offer to make coffee for you. Now you might think they are going to add some of their best whisky to the coffee to make it "Irish" style. But, what they will do is add laxative to the coffee and then after you've downed about a half a pot the leprechaun will insist on going for a long drive way out in the boonies. Of course once you're way out ten miles from any toilet well, that's when the laxative really kicks in. I tell you what, I'm not falling for that again this year. After I drink the leprechauns coffee I'm not leaving my trailer. I'm gong to have the last laugh this year.

THE TROLLS OF MADAM MERKEL

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Assistant Contributer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Hey loyal fans and those who linked to this blog by mistake, I am Madam Merkel, Northern Michigan’s trusted trailer park psychic and polisher of petoskey stones.

I am ready to give you my predictions for this month.  First of all, I predict that this next month will be hot for this time of year.  So, you may want to keep a stash of ice on hand. You see because school is starting right about now all those home schooled kids will be firing up their computers to play power hungry video games all day which will drain the power grid and cause it to crash several times. And, on these really hot days the home schooled kids will be demanding some ice cold fruit flavored drinks to drink while they wait for the grid to power up again.   Hence, and I love using the word “hence”, you’ll need a stash of ice to cool off the kids’ drinks and for the ice pack you'll need for your parenting related headache.

You know kids today are so lucky that they can stay home and play video games.  They can even learn a trade from their parents.  Most of the people in my trailer park are chemists and it’s nice their children can be home to learn that trade and take part in the family business. That is if the parents can pry their kids away from gaming.

Now, back when I was young I had to go to school all day.  It was so boring.  There was always someone there asking questions and telling us kids we had to read something or do some math problems.  And math, whoever uses it once you’re out of school?  I’ve never done any math for any job I ever had and I certainly don’t need any math to do my psychic predictions.   No calculations needed in my line of work.  I just pull my psychic predictions out of thin air.

 

Now, in addition to my prediction that it is going to be a very warm month I is also predicting that there will be a new amendment to the Michigan State Constitution making it legal to go troll hunting year around without a license.  This amendment is intended to stop the spread of trolls in Michigan.   Michigan trolls are greatly irritating people all over the state with their smug online attacks and their dastardly sneaking around behind closed doors to invade our privacy.  In many instances they will post our privacy online.  Well, shame on those trolls.

  

Personally, I know I’m being plagued by trolls both online and in my trailer.  Not long after I lay down to sleep last night I heard something rustling around in my bedroom.  I turned on the light but, didn’t see any sign of an intruder.  I did notice that something seemed to be making whiny noises under my bed so I reached under it expecting to pull out a cat, rat, bat or some other critter but instead, something bit me.  I think it might have been a troll because so many people are having all sorts of troll problems but, mostly the troll problems occur online and not in their bedrooms.

Of course, there are several types of trolls online including recipe trolls, political trolls and credit card number trolls.  Now, the trolls I just mentioned are pretty irritating but, the worst ones are the grammar and spelling trolls.

Now you may be shocked to find out that I don't have any formal education much.  I know that my lack of education must be a shock because you're probably saying that the way Madam Merkel thinks and writes makes her seem like someone who should be teaching English at the college level.  Well, I am flattered by how you must be thinking  however, I do have a couple of problems with spelling and grammar and those nasty trolls are always pointing out all of my grammar and spelling mistakes.  I think those trolls are just trying to make me feel bad because I didn't graduate from high school but, I did graduate Sigmund Corn Loudie from the school of Hard Knucks.  How many people can say that? 

Anyway, all I can say is watch out trolls.  I’m a mystic not a statistic.  I got friends on the other side and I don’t just mean the ones in jail.  I’m talking about the ones on the other side of the grave; the departed, the deceased, the spirits of the dead.  I might not be able to find your hiding spots but the spirts can.  And, don’t forget, my spirit friends only grow more powerful as Halloween approaches and right now Halloween is just a couple of months away. 

Meantime, I’m going to take a broom handle and start poking away under my bed and I’ll bet you that the troll living under there is going to be pretty sore by time I get through.

THE HAUNTED SEPTIC TANK

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Paranormal Associate Investigator
Humor News Nuts Publications

My girlfriend Naomi lives just down the road from my trailer park. She lives in an older modular home but, it is on her own lot complete with a well and septic. When she first moved into her home 20 years ago the plumbing didn’t work and she had to use an outhouse. Of course it was not long before big government came along and made he dig a hole for a septic tank and field. It cost a bundle to have indoor plumbing so she had to become a working girl again. She got jobs at bars and did whatever she could on the side to pay for her plumbing.

One day she called me up and insisted that I come over to her house right away. She did not explain to me on the phone what the problem was but, as soon as got to her place I immediately detected a horrible fowl odor that literally brought tears to my eyes and my lunch up to my mouth. After loosing my lunch on the front lawn I felt a little better. My eyes burning and I even started to get a nose bleed. Finally, I managed to make it to the door and pounded on it until Naomi let me inside. I was sure that once inside the house I would not smell the foul vapors but, the stench was even stronger inside the house.

“I’m sorry Naomi,” I said “but, this place really stinks.”

“I know,” responded my chubby pale faced friend. “It’s my septic tank. All kinds of foul smells are bubbling up from the pipes along with oozy smelly goop. There are also all kinds of strange gurgling sounds. I think my septic tank is haunted and I need you to use your psychic powers to perform some sort of exorcism. The neighbors are already complaining about the smells and I’m afraid they’re going to call the county on me again. The last time the county came out they made me put in a septic tank. This time they’ll probably want me to hook up to the sewer line they ran past my house last year. I’m not made of money like British Petroleum. I can’t afford to do anything about my stuff draining into other people’s yards. And, I can’t help it if the Sweeny’s next door have their kids sand box and their swimming pool near my septic field. You’d think they’d be happy that my seepage stuff is giving them the best vegetable garden they have ever had. You should see the size of their tomatoes. I believe their potatoes and radishes have never had such green leaves.”

After inspecting all the places where the ooze was coming to the surface of the ground and backing up the pipes in the sinks, bath and laundry tub, I immediate knew what had to be done. I asked Naomi for fifty bucks to cover my ghost buster fee. I took out my two best Petoskey stones from my purse and rubbed them together saying three times “give up the ghost septic tank, give up the ghost septic tank, and give up the ghost septic tank.” I then told Naomi to light up scented candles throughout the house from now on.

Naomi followed my advice and reported back to me that the scented candles really did make the house smell better. Unfortunately, the septic sewage kept oozing up and the county health department was soon over there advising Naomi that she needed to connect up to the sewer which would cost her about ten thousand dollars. She got mad at me but, I told her the fifty bucks was not refundable because I did at least make her house smell better. She still does not speak to me. Oh well, she no longer has time to hang out with me since she had to get a couple of more jobs to pay for her sewer line hook-up.