MYSTIC MADAME MISTY MERKEL AND AND HER LOYAL READER

By Mystic Madame Misty Merkel
The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic

What are they putting in shampoo now days.  I washed my hair this afternoon and my hair was so greasy I thought it was full of motor oil.  Maybe I picked up the wrong stuff at the store.  I bought my shampoo at the gas station this morning when I walked down there to pick up a bottle of wine.  I shop there for most of my stuff since the gas station is just at the end of the trailer park.

Well anyway, I had to use laundry soap to get the grease out of my hair.  Now I've got a bad case of the frizzies.  I just hope that if any apparitions decide to communicate with me I won't scare them off.  It's hard to make a living getting information from the dead when your appearance scares them permanently back over to the otherside.  

Right now the wine I bought is beginning to kick-in so I should be going into a psychic trance anytime now.  I'm trying to find out what is going to happen next month so I can report it to my loyal readers:  Penny, Mary and Sam.    Penny is my neighbor down the street.  Mary and Sam are her two cats.  Penny is a really nice elderly lady.   Mary is a really nice cat but Sam is bipolar.  Sam will be all lovey-dovey then all of a sudden he'll bite you.  Everyone in the trailer park has had to get a tetanus shot because of that cat.  We all still put up with Sam because he is a really good mouser.  Sometimes he'll even get one of those big rats that hangs out at the gas station.

Well, I've got to get going into my trance.  Jimmy Stewart has some insider Hollywood gossip he wants to share with me.   I'm not too excited about it though.  He probably just wants to tell me about some actor forgetting their lines because they were out drinking the night before.

LOOK WHAT THE METEORITES DID TO MY CAT

By Mystic Madame Misty Merkel
Contributor:  Humor News Nuts Psychic News

That meteorite shower we had the other day must have been awesome to see.  I was in a trance speaking to spirits so I missed it.  However, my new little calico cat that lives under my trailer came home with glowing crap all over him.  It seems the meteorite burned up and a bunch of radioactive dust fell down all over everything outside.  I wouldn't have thought anything of it but then this morning my cat crawled out from underneath the trailer and looked like a 22 foot long python with just a little bit of calico fur sticking out around the mouth.  I went outside with a can of tuna to see if my kitty wanted anything to eat and he just hissed at me and stuck out his long pink tongue.

After that I decided I was not going to feed anymore stray cats.  They are just so ungrateful.    I realize that my kitty had been physically changed by the radiation from the meteorites but, still he had no business being rude to me after I had been sharing my tuna fish with him.  

Well, my kitty-python has moved on down to Mrs. Allen's trailer next door.  Maybe she might feed the creature but, I will not.  I haven't seen Mrs. Allen around lately so I haven't had a chance to ask her about the kitty-python.  Although, I think she must be feeding it well because the creature has a big bulge in it's belly that is at least five feet long.      

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS AUGUST IS IN THE TOILET

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Resident Psychic
HNS Publications

I know it's August and summer for the most part is on it's last legs.  It's chilly in the mornings in Northern Michigan and summer squash leaves have a tinge of yellow in them.  I don't raise summer squash but my neighbor Barb does.  She brought me over some squash blossoms and told me to fry them.  She said that squash blossoms are delicious.  I never eat fried foods because then I've got a pan to wash so I just put the squash blossoms in the microwave.  Well, the blossoms pretty much disappeared.  It seems squash blossoms are all water and a microwave really evaporates water out of stuff.  I still told Bard the blossoms were delicious.  You don't want to tick-off your neighbors in a trailer park because most of them are heavily armed and the ones with the most guns are unemployed, drink heavily and raise squash just  to get some squash blossoms to fry.

I predict that August will be a relatively nasty month.  It will turn really cold suddenly and a lot of woodland animals looking for a winter home will be trying to gnaw a way into your trailer.   I already have some gnaw marks on my trailer.
 Chipmunks are especially prone to trailer gnawing.  What's really bad about chipmunks is that once they've gnawed into your trailer they immediately look for a toilet to take a swim in.  Chipmunks are notorious toilet swimmers.  If you catch them in the daytime swimming in your toilet you can just give them a nice flush out to the septic tank  where your former pet goldfish, guppies, turtles and hamsters reside.  However, if you happen to sit on the toilet at night without turning on the light and checking the toilet contents then you might be in for a  surprise.   I find the surprise to be offensive but, some might enjoy it.  It all depends on your point of view.

Well, enough with the toilet talk.  I have to get on with my predicting since that's what I'm paid to do.  So, my final prediction for August is that the U.S. Department of Agriculture will approve foot fungus as a natural food preservative for hot dogs.  This makes a lot of sense since most hot dogs are made up of powdered toenails and other foot related growths and excretions.

THERE ARE VAMPIRES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Madam Mysty Merkel
Great Grand Psychic of Michigan
There are vampires in Northern Michigan. I am a psychic and I can detect their presence. They are also psychics but their psychic abilities go beyond reading minds. Vampires have the ability to control minds. That’s what makes them so dangerous. People are just unaware when the power of a vampire comes upon them. The vampire mind twists their very thoughts around so that they become the victims of the nefarious creatures or darkness.

Because of my strong psychic abilities, I am resistant to the powers of vampires. Vampires only have power over the extremely weak minded. That’s why most vampires live near the capital building in Washington D.C. Congressmen are just rich kids but, their daddy’s don’t think they are smart enough to run daddy’s business so daddy buys them a seat in the Congress or if daddy is really rich, the kid gets a set in the Senate..

Of course vampires recognize the way things are run but unfortunately for vampires, because their tissues are technically dead, vampires cannot have children. Hence, vampires have to control the bodies of legislatures whose minds are dead. It is the glorious irony of the ancient gods that the extremely smart vampires cannot have children yet the brain dead of the super elite can propagate continuously as they vote upon what should happen to their fellow human beings who were born to the working caste.

At any rate, there are vampires afoot. They may look gorgeous to the untrained eye but just remember that beautiful beast of a woman you see before you might look 22 years old but she just might be 22 hundred years old.