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Saturday, February 7, 2015


by Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Resident Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, it's February and it is cold here in the far North, It’s too cold to walk to the gas station so, I'm going to have to make my own wine.  The problem is that I just don't have any berries to crush.  I went around the neighborhood to see if there were any berries growing and I didn't find a one.  I did pick a few dead maple leaves but, I've never heard of wine made from leaves before and I can't find any recipe.  Maybe leaf wine is poison.  Maybe it causes brain injuries or some other disease like typhoid or malaria.   I just don't know.  If only I had cable news to watch I'd probably know these things.

I don't have cable news to watch because the monthly bill for cable is more then I pay for lot rent.  I do occasionally have Internet service but, only when there's a full moon.  We never use to have Internet but then, there was this big meteorite that crashed right in the center of our town.  It had all kinds of metal things sticking out of it and nobody still knows where or what it is.  Some think it's a part off the space station and it feel to earth when the space station was destroyed by aliens.  So I asked this guy I know named Tim Colin and he investigates space invaders and he said the space station hasn't been destroyed, yet.  However, he did say it will be destroyed in the distant future and maybe the meteorite that crashed in my trailer park was a part of that destroyed space station that had traveled back in time through some sort of time vortex.  I didn't understand what Tim was talking about.  It all sounded really weird to me but, I didn't have to take any science school so I wouldn't know.  I'm glad I never had science because now my brain isn't cluttered with all that razz-a-ma-tazz space-time-vortex stuff.  Instead, I can concentrate on stuff that matters to people on a day to day basis like predicting the future and contacting the spirit world.

Speaking of predicting the future, I have to tell you that I predict that the rest of February is going to be really cold.  I also predict that ice fishing will become so popular this winter that it will be included in the next Winter Olympics.  Of course I also predict that tweeting will become an event at the Olympic Summer Games.  Personally, I tried tweeting but no one listened.  In fact I ended up with a -300 followers.  It seems that somehow I had more people "unfollow" than follow so after my first day of tweeting I quit.  I still have an account but, I’m afraid to see how many “unfollows” I have now.  

Finally, I want to remind everyone that February is National Trailer Park Beautification Month.  Here in Michigan we have a trailer park beautification contest this month and I think if we'd just get about five more meet of snow, my park just might win.  

Monday, February 2, 2015


by Local Legend Psychic Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel
Assistant Associate Contributing Author

Well, today is the day you must stay inside and nail your doors and windows shut.  You see, it is the day of reckoning for everyone in Northern Michigan and horrific little monsters are burrowing out from the bowels of the cold, cold earth to go hunting for some hot steamy meat.   I am of course talking about ground hogs.  Now, normally ground hogs are creatures that eat only vegetation however, the particular breed of ground hog found in Northern Michigan, eats only living human flesh.  

Although these little carnivores terrorize everyone in the area they do have one good quality; they only tunnel up from below and attack one day each year and then they return to their cold subterranean world to sleep and dream of devouring warm human flesh on their own very special day.  That day is known as Ground Hog Day and is celebrated in many places by observing a less aggressive species of ground hog as it looks to see if its shadow appears.  I'm not sure what the significance of seeing or not seeing a shadow has but, I'm told it is something to do with predicting the weather for the next six weeks.  Well, in Northern Michigan I can tell you that you don't need a psychic or a ground hog to predict the weather for February and the first half of March.  It is going to be snowy, slippery and cold.  People who live in Northern Michigan know that we have only two seasons:  Winter and Wintrier.  We are currently in the Wintrier season.

Now, as far as the meat-eating ground hogs in Northern Michigan I can tell you that although they may appear to be relatively small compared to a human, a one foot tall ground hog can easily devour 10-20 adult humans in a single twenty four hour period.  I'm sure some of you are asking how this is possible.  Well, all I can tell you is that those little ground hogs completely digest their food as soon as they swallow it.  It's really quite amazing.  Last year I watched from my trailer bay front widow as Old Henry was completely consumed by a ground hog that probably weighed less than 15 lbs.  Old Henry was a bulky man who weighed easily 300 lbs.  I was shocked to see that little ground hog shove that very large man down its throat and as the man went into the mouth of the ground hog a large tube of scat began flowing from the ground hogs back-end.  It was amazing and very fortuitous for this psychic madam because right where the ground hog was depositing Old Henry I happened to grow a small patch of begonia every year and last year I won a blue ribbon for having the most beautiful begonias in the entire trailer park.

Of course, I don't intend to end up as fertilizer in someone’s flower garden so; I am staying inside all day and all night on Ground Hog Day.  I just hope those little demon beasts don't get into my septic tank and try getting into my trailer through my toilet bowl.  I have snakes coming up in my toilet a couple times a week and once in a while a half-drowned rabbit will scamper out of my bathroom.  I just might purposely plug up my toilet with toilet paper for the rest of the day to keep those little demon ground hogs from using my pipes to enter my home.   You see, you just got do what you got to do on Ground Hog Day.     

So, stay safe on Ground Hog Day and try not to end up fertilizing someone’s begonias.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

Tim Colin
HNS Senior Executive Editor-In-Chief

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