By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Assistant Associate Team-Leader-Member Contributor
And Resident Registered Psychic
Humor News Nuts Publications
Well, the 4th of July holiday is upon us and I've been working hard to predict how this holiday will turnout for all the beach people who are going out there to swim in the big lakes. In general, I have concluded after spending several hours in a trance that this should be an ideal weekend for those going to the beach except, for those who are attacked by sharks.
Now, shark attacks are quite common in the great lakes during the summer months and occasionally one of those nasty fish will come right up through the ice and grab a fisherman in the winter. Of course the number of shark attacks in the Great Lakes continues to climb season after season ever since the state of Michigan decided to introduce highly predatory creatures into the Lake Michigan to keep illegal natives of the state of Wisconsin from entering our state. Wisconsinites were notorious for sneaking contraband into Michigan like cheese and beer. On land they're caught at the border most of the time but, the Michigan Coast Guard just could not patrol 100% of the lake shore so drastic methods had to implemented to protect Michigan's native cheese and beer industries.
I'm sure a lot of you are saying to your like-minded friends on your twitter accounts that there are no sharks in the Great Lakes. For, it is common knowledge on social media that sharks cannot live in the Great Lakes because the water is too polluted. Well, like most tweets on twitter, you would be wrong.
You see, several years ago the state of Michigan asked the notorious scientist and inventor of the Frankenmoose, if he would develop predatory sharks that could live in the polluted waters of Lake Michigan. Well, it wasn't long before the good doctor had perfected several species of sharks who could thrive in polluted waters anywhere on earth.
So, I do predict the number of shark attacks on Lake Michigan waters will far exceed the number of attacks from last year. You probably don't have to be a psychic to predict this "no-brainer." Of course, if you simply go to the beach and lounge around without going into the water your chances of a shark attack go down to about 10%. However, those who are venturing into the waters this holiday should expect to loose some sort of limb or, internal organ or, some other protrusion. And, if you still decide that you want to go into the water then, just don't splash around too much and definitely do not pass gas. Flatulence is like a dinner bell to freshwater predators like the great-white and tiger sharks.
Overall, I predict a sunny holiday with warm temperatures yet, just enough breeze for you people who like to scoot around on little dingy-sized sailboats.
And, as always in Northern Michigan the nightlife and fireworks will be superb this year. So, Happy Fourth of July.
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