PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Part-time Contributor,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments like in the U.S. or U.K.   Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, Knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue and sped off to harass some other people no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control.

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL DOES NOVEMBER

NOVEMBER GOES OUT LIKE A TURKEY
by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel 
Associated Writer Humor News Nuts 

Well, it's November and I predict that pets and their people companions are going to have a really interesting month.  I want to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to four new visitors to my website last month.  Danny  Dewberry and his three pet crows spent a record three minutes on my website before moving on to YouTube.   It seems Danny has very slow motor skills and has problems manipulating his mouse.  That might be the reason he ended up on my website and  stayed so long  but hey, we'll take new visitors anyway we can.

I know who Danny is because he lives on the other side of my trailer-park and drinks bottles of ketchup like they are pop.  Now, poor Danny is disabled and lives on SSI.  Danny can't work because he suffers from a disease that causes his middle fingers to fly up at everyone he sees.  It's very embarrassing and the poor man can't control himself. Of course Danny can't find employment because he just can't overcome his disability during job interviews.  I've heard that his fingers are especially active at popping up and down while sitting across the table from a prospective employer.    

Danny's neighbor tells me that Danny has been trying medicinal herbs to keep his finger from popping up and also to get his birds to calm down.    Danny claims his birds have a "bipolar" disorder.   Not everyone believes Danny needs to possess and use medicinal herbs and the state police have raided his trailer twice in the last six months but, I guess he has a good lawyer so, the police pretty much let him alone now.  It's hard to believe he got a descent lawyer from the public defenders office but, I guess he's proof that such professionals do exist.

Getting back to predictions: I predict that November's weather will come in like a lamb and go out like a turkey.  And, by turkey I am of course referring to Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is a time in America when whole families get together and, once they've had enough of each other they decide to make other plans for Christmas.  After last thanksgiving I believe my family won't be getting together for the next ten Holiday seasons.  My aunt made everyone pay to use the toilet and only allowed each person to use four sheets of toilet paper.  It seems my aunt is a real psycho when it comes to overusing her septic tank.  She is paranoid that the smell is going to backup into her trailer.  But you know what, after smelling her cooking for several hours a good whiff of septic slurry would be a relief to your olfactory glands. And of course, her cooking tastes worse than it smells.    

Getting back to predictions once again:  I am also predicting that a noted local Northern Michigan ET investigator will reveal that the large meteor explosion over Russia last Winter was in fact an exploding spacecraft.   This investigator will reveal that an alien rat sacrificed it's spaceship in order to save planet earth from eminent doom.  My old friend President Nixon has told me that an evil space-monkey on board Voyager 1 was trying to destroy the earth by aiming an asteroid at it.  Of course, if this all proves to be true then maybe I'll have to get rid of my rat traps that I have spread out underneath my trailer.   If rats are now smart enough to build spaceships then, they probably won't get caught in any of my traps.   I'm just wasting government cheese.    I don't know what you think about the taste of government cheese but, it don't taste too bad if you chase it down with a bottle of Mogen David.

I CONTACTED MARS FOR HALLOWEEN

My Conversation With Ludwig The Martian

by Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Well, now the frost is on the foliage and there's a real nip in the air.  The leaves are turning color and the squirrels are trying to gnaw their way into my trailer.  All these signs point to fall and with fall comes the time when the souls of the departed wander aimlessly through my trailer park.  Unfortunately, most of these former personages usually end up at my door wanting me to impart to their living kith and kin certain information that the departed neglected to pass on before they passed on.  Some of the information involves finances such as regarding lost wills, buried treasures or, matters not so important like maybe something as mundane as to how to start the Chevy while in third gear or some family recipe for mincemeat that was never written down or passed on orally.   Of course, since the dead don't have any money it really is not profitable for me to use my gift to help their loved ones and, I don't run a charity here.  I have to make a living selling myself to those with cash.  Hence, because of all the bother from deadbeat deadsters I don't really look forward to Halloween anymore.

Of course my readers are a different matter.  I don't really make any money blogging about my psychic talents however, there is always the potential someone will take a commercial interest in my abilities and hire my abilities at what I hope would be premium prices.  So, for my many readers and potential benefactors I've planned something special to celebrate Halloween this year.  It has to do with the recent discovery of water on mars.  You see, since there is water on mars it only stands to reason deductively that there must also be intelligent life on the planet so, I decided to use my abilities to contact the Martians this year as sort of my Halloween treat for my dedicated readers and potential employers.

Now, in order to contact Mars I had to rely on my Petoskey stone.   The reason I used a Petoskey stone is because Northern Michigan and Mars are the only two places in the galaxy where you can find a Petoskey stone and since Petoskey stones are psychic mediums I figured I would be able to contact a Martian who was in possession of or vicinity of a Petoskey stone.  And so, I proceeded drinking a bottle of wine and going into a trance while rubbing a nicely polished Petoskey stone in between my fingers.

Well, it wasn’t long before I made contact with Mars.  In fact, it was with a Martian named Ludwig.  "Hello Ludwig," I called out across millions of miles of space.   "Don't be alarmed.  I'm Psychic Madam Merkel calling out to you from planet earth.  I can sense you are not human and I believe your name is Ludwig, am I correct."

A few moments passed.  I imagined the alien creature might have been a bit shocked hearing from someone from another world.  "Hi madam Merkel," a voice deep within my head responded.  "I am on planet mars and my name is Ludwig.  I was just polishing my Petoskey stone and thinking about visiting earth."

"Visiting Earth?" I said.  "Why would you be visiting earth?"

"Well Madam Misty, I'm out of cigarettes.  You wouldn't happen to have any cigarettes on you?"

“No, I don't have any cigarettes,” I said. "Cigarettes aren't good for you so I don't smoke them."

"Then, do you have any beer," Ludwig asked. 

"No I don't have any beer," I replied.  "I can't drink beer because it gives me gas.  I drink only wine and liqueur and I only drink them because they help to put me in a trance so I can contact spirits."

"That's too bad," Ludwig commented in a dejected voice.  "I need a smoke really bad.  I guess I'll have to go to earth and pick up some smokes and beer."

I said, "Since you’re going to come to earth then you must have space travel technology."    

Nah; we don't have any spaceships or any technology at all. We just have rocks.  That's all we've got here.  A guy recently discovered water here but, no one knows what to do with it.  It's really weird stuff.  First it's hard then, it's soft, it's hot, it's cold.  Like I said, it doesn’t seem to be good for much but maybe we can sell it to tourists as a souvenir or something.   I really don't know but, I do need to get to earth to get some cigarettes."

"Well, if you don't have spaceships how are you going to get here?" I asked.

"I’ll just hitch a ride from some passersby’s.   I just have to climb up a mountain and stick out my yozi and someone will stop."    

   

"So you just hitchhike from planet mars onboard some spaceship from another world.  And, you stick out your "yozi."  So, what's a yozi anyway?  Is it like the human thumb that we humans use to get a ride?"

Artist Concept:  Martian uses yozi to hitchhike to earth.

“It’s not like a thumb,” Ludwig responded, “A yozi is the only appendage that we Martians have.  I know you earth people have all kinds of things sticking out of you: you have arms and legs and those long gnarly things that are on the ends of your arms that you stick up your nose to clean it out.  By the way, that habit of yours is really gross.  I would never stick my yozi up my nose of course; I don't have a nose; all I have is a yozi."

"That seems pretty odd," I commented, "What can you do with just a yozi?"

"We do everything with our Yozi," Ludwig replied.  "We hop around on our yozi, we shoot hoops with our yozi and we play tetherball with our yozi.  Of course the Martian with the longest yozi usually wins at tetherball but hey, it's still our major sporting event and it’s one where every Martian can show off his or her prowess with his or her yozi.  And finally, the best thing that we do is we cuddle with our yozi.  It’s pretty hard to cuddle if you don't have a yozi.  Of course you humans couldn't know anything about cuddling since you always have your fingers up your nose and who'd want to cuddle with you anyway after you've been digging away up your nose all day." 

I began to become afraid that Ludwig was taking me into some deep dark places that I and my readers did not want to go so; I decided to end the conversation.  "Well, Ludwig," I said," I hope you can catch a ride to earth so you can get some cigarettes and beer.  I'm going to have to be going now since the wine I drank is wearing off and I'm starting to come out our my psychic trance but, before I go I just want to wish you and all my readers a Happy Halloween."

Then Ludwig said “And, a Happy Halloween to you Madam Merkel and to all the peoples of earth.  I just wish I had some cigarettes."     

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS

HOW I TRICK OR TREAT
by Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel

Well, it's Halloween season again and time to go out trick-or-treating.  This year I'm going to dress up to look like a little kid because the ones who dressed up like little kids last year seemed to get more candy.  People giving out candy would often let the ones that looked like little kids take whatever they wanted then when I reached into the candy bowl they'd say something like "Just one for you," or, "aren't you a little old to be out trick-or-treating?"  And, some people just pulled the whole candy bowl right away from me and said "Get out of here you old bat.  This candy is for the little kids."  And, I wasn't even dressed like a bat let alone an old one.  I have always dressed up like a glamorous vampire I call Dracolina.

Well, this year I'm just going to dress up like a little fairy princess and I'm certain that will get me a bigger load in my candy-sack

Now, I've been trick-or-treating for over three decades and the one thing I have learned is that you only want to trick-or-treat in the better neighborhoods.  In the better neighborhoods almost everybody gives out candy and usually it's the good stuff like chocolate eyeballs or juicy fangs.  People in nice neighborhoods are usually social climbers and don't want to look cheap in front of their neighbors.  Of course you should avoid neighborhoods made up of senior citizens because they'll just give you things you don't want like a doughnut hole or bruised apple.   Some seniors will drop a penny in your sack but, it just isn't worth ringing the doorbell on a hundred senior condos just to end up with a buck at the end of the night.  I could do better cruising the pick-up windows at Burger King and picking up the stray change that drunk people drop on the ground at four in the morning.

If I have a good night tonight I'm going to sit down with a bottle of schnapps and sample some of the candy from my bag.  I've been told that alcoholic beverages help to prevent tooth decay so, I always have a few shots after I've consumed candy.

Well, I better get going.  I've got to take public transportation into town early so I can get started.  The earlier I start then the more candy I can get before everyone runs out.  I'll also get to pick over the candy for Snickers bars.  I try to take the candy with nuts in it to prevent children from having an allergenic nut reaction.

Now, I must really get going and to all you Pumpkin Night Worshipers, "HAPPY HALLOWEEN!"

THE DAY THE EARTH MOVED FORWARD ONE HOUR

BY PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY (MURKY) MERKEL
Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Publications

I happened to look at my calendar today and found out that it's March.  In fact, it's the 8th of March and I'm missing a whole week.  I am also missing an hour since Daylight Savings Time starts today.  I guess Daylight Savings Time is some sort of government holiday because I don't think the rest of the world cares.  It's just another day that mail isn't delivered and since it's Sunday anyway again, it's a holiday that just doesn't matter to normal people like me.

Well, anyway I have some pretty important predictions for March.  For one thing leprechauns aren't going to be welcomed at most hotels in Northern Michigan for St. Patrick’s Day because of the nasty way they tore everything up last year.  I mean that they came up here from Bay City last year and just tore every hotel that they stayed in to ruins.  I mean those little guys caused some gigantic damage.  For instance, at one of our best hotels the little guys ripped all the newspaper off the walls and ceilings and burned it in the wood-stove.  So, that hotel didn't have any insulation in it for the next six months.  It took that long to gather up enough old newspapers to cover all the ceiling and wall surfaces.
Leprechauns did even worse damage at a prestigious downtown hotel when they cut peep holes in all the outhouses so no one had any privacy when they had to see Mrs. Jones (Mrs. Jones is what my grandmother use to call a toilet.)

Now, I do have other predictions, like the one about what happens when a bear walks into a forest in the spring?  All the trees are scared into leafing.   Ha, Ha.  But seriously, March is going to be a month with unstable temperatures and icy roads.  Some people will finally take down their outdoor Christmas decorations and realize after finding all the holes in their plastic reindeer that those were gunshots they heard on New Year’s Eve and not firecrackers.

Well, I got to wrap it up now.  I'm predicting that I'm going to have a busy time this month since with all the melting snow many people will be having their septic tanks backing up into their trailers.  Most people I know can't afford a professional to fix their problem so they call on me to see if I can drive away the evil spirits with a séance and hence, keep the spirits from gurgling up from just below ground level.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.  I still charge $10 whether I'm successful or not.  I should charge more but, I've found that if the client is only out $10 then, if things don't work out I'm not so likely to be turned into the authorities again.  Fines and bail money can really eat into an honest psychic’s profit.

IZZY AND THE SNOT DRAGONS

By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel

When you live in a trailer park like I do you come across all kinds of strange stuff like dead people, werewolves, vampires, killer snakes and space aliens. Other than what I just mentioned, people in trailer parks live pretty much normal lives. The one exception to that rule is the late Izzy Snotkowski.

Izzy is a local legend here in Northern Michigan. Back in the 1980’s he had a heavy metal band called Izzy and The Snot Dragons. Izzy’s band went on tour all over the world and opened for such bands as The Nooner Specialists and Telly Titus and The Sea Monkeys. In fact, Izzy had an awesome band and I went to see them several times. There was always something special in the air at his concerts. His music is said to have transformed many a young mind. I think that maybe my psychic abilities grew out of my experiences at his live concerts on the green in downtown Grelickville.

Now Izzy was not only a magical man when it came to heavy metal music but, he was also a biker. He was especially good at performing stunts at local fairs and backyard functions like birthdays, weddings and getting home from prison parties. One day back in 1989 my boyfriend (soon to be husband and former husband) got out of jail and his parents through him a big party on their farm. My boyfriend knew Izzy really well so Izzy was honored to perform a stunk on his bike at the party.

Izzy and my boyfriend went way back so Izzy decided to do something special for entertainment at the party. My boyfriend’s parents had a railroad track that went right across their farm and every evening at 8:15 p.m. a train would run through the farm. Izzy decided his trick would be to run his motorcycle up to the track and then jump on the track right in front of the train and run his motorcycle ahead of the train for a quarter of a mile and then jump his bike off the track before the train ran over him. Well, the stunt went badly from the get go for as soon as Izzy’s bike jumped onto the track the train hit him which turned Izzy and his Kawasaki into sushi.

That was the most tragic get out of jail party I had ever attended. It is ironic that the tragic end to poor Izzy foreshadowed the tragic end to the relationship that I and my boyfriend had for the day after the accident my boyfriend and I got married and we hated each other every single day afterwards. Just thinking about that man right now makes me want to break something and then call the cops.

Anyway, Izzy used to have a trailer over on lot nine. Because the trailer was haunted by Izzy’s ghost no one would rent it so, Izzy’s family burned it down one Halloween night and collected the insurance on it. The fire was blamed on a neighbor kid named Justin and Justin spent a few years in the pokey for it. It seems Justin was known in the neighborhood as the kid who liked to play with matches so everyone assumed that he was the arsonist who burned down Izzy’s trailer. This is a clear warning to all the kids out there that you should not be caught playing with matches or you’ll be blamed for burning something down.

What really sealed Justin’s fate was when the jury found out that Justin wet to bed. They assumed he was an arsonist since everyone knows that people wet to bed in an attempt to put out a fire they started in a dream. Playing with matches and bed wetting got Justin five years in Jackson penitentiary.

After the charred remains of Izzy’s trailer were hauled away someone else rented the lot and put a brand new trailer on it. It was not long before that trailer too was haunted so the owner and his family abandoned the trailer in the middle of the night. Several more trailers were tried out on lot nine but everyone moved out within a few weeks. Finally, the last trailer that was abandoned lies empty to this day. The only thing is that every night at midnight the entire trailer park can hear Izzy ripping through chords on his electric guitar like he did before he became a ground hamburger with Kawasaki shoestrings fries along side the railroad track.

In the trailer park we have come to view Izzy’s late night riffs as a sort of trailer park taps. It’s goodnight to the day and goodnight to all those old heavy metal bikers