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Thursday, December 1, 2016

MADAM MERKEL REMEMBERS CHRISTMAS MORNINGS BEFORE HER DAD RAN OFF WITH AUNT PHYLLIS

by Madam Mystic Misty (Murky) Merkel
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, it's December and the holidays are upon us.  My family always celebrated Christmas although we didn't know much about it except kids were supposed to get presents Christmas morning and on Christmas day there was always some sort of Christmas dinner; usually canned ham along with some potatoes and beans. 

Dinner wasn't what the kids looked forward to but instead; it was opening of the presents that Santa had brought us the night before.  Back then I used to get good stuff but, now I just get a lump of coal each year.  I won't go into the reasons I just get a lump of coal but, pretty much everyone I associate with only gets a lump of coal from Santa each year.  It seems that either Santa’s standard for whom gets presents is really high or I and people I associate with have standards that are really low. 

One good thing about just getting a lump of coal in my stocking is that I can just leave my stocking on the outside doorknob because no one is going to bother stealing a lump of coal.  Otherwise, if Santa had to climb down my stovepipe I would have to not start a fire in my wood-stove and that would lead to disaster.  Now, I could probably keep personally warm with just a space heater and some extra blankets but, trying to keep my plastic pipes running to the sink and toilet from freezing and breaking would be quite a trick.  No one living in a trailer in Northern Michigan can go long without their wood-stove unless of course they are rich enough to afford kerosene for a kerosene heater.  

Now, when I was a kid Santa always brought my sisters and me a broken candy cane and a coloring book along with a single box of crayons for all of us.  I asked my dad why the candy canes were always broken and why Santa only brought us a single box of crayons.  My dad replied that because the stovepipe was so narrow that Santa broke the candy canes on the way down.  My dad also said that Santa brought us girls just a single box of crayons because Santa wanted us to learn how to share.  Of course, whatever Santa did was o.k. by us kids and we did learn to share the crayons.  We just broke each crayon into three parts and we each got our own set of crayons that way.               


Sunday, November 6, 2016

WEIRD SISTERS MAKE PRESIDENTIAL PREDICTION

Chili of the Weird Sisters
TRAILER OF THE WEIRD SISTERS

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

I've decided to find out once and for all who is going to be the president.  I've used all my psychic abilities to try to see into the future but alas, I just can’t get a clear picture on this one so, I've decided to use the nuclear option on this one and go down the street to the trailer of the weird sisters; My direct psychic competitors, and divine from them the outcome of this election.  

I suppose I should give you a bit of background regarding the Weird Sisters and I have to say that "weird" hardly describes them.  The sisters are not considered weird because they have always lived together, never married or even dated and, spend all their time cooking and eating.  You see in my trailer park there are lots of sisters living together to share expenses like rent, have a roommate they can trust and spend a lot of time cooking and eating what they cook.  Luckily, most of these sisters like to give out samples of their cooking to neighbors who like myself, don't like to cook but, still like to eat good stuff.

That all said, the weird sisters are considered weird because of the demonic powers they seem to draw from the chili that they coagulate in a large black cauldron in front of their trailer every afternoon on All Hollow’s Eve. 

Well, this year I went down to visit the weird sisters to find out from them if a man or a woman would be sleeping in the White House after this year’s election for president. I did not want to ask the weird sisters the name of the person who would be sleeping in the white house because they would just give me some indirect answer anyway.

As luck would have it all three weird sisters were busily stirring their wicked chili together when I approached them on All Hollow’s Eve.

“Hi Morgen, Zorgon and Dorgon.  How are the sisters Gorgon doing today?”  I addressed them by their first names and their last name, Gorgon.”

“The sisters Gorgon are doing very well on this most festive of holidays." replied Morgan, "We are preparing our chili for the potluck that our place of worship is having this evening.  Would you like a little taste of it in a bowl?”

“It smells so delicious I can’t help but take a sample of it, thank you,” I said.  All three sisters were on the chunky side.  No doubt they did a lot of sampling of their creations as they concocted them.  This of course made me feel very safe to taste their food since they obviously did a lot of tasting themselves.

Morgon then said, “We have to first say a little word over our chili and add the final ingredients before we can give you a sample Madam Merkel.  Do you have a few minutes?”

“No problem,” I said.

“Well sisters, let’s begin now,” Morgan said as each sister held up by a thumb and forefinger a part of the final ingredients. 
The sisters then began a short incantation with each sister reciting exactly one sentence and then releasing their ingredient into the chili.

“Wing of bat,” Morgan said as she released from between her thumb and index finger what looked to be a rodent wing.

“Tail of rat,” said sister Zorgon as she released a long hair string like tail into the chili.

“Eye of Nat,” said weird sister Dorgan as she released the thing that really creeped me out, a very real looking human eyeball.” 

Then the sister chanted the following incantation:

“Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, and boil
The bear and chief inspector,
The election totals they will spoil.” 

Well, I was just shocked.  I couldn’t believe it and I just had to say something, 
“Hey sisters,” I said, “That looked like a real human eye that you dropped into your chili.  What’s up with that?”

“Well, that was an eye from Jerry Nathan who lives down the road,” responded Zorgon.

“You mean one-eyed Willie,” I asked.
“The same,” answered Dorgon.

“So now one-eyed Willie doesn’t have any eyes left and can’t see at all?” I proclaimed.

“Naw,” responded Morgon “that was his glass eye.  Every year he lets us use it in our potluck Halloween social down at our church.  The person who gets the surprise in their chili, the eyeball, wins the jackpot which is a brand new vacuum cleaner courtesy of the second hand store in Chum’s Corners.  And, our course if you’re wondering, in order to claim the prize,   someone has to give up the eyeball and then we return it to Jerry along with all our sisterly love and affections for his good and charitable lending of his eyeball to our good cause.”

“Wow, that’s a relief,” I remarked to the weird sisters.  “Can I have a bowl of you delicious chili now?” I asked.  I was actually getting quite hungry and I was intending to go out trick or treating later on that evening.

Weird sister Morgan then used a ladle to place some very chunky looking chili into a porcelain bowl and then Morgan handed me the bowl along with a plastic spoon to eat it with.  She then kindly handed me a few oyster crackers which I then dropped on top of my homemade chili. 

“Well, this looks delicious,” I said.  “Too bad I don’t have any cheese,”

Unfortunately, we just don’t have that,” responded Dorgon with a sigh, “But, if you wait a few hours you’ll be making your own cheese.”

We all broke out in a very loud laugh.  Dorgan’s joke was just so funny. Then, I started stirring around my chili with my plastic spoon and found that it seemed to have a lot of flakes of what looked like skin in it along with pieces of intestine looking worms.  “What’s all this stuff in my chili?” I asked.

“You must be referring to the pedestrian roadkill that we add to our chili.  It’s really just like zucchini. The roadkill does not have much taste but, it’s really good filler.  Otherwise our chili would be too strongly flavored by tomatoes and taste like everyone else’s chili”.

“Oh, that sounds alright,” I responded.  “I just didn’t want to be eating something weird.  Something that, no one in Northern Michigan hasn’t eaten before.

After I was done eating I handed my empty bowl and spoon back to the weird sisters. The chili was delicious but, it could have had more salt for my liking but I didn’t want to say anything insulting before I got my presidential prediction from the weird sisters.  

“Thank you kind sisters for a taste of your wonderful chili,” I said. “I didn’t get any eyeball so I guess I won’t get a prize.”

Then Morgan said, “You should come to our potluck tonight Madam Merkel.  You might win the big prize and it only cost a five dollar donation to sample all the chili’s there.”

“I’d love to come,” I said, “but, I’m going trick-or-treating tonight with a friend. Say, I do have a large favor to ask you sisters though.”

“Anything for you Madam Merkel,” replied Morgan.

Well sisters Gorgon, as you probably know there is a presidential election going on and I am having a hard time predicting it and I was wondering if you couldn’t help me out by giving me your prediction.

“No problem,” replied Gorgon. Then, the three weird sister each grabbed hold of the long ladle that sat in their chili and began stirring it together.  After a few seconds the sisters chanted together the following:  

“After a campaign so much contested, where evil shouts and good protested, within the White House it shall keep, a man and woman will lightly sleep.”

After that I walked back to my trailer racking my brain to decipher the Gorgons prediction.  Then, it came to me. Finally, I had my answer.  I can now say with complete certainty that the presidential   candidate who wins will share the White House with their spouse.  Those weird sisters are pretty amazing.   No wonder I lose so much psychic prediction business to them.  I just wonder who got one-eyed Willie's eye in their bowl of chili?  Of course, maybe no one got One-eyed Willie's eye.  But, does that mean we are all in the jackpot?                                                  


Thursday, September 1, 2016

THE TROLLS OF MADAM MERKEL

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Assistant Contributer
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Hey loyal fans and those who linked to this blog my mistake, I am Madam Merkel, Northern Michigan’s trusted trailer park psychic and polisher of petoskey stones.

I am ready to give you my predictions for this month.  First of all, I predict that this next month will be hot for this time of year.  So, you may want to keep a stash of ice on hand. You see because school is starting right about now all those home schooled kids will be firing up their computers to play power hungry video games all day which will drain the power grid and cause it to crash several times. And, on these really hot days the home schooled kids will be demanding some ice cold fruit flavored drinks to drink while they wait for the grid to power up again.   Hence, and I love using the word “hence”, you’ll need a stash of ice to cool off the kids’ drinks and for the ice pack you'll need for your parenting related headache.

You know kids today are so lucky that they can stay home and play video games.  They can even learn a trade from their parents.  Most of the people in my trailer park are chemists and it’s nice their children can be home to learn that trade and take part in the family business. That is if the parents can pry their kids away from gaming.

Now, back when I was young I had to go to school all day.  It was so boring.  There was always someone there asking questions and telling us kids we had to read something or do some math problems.  And math, whoever uses it once you’re out of school?  I’ve never done any math for any job I ever had and I certainly don’t need any math to do my psychic predictions.   No calculations needed in my line of work.  I just pull my psychic predictions out of thin air.
 
Now, in addition to my prediction that it is going to be a very warm month I is also predicting that there will be a new amendment to the Michigan State Constitution making it legal to go troll hunting year around without a license.  This amendment is intended to stop the spread of trolls in Michigan.   Michigan trolls are greatly irritating people all over the state with their smug online attacks and their dastardly sneaking around behind closed doors to invade our privacy.  In many instances they will post our privacy online.  Well, shame on those trolls.
  
Personally, I know I’m being plagued by trolls both online and in my trailer.  Not long after I lay down to sleep last night I heard something rustling around in my bedroom.  I turned on the light but, didn’t see any sign of an intruder.  I did notice that something seemed to be making whiny noises under my bed so I reached under it expecting to pull out a cat, rat, bat or some other critter but instead, something bit me.  I think it might have been a troll because so many people are having all sorts of troll problems but, mostly the troll problems occur online and not in their bedrooms.

Of course, there are several types of trolls online including recipe trolls, political trolls and credit card number trolls.  Now, the trolls I just mentioned are pretty irritating but, the worst ones are the grammar and spelling trolls.

Now you may be shocked to find out that I don't have any formal education much.  I know that my lack of education must be a shock because you're probably saying that the way Madam Merkel thinks and writes makes her seem like someone who should be teaching English at the college level.  Well, I am flattered by how you must be thinking  however, I do have a couple of problems with spelling and grammar and those nasty trolls are always pointing out all of my grammar and spelling mistakes.  I think those trolls are just trying to make me feel bad because I didn't graduate from high school but, I did graduate Sigmund Corn Loudie from the school of Hard Knucks.  How many people can say that? 

Anyway, all I can say is watch out trolls.  I’m a mystic not a statistic.  I got friends on the other side and I don’t just mean the ones in jail.  I’m talking about the ones on the other side of the grave; the departed, the deceased, the spirits of the dead.  I might not be able to find your hiding spots but the spirts can.  And, don’t forget, my spirit friends only grow more powerful as Halloween approaches and right now Halloween is just a couple of months away. 

Meantime, I’m going to take a broom handle and start poking away under my bed and I’ll bet you that the troll living under there is going to be pretty sore by time I get through.



Saturday, July 2, 2016

NORTHERN MICHIGAN FOURTH OF JULY WILL BE SPECTACULAR

By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Assistant Associate Contributing Psychic,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, the Fourth of July is coming up this weekend and I predict that it will be spectacular.  The bands, parades, fireworks and airshows will be the best we've ever had up here in Northern Michigan.  And, I also predict that there will be fewer shark attacks and cases of swimmer's itch this year than what we’ve had in recent years. There will still be problems with jitterbugs this year however, I've always found that drinking a couple of glasses of wine usually make those pesky jitterbugs completely go away.  And of course, drinking additional glasses of wine will also make all the nasty spiders stop crawling all over your skin.  So, stock up at your favorite winery in Northern Michigan and you can save a fortune on sprays and repellents.

Overall, the Fourth of July looks fantastic however, later on in July I predict a really serious problem will literally begin eating away at our tourist industry.  You see we have a new problem that I predict will come to light shortly.  I predict that problem will be an infestation of carnivorous sunfish that will begin eating first area beach balls and then as the fish get bigger; these fish will start to consume area swimmers. 

This new species of flesh eating sunfish will be created by area scientist who is at this very moment crossing pumpkin seed sunfish DNA with DNA taken from a moon monster that was captured on the secret Apollo 31 moon mission.  Now, most of you don't know that the Apollo 31 mission took place in December 2015 and the return of Apollo 31 capsule with the captured moon monster was a very popular Christmas special on the "Dark Web."

Well, for now I have to go.  I have to camp outside tonight because I’m fumigating my trailer to get rid of those pesky bedbugs.  It seems that no matter how much wine I drink those dog gone bedbugs just won't go away like the spiders and jitterbugs.

Anyway, have a happy Fourth of July and watch out for those man eating sunfish that are coming later on this month.

MMMMM   

Monday, June 6, 2016

LIFE OF AN AMOEBA

By Mystic Madam Misty Merky Merkel
Assistant Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, I ended up in the weirdest place.  It seems that after trying to determine who would be the next president of the United States I ended up lying on my back on top of my trailer with a chipmunk sitting on my face and looking me in the eye.  Unfortunately, when I stood up I accidentally stepped off the side of my trailer and ended up in another trance after my skull bounced off the side of a rain barrel as I fell to the ground.

I then found myself floating as gooey blob in a small puddle of rain water.  I could not move about or do much of anything but luckily, I was somehow able to see or sense my surroundings.  It would have been lonely in my new form except there was this other gooey blob beside of me who struck up an immediate conversation.

"Hey fellow blob, welcome to the puddle," he said.

"Well, hi," I said, my name is Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel and I am apparently having a psychic happening."

"Well," responded the other blob," I am an amoeba and so are you.  I was just formerly a tree squirrel but, I died and now I'm an amoeba in my current life.  Seems I've been demoted from Squirrel to single cell life-form."
"How'd that happen to you?" I asked.  
                                         
  "Well, back when I was a squirrel I did some stuff.  Stuff, I'm not proud of.   You see there were these chipmunks and I sold them this really rotten incense made up of decomposed acorns and they got sick.  They said that they got really runny noses and terrible headaches from my product.  Then they chased me into the street and a school bus ran over me.  And you know what the worst thing was?" he asked rhetorically.  After the school bus ran over me I heard a kid say 'hey look, the bus ran over a rat.'  Just think, the last thing someone said about me was that I was a rat."

"That's just awful," I said.  I just hit my head so I'm pretty sure I'll be waking up from this anytime."

"I wish I could say the same," the squirrel replied.  "Now that I'm just an amoeba I'll have to go through several life cycles before I get back to being a tree squirrel.  Let's see," wondered the squirrel out loud," I'll have to be a worm, then a frog then, a chipmunk before I get back to my tree squirrel status.  Of course eventually I want to move up to the highest life form."

"You mean you want to be a human," I asked.

"Heck no," replied the amoeba, former tree squirrel.  "I want to be a bear.  Bears eat humans so bears are above humans in the natural order of things."

"I guess from a food chain perspective then I guess a bear is the top creature in this neck of the woods," I observed.

"Of course after I get back to being a squirrel I'll have to go through several more reincarnations before I become a bear.  Let's see, I'll have to be an opossum, a weasel, a beaver, a fox, a coyote then finally, I'll have to be a raccoon.  Raccoons are just about like a bear.  They forage around and eat about everything but they're not big and powerful like a bear.   Of course I don't think I'll like being a beaver after floating around as an amoeba all day."

"It wouldn't be so bad if we had cilia like those amoebas over there," I said, referring to some little bug like creatures moving just to one side of the amoeba, former squirrel and me.

"Oh those guys?" my new companion asked.  "Those guys are really stuck-up.  They think they're something special because they can move around and they become really active if they think you're looking at them just to show off their powers of locomotion.   I hate those guys.  Just wait until I'm a squirrel again then I'm going to pee on them every chance I get."

"What kind of creature is attached to that big snotty nose that's poking down into our little waterhole?" I asked, referring to a black nostril ball that was so close it almost sucked me up from my puddle. 

"It's a dog and he is either going to drink us up or drop a load on us.  I've seen them do this type of thing before.  Of course if he drinks us down we won't stay in him for too long because we'll make him sick to his stomach.  Those other guys can keep their cilia because our type of amoeba is the kind that gets everyone’s attention and we are remembered for a long time.  We might not have any cilia to move around with but, we can make any host we happen to be in move pretty quickly to a place they can unload us along with their bowel and stomach contents."

"Well, here comes a big sloppy pink tongue," I observed, "so I guess this is goodbye."

"It's been really nice chatting with you," my companion amoeba commented.  "I'll try to look you up once I'm back to being a squirrel.  I'll leave a nice fresh acorn in your shoes for your dinner.  Acorns are so delicious and I know how to pick the good ones.  The caps have to be easy to pop off.  That's when they're good and ripe and ready to eat."

"I'll remember that," I said," and I'll look forward to finding an acorn in my shoe."  Then, we were both picked up by the sprawling tongue of a dog with a serious halitosis problem.



Monday, March 7, 2016

MADAM MERKEL HAS 2016 ELECTION VISION

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Yesterday I asked my Petoskey stones "who is going to be the next president of the United States?"  After I asked my stones the question I lit some incense I bought from a local Michigan Incense Dispensary and drank a bottle of wine while I waited for the spirits of the stones to answer my question.  It took about an hour then, suddenly, I fell into a deep trance and had a vision. 

Now, in my vision I pictured a large St Bernard crossing a river called the Rubicon.  And, after the St. Bernard crossed this river he got into an expensive American Motors sports car called a Matador and sped up a very large, steep hill.  About halfway up this hill the St. Bernard put his car on cruise control and then the big old dog started barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump..." until finally, the St. Bernard swerved off the side of the road and went crashing down toward the bottom of the hill and all the while the dog was still barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump...".  


Then, I woke up from my trance and found myself lying on my back on top of my trailer looking up a sky full of stars.  Now, all this would have been strange enough except that this little chipmunk hopped up on top of my foot and then ran all the way up my body to my nose where he stopped and looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Do you have any more of that incense?  I and my friends have been watching you for the last four hours and we'd kind of like to join your party.  The squirrels offered us some rotten old decomposed acorns to burn for incense but, the acorn incense just gives us headaches and make our noses run."

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

THE CURSED TOBOGGAN

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Psychic/Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

It's a new month and there's lots going on.  There's an election afoot in America and there's going to be a bumper crop of jellybeans up in Canada.  I love jellybeans and it is one of the few crop harvests that I pay attention to.  In addition to the jelly bean crop I am going way, way out on a limb and predicting that 2016 will see a huge growth in sock puppet production.  It's not that the demand for sock puppets is going to increase but instead because shoe prices will climb to record highs people will no longer be able to afford shoes and who needs socks if you don't have any shoes to put them in.  Ergo, all those excess socks will be used to make sock puppets.

For me these last few days have been kind of busy.  Everyone is asking me which types of petunias to plant this spring and which type of manure is best for their primroses.  I even had three brothers ask me if I could help them exorcise their toboggan.  It seems that every time these three brothers, named Grimm, went down a hill on their toboggan their toboggan would crash into a tree.  The brothers told me that even if there were no trees near the path they chose down a hill their toboggan would inevitably veer toward some large tree even if it were several hundred feet away.  

Now, I am not actually known to be much of an exorcist and generally stay away from such requests but, because I knew their family virtually forever I decided I would do the brother's Grimm a real solid and try to exorcise the spirits that were guiding the brother's toboggan into trees or at least try to appease the nature of the spirits so that the brothers could have much safer journeys on their toboggan.

In order to find out why the brother's Grimm were having such a problem with trees I had to ask them a few questions.  The brothers names were Rizzo, Izzy and Pete and their parents, Pete and Leona had been friends of my family gong back decades so, I felt comfortable questioning the boys and they seemed very eager to answer my questions.  Of course, I kind of knew from previous experiences what was wrong with their toboggan but, I thought I needed to ask them a couple of questions just to make sure I was on the right track.

Now boys," I began," I need to know if you had your Toboggan christened before you decided to start riding her?"

"Yes, we did Madam Misty," Pete answered, "We had it christened The 
Deathbed because we all thought that was a real cool name for our toboggan board."

"O.K.," I responded, "Did you happen to christen this vessel with a bottle of champagne as is traditional at such christenings?"

"Well, yes we did," responded Pete again.  He was the elder brother so; I was not surprised that the other two left the responses up to Pete. A lot of siblings get use to deferring the speaker role to the eldest when they are kids and follow through with that arrangement throughout life.

"And, was the bottle unopened and full of champagne when you christened your toboggan?" I asked.      

"I swear to you Madam, the bottle was still corked and we did not drink a single drop of champagne out of that bottle before we broke it across our curvy snowboard," insisted Pete while making a heart crossing gesture with his right hand.   

"Well, that's the problem," I said, "you wasted a perfectly good bottle of Champagne on a hunk of wood and you angered the spirits of alcohol.  You see the spirits of alcohol get very angry whenever alcohol is wasted."

"But, I thought all the great ships that have ever sailed were christened with an alcoholic beverage," Pete rebuffed.

"Yes, but the ships that stayed afloat always had their contents consumed before the bottle was broken across the bow.  Every ship that has ever sunk sank because the simple step of not drinking the alcoholic contents of the bottle before christening was not adhered to.  Many a captain and his crew have wished on the day their ship went down that someone with a thirst had had the forethought to empty the contents of the champagne bottle before said contents were wasted in a meaningless bottle breaking ceremony.  

Tisk, tisk, you boys don't know how very angry you have made the alcoholic spirits and what trouble you have brought down upon yourselves because of your ignorance of both tradition and the spirit-gods of alcohol."

The three boys jaws dropped when they finally perceived the seriousness of their situation.  Their eyes stared forward like the eyes of three condemned men, waiting for their sentence to be carried out.  

Then, Pete asked in the meek voice of a capitulating man, "But, what are we to do Madam Merkel?"

I knew it was my duty to these men and to their family that I tell them the truth about what had to happen.  "First of all," I began, "you must quit tobogganing and put your snowboard away forever. Then finally, you must never speak of the sport of tobogganing ever again."

After my suggestions the Grimm brothers looked even more depressed, lowering their gaze directly to the ground in a sign of total capitulation.  Then Pete spoke in the lowest possible audible tone "But, Madam Merkel, we can't give up our toboggan or tobogganing.   You see our father, you knew him David, people all called him Zippy, was a great tobogganer.  He even almost went to the Olympics he was so good.   Well, as you might know he was killed on his toboggan on M-72 when his toboggan swerved suddenly off the toboggan trail.  It was a terrible accident.  He had been drinking at a nearby bar before he hit the toboggan run and wouldn't you know the irony of it all is that our dad slammed directly into an ambulance.  In short, he was killed when he hit an emergency vehicle.  And, before dad's funeral the undertaker upset my mother when he told her that our dad might have still made it if he had been given CPR.  This information crushed my mother because there were three trained medical people on board that ambulance but, they were all men and in those days men didn’t give other men mouth-to-mouth CPR."

"At least men didn’t give other men mouth-to-mouth in the Midwest," I added.  "Well, if you men want to keep tobogganing then at least get yourselves a new toboggan.  Look, this one is obviously cursed so it's going to be hard to shake that curse and make this toboggan safe again."

"But, we have to use this toboggan," Pete insisted, “You see this toboggan has a lot of the original wood in it that was salvaged from our dad's crashed sled.  And, he also told us that the wood he used in his toboggan came from a wooden sarcophagus belonging to an ancient god-king.  You see my dad was stationed with the army in Southeast Asia during the seventies. 

Well, in his free time my dad liked to dress with just a loin cloth and take long walks in the jungle while pretending he was Tarzan.  It was during one of these walks that he came upon this ancient temple that was all covered with plants and snakes.  My dad being an adventurer and wearing nothing but his loin cloth made his way into the temple and found this beautifully carved wooden sarcophagus.  Dad opened the sarcophagus and found this nasty looking dried-up dead guy inside.  Well, dad really liked the wood so he dumped out the dead guy and chopped up the wood enough so he could send it back to Michigan.  Once dad’s tour was up he returned home and proceeded to build the fastest, most beautiful toboggan the world has ever known.  Dad said it took sixteen coats of varnish to get the dead guy smell out of the toboggan but once the smell was covered up, dad said the toboggan was a pleasure to ride. Of course dad’s toboggan was completely destroyed during the accident however, some of the wood we were able to salvage and we used it when we built The Deathbed.”

"You know you boys are completely without luck.  After what you have just told me I have to say that there is no way this story is going to end well for you but,   out of respect for your family I will do my best to advise you on a course of action that might just save both your lives and your tobogganing fun.  

I need the three of you to meet me over on the big tobogganing hill just North of M-72 at midnight tonight and bring along your toboggan and two very expensive bottles of champagne.  Just make sure they're expensive and make sure that they are full."

"We can do this Madam Merkel," Pete assured me in a much more positive tone as he looked up from the ground and into my eyes.  "We all want to thank you for helping us with our terrible problem and we really want to do something to show our gratitude for your help.  Just how can we repay you for helping us?"

"Well," I said, "the first bottle of champagne is for rechristening your toboggan and the second bottle is for me to drink after you've made your run down the hill.  A full bottle of expensive champagne is thanks enough.  I’m also glad that I’m able to help out three old friends of my family."

So, at midnight we all met at the top of the toboggan run just North of M-72.  We rechristened the toboggan the Death Box in honor of their dad who had died within the toboggan and the dead Asian god-king who had probably spent several millennium undisturbed within the wood of the toboggan before being cast out by the father of the brothers Grimm.    I figured that changing the name of the toboggan might just help change its destiny and the destiny of the souls who chose to ride on it.  Maybe a new name would calm the alcoholic spirits who had been so offended at the original christening of the toboggan.  Of course, we also tried to appease these spirits by drinking down the contents of the bottle that was eventually used to break across the bow of the snow vessel.  And of course, because there were two bottles of Campaign I let the brothers drink down the contents of the first bottle while I opened and took large gulps from the second one trying to numb my senses for the horrors which I knew I was about to witness.  

  Finally, it was time.  The brothers Grim took off on their toboggan down the hill heading toward an open field at the bottom maybe a mile or so away.  However, about halfway down the hill, the Deathbed suddenly veered way off toward the right and headed straight into traffic on highway M-72.  The Deathbed crashed ironically, into the side of an ambulance.  The Brother's Grim were lucky that this time the ambulance had three ladies on board who all gladly gave it their all through mouth-to-mouth CPR to revive the brothers (the brothers Grim were all three quite handsome) but, the brothers had sustained very serious injuries and never made it to the hospital.

The memorial service for the Brothers was very moving however, here was a great deal more crying then I am use to at such services.  I never knew the family Grimm to be such weepers. 

I am still quite shaken up over the whole ordeal.  I just wish I would have asked the brothers to bring three bottles of champagne to the toboggan run that night.  I could have used a second bottle after witnessing the carnage on the highway below. 

I'm still keeping track of anything said about the accident in case I might be questioned by the authorities for, according to the latest news release from the local Sheriff’s department the accident is still under investigation with alcohol suspected as a contributing factor in the crash. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

PSYCHIC MERKEL CONSIDERS RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016

NORTHERN MICHIGAN TRAILER PARK PSYCHIC PREDICTS 2016
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Well, it's 2016 and it's time for my predictions.  But, before I give you my predictions I just want to thank all of my loyal followers for their support and I predict, continued support over the coming year.  I would also like to take this time to announce that I am considering a run for President of the United States.  I'm thinking about running as a Republican since the Democrats seem to have their nomination pretty well sewn up while the Republicans seem to have a wide open field and, the Socialists and Communists don't appear to have interesting websites so; I guess that means I have to run as a Republican.   

Now, before I can even declare myself a candidate I have to create an Exploratory Committee to do some exploring.  Luckily, there were three homeless guys camping out at the neighborhood dump and they were willing to join my committee for just a couple of peanut butter sandwiches.  So, I gave them each a couple of peanut butter sandwiches and after they ate them down they asked for some milk to clear their mouths of the sticky peanut butter.  I then had to give each of them a glass of milk before they went off into the woods to do some exploring. 

Anyway, three days later I realized that my Exploratory Committee was not going to return.  I figured they either just took off after I paid them with milk and peanut butter or the bears got them.  I recently heard that a couple of bears from Grand Rapids were living in an old cabin in the woods and since bears are partial to peanut butter and my Exploratory Committee was full of peanut butter, it just be that the bears smelled the peanut butter on the breaths of my committee members, invited my committee back to the bear's cabin and then devoured my committee after plying them with a couple of beers.

In any case, peanut butter and milk are expensive and I'm going to have to get a few donations before I can hire another Exploratory Committee.  I should also go into a trance and contact the spirt world for guidance on my decision to run or not. 

It would be kind of fun to be President.  I'd get to drink lots of wine while traveling the world meeting strange and exotic men (and women) and best of all, I'd get to stay at a motel with a bathroom instead of living out of a car while traveling, with a coffee can in the backseat for a toilet.  I had this friend one time that climbed into the backseat and used a cardboard oatmeal box for a toilet.  That did not work nearly as well as a coffee can.  I was just glad that it was her car. 

Well, getting back to predictions, I predict that prices will fall on most stuff in 2016.  Investments should do well with record highs and bottle returns will be brisk at your local supermarkets. 

The world will warm up by another degree next year and 2016 will be remembered as “The Year of the Termite” because termites will be infesting and destroying all types of wood east of the Mississippi River.  In fact, the fear generated by termites will cause the two top grossing movies of 2016 to be “Killer Termite Zombies” and “Termitenado.”  The movie “Vampire Termites” will do very poorly at the box office and the very worst movie of 2016 will be “Termites in Love.” I guess vampires aren’t as popular as zombies anymore and nobody cares about the watching gross bugs making more gross bugs.  In fact, anyone who wants to go see “Termites in Love” is probably someone that I’d want to stay away from. 

I also predict that someone with an X chromosome will become president of the United States.  I’m not sure if that person will be a human or some other creature or maybe, an alien from another world or someone or something from the distant future or recent past.  There’s a real buzz in the spirit world about the next president being from an alternate universe called Woxfens.  Of course, it’s been my experience as a professional psychic that spirits are often wrong.  I tend to rely on crystal balls and petoskey stones to predict the future and so far both the balls and stones are coming up blank.  I’ve been drinking down bottle after bottle of wine while staring into the crystal balls and Petoskey stones but,  I’ve been unable to go into a trance and see what is going to happen in the November election.  

I guess the election is just too far off for anyone or anything to make an accurate prediction as to how it will turn out and of course, yours truly might even end up getting the title of President of the United States.  I just need to find a donor who is willing to sell a kidney or some other vial organ so that that he or she can finance my election.  I’d donate one of my own kidneys but my doctor told me I’d have to give up drinking wine for a while before they’d let me become a donor.  Well, that’s not going to happen.  I'd have to give up being a psychic if I give up drinking wine.  It's the wine that lets me go into a trance.  Without the wine I'd just sit there looking into my crystal balls and petoskey stones without a single thought going on in my brain. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

PSYMMMMM

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