MADAM MERKEL REMEMBERS CHRISTMAS MORNINGS BEFORE HER DAD RAN OFF WITH AUNT PHYLLIS

by Madam Mystic Misty (Murky) Merkel

Associate Writer

Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, it's December and the holidays are upon us.  My family always celebrated Christmas although we didn't know much about it except kids were supposed to get presents Christmas morning and on Christmas day there was always some sort of Christmas dinner; usually canned ham along with some potatoes and beans. 

Dinner wasn't what the kids looked forward to but instead; it was opening of the presents that Santa had brought us the night before.  Back then I used to get good stuff but, now I just get a lump of coal each year.  I won't go into the reasons I just get a lump of coal but, pretty much everyone I associate with only gets a lump of coal from Santa each year.  It seems that either Santa’s standard for whom gets presents is really high or I and people I associate with have standards that are really low. 

One good thing about just getting a lump of coal in my stocking is that I can just leave my stocking on the outside doorknob because no one is going to bother stealing a lump of coal.  Otherwise, if Santa had to climb down my stovepipe I would have to not start a fire in my wood-stove and that would lead to disaster.  Now, I could probably keep personally warm with just a space heater and some extra blankets but, trying to keep my plastic pipes running to the sink and toilet from freezing and breaking would be quite a trick.  No one living in a trailer in Northern Michigan can go long without their wood-stove unless of course they are rich enough to afford kerosene for a kerosene heater.  

Now, when I was a kid Santa always brought my sisters and me a broken candy cane and a coloring book along with a single box of crayons for all of us.  I asked my dad why the candy canes were always broken and why Santa only brought us a single box of crayons.  My dad replied that because the stovepipe was so narrow that Santa broke the candy canes on the way down.  My dad also said that Santa brought us girls just a single box of crayons because Santa wanted us to learn how to share.  Of course, whatever Santa did was o.k. by us kids and we did learn to share the crayons.  We just broke each crayon into three parts and we each got our own set of crayons that way.               

NORTHERN MICHIGAN FOURTH OF JULY WILL BE SPECTACULAR

By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Assistant Associate Contributing Psychic,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, the Fourth of July is coming up this weekend and I predict that it will be spectacular.  The bands, parades, fireworks and airshows will be the best we've ever had up here in Northern Michigan.  And, I also predict that there will be fewer shark attacks and cases of swimmer's itch this year than what we’ve had in recent years. There will still be problems with jitterbugs this year however, I've always found that drinking a couple of glasses of wine usually make those pesky jitterbugs completely go away.  And of course, drinking additional glasses of wine will also make all the nasty spiders stop crawling all over your skin.  So, stock up at your favorite winery in Northern Michigan and you can save a fortune on sprays and repellents.

Overall, the Fourth of July looks fantastic however, later on in July I predict a really serious problem will literally begin eating away at our tourist industry.  You see we have a new problem that I predict will come to light shortly.  I predict that problem will be an infestation of carnivorous sunfish that will begin eating first area beach balls and then as the fish get bigger; these fish will start to consume area swimmers. 

This new species of flesh eating sunfish will be created by area scientist who is at this very moment crossing pumpkin seed sunfish DNA with DNA taken from a moon monster that was captured on the secret Apollo 31 moon mission.  Now, most of you don't know that the Apollo 31 mission took place in December 2015 and the return of Apollo 31 capsule with the captured moon monster was a very popular Christmas special on the "Dark Web."

Well, for now I have to go.  I have to camp outside tonight because I’m fumigating my trailer to get rid of those pesky bedbugs.  It seems that no matter how much wine I drink those dog gone bedbugs just won't go away like the spiders and jitterbugs.

Anyway, have a happy Fourth of July and watch out for those man eating sunfish that are coming later on this month.

MMMMM   

PSYCHIC MERKEL CONSIDERS RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016

NORTHERN MICHIGAN TRAILER PARK PSYCHIC PREDICTS 2016

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Well, it's 2016 and it's time for my predictions.  But, before I give you my predictions I just want to thank all of my loyal followers for their support and I predict, continued support over the coming year.  I would also like to take this time to announce that I am considering a run for President of the United States.  I'm thinking about running as a Republican since the Democrats seem to have their nomination pretty well sewn up while the Republicans seem to have a wide open field and, the Socialists and Communists don't appear to have interesting websites so; I guess that means I have to run as a Republican.   

Now, before I can even declare myself a candidate I have to create an Exploratory Committee to do some exploring.  Luckily, there were three homeless guys camping out at the neighborhood dump and they were willing to join my committee for just a couple of peanut butter sandwiches.  So, I gave them each a couple of peanut butter sandwiches and after they ate them down they asked for some milk to clear their mouths of the sticky peanut butter.  I then had to give each of them a glass of milk before they went off into the woods to do some exploring. 

Anyway, three days later I realized that my Exploratory Committee was not going to return.  I figured they either just took off after I paid them with milk and peanut butter or the bears got them.  I recently heard that a couple of bears from Grand Rapids were living in an old cabin in the woods and since bears are partial to peanut butter and my Exploratory Committee was full of peanut butter, it just be that the bears smelled the peanut butter on the breaths of my committee members, invited my committee back to the bear's cabin and then devoured my committee after plying them with a couple of beers.

In any case, peanut butter and milk are expensive and I'm going to have to get a few donations before I can hire another Exploratory Committee.  I should also go into a trance and contact the spirt world for guidance on my decision to run or not. 

It would be kind of fun to be President.  I'd get to drink lots of wine while traveling the world meeting strange and exotic men (and women) and best of all, I'd get to stay at a motel with a bathroom instead of living out of a car while traveling, with a coffee can in the backseat for a toilet.  I had this friend one time that climbed into the backseat and used a cardboard oatmeal box for a toilet.  That did not work nearly as well as a coffee can.  I was just glad that it was her car. 

Well, getting back to predictions, I predict that prices will fall on most stuff in 2016.  Investments should do well with record highs and bottle returns will be brisk at your local supermarkets. 

The world will warm up by another degree next year and 2016 will be remembered as “The Year of the Termite” because termites will be infesting and destroying all types of wood east of the Mississippi River.  In fact, the fear generated by termites will cause the two top grossing movies of 2016 to be “Killer Termite Zombies” and “Termitenado.”  The movie “Vampire Termites” will do very poorly at the box office and the very worst movie of 2016 will be “Termites in Love.” I guess vampires aren’t as popular as zombies anymore and nobody cares about the watching gross bugs making more gross bugs.  In fact, anyone who wants to go see “Termites in Love” is probably someone that I’d want to stay away from. 

I also predict that someone with an X chromosome will become president of the United States.  I’m not sure if that person will be a human or some other creature or maybe, an alien from another world or someone or something from the distant future or recent past.  There’s a real buzz in the spirit world about the next president being from an alternate universe called Woxfens.  Of course, it’s been my experience as a professional psychic that spirits are often wrong.  I tend to rely on crystal balls and petoskey stones to predict the future and so far both the balls and stones are coming up blank.  I’ve been drinking down bottle after bottle of wine while staring into the crystal balls and Petoskey stones but,  I’ve been unable to go into a trance and see what is going to happen in the November election.  

I guess the election is just too far off for anyone or anything to make an accurate prediction as to how it will turn out and of course, yours truly might even end up getting the title of President of the United States.  I just need to find a donor who is willing to sell a kidney or some other vial organ so that that he or she can finance my election.  I’d donate one of my own kidneys but my doctor told me I’d have to give up drinking wine for a while before they’d let me become a donor.  Well, that’s not going to happen.  I'd have to give up being a psychic if I give up drinking wine.  It's the wine that lets me go into a trance.  Without the wine I'd just sit there looking into my crystal balls and petoskey stones without a single thought going on in my brain. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

PSYMMMMM