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Tuesday, September 22, 2009


By Madam Misty Merkel

October will be a month of full moons and witch’s festivals. I also have to find some new car insurance. My insurance agent predicted it would be a lot higher this time because I lost my place downtown to a foreclosure. I also have to pay more because of my psychic powers. It seems the insurance company believes I might trance out while driving. I told them I usually only trance out when I’ve been sipping apricot brandy all day. Well, they cancelled my insurance and said I was high risk in too many ways. It’s funny but, my last boyfriend said the same thing to me.

Since October is a busy month with witches and goblins and such, I got out my Petoskey stones and looked into their eyes. What I saw was not good. It was not good at all. It seems that sometime in October a new menace will be coming to Northern Michigan. It will be an ancient evil; one that has laid low for hundreds of years. At first, all I could see was a bunch of furry things flying through the air. I thought they looked kind of squirrelly and then I realized they were squirrels. They were flying squirrels. But, what could make these flying nutcrackers so evil. Then, I noticed that they were not breathing. Their eyes were cold and unblinking. These squirrels were dead. They were the flying dead. They were zombie flying squirrels. Then these zombie flying squirrels started landing on the heads of all the creatures in the forest and eating brains. These were brain eating zombie flying squirrels. Then the brandy kicked in and I fully tranced out. I don’t remember anything after that.

My advice to anyone going outdoors in October is to wear a hat. And, if it feels like you have a squirrel on your head eating into your brains make sure you shoo him off before he eats something you may need.

Personally, this brain eating zombie squirrel thing is a bit much for me to handle. I already have a female vampire hanging out around here. I’ve been placing cloves of garlic all over the place and even have a necklace of garlic bulbs hanging around my neck. I am wondering though; if garlic keeps vampires away will it keep the dead squirrels away?

I’ve decided to try to keep the zombie rodents away by using garlic flavored nuts. I’ve seen them in the store but, I’m just going to pick up some old nuts that I have lying around the trailer. I’ll then have to flavor the nuts. First, I’ll heat up some oil in a sauce pan then; I’ll stir in the garlic and then add some nuts. When the zombie squirrel smells the garlic nuts, the stench should scare the spook right out of him and into the after life. That bloodsucker chick won’t like the smell of the garlic either. I’ll kill two birds with one stone or, should I say nut.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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HNS Senior Executive Editor-In-Chief

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