By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Humor New Nuts Associate Contributor
You know that I have been trying to be nice but I have a problem.
I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem. But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.
Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course, to such critics I have to say that I am only predjudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.
Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes or, at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like a vampire or werewolf bite changes you into the creature that bites you, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, belive me boys and girls, being a gnome is not what you want to aspire to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostricised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostricised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.
The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will litterally give you rabbies (some say kooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth while standing over the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a busperson use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my exhusband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.
I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.
OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY - As they gaze out their outhouse portal, Many people dream of being immortal, But, a firm rap on the door, And, you wish you could stay more, And, knowing you...
18 hours ago