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Friday, July 12, 2013


By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Humor New Nuts Associate Contributor

You know that I have been trying to be nice but I have a problem. 
I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem. But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.

Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course, to such critics I have to say that I am only predjudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.

Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes or, at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like a vampire or werewolf bite changes you into the creature that bites you, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, belive me boys and girls, being a gnome is not what you want to aspire to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostricised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostricised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.

The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will litterally give you rabbies (some say kooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth while standing over the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a busperson use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my exhusband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.

I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.


Thursday, July 4, 2013


By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Northern Michigan's Premiere Trailer Park Psychic

Well, another month has passed us by and now it's time for the Fourth of July. Pretty neat rhyme, right? Of course the 4th is going to be really spectacular this year. I went to the National Cherry Festival in Traverse City yesterday and sensed the presence of a lot of spirits. Most of them were hanging around the brew pubs so that's where I spent most of my day.

Getting back to my 4th of July predictions; the weather should be pretty nice. It might be a bit cloudy for the first part of the day but it should gradually clear up. At least that's what they said on the weather channel (sometimes I need a little help predicting the weather). The rest of the month should be fine. Of course I don't really care because I live in a trailer park and stay inside most of the time anyway. My neighbor has a goat and the goat keeps my lawn trimmed for free. Can't have any flowers though. I tried planting plastic whirligig yellow daisies and the goat chowed them down. Then, the goat had crude oil running out his behind for the next week. I'm not sure what happened to the metal rods that the daisies sat on. I know he ate them too.

Anyway, all this talk lately about running people down because you see them as different from yourself got me thinking. You see, for the last few months I've been saying terrible things about one group in particular and maybe well, I think I should be sorry for what I've been saying. I mean this particular group lives in my neighborhood and I see them and their children and old folks every time I look out the window. I know I should feel really bad about my descriptions of these creatures but, somehow I just can't bring myself around to feel that way. I am of course talking about gnomes, in particular garden gnomes. They're everywhere. They're all over peoples yards. Their in their gardens and I even see them in malls and stores often times sitting on the shelves just like they own the darn store. You know I think it takes a lot of guts to climb up on store shelves and harass customers as they walk by.

In general, my problem with gnomes is that they bite and, it really hurts when they bite. I know I seem prejudicial toward the little devils but, I have a hard time accepting them in my neighborhood. However, I am willing to try to change. I'm thinking about approaching the little critters this week and trying to talk to them. Maybe, direct communication is the way to get by our obvious cultural and physical differences. Of course the biting is another matter. Maybe I should try tossing some raw hamburger to them before I attempt to make friends. After all, that worked with my neighbor's dobermans. Now when they see me they wag their tails. Before that they barred their teeth. Of course I soaked the hamburger in vodka before I threw it to them. I would have soaked the hamburger in beer but I remembered my ex-husband use to get really mean whenever he drank beer so, I thought better of it.

I think I'll wear some boots because gnomes like to bite around the ankles. If they bite my boots it would be quaint, not painful. I just hope I don't get rabies if they break the skin. I had rabies back in high school when I got that hickey from my swimming coach. I didn't expect to get rabies or, the hickey for that matter. Believe me, the feelings were what you'd call unrequited. I expected a hug when I finished at that swim meet but, I dint think I'd get a bite on the neck too.  I

Anyway, wish me well with the gnomes and have a Happy Forth of July!

psychic mmmm              

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

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