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Thursday, April 21, 2011

GEORGE WASHINGTON INTERVIEW WITH MADAM MISTY MERKEL

UNPUBLISHED
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Today I had an unexpected visitor from the other side show up at my trailer door. About 3:00p.m. I heard a heavy knocking on my door. I immediately put my cloths on and went to the door. When I got to the door I opened it and in walked this tall fellow wearing a white wig and dressed up like one of those soldiers from a long time ago. I then noticed it was George Washington (he looks just like the bust of him on the quarter).

Luckily, I had just done a little tidying up around my kitchenette and washed down my dinner table. Unfortunately, the chairs were still a bit sticky from the party I had last Saturday. A lot of beer, pop and, liqueur got spilled all over. I do use hanging car air fresheners to cover up the beer garden smell in my trailer. I have a whole box of car fresheners and since the State of Michigan took away my drivers license I figure I might as well put the air fresheners to use by hanging them all over the place. Not only do they smell nice but, they decorate the place up a lot. They add a bit of ambiance to the house and fit in well with my collections of empty schnapps and brandy bottles.

Anyway, I invited George in to sit at my dinner table. George came in and sat down. So what can I help you with today Mr. President Washington?” I asked.

“Well, Madam Misty it is well known in the afterlife that you are a really great clairvoyant. You have remarkable abilities to talk to the deceased.”

“Thanks for the compliment about my abilities,” I remarked, “but, I’m not so sure about being a clairvoyant. Marty Watchman down the street likes to peep into peoples bedroom windows late at night to see what’s going on inside. He did 90 days in jail just last summer for being a habitual voyant.”

“I believe the word is voyeur,” George explained to me. “I assure you Madam Misty that I did not intend to besmirch your reputation in any possible way.”

“Well, you might as well smirch away at me,” I responded, “because I’m sure most of my neighbors smirch a lot behind my back. I think they are all jealous of my powers. Anyway George, what is on your mind?”

George gave me this real serious look and then began speaking. “I am very upset that so many people think that I have a set of wooden teeth. I never had a set of wooden teeth. Instead, I have a wooden hip replacement that I received when I was sixty-five and fell off my horse. It was wooden because plastic had not been invented yet and a steel hip would have been just too cold in the winter. I have of course come to you to see if you will correct this foul history which implies that I had poor dental hygiene.”

“I will surely do that for you Mr. President,” I said. “Could you maybe answer a few questions for me so that I can write a blog for the place I work? I’ve been kind of lazy lately and I might get canned if I don’t write something interesting pretty soon.”

“I will do my best to help you stay at your employment madam,” George replied.

I first asked George WAshinton if he was a member or the Republican or Democrat party.

He replied,"I don't really believe in political parties. Instead, I believe in pajama parties. Pajama parties are less formal and an overall much more fun group of people attend pajama parties than show up at political events."

I then decided to ask our first president a very timely and pointed question. "What do you think about the tea party?" I asked.

"Oh yes I remember the tea party," George WAshington began,"I beleive that was an insurance stunt to collect on tea dumped in Boston Harbor. You see the guy that owned the tea could not sell it so he hired a bunch of guys to dress up like indians aand dump it off the ship. Well, Franklin and some of the others put a spin on it like it was some revolutionary act. In truth, real Americans don't even drink tea. They drink coffee. Throwing tea overboard a ship was really funny. If they had thrown coffee off the ship they might have been lynched on the spot. Afterall, tea is what the British drink while they are talking with that funny accent". They also have that little pinky sticking out at the side think going. No I think coffee has always been the drink d'jour in America.

In fact, I believe that it was a little drink known as Irish Coffee that enabled us to kick some serious British behind. A little Irish Whiskey poored into American ground coffee made for a really potent drink. You have to remember that most of us were barefoot and poorly dressed for the winter. But, after a few sips of Irish Coffee we din't feel the cold anymore so we just swarmed right over the British who were all huddled together drinking their tea with their little pinkies sticking out from their cups. Of course we officers each had a shot of Russian vodka in our coffee every morning. That really got us going. When you drink a Russian coffee in the morning your day goes by really fast and the world is a nice place to be, even if you have to have your toes cut off because of frost bite."

George WAshington then got up and left my humble trailer. I suppose he had to get home to dinner or his wife Martha might have been upset. I'm glad he showed up. He was a really nice and honest man. It's too bad he's take and also dead. He is just like all the other good guys that this girl wants to meet.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

GEORGE WASHINGTON INTERVIEW WITH MADAM MISTY MERKEL

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Today I had an unexpected visitor from the other side show up at my trailer door. About 3:00p.m. I heard a heavy knocking on my door. I immediately put my cloths on and went to the door. When I got to the door I opened it and in walked this tall fellow wearing a white wig and dressed up like one of those soldiers from a long time ago. I then noticed it was George Washington (he looks just like the bust of him on the quarter).

Luckily, I had just done a little tidying up around my kitchenette and washed down my dinner table. Unfortunately, the chairs were still a bit sticky from the party I had last Saturday. A lot of beer, pop and, liqueur got spilled all over. I do use hanging car air fresheners to cover up the beer garden smell in my trailer. I have a whole box of car fresheners and since the State of Michigan took away my drivers license I figure I might as well put the air fresheners to use by hanging them all over the place. Not only do they smell nice but, they decorate the place up a lot. They add a bit of ambiance to the house and fit in well with my collections of empty schnapps and brandy bottles.

Anyway, I invited George in to sit at my dinner table. George came in and sat down. So what can I help you with today Mr. President Washington?” I asked.

“Well, Madam Misty it is well known in the afterlife that you are a really great clairvoyant. You have remarkable abilities to talk to the deceased.”

“Thanks for the compliment about my abilities,” I remarked, “but, I’m not so sure about being a clairvoyant. Marty Watchman down the street likes to peep into peoples bedroom windows late at night to see what’s going on inside. He did 90 days in jail just last summer for being a habitual voyant.”

“I believe the word is voyeur,” George explained to me. “I assure you Madam Misty that I did not intend to besmirch your reputation in any possible way.”

“Well, you might as well smirch away at me,” I responded, “because I’m sure most of my neighbors smirch a lot behind my back. I think they are all jealous of my powers. Anyway George, what is on your mind?”

George gave me this real serious look and then began speaking. “I am very upset that so many people think that I have a set of wooden teeth. I never had a set of wooden teeth. Instead, I have a wooden hip replacement that I received when I was sixty-five and fell off my horse. It was wooden because plastic had not been invented yet and a steel hip would have been just too cold in the winter. I have of course come to you to see if you will correct this foul history which implies that I had poor dental hygiene.”

“I will surely do that for you Mr. President,” I said. “Could you maybe answer a few questions for me so that I can write a blog for the place I work? I’ve been kind of lazy lately and I might get canned if I don’t write something interesting pretty soon.”

“I will do my best to help you stay at your employment madam,” George replied.

I began with my questioning by asking “Mr. Washington, “if you were alive today would you be a democrat or republican?”

“I would be neither a republican nor a democrat madam. You see I believe in doing what is right and not following some stupid dogma. Furthermore, I would never be a member of the Tea Party. You see us real Americans drink coffee not tea. Tea is what the English drink and well; compared to the American backwoodsman tea drinking Englishmen are politely called sissy girls.

As far as the Boston Tea Party is concerned, I think that was mostly a stunt pulled to defraud some insurance companies. Real Americans drink coffee not tea so some tea importers who could not sell their tea here hired some guys to attack their tea ships so that the guys owning the unwanted tea could collect from the insurers. These kinds of rackets are still common in New York and Boston today.

I have to pause here to salute the contribution of the most evil minority of creatures God ever invented. For it were these very souls that saved our country from the tea drinking pansies in England and the tea drinking fags in America. You see in America we always liked to go out and have a good night drinking beer. Well, when the Irish came over they brought with them the recipe to make whiskey. Up until the Irish came to America we Americans drank beer all night all day and night and then drank coffee in the morning to get us going. Of course each day the coffee got us going but, we still had a hangover from the beer that made working all the next day extremely miserable.

I did not understand much of what George Washington was ranting about so I thought I would bring him more into the thinking us modern Americans and less about his revolutionary zest. But, he went on to tell me why America won the Revolutionary War.

You see,” He said, “the reason we won the revolutionary war was because of the Irish. You see while we real Americans were drinking coffee the sissy boys on the other side were all concerned about drinking tea. Even though the sissy boys were all wrapped up in heavy winter clothing they were still freezing as they drank their sissy assed tea. On the other hand, we Americans who had rags to wear and were barefooted were slugging down coffee and each slug of coffee contained a forefinger of Irish whiskey. So the freezing well clothed tea partying Englishmen were overrun by half naked Irish coffee Americans just goes to show you the power of what is right over what is popular.”

I thanked George Washington for his appearance. However, I am a bit perplexed about what he was saying. I just wish well spook would leave me alone. That way I don’t have to pay the consequences of a spook story gone wrong.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

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