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Thursday, April 21, 2011

GEORGE WASHINGTON INTERVIEW WITH MADAM MISTY MERKEL

UNPUBLISHED
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Today I had an unexpected visitor from the other side show up at my trailer door. About 3:00p.m. I heard a heavy knocking on my door. I immediately put my cloths on and went to the door. When I got to the door I opened it and in walked this tall fellow wearing a white wig and dressed up like one of those soldiers from a long time ago. I then noticed it was George Washington (he looks just like the bust of him on the quarter).

Luckily, I had just done a little tidying up around my kitchenette and washed down my dinner table. Unfortunately, the chairs were still a bit sticky from the party I had last Saturday. A lot of beer, pop and, liqueur got spilled all over. I do use hanging car air fresheners to cover up the beer garden smell in my trailer. I have a whole box of car fresheners and since the State of Michigan took away my drivers license I figure I might as well put the air fresheners to use by hanging them all over the place. Not only do they smell nice but, they decorate the place up a lot. They add a bit of ambiance to the house and fit in well with my collections of empty schnapps and brandy bottles.

Anyway, I invited George in to sit at my dinner table. George came in and sat down. So what can I help you with today Mr. President Washington?” I asked.

“Well, Madam Misty it is well known in the afterlife that you are a really great clairvoyant. You have remarkable abilities to talk to the deceased.”

“Thanks for the compliment about my abilities,” I remarked, “but, I’m not so sure about being a clairvoyant. Marty Watchman down the street likes to peep into peoples bedroom windows late at night to see what’s going on inside. He did 90 days in jail just last summer for being a habitual voyant.”

“I believe the word is voyeur,” George explained to me. “I assure you Madam Misty that I did not intend to besmirch your reputation in any possible way.”

“Well, you might as well smirch away at me,” I responded, “because I’m sure most of my neighbors smirch a lot behind my back. I think they are all jealous of my powers. Anyway George, what is on your mind?”

George gave me this real serious look and then began speaking. “I am very upset that so many people think that I have a set of wooden teeth. I never had a set of wooden teeth. Instead, I have a wooden hip replacement that I received when I was sixty-five and fell off my horse. It was wooden because plastic had not been invented yet and a steel hip would have been just too cold in the winter. I have of course come to you to see if you will correct this foul history which implies that I had poor dental hygiene.”

“I will surely do that for you Mr. President,” I said. “Could you maybe answer a few questions for me so that I can write a blog for the place I work? I’ve been kind of lazy lately and I might get canned if I don’t write something interesting pretty soon.”

“I will do my best to help you stay at your employment madam,” George replied.

I first asked George WAshinton if he was a member or the Republican or Democrat party.

He replied,"I don't really believe in political parties. Instead, I believe in pajama parties. Pajama parties are less formal and an overall much more fun group of people attend pajama parties than show up at political events."

I then decided to ask our first president a very timely and pointed question. "What do you think about the tea party?" I asked.

"Oh yes I remember the tea party," George WAshington began,"I beleive that was an insurance stunt to collect on tea dumped in Boston Harbor. You see the guy that owned the tea could not sell it so he hired a bunch of guys to dress up like indians aand dump it off the ship. Well, Franklin and some of the others put a spin on it like it was some revolutionary act. In truth, real Americans don't even drink tea. They drink coffee. Throwing tea overboard a ship was really funny. If they had thrown coffee off the ship they might have been lynched on the spot. Afterall, tea is what the British drink while they are talking with that funny accent". They also have that little pinky sticking out at the side think going. No I think coffee has always been the drink d'jour in America.

In fact, I believe that it was a little drink known as Irish Coffee that enabled us to kick some serious British behind. A little Irish Whiskey poored into American ground coffee made for a really potent drink. You have to remember that most of us were barefoot and poorly dressed for the winter. But, after a few sips of Irish Coffee we din't feel the cold anymore so we just swarmed right over the British who were all huddled together drinking their tea with their little pinkies sticking out from their cups. Of course we officers each had a shot of Russian vodka in our coffee every morning. That really got us going. When you drink a Russian coffee in the morning your day goes by really fast and the world is a nice place to be, even if you have to have your toes cut off because of frost bite."

George WAshington then got up and left my humble trailer. I suppose he had to get home to dinner or his wife Martha might have been upset. I'm glad he showed up. He was a really nice and honest man. It's too bad he's take and also dead. He is just like all the other good guys that this girl wants to meet.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

GEORGE WASHINGTON INTERVIEW WITH MADAM MISTY MERKEL

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Today I had an unexpected visitor from the other side show up at my trailer door. About 3:00p.m. I heard a heavy knocking on my door. I immediately put my cloths on and went to the door. When I got to the door I opened it and in walked this tall fellow wearing a white wig and dressed up like one of those soldiers from a long time ago. I then noticed it was George Washington (he looks just like the bust of him on the quarter).

Luckily, I had just done a little tidying up around my kitchenette and washed down my dinner table. Unfortunately, the chairs were still a bit sticky from the party I had last Saturday. A lot of beer, pop and, liqueur got spilled all over. I do use hanging car air fresheners to cover up the beer garden smell in my trailer. I have a whole box of car fresheners and since the State of Michigan took away my drivers license I figure I might as well put the air fresheners to use by hanging them all over the place. Not only do they smell nice but, they decorate the place up a lot. They add a bit of ambiance to the house and fit in well with my collections of empty schnapps and brandy bottles.

Anyway, I invited George in to sit at my dinner table. George came in and sat down. So what can I help you with today Mr. President Washington?” I asked.

“Well, Madam Misty it is well known in the afterlife that you are a really great clairvoyant. You have remarkable abilities to talk to the deceased.”

“Thanks for the compliment about my abilities,” I remarked, “but, I’m not so sure about being a clairvoyant. Marty Watchman down the street likes to peep into peoples bedroom windows late at night to see what’s going on inside. He did 90 days in jail just last summer for being a habitual voyant.”

“I believe the word is voyeur,” George explained to me. “I assure you Madam Misty that I did not intend to besmirch your reputation in any possible way.”

“Well, you might as well smirch away at me,” I responded, “because I’m sure most of my neighbors smirch a lot behind my back. I think they are all jealous of my powers. Anyway George, what is on your mind?”

George gave me this real serious look and then began speaking. “I am very upset that so many people think that I have a set of wooden teeth. I never had a set of wooden teeth. Instead, I have a wooden hip replacement that I received when I was sixty-five and fell off my horse. It was wooden because plastic had not been invented yet and a steel hip would have been just too cold in the winter. I have of course come to you to see if you will correct this foul history which implies that I had poor dental hygiene.”

“I will surely do that for you Mr. President,” I said. “Could you maybe answer a few questions for me so that I can write a blog for the place I work? I’ve been kind of lazy lately and I might get canned if I don’t write something interesting pretty soon.”

“I will do my best to help you stay at your employment madam,” George replied.

I began with my questioning by asking “Mr. Washington, “if you were alive today would you be a democrat or republican?”

“I would be neither a republican nor a democrat madam. You see I believe in doing what is right and not following some stupid dogma. Furthermore, I would never be a member of the Tea Party. You see us real Americans drink coffee not tea. Tea is what the English drink and well; compared to the American backwoodsman tea drinking Englishmen are politely called sissy girls.

As far as the Boston Tea Party is concerned, I think that was mostly a stunt pulled to defraud some insurance companies. Real Americans drink coffee not tea so some tea importers who could not sell their tea here hired some guys to attack their tea ships so that the guys owning the unwanted tea could collect from the insurers. These kinds of rackets are still common in New York and Boston today.

I have to pause here to salute the contribution of the most evil minority of creatures God ever invented. For it were these very souls that saved our country from the tea drinking pansies in England and the tea drinking fags in America. You see in America we always liked to go out and have a good night drinking beer. Well, when the Irish came over they brought with them the recipe to make whiskey. Up until the Irish came to America we Americans drank beer all night all day and night and then drank coffee in the morning to get us going. Of course each day the coffee got us going but, we still had a hangover from the beer that made working all the next day extremely miserable.

I did not understand much of what George Washington was ranting about so I thought I would bring him more into the thinking us modern Americans and less about his revolutionary zest. But, he went on to tell me why America won the Revolutionary War.

You see,” He said, “the reason we won the revolutionary war was because of the Irish. You see while we real Americans were drinking coffee the sissy boys on the other side were all concerned about drinking tea. Even though the sissy boys were all wrapped up in heavy winter clothing they were still freezing as they drank their sissy assed tea. On the other hand, we Americans who had rags to wear and were barefooted were slugging down coffee and each slug of coffee contained a forefinger of Irish whiskey. So the freezing well clothed tea partying Englishmen were overrun by half naked Irish coffee Americans just goes to show you the power of what is right over what is popular.”

I thanked George Washington for his appearance. However, I am a bit perplexed about what he was saying. I just wish well spook would leave me alone. That way I don’t have to pay the consequences of a spook story gone wrong.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

MISTY MERKEL AND THE WOODSTOVE

PREDICTION: HEATING BILLS SOAR HIGHER IN 2012
By Madam Misty Merkel
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed that a bacterium from outer space comes down to earth on a meteorite. In my dream, after the meteorite crashes, the bacteria immediately go to work devouring all oil and natural gas on earth. Soon, there is nothing left to heat water for baths and showers. The result will be that everyone goes around smelling really stinky. Everyone will loose all their friends. Wives will leave husbands and husbands will leave their wives. Puppies and kitty cats will run away from smelly children. This will surely be one of the 13 great disasters befalling mankind in the year 2012. When people find out how stinky they really are, civilization will crumble. That’s why I’ve decided to get a wood stove to heat my bath water.

I’ve spent the morning calling around trying to find a contractor to install the wood stove I bought at a yard sale down the street. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find any contractor who is willing to install a woodstove in a trailer. They all told me that a woodstove in a trailer would sooner or later result in a fire. I told them that I would be using the woodstove to heat bath water so that there would be several kettles of water sitting on top of it but, they still refused. They told me that I would never be able to get a permit to legally put a wood stove in my trailer. So, I decided to do what you always do when something is illegal, you get a little help from your friends.

I was able to get Ted and Mike Colin from work to come over and help me install my woodstove. Their brother Tim came with them to supervise their work. He evidently heard I was giving out free beers to anyone who came over to help. After Ted and Mike lifted the wood stove into place they proceeded to knock a hole in my wall for the pipe to run through. Luckily they used a hammer and not a maul. The hole was a little uneven but, they said they’d just buy a few jars of imported baby food so they could fill in around the stove pipe with drywall.

Once the stove was set up it looked pretty good. It had a little rust on top where the pipe was at but, luckily I still had some black tar left over from when I patched the roof last spring and the tar covered up the rust really well. The tar was a little runny but, I figured it would dry once the fire was getting really hot. Everything was working out well until Tim went and asks me where the firewood was at so we could try the sucker out. He asked me if I had a woodlot somewhere. I replied that the only woodlot I owned was a dwarf arborvitae in my front yard. It wasn’t really a dwarf arborvitae it is just that my dog has lifted his leg on it so many times that the dog gone thing is stunted.

Luckily Tim pointed out that the chairs under my kitchen table were made out of fiberboard and would make excellent fuel for the fire. Finally, the woodstove was packed with wood and paper (along with some plastic wrap from the garbage). I did the honors of liteing the first match and the woodstove was off and burning. We closed the door so it would heat up inside. There was quite a bit of smoke leaking from the pipe where it connected to the stove. Tim said that I should just buy some black caulk and fill in any leaky spots. Suddenly, the tar on top of the stove started to bubble and boil. Worse than that, it started smoking and giving all a real nasty smell which made everyone really dizzy. Then, the top of the woodstove and the wall behind it burst into flames. Luckily, I had several gallons of water on top of the stove which put out the fires.

Although the trailer was saved, the noxious fumes made us all go outside and pass out. The only one that had to go to the hospital to be resuscitated was Mike. You can tell he is the baby brother in that family since the other two didn’t seem to mind passing out. I know both of them are used to passing out while walking home from the night clubs. Passing out on someone’s lawn downtown is alright as long as you have not urinated on it first.

Later that day the doctors told Tim and Ted that their brother Mike had probably suffered irreversible brain damage. Tim told the doctors that Mike had brain damage but, it was from all the radioactive fish that their dad use to catch in the cooling pond located just outside a nuclear reactor. The fish there weighed up nicely but, that was because of all the extra tissue in the tumors.

It will be a while before I try my woodstove out again. I really don’t need to use it now and 2012 is a ways away. By then I should have all the kinks and problems worked out. Just in case the woodstove does not work out as a means of heating up bath water, I will be stocking up on extra perfume for 2012.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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