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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

THE LEPRECHAUN IN THE TRAILER PARK

By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
I believe I have a leprechaun that lives down the street from me. His name is Mr. Mackey. He claims to just be a janitor at the hospital but, I have caught him doing things that are very leprechaunish. After watching him for several months I have concluded that Mr. Mackey has strange habits which mean he must be something other than a normal person.

One thing about Mr. Mackey is that he is a hermit. He just sits around his trailer drinking beer. He has a big beer belly and must weigh at least 300 lbs. He certainly does not fit the description of any of the other men living in this trailer park. Most of the men have beer bellies but, they don’t waste their money on food so, except for their bellies they stay really skinny I once asked him what he liked to eat and he replied that his favorite meal was corn beef and cabbage. Well, that stuff is just typical leprechaun food. I figured that with his meal of corn beef and cabbage he most likely had a salad dish of four leaf clovers.

Mr. Mackey is also only about five feet tall. Everyone knows leprechauns are really short. In addition to being abnormally short, Mr. Mackey always wears a green pair of dress pants and a green shirt with black horizontal and vertical stripes on it. He holds his pants up with a pair of green suspenders. I watch my neighbors all the time and I’ve never seen Mr. Mackay wear anything else but, his leprechaun uniform.

One time Mr. Mackay had been drinking beer outside all one Saturday afternoon. When it got dark out he got out a cassette tape player and started playing Irish gig music. He then did a river dance right in front of me. His head of red hair and long red beard were just a flopping around. He seemed to come by the dance quite naturally. As big as he was he was a very graceful dancer. I almost asked him over for a cocktail but, I was afraid that when he sat down he might devastate one of my kitchen chairs I didn’t want him to know that I had such cheap chairs. I guess that they are made out of something called “fiberboard”.

Finally, I know that Mr. Mackay must be a leprechaun because all leprechauns have a pot of gold. It took me a while to find his pot of gold but, finally I spied it out at the back end of his trailer. It was disguised as a port-a-potty. I figured that inside of it he must have been keeping his stash of gold. I have been tempted to lift the lid but, I am not quite that nosey. My neighbor Maxine however, is the nosiest person in this whole trailer park. She did sneak to the back of Mr. Mackey’s trailer when he was working. She told me later that the pot was full but, not with gold. She never did tell me exactly what she saw in Mr. Mackey’s port-a-potty.

For now, I and my leprechaun neighbor are just neighbors but, who knows. Maybe we will become friends someday and maybe someday we might be more than friends. Maybe I’ll get better chairs and invite Mr. Mackey over for a corn been and cabbage dinner. Maybe after I’ve filled him up with a big meal he’ll share his pot of gold with me.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

MISTY MERKEL GETS HER PSYCHIC LISCENCE

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mistress Misty Merkel
I am officially a legitimate psychic now. I purchased a license from the State of Michigan.
Evidently they are the people who have the sole power to regulate psychic abilities. Well, now that I’ve paid them off I won’t have to fear for that knock on the door in the middle of the night. If I do get a knock on the door in the middle of the night I’ll know it’s just inebriated neighbors and not the psychic enforcement cops.

I hung my new license up on the living room wall. It has the word “Legitimate” right on it in big, bold letters. Maybe it will help my business out in the long run. Anyway, I’m going to predict that the government will start taxing everything and cut benefits on everything. High taxes and no benefits. I wonder where does all the money go. I’m going to have to get out my crystal balls and look into this mystery. I only hope I can find them. One of them I think is in the coat closet but, I have no idea where the other one rolled off too. Maybe I’ll have to get out my magic Petoskey stones and give them a rub.


ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
By Mike Colin
I’ve been to busy to see any movies. I guess Avatar is still doing pretty good. Unusually the winter is a slow movie season. Mostly just chick flicks and tweeny bopper movies come out this time of the year.

I guess O’Brian is out and Leno is back on The Tonight Show. It seems that people stopped staying up and watching their local news which came on before The Tonight Show. I didn’t think anyone ever watched the local news at night. Don’t most people have some kind of life? If I’m home at night I watch a movie or comedy show or even a cartoon. Sports scores I can get off the internet. In fact any interesting news is on the internet.

I hate to say it but local newscasts are so watered down with mundane stuff. They never tell you about what is really going on in the area. You never hear about alien spaceships, the yeti, big foots, The Frankenmoose, alien abductions, Lizard Boy or, any of the other things that are really important to people.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

Tim Colin
HNS Senior Executive Editor-In-Chief

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