by Mistic Madam Misty Merkel
Resident Psychic Investigator
Humor News Nuts Publications
My February 2014 Predictions
It is the Year Of The Horse and also, the year we celebrate fast food hamburger joints. And no, I am not inferring that fast food hamburgers are made from horse meat but, I am simply predicting that a lot more people this year will come down with a case of the galloping trots after consuming said burgers. You see, the meat used at burger joints has become a bit tainted because of all the hot weather we've had during the Year Of The Dog.
Getting back to my predictions for February, this month is going to be cold in Northern Michigan and the people up here will be starving. Furthermore, because of the increased snowfall this year I predict cannibalism will be on the rise in cities like Gaylord and Petoskey. When it's harder to find roadkill the locals in Northern Michigan start eating tourists then, their neighbors and finally, their next of kin. My advise to people living in or visiting Northern Michigan in February is to stay inside your trailers and nail your windows and doors shut. Remember, there's lots of starving people out there and a family of four will feed another family of four for at least a week (maybe longer if they make sausage out of the innards and bones).
Of course what would Northern Michigan be without a festival to honor our families who have the munchies for human flesh. So, downtown Traverse City is holding its annual "Eat Humans Food Festival" this weekend. At this festival several prominent Northern Michigan families will be sharing their culinary favorite dishes of human deliciousness. Everyone is invited to attend and best of all it's free. Donations are encouraged but, the donation must be at least 18 years old and weigh no less than 200 lbs. According to the locals aged tissues with fatty deposits in human meat make it just melt in your mouth like homespun butter.
My next prediction is one of the hardest I have ever had to make. I had to really go out on a limb to predict the winner of the big Super Bowl game being played this weekend. I do have a prediction but, it was not easy to come by. First of all, I had problems finding my crystal balls. I looked everywhere for them. I looked under my couch, under my pillow, in the back of my closet, under my sink and in my toilet bowl but still, I could not find either one of them. Finally, I remembered that I had loaned them out to my friend Sarah who is working a booth at the Eat Humans Food Festival in downtown Traverse City. Her kidney omelet exhibit is outside this year and Sarah said she needed my crystal balls to hold down the tablecloth she had draped over her plywood exhibit table. I was going to ask for my balls back but, I knew Sarah needed them this weekend and I knew I could get some replacement crystal balls because they were having a clearance sale on crystal balls at Penny's. After taking public transportation to the Penny's store and returning home I set out my crystal balls to try to find out who would win Sunday's big game.
After having a glass of wine I looked into one crystal ball and saw Super Bowl rings on a football team decked out in Denver Broncos Jerseys. Of course because my prediction for the big game is taken to heart by people across my entire trailer park I decided I had better get a second opinion just to be sure. So, I drank another glass of wine and took a look into my other crystal ball. On first inspection this ball seemed to be a little cloudy but I blinked my eyes and the cloudiness was gone. I guess my eyes had gotten teared up because the wine I was drinking had turned out to be wine vinegar so, it had a bit of a kick to it which caused my eyes to get all teary. Anyway, when the haze was gone I distinctly saw a football team wearing Super Bowl rings all decked out in Seattle Seahawk uniforms. I was very confused. I realized that one of my crystal balls had to be defective and it was giving me an incorrect read of the future but, which one.
Because of my conundrum I decided that I should call upon a spirit from the next world to steer me to the correct prediction. So, I called upon my good friend President Nixon to help me out. I ask President Nixon who was going to win the big game on Sunday and he told me he was sure it would be the New York Jets. He said he would never bet against a team that had Joe Nemeth as quarterback. I didn't argue with my president but, it seems he would be attending a game played back in the mid-20th century. I guess I never expected that a spirit could time travel back to whatever Super Bowl game they wanted in order to watch their favorite team and players win.
As I thought about it. this time travel idea started to intrigue me. Since members of the spirit world could transport themselves back to their favorite team's Super Bowl victory I decided that a powerful mystic psychic like myself could find a way back to when my favorite team won the Super Bowl. Being that I am a Michigander my favorite professional football team is of course the Detroit Lions. However, after doing a quick online search I found to my horror that the Detroit Lions have never won the Superbowl. In fact, my favorite team has never even played in a Super Bowl game. But, no matter. On Sunday I am simply going to transport myself into the future where I will find the Lions finally winning a Super Bowl game. I'm really very excited but, I'm going to have to leave right away in order to get that far into the future to watch the opening kickoff. You see, the first Lions win at the Super Bowl is in the year 2,583,213.4. Even with my psychic brain traveling along at nearly light speed I will barely get to that game on time. So, there you have it. I predict that on Sunday, where (when) I am the Detroit Lions will win the Super Bowl.