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Sunday, November 14, 2010

ALIEN BACTERIA WILL DESTROY OIL AND GAS RESERVES WORLDWIDE

MISTY MERKEL AND THE WOODSTOVE
PREDICTION: HEATING BILLS SOAR HIGHER IN 2012
By Madam Misty Merkel
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed that a bacterium from outer space comes down to earth on a meteorite. In my dream, after the meteorite crashes, the bacteria immediately go to work devouring all oil and natural gas on earth. Soon, there is nothing left to heat water for baths and showers. The result will be that everyone goes around smelling really stinky. Everyone will loose all their friends. Wives will leave husbands and husbands will leave their girlfriends. Puppies and kitty cats will run away from smelly children. This will surely be one of the 13 great disasters befalling mankind in the year 2012. When people find out how stinky they really are, civilization will crumble. That’s why I’ve decided to get a wood stove to heat my bath water.

I’ve spent the morning calling around trying to find a contractor to install the wood stove I bought at a yard sale down the street. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find any contractor who is willing to install a woodstove in a trailer. They all told me that a woodstove in a trailer would sooner or later result in a house fire. I told them that I would be using the woodstove to heat bath water so that there would be several kettles of water sitting on top of it but, they still refused. They told me that I would never be able to get a permit to legally put a wood stove in my trailer. So, I decided to do what you always do when something is illegal, you get a little help from your friends.

I was able to get Ted and Mike Colin from work to come over and help me install my woodstove. Their brother Tim came with them to supervise their work. He evidently heard I was giving out free beers to anyone who came over to help. After Ted and Mike lifted the wood stove into place they proceeded to knock a hole in my wall for the pipe to run through. Luckily they used a hammer and not a maul. The hole was a little uneven but, they said they’d just buy a few jars of imported baby food so they could fill in around the stove pipe with drywall. Baby food is known as a cheap sourse of both drywall and mercury.

Once the stove was set up it looked pretty good. It had a little rust on top where the pipe was at but, luckily I still had some black tar left over from when I patched the roof last spring and the tar covered up the rust really well. The tar was a little runny but, I figured it would dry once the fire was getting really hot. Everything was working out well until Tim went and asked me where the firewood was at so we could try the sucker out. He asked me if I had a woodlot somewhere. I replied that the only woodlot I owned was a dwarf arborvitae in my front yard. It wasn’t really a dwarf arborvitae it is just that my dog has lifted his leg on it so many times that the dog gone thing is stunted.

Luckily Tim pointed out that the chairs under my kitchen table were made out of fiberboard and would make excellent fuel for the fire. Finally, the woodstove was packed with wood and paper (along with some plastic wrap from the garbage). I did the honors of lighting the first match and the woodstove was off and burning. We closed the door so it would heat up inside. There was quite a bit of smoke leaking from the pipe where it connected to the stove. Tim said that I should just buy some black caulk and fill in any leaky spots. Suddenly, the tar on top of the stove started to bubble and boil. Worse than that, it started smoking and giving off a real nasty smell which made everyone really dizzy. Then, the top of the woodstove and the wall behind it burst into flames. Luckily, I had several gallons of water on top of the stove which put out the fires.

Although the trailer was saved, the noxious fumes made us all go outside and pass out. The only one that had to go to the hospital to be resuscitated was Mike. You can tell he is the baby brother in that family since the other two didn’t seem to mind passing out. I know both of them are used to passing out while walking home from the night clubs. Passing out on someone’s lawn downtown is alright as long as you have not urinated on it first.

Later that day the doctors told Tim and Ted that their brother Mike had probably suffered irreversible brain damage. Tim told the doctors that Mike had brain damage but, it was from all the radioactive fish they ate when they were kids. It seems that their dad liked to fish at a radiative cooling pond located outside of a nuclear power plant. The fish there weighed up nicely but, that was because of all the extra tissue in the tumors.

It will be a while before I try my woodstove out again. I really don’t need to use it now and 2012 is a ways away. By then I should have all the kinks and problems worked out. Just in case the woodstove does not work out as a means of heating up bath water, I will be stocking up on extra perfume for 2012.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS: FIRST CONTACT

By Madam Misty Merkle
The Trailer Park Psychic

Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called “perverter boxes” but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new airwave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out. No one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth “Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by.” Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were “if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material “made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos”. I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k.

Monday, October 25, 2010

DON’T BE THE VICTIM OF A VAMPIRE

By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
It is easy to become the victim of a vampire. Too many people do not stay alert and vampires are so sneaky. You almost need eyes in the back of your head. You have to be constantly looking around to make sure that there are not any pasty white fanged monsters creeping up on you. Vampires are like credit card companies; once they sink their teeth into you then you are theirs for life.

Watching out for vampires is especially important this time of year. Vampires are just now starting to arrive back in Northern Michigan from their summer homes in Cancun Mexico. Of course after a long flight the vampire is very hungry for the red stuff and I don’t mean wine. Once back here the vampires quickly open up their private clubs where they meet and have a warm mug of blood. The high class vampires mix expensive wines with their blood and usually drink only the blood of rich yuppie Chicago bankers and movie actors.

These guys are easy prey for vampires since they are out on their yachts most of the time which, means that they are stranded out in the middle of Lake Michigan. I can’t imagine the fear someone must have looking at some vampire monster swooping down on your yacht way out in the middle of nowhere. You’d have just a few seconds to decide if you wanted to be bitten by a vampire or take your chances in the water with the sharks. The choice is between being eaten by sharks and dying or, becoming a powerful creature that lives forever and can shape shift into an animal or a really beautiful human being. What a dilemma the rich and famous face every time they spend a night on their luxury yacht.

Luckily, if you are like me and are unemployed and live in a low cost trailer park out in the backwoods then, you won’t have any vampire hunting you down for your vintage name blood. Still, there are always vampires passing over at night and you never know when one of them might drop in for a snack. That is why you need protection.

Many people believe that you can stop a vampire by hanging up a cross in your doorway. This might work if you vampire is a Catholic but, what if your vampire is Jewish or, Hindu or, some other religion or practices no religion at all. You could not hang up enough different religious symbols to keep out all vampires. If I hung up all the different religious symbols in my doorway it would pull this entire trailer down on my head. I honestly don’t know how the laws of gravity seem to be suspended in regards to this trailer. I’m afraid to sneeze in here because the sudden change in air pressure might blow out the walls.

In truth, the only real way to keep away blood suckers is to put lots of garlic all over your home. Vampires don’t like garlic so it might not be a bad idea to eat a few cloves before you go to bed at night. I’m working on getting a patent on anti-vampire toothpaste based on garlic oil. I figure the garlic will keep vampires from biting you and it will also keep away co-workers and nagging family members. If you work in a store the garlic aroma from your breath will definitely keep customers from bugging you. If the toothpaste catches on I intend on patenting a garlic flavored mouthwash too.

Overall, vampires are sneaky beasts and the only way to keep them and other undesirables away is by smelling like garlic. Garlic breath is an easy way to keep the bad guys away and I recommend my soon to be distributed Madam Misty Merkel’s “PASSION GARLIC TOOTHPASTE TM”. I use the word “PASSION’ in the name because “passion” sells. The original name was “STINK BREATH GARLIC TOOTHPASTE” but, “stink breath” was unpopular with test subjects.

Finally, just be careful out there. And, please remember to buy my vampire repelling toothpaste. If I sell enough of it I might be able to move out of this crummy trailer park to the nice park down the road. It has newer doublewides in it. After all, living in a newer doublewide is the American dream of the 21st century.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

DEER HUNTING IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN TO BE A FLOP THIS YEAR

By Madam Misty Merkel
I am afraid I have to predict that the deer hunting season in Northern Michigan is going to be terrible. I consulted by ancient Petoskey stones and they told me that because Canadians keep driving their pet bears down to lower Michigan and releasing them, the deer population will be devastated. All their tame deer in Canada were raised on reindeer. Canada has a huge reindeer population and Canada supplies most of the reindeer for store Santa's in the United States. So, when a tame Canadian bear gets down here the first thing it sniffs for is reindeer venison. Ergo there go the deer.

I guess people in Northern Michigan will have to rely on eating wild pig food this winter. It is either that or we are going to have to get jobs.

Friday, October 15, 2010

THE HAUNTED BOAT IN THE TRAILER PARK

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
PART I
I am drenched. I just got back from a swim in Lake Michigan. Swimming around out in Lake Michigan while holding onto a piece of driftwood to stay afloat while several sharks are circling, is no way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I suppose I am lucky because there were so many lightning strikes all around me that it kept the sharks stirred up too much to make me into a meal. I was so afraid of the lightning being attracted to my metal jewelry that I even tossed my rings that were made out of genuine nuclear charged cadmium imported from a power plant in China. My very special rings glowed all the way down to the bottom of Lake Michigan. I was just lucky the coast guard came along and picked me up or I might have ended up dinner for one of those sharks.

I can’t believe I ended up in the drink today. Yesterday I was looking forward to spending my Saturday taking an adult education class on palm reading at the local community college. The government was paying for it since palm reading is considered “one of those skills needed to revitalize America while changing it into a servant economy“. I guess I got that quote right. I’m trying to remember it from the brochure.

Well, I was just sitting there at my kitchen table contemplating on my palm reading class and having my usual early morning Irish coffee when someone started pounding on my door. When I opened the door I was surprised to see about ten of my neighbors standing there. “We need your help Madam Misty,” one of them called out.

“We have a really bad problem” another voice cried.

“What in the world is wrong?” I asked.

Marcie Wrinklebottom sobbed “It’s my dead husband Frank. He’s come back from the grave. He spent all last night a hollering and screaming on his old boat. Everyone in the trailer park heard him. Didn’t you? ”

Marcie Wrinklebottom lived about four trailers down from me. Next to her trailer was parked a big old wood fishing boat that used to belong to her late husband Frank. Now Frank spent most of his marriage on that boat. He seldom took it out on the Great Lakes but, he spent most of his time drinking beer and smoking in the cuddy cabin while the boat sat beside the trailer. Frank always complained that he had never caught any fish out on Lake Michigan. He said his dream was to come back home with a great big salmon that he had caught on the shoals of Big Manitou Island. I guess that is where old Frank liked to fish. Anyway, the last time Frank went out there was a terrible storm and the boat ended up crashed up on the shoreline with a big hole in its bow. The widow Wrinklebottom had the boat parked beside her trailer. She figured that if Frank ever showed up again he would feel at home seeing his old boat parked in the spot it had sat in for the better part of 20 years.

I knew what these people wanted. They obviously wanted me to use my psychic abilities to contact Frank to see what the old fellow wanted. So, I told them that I would go on board the boat that night and talk to old Frank and see what he wanted so his spirit could move on to great beyond and/or rest in peace or something. The main thing was to just get old Frank out of the trailer park so everyone living here could have a little peace and quiet. My agreeing to contact Frank Wrinklebottom seemed to calm everybody down. I of course got my most powerful spiritual items around to use during the séance. My most powerful physic items are of course my Petoskey stones I also had to a lot to do that day to get ready for the séance. I had to make a trip to the dollar store and buy about a hundred candles. Ghosts seem to be big on mood lightning so naturally you have to have candles.

Unfortunately, the only person I could get to help me with this spiritual conundrum was an associate of mine at the Humor News Nuts organization. His name was Gerrard and boy, is he a real strange guy. He lives in his mother’s basement. He also raises rats down there. He inherited the rat business from his old man when he died. His grandparents were famous for raising worms and bloodsuckers (leeches). In short, Gerrard comes from a family of persons who I consider not quite right in the head. At the last minute, Mrs. Wrinklebottom decided not to attend the séance. She said the whole thing would be just too upsetting for her so she would just stay in her trailer and wait for us to tell her what had gone on.


PART II
Everything was ready for the séance. I had set the candles out around and inside the boat. It took a while to light them all but, Gerrard and I finally got the candles to burn. They were cheap, probably old candles that I picked up at the dollar store. The widow Wrinklebottom only gave me $50.00 for supplies to be used during the séance to contact her late husband Frank. I bought the 2/$1.00 tapered candles but, I couldn’t get them all the same color. Some spooks are particular about having the candles match but, I figured that since Frank considered himself to be some old salty seadog that he wouldn’t be too fussy.

Gerrard set up a card table and a couple of chairs onboard the boat. Gerrard and I sat down in the chairs with the Petoskey stones on the table and candles burning all around us. The candles were not only of several different colors but, had several different scents. I figured it smelled a bit like a funeral home so I hoped a spook like Frank would feel relaxed. His body was never found so maybe he’d figure we were giving him the send off he never got and would just leave everyone in the trailer park alone.

We waited until just after the sun went down then, lo and behold who should appear but, old man Frank Wrinklebottom in person (but, not in the flesh). He was kind of a faded out apparition. After a couple of moments he started to have a little bit of color. At least I could tell what he was wearing. He had a captain’s hat on along with a plaid short-sleeved shirt and white pants. He wore laced up sneakers and white cotton socks. After 20 years I thought his clothes looked pretty clean. For a spook he was also well shaven. A lot of ghosts that live on boats like to look a bit grizzly with regards to facial hair in order to achieve that “come hither” supernatural effect. At least that’s been true since the show “Miami Vice”. Waterfront spooks all think that they’re some sort of Don Johnson.

I was starting to get a bit perturbed because Frank just stood there not saying a thing. After all the work I did setting up the séance and now Frank was going to pull some sort of mute ghost twenty question guessing game on me. Some dead people want you to guess what is bothering them and then they will answer you with a knock or moan or chill or some other stupid answer. I decided to be direct so I asked, “So Frank, now that you’ve got us here what the heck do you want? You‘d better answer me directly with real words and sentences. If you don’t speak plainly then, I‘m going to blow out your candles and then I’m going home. I‘ve had a long day and I‘ve got a class on palm reading to attend tomorrow. I‘ve already paid for the class and I won‘t get reimbursed by the government for job retraining unless I actually attend the full three hours of it.”

The ghost must have been moved by my speech because he said in a very plain voice, “I’ve come back from the grave because I want to go fishing. I need to go fishing on this boat and off the Coast of Big Manitou Island. In short, I need to catch a fish. I also need to do something else but, I forget what it is right now. I just know I’ve got to go fishing and I won’t stop haunting your trailer park until you take me.”

The old ghost of Frank Wrinklebottom seemed to be begging like a little kid. I had no choice but to agree to take him on a fishing trip the next morning. “One more thing,” the ghost said as I was blowing out the candles and getting ready to leave, “make sure my wife Marcie is on the boat with us. I really want her along to watch me catch my first fish.”

PART III
The next day Marcie Wrinklebottom, Gerrard and, I drove up to Northport Harbor. Some guys in the trailer park put boats in and out of the water for a living. They patched the boat and had hauled it up to Northport ahead of us so they could ready it and get it launched. One big problem we had was that the engine on the boat had set up and would not turnover. The boat launch guys said they had a small aluminum boat that they could use to pull the boat out to the Manitou Islands as long as the seas didn’t get too rough.

When we arrived at the harbor we found that our boat was ready and waiting for us. We climbed aboard and the little tin boat started to pull us out of the harbor. We were on our way to Manitou Island. The water was calm that morning so it didn’t take too long before we were far enough out that I decided to wake up our ghost to see if he was ready to go fishing. I and Gerrard went down into the cuddy cabin to summon Frank. Marcie did not want to go down below to see her departed husband. It took the whole neighborhood to persuade her to go on this trip. I wasn’t sure if Marcie was afraid of water or if she really did not want to see her husband Frank. I thought she would like to talk to him after all; she kept his old boat right beside her trailer for twenty years. She wanted to keep an eye on his old tub but, she insisted on staying topside when she finally had a chance to reunite with her old love.

Once down below deck, I lit a candle and Frank immediately appeared. I had Gerrard go up on deck with him. There was a fishing line all set for Frank to use. I only hoped Frank would catch a fish. While Frank and Gerrard were up on deck I decided to nose around in the cuddy cabin. There was something really wrong with this whole operation. Frank and Marcie were both holding back about something and I wondered what it was. I figured the sooner I found out the sooner I could get back to shore and to may class. I still had a few hours before my palm reading class started and I was hopeful that I could still make it.

As I was looking around, Gerrard bounded down the steps into the cabin. When he reached the bottom of the steps he said, “It’s starting to get a bit rough out. It was nice out when we left but I think a storm is starting to form right over head. You know there is something I should tell you about this area.”

“And what is that Gerrard?” I asked.

“Well Madam Misty, we’re in what is known as ‘The Devils Trapezoid‘. This is an area that is outlined by connecting on a map the Little Manitou Island, the Big Manitou Island, the town of Northport and, the town of Benzonia. Thousands of boats, ships and planes have mysteriously sunk to the bottom of Lake Michigan in these waters. There have been a couple of nasty train wrecks on the shoreline as well. A hot air balloon sprung a leak here last summer. I think you get the picture. Now, we are out here on a ghost ship with a ghost and a storm is forming right overhead. I believe we are in trouble.”

I had to agree with Gerrard. Gerrard was a Ghost Scene Investigator so I did have to respect his opinions when it comes to wayward spirits. Gerrard agreed to help me look around the cuddy cabin for some clues. Unfortunately, Gerrard stumbled across a really bad thing. In what looked to be a closet Gerrard came across a full human skeleton dressed just like Frank Wrinklebottom. This particular skeleton was hanging up with a fish fillet knife through the rib cage. It was obvious that Frank hadn’t gone overboard and drowned but, had instead been murdered. The prime suspect for the murder was up on the deck right now. I was wondering how Frank and his wife might be getting along when suddenly, the patch in the hull broke open and the cuddy cabin began to flood.

Gerrard and I ran up to the deck. Lightning was flashing all around us and the boat was being thrown about on waves that seemed to be going in every direction at once. We were in the perfect storm. I looked around but, Frank and Marcie were both gone. Evidently, Frank must have taken Marcie overboard. Now his boat was sinking and the two guys in the dingy were no where to be seen. The next thing I knew I was in the drink. A Piece of a branch floated by so I grabbed it. The boat and Gerrard were now gone. I was all alone in the storm hanging onto a small piece of wood. I was having a really bad day. I knew that I would never make it to my palm reading class. I was so disappointed that I would never get reimbursed from the government for the money I spent on the class.

Finally, a fishing boat pulled me out of the water and took me back to port. Gerrard and the two guys with the dingy were there. They guys said that they didn’t see me out there. They also said that Gerrard was so heavy that after they pulled on board their small boat it was almost under water. They then hurried in before lightning turned their aluminum boat into an aluminum fry pan. It seems the only person that didn’t make it back was Mrs. Wrinklebottom. Her husband had set this whole fishing trip up as just a way to get her out on the water so he could get his revenge.

Unfortunately for me I missed my palm reading class and I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to get a refund for it. I know one thing for sure and that is that I am never going back out on Lake Michigan again. I’m not even going to eat fish anymore. All my cans of tuna are going to go to the neighbor’s cats.


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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

THE STOCK MARKET WILL TAKE A BIG DIP SOON

By Madam Misty Merkel
The authorities came by yesterday and took my little puppy away. They said that it was not safe for my puppy to live in such a dumpy trailer. I was told that sooner or later my trailer was going to burn down especially, because I light candles all over the place. I told the authorities that the reason I light candles is to ward off evil spirits who are intent on doing harm such as, burning down my trailer.

So, now I have to live here all alone unless I can prove that I am fit to keep an animal on my premises. Now I have to eat all this dog food all alone. I bought it up really cheap in bulk at SAVE, SAVE, SAVER STORES located on front street in downtown Traverse City. It is pretty good quality food made from beef, pork, chicken and mechanically cleaned turkey. I like to eat it on crackers but my little doggie just liked to eat it plain with just a little ketchup on it.

I think the authorities are really mad at me because I am predicting a major stock market dip coming real soon. I am predicting this because three old crows recently flew by my window and that is a bad omen for stocks. The three old crows were the Merchinski sisters and they went flying by on their motorbikes to some sort of suede pride parade. I used to like suede when I was a kid but, you’re supposed to outgrow that sort of stuff when you become an adult. Grownups like leather except of course for those that don’t like animal products because they smell like grandma. My grandma liked to get out in the hot sun and pick beans all day. No one knows what happened to my grandma after she died but, at the same time she died my uncle was looking for a covering for an antique chair he had in his basement.

At any rate, when the stock market crashes that should be a really good time to buy up some futures in the Petoskey stone market. Petoskey stone futures are traded on the Chicago Board of Trade under the symbol peestone. Peestones will one day rival gold as the major commodity of exchange in international markets. Peestones are much rarer than gold since you can find gold anywhere in the world but, peestones can only be found in the area that I live in. I’m picking a lot of peestones up right now since I think my predictions might get people to invest.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK PART III OF III

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK
By Madam Misty Merkel
PART III OF III
After Becky agreed to solve the rat problem that she caused in the trailer park, the rats began to slowly disappear. It was not long before the Red Cross closed down its’ emergency tent to treat rabies. People stopped getting bit by rats therefore; there was no longer a need for a walk-in rabies clinic in the middle of the trailer park. Finally, no one in the trailer park reported seeing any rats at all. Even Becky said she no longer had any night visitations by the little red eyed demons. Since Becky still had lots of yummy garbage throughout her trailer the fact that she had no visitations meant that the entire trailer park was clear of any rats. Our trailer park was rat free. The manager put up a sign at the entrance of the park with a picture of a crossed out rat on it along with the words “NO RATS” written in big, bold, black letters. In addition, because the trailer park was rat free the manager raised the lot rent on the trailers by $50.00 per month.

Once the people in the trailer park realized that the rats were gone for good, they started to become very happy and contented. Everything was well in trailer park land. Even the number of people being beaten, shot or, knifed seemed to decrease. When the rats left they took with them a lot of the tension and frustrations that people seem to accumulate when they live in the close quarters of a trailer park. People even started to keep their yards up better. They started to mow their little lawns once in a while. People began to pick up their empty plastic whiskey bottles that they dropped when they passed out on the ground. People even started to greet each other with a “hi” or, “hello” instead of the standard fowl reference to either self-abuse or, going somewhere really bad when you die. These are terms Madam Misty never uses in public.

Things were going really well for people in my trailer park until one day Lonnie Belcher had some hot dogs disappear right off of her picnic table. The next day the little kid that lived across the road from Lonnie had something open up his hamster cage and whatever it was it left just a hamster foot behind. Mrs. Wallace had her cockatiel disappear and then, several dogs and cats went missing. Finally, things came to a head when old man Shorts disappeared leaving just his underwear and a shoe behind. The disappearance of old man Shorts reminded everyone of why you should always put on clean underwear everyday. You never know what might happen. You could be in an accident or something and then you’d be really embarrassed. Of course everyone around here figured that old man Shorts was probably beyond being embarrassed since he was most likely beyond this world altogether just like the hamster, bird, dogs, cats and, the hot dogs. Something in our trailer park was eating our pets and now it was starting to eat us too.

An emergency trailer park association meeting was called. Everyone in the trailer park that was left alive and sober was there. The three of us decided something had to be done. Becky was there and she shared a secret with us. It seems that in order to get rid of the rats, she called her brother who works at NASA. He sent her some special super meat eating snakes that had alien DNA. I don’t know what DNA is but, words that begin with the letter “D” are usually bad like divorce, detention, demons, devils and, downs syndrome.

Anyway, the DNA was supposed to make these snakes into super snakes that grow really fast and eat anything that can be labeled meat. I was ready to smack Becky right in the mouth for bringing these awful snakes into our trailer park but, she offered a solution. It seems her brother at NASA had some pigs that were full of space-alien DNA and that these pigs loved to eat snakes.

After a couple of days two little pigs arrived. They were so cute. The little pigs started right away digging under everyone’s trailer skirting and sucking down those awful snakes like they were sausages. After all the snakes were finally gone the trailer park celebrated with a major party. The two pigs that saved all our lives were honored at a community luau. They looked so dignified with apples in each of their mouths. They tasted great too because they were cooked with a honey-pineapple glaze.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK PART II OF III

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK
By Madam Misty Merkel
PART II OF III
My neighbor Becky was beating on my door at about 7 o’clock in the morning. I quickly poured some Irish into my coffee before I opened the door. I can’t start the day without a wee drop of whiskey. I’m not really Irish but, I love that tradition. “What do you want?” I asked when I flung open the door.

“Madam Misty I have a real problem,” little Becky said while the streamed down her face. She seemed especially small that morning. Of course she was standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to my door. Well, after she explained that she had seen the eyes of some demon in her trailer I agreed to wait with her that night and help her exorcise or exercise or do something with the little red eyed freak. I personally thought maybe Becky had fallen off the wagon again and was drinking that wine that comes in boxes. Some of it has a pretty good kick to it but, it’s not very sweet.

I arrived at Becky’s trailer just before dark. I wanted to make sure we surprised the ghost or demon so we hid in Becky’s bedroom. Becky invited me to sit on the bed but, all the strings of green moldy cheese and dried up pepperoni and tomato sauce on her bed spread made me feel like I needed a bucket throw up in. I could not sit down. Unfortunately, while waiting for the red eyed devil to show up I chance to further look around Becky’s small bedroom. The dresser was covered with the sticky residue of spilled drinks and greasy makeup. The floor had something really sticky on it too because every time I tried to lift my foot I had to fight to keep my shoe on.

As filthy as the place looked inside it smelled much worse. I have never smelled a public toilet that gagged me as much as Becky’s trailer. My uncle’s septic tank smells like a florist shop compared to Becky’s place. Becky certainly lived in one really disgusting dump. At least I knew that if I ever missed getting my garbage out some week I could just take it down to Becky’s place. She already had several sacks piled up in her hallway. I doubt she would notice a couple of more. Although, she might notice that my bags were not leaking a putrefied meat/vegetable sauce all over the floor.

I was beginning to think that maybe Becky should just move out of the trailer and leave it to the red eyed beastie. After all, at least it was cleaning things up a bit. Suddenly, we heard something scurrying around out in the main room. As we intently listened with out ears against the bedroom door, we heard what amounted to an army of little feet running all over the floor; each foot as it was raised made a sound like it was sticking to the linoleum floor.

I motioned to Becky to grab something. For some reason she had a corn broom in her bedroom. It was brand new and had never been used. I had a flashlight with me and I told Becky that on the count of three we would throw open the bedroom door and shine a light on whatever was out there. Becky was a little apprehensive about opening the door but, I reminded her that she had a long broom to defend herself and besides, if anything rushed at us I would slam the door shut.

Finally, Becky took a deep breath and nodded her head to me which I took to mean she was ready. I whispered to her that “On the count of three I’m opening the door. One, two, and three…” I flung open the door and drew my flashlight forward so it shown directly into the room. Becky stood behind me with her broom; the straw end of the broom was pointed up toward the ceiling. Immediately we saw that the place was full of rats. Becky let out a loud, shrieking scream. I didn’t scream because I had already had my shock for the night when I saw the disgusting filth throughout Becky’s trailer.

The horrific scream Becky let out made the rats scatter. In fact they scattered right out of her trailer and ran throughout the trailer park. After that night, there were rats all over the place. The rats gnawed through the floors of every trailer in the park. They were so common place that many children thought that they had been given new puppies to play with. The Red Cross set up a tent in the park to give out rabies shots to all the people who were bitten by the little monsters. The entire trailer park was furious at Becky and they told her she needed to solve the rat problem that she had created. Becky agreed that she would solve the problem and she said that it would not be long until all the rats would disappear.
THE END OF PART II

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK PART I OF III

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
PART I OF III
I just got back here from Becky Newman’s trailer. Boy is that place a dump. Becky is one of the filthiest people I have even known in my life. I would not have stepped foot into her pig sty except I wanted to check on her after the horrible ordeal this trailer park went through last week. Becky was at the center of the whole situation and it was caused because of the way she decided to deal with visitors she was having during the night. She is still my neighbor so I felt I had to look out for her even though she caused herself and everyone else in the trailer park a lot of problems.

I really found out just how unclean Becky’s house was a few months ago when I was invited over for one of those jewelry home sales parties. I love home shopping parties. Sometimes you can buy some really good bling there. Now, I have already said that Becky’s place was a pig sty but, I don’t even think any self-respecting pig would live in those filthy conditions. I know I am not perfect and from time to time let the dishes stack up in the sink and let a bit of dust build up on the furniture. Becky and I are both working girls so, I think it is justified that we don’t always keep things neat and tidy however, Becky was well beyond being a bit lazy or sloppy. She had dishes with half eaten food stuck to her furniture. She had encrusted silverware all over the floor, garbage bags stacked and leaking stuff all the way down the hallway and I don’t even want to mention her sink, stove or, the thing that was growing in her refrigerator. I am no doctor but, I think that the thing growing in her refrigerator was about to either give birth or go to seed. It growled and barred its fangs when I opened the door so I never got a really good look at it.

I did not eat anything at her party but, I did buy a nice bracelet for just $15.00. It was quite a bit of money but, a person has to splurge on themselves once in a while. After the party I didn’t hear from Becky for several weeks. I was beginning to wonder if she turned my money in for my bracelet. I hate to say it but, sometimes people are a bit forgetful once they have your cash from one of those parties. Finally, Becky showed up on my doorstep one day all upset about some spirits that were haunting her at night. She said she needed my psychic help and I asked her if she had heard anything about the bracelet I ordered. She told me she would check on it but, she desperately needed my help right away. I invited her in for some coffee so she could explain what was going on at her trailer. I didn’t want to go to her place for coffee because coffee is dark and you can’t always see what might be floating in it.

The ordeal started when Becky started to notice that some of her dishes that had encrusted food on them were miraculously self-cleaning overnight. Becky would come out of her bedroom in the morning expecting to see the same dishes full of gunk sitting around that had been sitting around for days, weeks, months and, even years. Instead, the dishes were shinny clean. In addition to the dishes being clean, her counters were getting cleaned up as well. She even could discern the original color of her sink and countertops. Becky was overwhelmed with both surprise at the work that was getting done and also with a since of gratitude for whoever was helping her out. It was like some kindly elves were coming in the middle of the night and cleaning up her house for her.

One night Becky left out some nice frosted cookies she had purchased at Dobermans Bakery. That bakery has the best cookies. There is so much frosting on their cookies that you can’t even taste the cookie dough underneath it. Anyway, Becky left the cookies out for her friends who were cleaning up her trailer for her hat night. At midnight Becky heard someone munching away on the cookies so she decided to pop out of her bedroom. Before Becky could turn the lights on she saw two big red eyes starring back at her. Becky assumed it was the devil so she screamed and ran out of her trailer. Once outside she waited until it started to get light out before she started beating on my door.

END OF PART I OF III
PUBLISHED WEEKLY

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

SECOND HALF OF YEAR WILL BE GREAT

By Madam Misty
Psychic

I just got back from visiting my twin sisters Twisty and Christy down in Flint Michigan. We have three sets of twins in my family. I and Twisty are twins, I and Christy are twins and Twisty and Christy are twins. That makes three sets. All three sets of twins are identical (personally I think Christy looks a bit older). We even wear the same bling. I gave each of my sisters a Petoskey stone amulet like the one I have. This way we can stay in touch with each other. All we have to do is rub the amulet and the other twins that are wearing it will be able to read the mind of the twin giving a rub to the Petoskey stone. This will save a lot on long distance calls.

Mike Collin took over my desk while I was away. Unfortunately, he accidentally cracked my crystal ball. Of course he would not have accidentally cracked it if he had not used it for a bowling ball in the parking lot. He did replace it with two half sized crystal balls. The only thing is the balls are filled with water and have a Santa with his sleigh inside and if you shake the balls, it looks like its snowing.

Another problem with the two new balls is that after looking at them for a while and trying to concentrate on contacting the spirit world, my eyes cross. My left eye looks at the crystal ball on the right and my right eye looks at the crystal ball on the left. Maybe my messages from the spirits will be all crossed up too. Today I stared into my balls and saw the Detroit Tigers go all the way this year. Maybe I was actually looking at the past and not the future. Maybe I saw what happened in 1969 and not 2009. Oh dear me.

This afternoon at the company picnic, I think I’ll challenge Mike to a game of lawn jarts. Maybe I can try to get even with Mike for cracking my crystal ball. I don’t intend at aiming for the yellow lawn jart target. Instead, I’m aiming at the fat sack of stupid standing behind it. I bet my last sentence will be edited and will not forcefully express my true feelings.

On this Fourth of July holiday I predict that, the American people will feel a lot better about the second half of this year then they felt about the first half. Especially, those Americans that own private islands near the equator. I’m not going to bang around the bush people; it’s going to be cold the rest of the year. I mean caveman ice age type cold. It’s going to be Canadian Ice Trucker cold. So bundle up and get out the Yachtzi dice along with your bourbon flavored cocoa.

Entertainment wise, the Movie about John Dillinger will be a big hit this summer. It will join Transformers, Star Trek and X-Men remakes as blockbusters this year. Jackson Five and Michael Jackson music will outsell all other music this summer.

For the rest of the year, stocks and bonds are going up and down in price. I don’t own any of that stuff so, I don’t care. But, I would be a buyer of cubic zirconium jewelry on any pull backs in price. In the long run, as people realize they can’t afford real diamonds, cubic zirconium will only go up in price. In addition, the Chicago Board of Trade (CBOT) is going to have some interesting activity in the futures market for January bulk Petoskey stones. Until next time, this is Madam Misty.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

FINANCIAL PREDICTIONS

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Like most psychics, I use a number of methods and tools to predict the future. Taro cards, rare magical stones, crystal balls and various personal possessions of the dearly or even nearly departed. Today I used a wee gee board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I went into my predictive trance but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got snockered on her own corn liquor. Then, she fell asleep smoking a cigar on a hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to all put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2010. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2010 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what’s inside that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I am Madam Misty Merkle, resident phychsic of the “Humor News Nuts” Internet magazine and member of tcbrandt global Internet publishers. I use a weegie board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I tranced out but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got wasted on her own corn liquor and fell asleep smoking a cigar on the hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore ye with the numbest of acorns don’t queer my deal with the predicting angels. Don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what the world looks like that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

Overall, I predict things will be pretty good in 2010. We have a large stimulus package that the government is pushing. Bankers are getting their cut. Car dealers are getting their cut. People that over borrowed are being rewarded for their bad judgment. In life I’ve been rewarded with six alimony checks for my bad judgment.

Oh, and the stock market is going to go up then, down then, up again. The final number at the end of the year I can't predict except it has a two in it. I don't know where I'm comming up with the two in the final stock market number except that the apricot brandy I've been sipping has made me realize I've got two hands. I've got two feet too. Two must be some sort magic number like 666 or seven.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

GLOBAL WARMING IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
I do not usually listen to the news. I am a psychic so why should I listen to the news when I can just predict what’s going to happen. However, today I woke up and my TV was still on since last night. I have a rural electric coop electric service so; I predict that my bill this month is going to be horrible. Anyway, the TV said that former Vice President Al Gore was predicting that the world is getting warmer.

I couldn't’ believe what I was hearing. When did the President fire Al Gore? I thought the President and Vice President were getting along really well. The Vice President must be as devastated as Conan O’Brian after loosing such a good paying gig. That’s why I don’t work out anymore. I got tired of being canned. The stress of being led out of the building by security is just too much to bear. Especially, when they put those handcuffs on you just because, you’re yelling and kicking a bit. I don’t feel too sorry for our former Vice President. They keep extending unemployment benefits so he can live pretty well for a long time before he has to make a living busing tables of slinging drinks.

Being a barmaid was one of the ways I paid for Beauty College. My advice to Mr. Gore is that if he wants to get good tips he should wear something tight fitting. Another tip is that if he sees someone with a five dollar bill in their hand he should always give them a little wink. And, it doesn’t matter whether the person is a guy or a gal. After all, a five dollar tip is a five dollar tip. It might pay for the former Vice President to go to trade school or something.

Computer repair is a really popular trade now days. My cousin Steve does computer repair and makes $7.00 per hour. That’s only fifty cents less than the minimum wage in this state. Of course he gets paid under the table and doesn’t have to pay taxes or anything so, that makes it o.k. My cousin Steve says that paying taxes is being a real Smoe. I don’t know what a Smoe is but, it rhymes with Moe and he was one of the three stooges and they were really dumb although, Moe was the brightest one of the three. Of course that’s just my opinion.

I conclude my predictions about global warming by saying I definitely believe it is happening. I looked outside today and my thermometer says the temperature is at least ten degrees warmer today than it was just a week ago. I predict that the temperature outside will be several degrees warmer in just a few more months. I guess between predicting things like, it’s getting warmer outside and, slinging drinks, the former Vice President and I have a lot in common.

THE MOON MONSTERS WILL NOT ATTACK EARTH DIRECTLY

By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?




My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

CELEBRITY PREDICTIONS

PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty
I predict that I’m either going to get paid or I’m going to quit pretty soon. Every payday they tell me that I’m not getting a paycheck because “I got my entire check garnished for parking tickets,” First of all, I live two doors down and don’t ever drive my car so how am I supposed to get these tickets?

The recent fight between funny man Jon Stewart and stock guru Jim Kramer will end soon. I’m going to predict that stock guru Jim Kramer will depart from his show “Mad Money” and star in a comedy movie based on the old sit-com “Mad About You,” with "The Queen Of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli as his co-star.

I predict that Tiger Woods and John Edwards will be co-starring in a new made for TV SyFy movie called "Snakes In The Grass". The movie is about a golf pro and his politician buddy who both cheat on their wives while battling giant poisonous snakes let loose on a golf course by a government, mad scientist.

Jon Stewart will leave his job as the host of “The Daily Show,” and join Larry the Cable Guy and the ghost of the late Rev.Jerry Fallwell on a revivalist crusade through the Deep South. The country trailer park tours will last 6-10 weeks depending on whether the tornadoes get to the trailer parks ahead of them this summer. Tornadoes turn trailer parks into parks and trails; trails of cars, tin cans and beer bottles.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I GOT PROFILED IN ARIZONA

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I just got back from my trip to Vegas and I am still really annoyed. For one thing I ended up loosing all my gambling money within the first few minutes I was in Vegas. It is amazing how fast $100.00 goes at the craps table. Now I know why they call it the game of craps. It is called craps because when you’ve lost your entire life savings in just a few minutes you have to say “Oh Crap!” or, something much stronger like “Oh Phooey Sticks!” I was so mad think I used both expressions.

Since I lost all my money right away I was stuck in my room for three days watching TV. The TV was kind of a treat since I haven’t had any TV since the government switched over to that new digital broadcast system. That adaptor I bought with my $50.00 coupon won’t even bring in AM radio let alone any local channels.

My vacation in Los Vegas was pretty stinky but, the one night I spent in Arizona was much more harrying. It seems that I almost got deported to parts unknown because of their new racial profiling law. I guess it is because I’m from up north that I never even think about my racial background. Especially since, I‘m white and everyone always tells me that I’m looking awfully pasty and I need to get some sun before someone tries to burry me.

Anyway, on my way to Los Vegas I had to stop off and visit my Aunt Winnie down in Arizona. I stopped off at the old peoples home but, Aunt Winnie couldn’t talk too long because she had to give everyone there a bath before putting them to bed. Aunt Winnie is 77 years old and is still working to get health insurance. I had to visit her at her workplace because she lives with her boyfriend and he really does not like me. He told me once that my psychic predictions were just some sort of con game so; I put an old psychic hex on him that I said would give him gout. Sure enough he developed gout. Of course he blames me for his malady but, actually it was his heavy consumption of beer that I knew would sooner or later make his toes swell (and toe jams smell).

After I left Aunt Winnie I went back to the hotel that I was staying at while in Arizona. I was only going to stay there one night before going on to Los Vegas. I was too board to just watch TV so I decided to go down to the bar and maybe see if they had some free popcorn I could eat for my supper. I didn’t want to spend any money on food since I was saving it for drinks and to gamble with in Los Vegas. When I went to the hotel bar I bellied up to it and ordered a glass of peach brandy. Popcorn was not offered for free so, I just took a bowl of leftover popcorn off an empty table that sat behind me. I also picked up about a half dozen French fries that were lying in front of the bar seat next to me. Overall, it was a pretty good meal.

I sat at the bar for about another twenty minutes when this fellow dressed in s security uniform sat down beside of me. “Lady,” he began “I noticed you come in here and I am required by law to ask you a few questions.”

“Who are you?” I asked “and why should I answer your questions?”

“What’s your name?” he responded.

“I’m Madam Mystic Misty Merkel and again, who are?”

“I’m Mr. T. Bowels. I am the Chief Hotel Inspector and Public Bathroom Maintenance Engineer. I’ve been watching you MS Merkel and I maybe arresting you here shortly. It all depends on how honest you are with me when you answer my questions. You see, here in Arizona we have just passed a racial profiling law that allows me to interrogate and/or detain anyone at my discretion if they do not have proper papers to show me. So, I say to you, please present your papers or you will be arrested and most likely deported back to where you came from.”

I opened up my purse and got out my Michigan ID card and handed it to the crazy windbag. I’m from Michigan Mr. Bowels. You can see that on my ID card. “

Mr. Bowels looked intently at my ID card and then said,” This is just as I suspected. You are definitely a foreigner and should not be here.”

“Say What?” I shouted angrily.

“You are an undesirable,” Mr. Bowels affirmed. “It seems you’re from Michigan which is one of those liberal states up north. You’re a Yankee and in the South we don’t cotton much to you Yankees. You need to leave this town by tomorrow morning or sooner if you can. You see I know your type Misty Merkel. You come down here with your University of Michigan T-shirts on and then, you stay at one of our finer hotels and steal our towels and our complimentary toiletries. Then, you only stay here one day because you are just here to visit some obscure relative and then, you leave to go gambling in Los Vegas. I know your type and now the new law allows me to do something about you. “

Well, I decided to shut Mr. Bowels up by offering him half of my complimentary toiletries. Most of the stuff was berry flavored and I didn’t want to smell fruity anyway. I also returned the hotel towels so know I’ll have to buy mom something for Mother’s Day.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

THE TRAILER PARK VAMPIRE

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so, if you live in the South you should get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

PREDICTIONS FOR JULY

PREDICTIONS FOR JULY: WILL THE OBAMA’S BE UNFAITHFUL?
By Madam Misty Merkle
Psychic Mistress

Today, before going to bed, I downed some lemon shooters until about 10:00 A.M. Then I starred into the eyes of my mystic Petoskey stone and noticed the eyes were starring back. I heard a dog bark, a cackle cackled then, suddenly, a premonition started to be visible. It seems the President is going to be unfaithful. In addition, his wife will be unfaithful. His kids are going to be unfaithful. They will all be unfaithful to their little puppy Bo.

In front of the press and the cameras, the Obama family will for a while, pretend to be all lovey dovey with their new little dog. But, behind the closed White House doors, little Bo will be locked up in the kitchen while the real love of the Obama household is allowed the run of the executive mansion.

It seems that while Bo is prancing around chasing the President on the North Side of the White House, a little kitty cat named Spanky will sneak through the fence and past the White House guards. The little kitty will immediately go up to the Obama Bedroom where she will make herself at home by curling up on President Obama’s pillow. It seems this kitty cat has a penchant for going after only the most rich and powerful people on earth. Boris Yeltsin, Andy Rooney and Larry King are just some of this furry teases past owners (victims).

What a home wrecker this kitty cat will be. I predict that sooner or later, Spanky will come out of the closet (bedroom to be exact) and take over the lime light from poor, little Bo. Just as Prince Charles couldn't keep his love of Camella Parker a secret, the Obama family will not be able to keep their love for Spanky secret.

And what will happen to poor little Bo? I predict he will suffer an horrific fate. Bo will be sent home with Vice President Joe Biden. Vice President Biden is a nice man but, he will regale poor little Bo both day and night with the Vice Presidents memories of growing up with his working class family. If the Vice President is going to tell stories of his youth he needs to take some lessons from Bill Cosby of somebody. Tell us about Fat Albert or, to keep us women's advocates happy tell us about your friend Fat Alberta.

It could be worse for poor little Bo. He could be sent home with former Vice President Al Gore and have to listen to speeches on climate change day and night. Bo is a puppy Mr. Vice President. The only climate change a puppy knows is inside and outside. Of course none of this has to come to pass. I hope little Bo is reading this. Just plant some cat nip over at the Vice President's mansion. Spanky will then go right for Vice President Joe Biden. Under the spell of cat nip, Spanky won't even hear the extensive stories of the Vice President.

I do have one more prediction. I predict that three men will go out on Lake Michigan in search of a monster. They will be in search of the great white monster that will bring terror to swimmers. I predict things will end badly for these three men and, the monster will not be caught. Maybe I’m just remembering something from a long time ago? Or is it De-ja-vous. Anyway, it’s high noon and long past my nappy time.

Monday, April 5, 2010

A NIGHT AT THE OPERA

By Madam Misty Merkel
The weather is going to remain hot and dry and unfortunately, I predict a record number of forest fires this year. Global temperatures will continue to rise and the North Pole will disappear. That’s not my prediction. It’s just as I sit here I’m reading the global warming prediction off the back of a cereal box. I guess this global warming thing means that igloos will be a thing of the past just like the VCR. I always wanted to build an igloo to live in. I guess I’ll never get the chance. I also need a VCR since I have about 500 tapes of old TV shows I’d like to watch again someday.

I am predicting that Interlocken Arts Academy will have a great season this year. That has some really cool concerts with a variety of musicians. A lot of arts places just play like opera music. I once had a friend named George that insisted that I go to an opera with him. I went but when I got there I wished I hadn’t. Everyone there was dressed up real fancy and I just wore a pair of slacks and a blouse. I figured everyone would be looking up at the stage and not at each other in the audience.

As far as the music goes they did have some pretty good tunes especially, the music that the orchestra played before the singing began. For me the entertainment was pretty much over once the singers took the stage. For one thing they didn’t speak English. George told me they were singing in Italian. He told me that most operas were sung in Italian or German. I told him that if they were singing in a language other than American English they needed a screen up on stage with sub-titles in English. I’m part German but, except for the words to “Auld Lang Seine” I can’t speak another word of that language.

Another problem I had with the singing is that the singers all sang different stuff at the same time so ,even if you had an Italian to English translating manual in your hand you could never flip though the pages fast enough to look up all the different words that were bantered about at the same time. It wasn’t long and I was getting a headache. My head ached even more since the two characters that seemed to be constantly singing (a man and a woman), seemed to hold on to their high notes way too long. If they did that where I live the dog catcher would be right their to haul them off to the pound. Those opera singers needed to take some singing lessons from Willie Nelson. He knows when to let go of a note at just the right time.

Finally, George noticed that I was getting real fidgety so he explained the plot to me. It seems the opera was about a husband and wife and they were fighting. Of course I guess in Italy people sing at each other when they fight. Where I come from they yell and throw things at each other like empty beer cans. Most people have a lot of empty beer cans sitting all around their house so, that makes the empties the most convenient thing to throw. Of course no one would ever dream of throwing a full can of beer at someone because it might pop open and then a whole can of beer would go to waste.

The end of the opera was really depressing. It seems everyone just killed themselves and that was the end. I could kind of understand why they did what they did. After sitting threw the whole show I was starting to think of doing the same. Actually, I really wanted to kill George for talking me into going to the opera. I did not understand the words at all or the plot very well. On top of that I was humiliated since everyone stared at me because of the way I was dressed. I was also humiliated in one other way. You would think that in a big room like that no one would be able to hear someone like me out in the audience blow their nose. Well, everyone heard me and I think I got “Shushed” by the whole audience.

P.S. I have a suggestion for the opera operators. They should let the audience bring in pop and pop corn during the opera. The operators could make more money and like during a boring movie, at least the audience could keep itself entertained by eating. That’s just some food for thought.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

BLOODSUCKERS IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN: VAMPIRES ARE COMMING

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had her rub it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

PSYCHIC VS PHYSIC: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

By Madam Misty Merkel
Traverse City Psychic/Physic

I spent all day getting my drain unplugged. I used liquid drain Plummer stuff. I unwound an old wire hanger and tried twisting it down the drain. I even brought in the garden hose and tried to blow the clog out with water. Nothing worked. I shouldn’t have poured bacon grease down the kitchen sink last night. This happens every time. Finally, I boiled up a tea kettle full of water and poured it down the drain to melt the bacon grease. It worked too well. The bacon grease went down but, the boiling hot water melted the glue or whatever keeps the pipes under the sink together. Now I have water all over the floor. This just goes to show you that you should get a psychic or physic reading before you start each day. I could have avoided this mess if I had just taken a couple of minutes this morning to look into my own future.

Many of you have been wondering why I use the word Physic and Psychic interchangeably. Some people thought that I just did not know how to spell the word “Psychic”. Let me be clear: a Psychic is someone who uses their special abilities to foretell the future; a physic is someone who uses something from the physical world to help foretell the future. I use Petoskey stones and crystal balls to look into the future. Hence, I am a psychic because I foretell the future with my mental powers and I am a physic because I use objects to aid in my predictions.

Last week I went to a convention of Physics. Most of the people at the convention were demonstrating items that they sold to the public like crystal balls and taro cards. This gave me the idea of selling Petoskey stones to the public. They do have very powerful psychic vibes.

Many people think Petoskey stones are just ancient coral remains that have been fossilized into beautiful patterns. In fact, there is this scientist (he is currently in prison for fraud) who believes that Petoskey stones were really cells to a giant, psychic, alien brain that collided with the earth and killed off the dinosaurs or, something like that. The brain cells were scattered across Upper Michigan.

So watch as the sale of Petoskey stones rise. People across the country are down on their luck and maybe a bunch of polished alien brain cells might just be the thing to turn bad luck into good luck.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A 2012 PREDICTION
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
People need to start getting ready for the year 2012. 2012 is the year the Mayans, ancient Hebrews, Hindus and some others I can’t remember, said that the world would be in big trouble. It seems the planets will be lining up in such a way that the earth will be devastated by cosmic forces beyond the control of humans. There will be a number of disaster events that will happen in 2012. Last Saturday night I tranced out at the bar located down the block from the trailer park. Then, I had a vision of an economic disaster that will happen in May of 2012.

I have consorted with the spirits of good and evil and rubbed my mystical Petoskey stones until they are smooth and polished. I think I can sell them on EBay now. I should be able t get about $30.00 a piece out of them. That will pay my cable bill so I won’t be cut off. Anyway, the calamity of 2012 will occur when five giant ships loaded with tons of merchandise destined for Wall Mart Stores around the world, collide in mid ocean and sink. When all that merchandise sinks to the ocean floor, so will the world economy. The hopes and dreams of every person on earth will drown in the sudsy brine and, forever sleep with the fishes.

Earth will change that day. We cannot stop our destiny from happening no more than we can wear adult diapers and not get wet. However, we will try unsuccessfully, to prepare ourselves mentally for the day the earth will stand still. We will attempt to brace ourselves for the day our forbidden planet no longer offers the hope of living a fulfilling life of non-stop shopping and mounting credit card debt. It will be difficult for us to accept the fact that one day a creature from a black lagoon will be wearing the cubic zirconium jewelry which we had hoped to be wearing and showing off to our friends and neighbors. The tragedy will leave our minds lost in space. Our hearts will be heavy like a big blob. One day we will be forced to accept as the Mayans foretold, that our humanity will die when all our stuff takes a voyage to the bottom of the sea.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

FEBRUARY PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 10,700 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

2010 PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS

By Madam Mystic Merkel
2010 will be a year of fantastic upheaval. A lot of people will loose a lot more money in the stock and real estate markets. People will be starving around the globe and I’m going to buy a new wardrobe. You see I used my psychic abilities to hit the jackpot at the casino. I won $29,000 so I’m going to be living well for the next couple of years.

I am also changing my byline from Misty Merkel to Mystic Merkel. I have a couple of cousins named Misty Merkel who live in Flint Michigan. They are mad because people keep calling them up in the middle of the night for psychic advice. People always want to decide if they should move out on their significant other in the middle of the night. It seems that after they have been at the bar all night and come home in the early hours of the morning, that’s when people want to make significant life changing decisions.

People should be more like my parents. When my dad would come home after a late night of playing pool, my mom would lock him out of the house so he had to go and try to sleep on a kids swing set. He always fell out of it and ended up lying on the ground all night but, my parents never split up because my dad came home late from the bar. Now my ex-husbands I couldn’t lock out of the house because they never came home from the bar. At least they never came home to my house.

2010 is the year of the tiger in China. I predict that a lot of Americans will move to places like China next year in order to better themselves and raise their standard of living. A lot of Americans now have degrees in engineering so; they will be able to work on running all the new trains china is building. America does not need engineers anymore because it does not take too much math ability to figure out how to put a hamburger, taco, or pizza together.

Furthermore, in regards to jobs in America, more jobs that require good language skills will be exported to India. In fact, most Americans will almost completely loose the ability to communicate verbally. The only two words most Americans will be using by the end of the year 2010 are “huh?” and, “whatever”.

Politics will be really nasty in 2010. Nightly commentary shows will pounce on anyone who has any kind of opinion that is contrary to the opinion of the host/moderator. I think I’ll get all my news from the Home Shopping Network. They seem to have honest reporters who give people the kind of information that people really care about. It is important to know how many carrots are in a 24 carrot cubic zirconium diamond ring. Furthermore, people in America don’t want to go and vote at some polling place. We’d rather vote with our pocket books (credit cards).

In 2010 there will be a lot of movies made. There will also be a lot of fights over how content providers on TV should be compensated. I think they should be compensated the same way that internet content providers are compensated. If no one buys anything during the program then the network would make no money. The only people who watch TV ads are either comatose in a nursing home or, people who find the ads to be more entertaining than the programming itself. Maybe they should set up a channel that just has advertising on it. It certainly would have more viewers than the network news shows. Maybe the Home Shopping Network would fall into category of a station that only carries advertising.

I have to admit now that I lied. 2010 will not be a year of fantastic upheaval. I just said that to get your attention. I write a blog on the internet. What kind of integrity do you think I have? Overall, 2010 should be a boring year so those who want excitement should make their own excitement. Get out and meet people in your community. Volunteer to work at a library or homeless shelter. Pick up cans and bottles and give the money to charities. You could also use the can and bottle money to go to the casino. Maybe you’ll win $29,000 playing those one armed bandit machines. ’

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