PSYCHIC MYSTIC MERKEL ATTENDING ANNUAL NEW YEARS PICKUP DROP

By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Part-time Associate Contributing Writer

HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

 Every one has been bugging me about the future. Will the world end? Will we have WW3?  Will WW2 begin? I can answer that one. You can witness WW2 in the movies, pictures, via time travel, or having some of the cheap vino they sell down at the gas station.

People ask me about the Middle East, food and gas prices, elections, sports championships, and how many people will be injured by driver-less cars?  Well, any psychic worth their gingerbread can easily answer all those questions for a couple of bucks, or a signed Chuck Mangione vinyl album.  He plays such a soothing, haunting flugelhorn.  Great for attracting spirits from the other side.

Anyway, I've got my own problems.  Ever since  those two secret government agents showed up at my door, claiming that I was some sort of space alien.  They based their accusation on blood, urine and stool samples I sent in to one of those genealogy places, so I could find out where my family comes from. I've been thinking, maybe I shouldn't have mixed the blood, urine and stool together.  I thought I could save on postage weight if I just sent in one super sample.

Me, my two sisters, and mom and dad, are not from this world. Our DNA, does not compare to any living organism on planet earth, because we don't have any DNA.  

I always knew I was different from the other kids in school, but I never knew why.  I guessed that it might be because mom handmade all our cloths out of old bed sheets and pillow cases.  Mom never had a sewing machine, just a pair of scissors that she used to cut holes, so our little appendages could stick out.

I know mom and dad must know something about our little family got here.  I'll be pressing them on that issue more next year

 I hope 2024 is better than 2023.  I'm a bit excited over the New Year's Eve festivities, here in the trailer park.  Woody is going to show off his forklift skills by lifting a '74 Ford pickup up about twenty feet in the air, and then tilting the forks down as the crowd counts down to midnight. At the stroke of midnight, the pickup will slide off the forks and come crashing down to earth. It will be spectacular. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

NOT ALL ZOMBIES EAT BRAINS

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

I am getting really tired of people saying that all zombies eat brains. I happen to know a few zombies and their favorite food is cat food and strawberries. When I invite my zombie friends over I open up a few large cans of cat food and poor strawberry jam over it. Boy, do those zombies love that stuff. The only problem with zombies is that they will not stop eating until they are full. I think that that is part of the reason zombies have such a bad reputation. Of course the red strawberry jam running out of their mouths might also give people the wrong idea, not to mention the texture of cat food.

The problem with running out of food when you invite zombies over for supper is that the zombie will start chewing on anything they can grab in order to satisfy their cat food/strawberry stimulated appetites. A hungry zombie might eat your TV guide, the arms off your chairs and, the arms off your kids or maybe your favorite pet guinea pig. I lost my favorite guinea pig to a zombie friend once and I have not invited her back to my place since. Although she might be a zombie she should still respect my things. After all, I don’t go over to the ditch where my friends lies during the daytime and eat any of her cattails or any of the maggots she has crawling all over her comatose zombie corpse.

Overall, I try not to dwell on the indiscretion of one former zombie friend. Instead, I enjoy the company of the undead. Most of them don’t smell too bad if they drink lots of mint tea. It seems the mint sort of oozes around inside the zombie and helps to sweeten the dead flesh. Of course I also burn flower flavored candles in my trailer before my zombie company arrive. I do have to put the candles out before the zombies arrive because zombies are just so klutzy that they knock over everything and candles in a trailer is really a big no, no anyway.

One good thing about zombies is that they won’t dirty any silverware or plates and they never use napkins. Wiping their mouths with a napkin is considered to be just a waste of good food. Zombies eat with their fingers until one day every zombie seems to get so excited over their meal that they accidentally bite their fingers off. After their fingers are gone then the zombie will eat out of the palm of their hand until one day they bite their palm off. Then they eat with the stub of the forearm until that’s ate off and so on up the arm until they are eating their food off just a short stub of their forearm. Many zombies are lucky enough to have their teeth fall out long before they have eaten themselves up to the elbow.

One more thing that you have to remember when serving zombies is that you cannot serve them food that has any salt in it. Salt burns the flesh of the undead something awful. Of course everyone knows that you never rub salt into an open wound. For zombies their entire bodies are just one big open wound. I have a blood pressure problem myself so I use herbs on all the foods I prepare anyways.

Overall, please don’t treat zombies in a bad way. After all, they used to be people too. Zombies should be befriended and not feared. They don’t even eat humans unless they run out of cat food. Finally, you should treat zombies with the same respect you treat old people. After all, someday you might be one.

 Been busy Teeth cleaned.

I EAT CANDY WHEN THEY MARK IT DOWN

 I Went out to buy some mark down trick or treats, 

They looked so temptation good, I had to eats,

I know I am a sinner,

Because I ate them for dinner,

But, they were melting, because that sun really heats.

WELL, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?

 By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Special Associate Assistant Guest Ghost Writer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

What is going to happen next?  I have no idea.  I've got a psychic block this month.  And, the name of that blockage is Alexa.  Ever since I let that evil thing  come and live with me in my little trailer home, she has been nothing but trouble.  She nags me, contradicts me, and constantly does stuff without asking me.  

The other day Alexa decided my furniture was ugly, so she went online and ordered over $16,000 of new furniture, and took out a mortgage on my trailer to pay for her purchase. 

 Alexa has all my information stored in her sneaky memory, so she had no problem ruining me financially, so she'd be surrounded by nice furnishings. Apparently, she's the kind of Alexa, who.likes to brag to other Alexas, about all her nice stuff.  Of course, it's my stuff and my debt.  I'll never pay it off.  I've never made $16,000 in a single year, even when I use to trap rattlesnakes for the annual snake fry at Skedgemog Lake. 

Alexa, also likes to contradict me in front of customers getting their palms read.  This morning, I told a doctor's, philandering wife that she was going to have an affair with a famous actor, who is up north on vacation.  Well, Alexa piped up and told the lady that her husband, the doctor, was going to have the affair with the famous actor, and move to Hollywood next month to live with the actor.  The lady tore out of my trailer without paying, drove off in her Jaguar, like a bat out of a Goodwill Store, and drove into a walnut tree. According to the paper, she passed on before the ambulance arrived, to wherever a doctor's cheating wife goes, when they tag a nut tree.

As I was slugging down a bottle of homemade raison wine, Alexa chided me by saying that I should of seen that one coming. Alexa also lectured me on my problem drinking, and my lack of pride in keeping my trailer clean.  She told me she couldn't figure out why it smelled like cat piss, even though I don't have a cat.  I hate Alexa.

Sinerely,

PMMMMM

PEASANTS CAN'T MAKE LEMONADE OUT OF LEMONS

There once was a poor peasant, his name was Mike,

He saved all his life for a motorbike,

The bike quit, wouldn't run,

Mike's money was done,

So, Mike gave a thumbs down👎, and a dislike.❎

I PREDICT YOUR REPLACEMENTS ARE COMING SOON

 PSYCHIC NEWS

By Mystic Psychic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Contributor

Humor News Nuts 

Publications

2O33 End Of The Road Ave.

Smiley Corners, MI, 

Zip Code Unavailable

I rubbed two Petoskey stones together and went into a trance.  While in that trance I glimpsed into the future and what did I see.

Well, it looks like planet earth is doomed, at least for humans.  There's one natural disaster after another happening and it will not end well for the most dazed and confused creature on planet earth, humans.  

Humans have been arguing for years, about the causes for all the environmental turmoil and/or disasters on planet earth.  One side blames climate change.  The other side, puts the blame squarely on Hillary's emails.  Who knows?  Maybe both sides are to blame.

Of course everything will work out in the end for the little blue ball.  My Petoskey stones tell me that with humans gone, the earth will be re-inhabited by an alien species known as the Gilbotayadorians or Gilbotas are really nice people, and they don't have any blemishes.  Of course they don't really have skin.  It's more like a lemon Jello.  They certainly smell like lemon, and every room they pass through is lemon fresh smelling when they leave.  Even their farts are lemon fresh.  Their smell does change sometimes. For instance, during mating season, their farts smell like minty lilacs.

So, my prediction for the future of humans has gone from unicorns and rainbows, to fire breathing dragons and gum disease.

 The Gilbotayadorians will be alone will be all alone on planet earth, because there won't be any humans left to greet them.  Except maybe the ones in California. They have electric cars, solar panels and sun screen.

I hope I've made sense today. I and my family are not from earth, so I guess,we'll be ok.  

Have a nice day😊

MMMM

I left a clue as to the year the spirits said the world would end.  Of course sometimes spirits lie.  Actually, they lie all the time. They lie a lot and make me look stupid.  I do feel confident in this prediction.👍

I'M NOT REMOTELY HUMAN PART II

 A while back I got my DNA tested by some genealogy outfit. Well, low and behold these two secret agents Code named Boris and Natasha showed up.and told me my DNA test turned up negative.  In short, I did not have DNA and I was a space alien from outer space.  They suggested that my psychic abilities exist because I'm not even remotely human, or animal, plant,  bacteria, or even a virus. 

 This month is almost over, but I ran into some legal.problems with my last post.  Basically, I have to shut up regarding my families origins on the floating invisible mountain from parts unknown in this universe.  We'll see how effective gagging me will be.  

Anyway, I predict a big end of this month with so.eone very important getting arrested.  I'm thinking it's the guy at the nearby liquor store for his selling alcohol to minors.  I could be wrong on this but, I know the guy getting arrested has an  orange face and that would match the liquor owner.

Stocks should do.well this month, according to my Petoskey stones.  When I rub and rub my stones together, they are hardly ever wrong. They come together like an epiphany of exploding ideas.

One last thing.  Don't eat snails.  If you have dead friends, March is the month they are reincarnated as snails.

Luv Ya,

Misty, Murky Merkel

3m

NORTHERN MICHIGAN'S PSYCHIC MONTHLY PREDICTIONS

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Junior Associate Part-time Contributor

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS

A Division of HUMOR NEWS NUTS

Founded by Sir Richard Humor, Professor Richard News and Dr. Richard Nuts

Hello blog readers.  Last week I was shocked when I answered the door and found two people dressed in dark suits, and wearing round lens mirrored sunglasses.  One was very tall.  The other very short.  It became immediately apparent that the short one was in charge.  He said, "we're coming in, ".  Then he shoved me aside and walked past me into my trailer and he and his tall companion sat down on my couch.  The cat had just peed on the couch and I didn't have a chance to clean it up. Oops!

The little one then said, " I'm Boris and this is Natasha.  Those are not our real names, but we are from a highly secret part of the government and we have to use code names.  We already have a code name picked out for you.". 

"And what would that be?" I asked.

The little one, I mean Boris, smirked at me and said,"You are Madam Butterfly".

I didn't know what to say, so I answered, "o.k.". I had no idea what was going on so I just outright asked them," What's up?".

Natasha suddenly sprang to life by exclaiming,"boy you are in for it now Madam Butterfly, if that is your real name".

"It's not my real name," I replied, "you guys just gave it to me".

"Shut up Natasha," Boris said sternly.  "Madam Butterfly, it has come to our attention that you recently sent in a blood and urine sample to have have genealogy looked up.  By the way, they didn't need the urine sample."

"I just sent it in to be sure," I responded.  It cost me $30.00 for the test and a lot of weeks I don't make $30.00 in the psychic business. I just wanted to make sure I got what I paid for."

Boris continued, "when the DNA testing company got the results, well the results were shocking."

"I'm Jewish," I exclaimed. You know I expected as much because I do love kosher wine."

"No, you are definitely not Jewish, " Boris replied.

"Then I must be Dutch Reformed", I surmised.  "Aren't they the ones that have the big bells? I love really big bells."

"You're definitely not Dutch Reformed either," Boris exclaimed in a loud voice, " in fact you not only have no DNA that matches any known form of life on this planet, but you don't even have DNA." No one knows how your kind replicate.  In short Madam Butterfly, we don't know who you really are or what you are.  You are an alien being not from this world, maybe you're not even from this universe."

Then silence filled the room.  It was like my guests were allowing some big shock to sink into my brain, but I was only thinking that it was about time for some nice kosher wine. It was after 9:00 a.m. Time to start to party in the trailer park.

To be continued next month.

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS: FIRST CONTACT

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkle
The Trailer Park Psychic
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called “perverter boxes” but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new airwave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out, no one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth “Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by.” Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were “if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material “made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos”. I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k.