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Sunday, December 22, 2013

THE GODDESS OF NICKELS AND DIMES

IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS AND OTHER PREDICTIONS 
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

The spirits from the great beyond tell me that it is almost Christmas.  They told me to wish everyone a Merry Christmas but, "watch out for the New Year."  The spirits have not gone into detail about what is going to happen but, I will keep all of my readers informed as to any updates I receive.

Now, aside from decorating my mailbox with bows and pine cones for the holidays I have been busy giving clients psychic readings regarding their own personal futures for 2014.  For example, my neighbor's daughter Pansy stopped by my trailer earlier this morning to ask me whether or not she should accept a proposal of marriage from a man who works as a surgeon at the local hospital.   Offhand, I wanted to tell this young lady to go look for a husband with a descent job like roofing or snowmobile repair and drop this looser who cuts away at peoples innards all day.  Surgery must be about the rottenest job a person could have and I doubt you get paid very much for doing it.  Guys doing roofing work usually make between $8-$10 per hour in this area and they only work about 4 months out of the year.  Snowmobile repairmen make slightly less but, they only work half as many months as a roofer.    Finding a man with one of these dream jobs is what a young girl should be doing now days.  As far as snowmobile repairmen working only two months, It's not that we don't get lots of snow in Northern Michigan it's just that guys up here who ride snowmobiles usually spend most of the winter in jail for driving under the influence.

"In Northern Michigan if you drive a snowmobile under the influence you will hit a tree and you will be arrested after they release you from the trauma center."  At least that's what the public service announcement ad says.

Getting back to the daughter of my neighbor and her question about marriage; I decided that because I personally held a prejudice against marrying someone with a crummy job like surgeon, I owed it to my client to get a fair, unbiased answer so I got out my crystal ball and attempted to give the girl a reading.  The only problem was that my crystal ball had a big crack in it and had become so foggy I couldn't see anything.  I have another crystal ball but, when I got that one out I observed that it also had a big crack in it and all the water had leaked out.  This ball must of gotten cracked a while ago because the little guppies I kept inside of it were all dried up.  I still tried to Davine the future with it however, all I could see was the past.  When I stared into the Crystal ball I saw my little guppies flopping around on the wet gravel as they slowly suffocated from lack of water.   I broke off my contact with the crystal ball when one of the dying guppies spoke to me saying "were going to get you for this Mystic Madam Misty Merkel."  

After dismissing the dead guppy vision as a latent guilt effect I decided to try a surefire way of answering poor Pansy's question about her suitor.  I went over to my coach and dug around under the cushions and after pulling up a wine bottle cap, a Princess DI doll and some kettle corn kernels I found a slightly worn nickle.  I then sat down directly across from Pansy and looked directly into her yellow-green eyes.  "This is very important," I said to Pansy, "I need you to spit on this nickle and close your eyes while I toss it.  If the nickle lands with the head up then you should marry the surgeon.  If it lands with the tail up then you need to set your sights on marrying a low skilled-tradesman.  Nod if you understand me."  Pansy responded with a very definite nod and then hit that nickle with a really gooey glob of spit.  There seemed to be a few bits of bacon floating in Pansy's spit so I knew she had just been to breakfast at Flap Jack Shack.

After I saw that Pansy had tightly shut her eyes I tossed the nickle into the air and watched as it rolled over and over, spewing saliva across the breath of my table then, the coin did the gravity thing and fell flat on the table with the backside up.   Pansy looked at the coin and gasped.  With the flip of a mere nickle Pansy's entire future had been laid out before her.

"Maybe I didn't put enough spit on the nickle," Pansy remarked.

"No dear," I replied, "your destiny wasn't determined by spit,  it was determined by the goddess of nickles and dimes.  She has determined that you should not marry this surgeon fellow."

"Maybe we should have  used a quarter," Pansy responded.

"No," I said, "A quarter would be a sign of wanting to marry just for money.  A nickle shows that you are dedicated to doing the right thing by marrying only for love."

Pansy sat for a moment thinking over my words and then looked at me and said," you're right as always Madam Misty.  I will dump the surgeon right away and find myself a nice low-skilled-tradesman.  Where would I find such a man?"  Pansy asked.

"I always find those kind of guys in biker bars.  Try to avoid the guys with extreme beards.  You never know what might be living in those hairy things."

"So, how much do I owe you Madam Misty?" Pansy asked.

"You owe me five hundred," I replied.

"Five hundred dollars?" Pansy asked with a look of shock on her face.

"No, five hundred nickles," I replied.  "I'm going to go to the Casino on Christmas Day.  There's a drawing for a brand new double-wide and I definitely need a new trailer.  The floor boards have been giving way in this one.  My bed boosts went through the floor last night and my tub is sinking fast."

After Panza paid me I reflected on what a great country we live in.   Where else can you tell a person  how to live their life and have them willingly pay you for your direction.  Only in American my friends.

Have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year

Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

  

Saturday, December 14, 2013

THANKSGIVING, BLACK FRIDAY, SHOES AND HOW I GOT BANNED FROM THE MALL

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Northern Michigan's Trailer Park Psychic

I am so glad that Black Friday is over with.  Last weekend was just awful and I didn't get to take anything home from the mall except a ticket for a court appearance just before Christmas.

The weekend started with Thanksgiving which for the most part went rather well.  I decided not to go down state to see my relatives and certainly didn't want any of them coming up here.  My parents, aunts and uncles all have a weird way of looking at things that makes you think they are not just of Central European extraction but, that they came from some other planet.  For instance, they still think it's o.k. to decorate a white pine Christmas tree that was cut down a month ago with sixteen inch tapered candles.   The fire department loves my family.  It's also a tradition in my family for the men to urinate in the fireplace.  I guess they play some sort of game to see which one of them can drown the most coals.    Of course, once the fire is completely extinguished   the men in my family also expect the women to get down in there and get the fire going again for the next round.
My sisters didn't use to be so unpleasant but, they  are both having a mid-life crisis because they are getting close to turning 40.  I was born the same year they were so I'm gong to turn 40 soon also but, I don't really care because I'll just continue lying about my age to everyone I meet until I'm too senile to be tormented by age-vanity.

So, I was perfectly content to dine alone and have a nice holiday dinner of wine and cheese curls when my neighbor dropped by with a nice fresh pile of roadkill.  He told me he already had a freezer full of meat that he had scraped-up last summer so he wondered if I wanted to have his latest find for my turkey day dinner.   My neighbor wasn't quite sure about what kind of creature he had brought over but we both agreed it had to be some type of bird since there were lots of feathers mashed into the carcass.  

I used my turkey fryer to cook the dead bird.  It tasted real good but, I started a small fire in the living room.  You really have to watch that grease and keep it from spilling over.  I had to waste a half bottle of wine to put the fire out.   Note:  you have to use wine or beer to put out a turkey fryer fire because some types of whiskey will just make the fire worse.  I'm just glad I didn't change the batteries in the fire alarm because it would have been really irritating listening to all that noise.   It's good to remember not to keep working batteries in those nasty fire alarms.  Otherwise, every time there's a little smoke in the house a hideous noise just eats away at your brain until you just want to die.  I personally sleep a lot better at night knowing that I won't be disturbed by the noise from my fire alarm.
Well, once Thanksgiving was over with it was time for me to concentrate my energies on Black Friday.  I knew exactly what I wanted to buy on Black Friday.  I needed to purchase a new pair of shoes.  I've been wearing hiker boots that I purchased at Goodwill seven years ago.  I've had some really negative feedback both from the spirit world and this world regarding my footwear.  I finally decided to go down to the local mall and pick up a pair of cheap shoes on Black Friday.  It seems that a store in the mall called Bait n' Switch Shoes had a "Buy One Get One Free" sale.  I couldn't resist the great deal so I camped out at the mall four hours before midnight just to get in to purchase some really nice shoes at Bait n' Switch.

I was so excited when I was finally allowed to shove my way through a mass of smelly, fleshy customers and enter into the mall.  I then ran out of the food court at the mall entrance and continued down a corridor until I arrived at Bait n' Switch Shoes.  The entire front of the store was covered with banners picturing giant colorful shoes with "Buy One Get One Free" blazing in bold print all around each shoe.  I'll tell you that I was so excited once I burst thought the door of that shoe store that I was literally shaking when I brought my two pairs of shoes up to the register and waited smugly to be checked-out.  Since I was the only in the store I didn't actually have to wait in a line to be checked out but, I had to wait for an elderly lady to make her way to the counter from the backroom.

"Hello," I said as the lady approached the checkout lane.  The lady had white hair and was so stooped over her eyes were looking down at the floor.  The woman wore bright red lipstick.   "You must be expecting a lot of business in here today."  I added.

"Not really," she replied.  It's going to be slow today so, we're getting a head start on our inventory by spending the day counting back stock in the backroom."
I kind of detected a bit of resentment in the lady's tone as if she was irritated that she had to stop her counting back stock and come out here and wait on me.  I was willing to overlook her attitude because I was still really excited at the prospect of buying one pair of really nice shoes and getting the second pair for free.
Now the shoes I was buying had a price on them of $19.99 per pair.  The sales tax in Michigan is roughly 6%.  So, I expected to pay about $21.20 for my shoes but instead, when she rang me up the clerk said that I owed her $42.38.  In other words, I owed her twice what I thought.  "Listen Missy," I said, "I'm complying with the sign over these shoes that says buy one get one free.  I believe I should be paying about half this price since I am buying two pairs of shoes."
The lady looked at me directly in the eye and said that "you are buying one shoe and getting the other shoe for free.  If you pay full price for the left shoe then you get the right shoe for free and vice versa.  Can't you understand English?" the clerk bleated sarcastically.

"This sounds like a real rip-off," I complained in a very loud voice.  I demand to see the manager."

The clerk then got on the phone and told the manager that she had a problem at the register with a customer.  The manger bounded out of the backroom and came up to the check-out lane.  The manger was just a young kid about 18 years old.  This boy had red lipstick plastered all over his face and it seemed to match the same lipstick the elderly clerk was wearing.  The boy was very disheveled with his shirt tails were hanging out and his shirt just half buttoned.

"So what's the problem Carol?" the boy asked.

"This woman wants a free pair of shoes from us," the elderly clerk answered.  "She claims that our buy one shoe for full price and get the other shoe for free means she should get another pair for free.  I think this woman is a shoplifter."
The young boy turned to me and asked "Is this right?  Are you trying to steal a free pair of shoes from us?"

"I was just in here to get in on your 'buy one  get one free' shoe sale," I replied.
Well, the manger of the shoe store instructed the clerk to call store security and I was promptly arrested for attempting to steal shoes.  A sheriffs deputy showed up and gave me a ticket to appear before a judge for attempting to steal shoes from a retailer.  Then, before I left the  mall I was informed that I was permanently banned from shopping there.     So, for me "Black Friday" became "Bleak Friday".  Lucky for me that the nearby gas station had a buy one get one free sale on Morgan David wine.

Friday, December 13, 2013

IZZY AND THE SNOT DRAGONS

By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel

When you live in a trailer park like I do you come across all kinds of strange stuff like dead people, werewolves, vampires, killer snakes and space aliens. Other than what I just mentioned, people in trailer parks live pretty much normal lives. The one exception to that rule is the late Izzy Snotkowski.

Izzy is a local legend here in Northern Michigan. Back in the 1980’s he had a heavy metal band called Izzy and The Snot Dragons. Izzy’s band went on tour all over the world and opened for such bands as The Nooner Specialists and Telly Titus and The Sea Monkeys. In fact, Izzy had an awesome band and I went to see them several times. There was always something special in the air at his concerts. His music is said to have transformed many a young mind. I think that maybe my psychic abilities grew out of my experiences at his live concerts on the green in downtown Grelickville.

Now Izzy was not only a magical man when it came to heavy metal music but, he was also a biker. He was especially good at performing stunts at local fairs and backyard functions like birthdays, weddings and getting home from prison parties. One day back in 1989 my boyfriend (soon to be husband and former husband) got out of jail and his parents through him a big party on their farm. My boyfriend knew Izzy really well so Izzy was honored to perform a stunk on his bike at the party.

Izzy and my boyfriend went way back so Izzy decided to do something special for entertainment at the party. My boyfriend’s parents had a railroad track that went right across their farm and every evening at 8:15 p.m. a train would run through the farm. Izzy decided his trick would be to run his motorcycle up to the track and then jump on the track right in front of the train and run his motorcycle ahead of the train for a quarter of a mile and then jump his bike off the track before the train ran over him. Well, the stunt went badly from the get go for as soon as Izzy’s bike jumped onto the track the train hit him which turned Izzy and his Kawasaki into sushi.

That was the most tragic get out of jail party I had ever attended. It is ironic that the tragic end to poor Izzy foreshadowed the tragic end to the relationship that I and my boyfriend had for the day after the accident my boyfriend and I got married and we hated each other every single day afterwards. Just thinking about that man right now makes me want to break something and then call the cops.

Anyway, Izzy used to have a trailer over on lot nine. Because the trailer was haunted by Izzy’s ghost no one would rent it so, Izzy’s family burned it down one Halloween night and collected the insurance on it. The fire was blamed on a neighbor kid named Justin and Justin spent a few years in the pokey for it. It seems Justin was known in the neighborhood as the kid who liked to play with matches so everyone assumed that he was the arsonist who burned down Izzy’s trailer. This is a clear warning to all the kids out there that you should not be caught playing with matches or you’ll be blamed for burning something down.

What really sealed Justin’s fate was when the jury found out that Justin wet to bed. They assumed he was an arsonist since everyone knows that people wet to bed in an attempt to put out a fire they started in a dream. Playing with matches and bed wetting got Justin five years in Jackson penitentiary.

After the charred remains of Izzy’s trailer were hauled away someone else rented the lot and put a brand new trailer on it. It was not long before that trailer too was haunted so the owner and his family abandoned the trailer in the middle of the night. Several more trailers were tried out on lot nine but everyone moved out within a few weeks. Finally, the last trailer that was abandoned lies empty to this day. The only thing is that every night at midnight the entire trailer park can hear Izzy ripping through chords on his electric guitar like he did before he became a ground hamburger with Kawasaki shoestrings fries along side the railroad track.

In the trailer park we have come to view Izzy’s late night riffs as a sort of trailer park taps. It’s goodnight to the day and goodnight to all those old heavy metal bikers

Saturday, November 9, 2013

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL DOES NOVEMBER

NOVEMBER GOES OUT LIKE A TURKEY
by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel 
Associated Writer Humor News Nuts 

Well, it's November and I predict that pets and their people companions are going to have a really interesting month.  I want to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to four new visitors to my website last month.  Danny  Dewberry and his three pet crows spent a record three minutes on my website before moving on to YouTube.   It seems Danny has very slow motor skills and has problems manipulating his mouse.  That might be the reason he ended up on my website and  stayed so long  but hey, we'll take new visitors anyway we can.

I know who Danny is because he lives on the other side of my trailer-park and drinks bottles of ketchup like they are pop.  Now, poor Danny is disabled and lives on SSI.  Danny can't work because he suffers from a disease that causes his middle fingers to fly up at everyone he sees.  It's very embarrassing and the poor man can't control himself. Of course Danny can't find employment because he just can't overcome his disability during job interviews.  I've heard that his fingers are especially active at popping up and down while sitting across the table from a prospective employer.    

Danny's neighbor tells me that Danny has been trying medicinal herbs to keep his finger from popping up and also to get his birds to calm down.    Danny claims his birds have a "bipolar" disorder.   Not everyone believes Danny needs to possess and use medicinal herbs and the state police have raided his trailer twice in the last six months but, I guess he has a good lawyer so, the police pretty much let him alone now.  It's hard to believe he got a descent lawyer from the public defenders office but, I guess he's proof that such professionals do exist.

Getting back to predictions: I predict that November's weather will come in like a lamb and go out like a turkey.  And, by turkey I am of course referring to Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is a time in America when whole families get together and, once they've had enough of each other they decide to make other plans for Christmas.  After last thanksgiving I believe my family won't be getting together for the next ten Holiday seasons.  My aunt made everyone pay to use the toilet and only allowed each person to use four sheets of toilet paper.  It seems my aunt is a real psycho when it comes to overusing her septic tank.  She is paranoid that the smell is going to backup into her trailer.  But you know what, after smelling her cooking for several hours a good whiff of septic slurry would be a relief to your olfactory glands. And of course, her cooking tastes worse than it smells.    

Getting back to predictions once again:  I am also predicting that a noted local Northern Michigan ET investigator will reveal that the large meteor explosion over Russia last Winter was in fact an exploding spacecraft.   This investigator will reveal that an alien rat sacrificed it's spaceship in order to save planet earth from eminent doom.  My old friend President Nixon has told me that an evil space-monkey on board Voyager 1 was trying to destroy the earth by aiming an asteroid at it.  Of course, if this all proves to be true then maybe I'll have to get rid of my rat traps that I have spread out underneath my trailer.   If rats are now smart enough to build spaceships then, they probably won't get caught in any of my traps.   I'm just wasting government cheese.    I don't know what you think about the taste of government cheese but, it don't taste too bad if you chase it down with a bottle of Mogen David.


Thursday, October 31, 2013

COSTUME PREDICTIONS FOR HALLOWEEN 2013

Halloween
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
The Trailer Park Psychic

Happy Halloween to all my fans out there.  I know both of you will be up late tonight celebrating with all the candy you neglected to hand out to the kiddies.  Maybe a porch light and a jack-o-lantern on your front stoop might let the trick-or-treaters know they're welcomed at your trailer door.  Of course, sticking glow-in-the-dark  "Beware of Dog"  and "I Shoot First" signs on your screen door certainly does not  encourage parents to send their little 8 year old up to your trailer.   And, all week long you guys bragged about all the candy you were buying for Halloween yet, you seem to misunderstand the concept of sharing that candy with the kids that take the time to dress up in costumes and share a bit of their childhood with a couple of grumpy old candy-pigs like you.  I'm a bit disgusted but, I'll get over it.  Especially, if you breakdown and share your candy hoard with me.  

My prediction for Halloween is that it will be a successful night of candy gathering if you dress up like a zombie.  Vampires won't fare so well this year and witches might as well stay home.  If you're wearing a princes costume the kids dressed like werewolves will mug you and steal all of your candy so, you might as well stay home too.  Because of the high price of bacon pig costumes are discouraged this year.   Just a note, animal costumes went out in the 1950's so don't expect anything but dirty looks from homeowners if you're so square that you're wearing animal attire.   A lot of people today just don't like it when you make fun of animals by dressing up in costumes that portray critters as cartoon characters.

Finally, I do hope that everyone has a safe and productive Halloween.  Personally, When I was a kid I never took candy from strangers.  Instead, I always asked for money.  Now days you can even ask for a credit card if you have the right cell phone app.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

HE'S BACK: MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL'S PREDICTIONS FOR OCTOBER

Predictions For October
by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic Humor News Nuts Associate Writer

He's back.  The former manager of my trailer park was released from prison and now he's back managing the park.  I had hoped he would not be hired back but, since his dad owns the park the former park boss was instantly reinstated to his former position.

Now, the first thing this guy does after getting out of prison is stuff a note in everyone's mailbox instructing us to pay him our lot rent in change.  It seems he believes that the new currency that the government issues has fibers woven into it that affect his brain waves.  I always heard that it was his parents experiments with chemicals back in the 70's that caused our park manager to exhibit strange behavior.  I guess what I heard must be wrong.

Of course the reason our trailer park manager went to prison in the first place was because of his hatred of the government.  It seems he became really upset that wherever there was some highway construction going on the government would put out safety cones to direct people where to drive.  My park manager of course didn't like the government telling him where he could drive his pickup so he set about stealing safety cones from every highway construction site in Northern Michigan.  After several accidents, the state police became very interested in finding the safety-cone thief and since my trailer park manager had thousands of cones stacked in his yard, he was very  easy to find.

Now, a lot of you might think that people would be leaving my trailer park with the greatest of haste however, the lot rent in my park is only $55 per month and that is the cheapest rent in all of Northern Michigan.  I just wish that there was garbage pickup but, there are two empty lots on the backside of the park where we all dump our garbage.  The lots are near a river so they flood every spring and that's why they remain empty of trailers.  The good thing about the flooding is that every spring when those lots flood the rapid high waters wash all the garbage down river so, the lots are then cleared off for another year of garbage dumping by the trailer park residents.   It is like an annual toilet flush and it's just one of those ways that a community can come together to have a recycling program for mother earth.   It makes everyone in the trailer park feel that we are doing our job as custodians of the environment

Well, now that October has begun I predict the leaves will soon start to change colors.  I also predict that the new flu virus shots will cause people with natural red hair to become constipated at least three times during this month and by the way, the stock market falls with the temperatures.


Thursday, September 5, 2013

THE WILLOW WITCH OF THE WEST

MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL AND THE WILLOW WITCH OF THE WEST (MICHIGAN)
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
The Trailer Park Psychic 

Well, it's September in Northern Michigan and Summer is just about done for.  All the people in Northern Michigan are busy cleaning out their wood stoves and chimneys.  It's especially important that you clean out your chimney if you live in a trailer since you stand about a 50-50 chance of your home burning down during the winter from creosote buildup.  You might also loose your trailer to a cigarette in the sofa or maybe a mouse chewing up your electrical wires.   Sometimes, on Halloween rowdy teenagers in the park will set your trailer on fire by tossing a burning jack-o-lantern through your window.  Luckily, that only happens to me about once a year.

Being an old veteran of trailer living I know that the best way to prevent loosing my home to fire during the winter months is to just let the snow buildup on the roof.  Of course there is the problem with cave-ins in Northern Michigan but you just learn to deal with such situations as they arise.

I predict that during the day in September, you will see fewer children wandering around the Malls.   I also predict that temperatures will cool down toward the end of the month.  With cooler temperatures I predict that the psychic business of  willow-witching will also cool down.

During the past few months, willow-witching has been fairly lucrative for myself and others.  For those of you unfamiliar with the art and sport of "Willow-Witching"; it is the making use of a forked willow branch to divine where something can be found like water, oil or mayonnaise  (I can never remember which cupboard I put the new jar).

Now, as I said willow-witching has been a very lucrative business this summer and a particular friend of mine really hit the jackpot when it comes to this business.  She is none other than Even, the Willow Witch of the West.  Of course Even is a peculiar name but, believe me she is a really peculiar girl.  She doesn't actually do any Willow-witching herself but, she does supply all the witches and psychics in Northern Michigan with the magic forked willow branches that are necessary to be a successful diviner.

Now, the history of Even is kind of strange.  Even's family had always been treated badly by the greater society so, when her parents had their first and only child they named her Even as in "get even".  In short, Even had very dark hearted and vengeful parents and they installed in their little a girl a general distrust and dislike of humanity.

Even now lives under a willow tree.  The willow tree became her home one day when she found a full sheet of plywood. Evidently, it had blown off of  a truck and slammed into Even as she walked along the highway.   No one stopped or came back for the plywood so when a couple of days later Even woke-up out of her coma she immediately realized that she had a new home.  Even dreamed of taking the sheet of plywood back to New Orleans with her and setting up a beach home on Lake Pontchartrain   However, the full sheet of plywood proved too heavy for Even to take back to Florida with her so she drug it into the woods and found a large willow tree.  Even then leaned the piece of plywood against the tree and had an instant home.

 When the sheet of plywood struck Even she had been on her way to Florida from Michigan.  Even always went to Florida during winter and came back to Northern Michigan each summer.  

 Even had always been a free spirit and never had settled down in a real home. She once owned a tent but it got blown away during that hurricane down in New Orleans.    Even lived several months living out in the open but, when that piece of plywood slammed into her head and torso her life changed forever.  

Even claims that while she was lying unconscious next to the highway she had an out-of-body experience.  While in that state of mind a space-alien came to her and granted her the ability of enchantment.  The space-alien told Even that whatever she enchanted with special powers would in fact have special powers.

Even didn't know what to make of her out-of-body experience but, she knew that she had to find someplace to build her new home.  After all, it's not everyday that a brand new house falls off a truck.  So, once Even found this large willow tree she set about building her home.  Even tried several different ways of leaning the plywood against the tree and finally settled for leaning the long edge against the trunk.  She didn't have any stand-up room but she had a large area in which she could move around.  She could even lay out flat on the ground to sleep just like she was staying in some sleeping in the backseat of someones parked car.

Well, Even happened to take up residence under the very willow tree where I and many of my colleagues got diving branches for willow witching.  Up to that time we had only had moderate luck at willow witching.  Unfortunately, we only got paid if we witched-out the exact thing our clients were looking for.  If I found a gold mine while willow witching when my client wanted me to find water then, I didn't get paid.

As I approached the willow Even sprang up from her home and asked "What are you doing here?"

I of course explained that I was a mystic psychic and I often used willow branches for divining things for people.

Even asked," what do you mean divining things for people?"

I said, "I divine things for people or find things for people using the enchantments of willow branches.  But, for some reason the enchantment of the willow branches seems to be a bit precarious.  Sometimes I find what I'm looking for and sometimes I don't."

"Enchantment you say," responded Even.  "I had a recent experience where a space alien came to me and granted me the ability of enchantment.  Go and grab a willow witching branch and I'll enchant it and we'll see if it improves your abilities as a diviner."

I didn't have anything to loose so I went and twisted off a forked willow branch and after peeling off the leaves I took it over to Even.  Even then set about licking the entire branch with her tongue.  I knew then that Even must be of Eastern European extraction since that is the sort of thing that I've heard that they do there.  I thought it was kind of gross but, where money is involved a trailer park psychic can't bee too choosy about how her things get enchanted.

"There you got," Even said to me as she handed me back my willow branch.  "It's all enchanted now."

Well, I took that very sticky branch back with me and used in on my next willow witching job.  I was supposed to find someones lost underwear with a picture of Elvis on the backside.  It was a long shot but my client had offered me $20 to find the underwear so I figured since he was willing to pay twice my normal rate that I was going to give it a go.  And guess what, I found the lost underwear.  It turned out the underwear had been stolen by a carnie-ride operator.  He was wearing the underwear when my willow branch pointed me into the bathroom at a McDonald's.  I burst into the bathroom and caught the man sitting on the potty while wearing the Elvis underwear on the wrong side.  When I explained to him that the gig was up he quickly pulled off the underwear and handed it over to me.  My client was so happy to get his Elvis underwear back that he gave me a two dollar bonus.

Well, it wasn't long before the word got out about Even's ability to enchant things.  People came from all over the county to get things enchanted.  From willow branches to my crystal balls, Even was busy with her enchanting.  Eventually, Even started charging a dollar per enchantment.   Soon Even was so rich that she could afford to buy another sheet of plywood.  Once that plywood was placed on the other side of that old willow tree Even knew she had just moved up several notches on the social scale.  For Even was now the proud occupant/owner of a double wide lean-to.  Even had achieved the American dream.

Eventually, the government heard about Even's talents so she was hired as a government contractor to supply enchanted willow branches to the Department of Homeland Security.   So, now at every airport instead of screening people and their luggage with x-rays there is actually a little person inside the old x-ray machine with a willow branch willow-witching everyone and everything moving through U.S. airports.
 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

MYSTIC MADAME MISTY MERKEL AND AND HER LOYAL READER

By Mystic Madame Misty Merkel
The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic

What are they putting in shampoo now days.  I washed my hair this afternoon and my hair was so greasy I thought it was full of motor oil.  Maybe I picked up the wrong stuff at the store.  I bought my shampoo at the gas station this morning when I walked down there to pick up a bottle of wine.  I shop there for most of my stuff since the gas station is just at the end of the trailer park.

Well anyway, I had to use laundry soap to get the grease out of my hair.  Now I've got a bad case of the frizzies.  I just hope that if any apparitions decide to communicate with me I won't scare them off.  It's hard to make a living getting information from the dead when your appearance scares them permanently back over to the otherside.  

Right now the wine I bought is beginning to kick-in so I should be going into a psychic trance anytime now.  I'm trying to find out what is going to happen next month so I can report it to my loyal readers:  Penny, Mary and Sam.    Penny is my neighbor down the street.  Mary and Sam are her two cats.  Penny is a really nice elderly lady.   Mary is a really nice cat but Sam is bipolar.  Sam will be all lovey-dovey then all of a sudden he'll bite you.  Everyone in the trailer park has had to get a tetanus shot because of that cat.  We all still put up with Sam because he is a really good mouser.  Sometimes he'll even get one of those big rats that hangs out at the gas station.

Well, I've got to get going into my trance.  Jimmy Stewart has some insider Hollywood gossip he wants to share with me.   I'm not too excited about it though.  He probably just wants to tell me about some actor forgetting their lines because they were out drinking the night before.

Monday, August 12, 2013

LOOK WHAT THE METEORITES DID TO MY CAT

By Mystic Madame Misty Merkel
Contributor:  Humor News Nuts Psychic News

That meteorite shower we had the other day must have been awesome to see.  I was in a trance speaking to spirits so I missed it.  However, my new little calico cat that lives under my trailer came home with glowing crap all over him.  It seems the meteorite burned up and a bunch of radioactive dust fell down all over everything outside.  I wouldn't have thought anything of it but then this morning my cat crawled out from underneath the trailer and looked like a 22 foot long python with just a little bit of calico fur sticking out around the mouth.  I went outside with a can of tuna to see if my kitty wanted anything to eat and he just hissed at me and stuck out his long pink tongue.

After that I decided I was not going to feed anymore stray cats.  They are just so ungrateful.    I realize that my kitty had been physically changed by the radiation from the meteorites but, still he had no business being rude to me after I had been sharing my tuna fish with him.  

Well, my kitty-python has moved on down to Mrs. Allen's trailer next door.  Maybe she might feed the creature but, I will not.  I haven't seen Mrs. Allen around lately so I haven't had a chance to ask her about the kitty-python.  Although, I think she must be feeding it well because the creature has a big bulge in it's belly that is at least five feet long.      


Sunday, August 4, 2013

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS AUGUST IS IN THE TOILET

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Resident Psychic
HNS Publications

I know it's August and summer for the most part is on it's last legs.  It's chilly in the mornings in Northern Michigan and summer squash leaves have a tinge of yellow in them.  I don't raise summer squash but my neighbor Barb does.  She brought me over some squash blossoms and told me to fry them.  She said that squash blossoms are delicious.  I never eat fried foods because then I've got a pan to wash so I just put the squash blossoms in the microwave.  Well, the blossoms pretty much disappeared.  It seems squash blossoms are all water and a microwave really evaporates water out of stuff.  I still told Bard the blossoms were delicious.  You don't want to tick-off your neighbors in a trailer park because most of them are heavily armed and the ones with the most guns are unemployed, drink heavily and raise squash just  to get some squash blossoms to fry.

I predict that August will be a relatively nasty month.  It will turn really cold suddenly and a lot of woodland animals looking for a winter home will be trying to gnaw a way into your trailer.   I already have some gnaw marks on my trailer.
 Chipmunks are especially prone to trailer gnawing.  What's really bad about chipmunks is that once they've gnawed into your trailer they immediately look for a toilet to take a swim in.  Chipmunks are notorious toilet swimmers.  If you catch them in the daytime swimming in your toilet you can just give them a nice flush out to the septic tank  where your former pet goldfish, guppies, turtles and hamsters reside.  However, if you happen to sit on the toilet at night without turning on the light and checking the toilet contents then you might be in for a  surprise.   I find the surprise to be offensive but, some might enjoy it.  It all depends on your point of view.

Well, enough with the toilet talk.  I have to get on with my predicting since that's what I'm paid to do.  So, my final prediction for August is that the U.S. Department of Agriculture will approve foot fungus as a natural food preservative for hot dogs.  This makes a lot of sense since most hot dogs are made up of powdered toenails and other foot related growths and excretions.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

THERE ARE VAMPIRES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Madam Mysty Merkel
Great Grand Psychic of Michigan
There are vampires in Northern Michigan. I am a psychic and I can detect their presence. They are also psychics but their psychic abilities go beyond reading minds. Vampires have the ability to control minds. That’s what makes them so dangerous. People are just unaware when the power of a vampire comes upon them. The vampire mind twists their very thoughts around so that they become the victims of the nefarious creatures or darkness.

Because of my strong psychic abilities, I am resistant to the powers of vampires. Vampires only have power over the extremely weak minded. That’s why most vampires live near the capital building in Washington D.C. Congressmen are just rich kids but, their daddy’s don’t think they are smart enough to run daddy’s business so daddy buys them a seat in the Congress or if daddy is really rich, the kid gets a set in the Senate..

Of course vampires recognize the way things are run but unfortunately for vampires, because their tissues are technically dead, vampires cannot have children. Hence, vampires have to control the bodies of legislatures whose minds are dead. It is the glorious irony of the ancient gods that the extremely smart vampires cannot have children yet the brain dead of the super elite can propagate continuously as they vote upon what should happen to their fellow human beings who were born to the working caste.

At any rate, there are vampires afoot. They may look gorgeous to the untrained eye but just remember that beautiful beast of a woman you see before you might look 22 years old but she just might be 22 hundred years old.

Friday, July 12, 2013

NORTHERN MICHIGAN PSYCHIC COMMENTS ON GNOMES, NUMBERS AND RABIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Humor New Nuts Associate Contributor

You know that I have been trying to be nice but I have a problem. 
I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem. But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.

Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course, to such critics I have to say that I am only predjudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.

Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes or, at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like a vampire or werewolf bite changes you into the creature that bites you, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, belive me boys and girls, being a gnome is not what you want to aspire to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostricised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostricised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.

The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will litterally give you rabbies (some say kooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth while standing over the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a busperson use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my exhusband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.

I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.

 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

PSYCHIC MISTY MERKEL CELEBRATES THE NATIONAL CHERRY FESTIVAL AND THE FORTH OF JULY

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Northern Michigan's Premiere Trailer Park Psychic

Well, another month has passed us by and now it's time for the Fourth of July. Pretty neat rhyme, right? Of course the 4th is going to be really spectacular this year. I went to the National Cherry Festival in Traverse City yesterday and sensed the presence of a lot of spirits. Most of them were hanging around the brew pubs so that's where I spent most of my day.

Getting back to my 4th of July predictions; the weather should be pretty nice. It might be a bit cloudy for the first part of the day but it should gradually clear up. At least that's what they said on the weather channel (sometimes I need a little help predicting the weather). The rest of the month should be fine. Of course I don't really care because I live in a trailer park and stay inside most of the time anyway. My neighbor has a goat and the goat keeps my lawn trimmed for free. Can't have any flowers though. I tried planting plastic whirligig yellow daisies and the goat chowed them down. Then, the goat had crude oil running out his behind for the next week. I'm not sure what happened to the metal rods that the daisies sat on. I know he ate them too.

Anyway, all this talk lately about running people down because you see them as different from yourself got me thinking. You see, for the last few months I've been saying terrible things about one group in particular and maybe well, I think I should be sorry for what I've been saying. I mean this particular group lives in my neighborhood and I see them and their children and old folks every time I look out the window. I know I should feel really bad about my descriptions of these creatures but, somehow I just can't bring myself around to feel that way. I am of course talking about gnomes, in particular garden gnomes. They're everywhere. They're all over peoples yards. Their in their gardens and I even see them in malls and stores often times sitting on the shelves just like they own the darn store. You know I think it takes a lot of guts to climb up on store shelves and harass customers as they walk by.

In general, my problem with gnomes is that they bite and, it really hurts when they bite. I know I seem prejudicial toward the little devils but, I have a hard time accepting them in my neighborhood. However, I am willing to try to change. I'm thinking about approaching the little critters this week and trying to talk to them. Maybe, direct communication is the way to get by our obvious cultural and physical differences. Of course the biting is another matter. Maybe I should try tossing some raw hamburger to them before I attempt to make friends. After all, that worked with my neighbor's dobermans. Now when they see me they wag their tails. Before that they barred their teeth. Of course I soaked the hamburger in vodka before I threw it to them. I would have soaked the hamburger in beer but I remembered my ex-husband use to get really mean whenever he drank beer so, I thought better of it.

I think I'll wear some boots because gnomes like to bite around the ankles. If they bite my boots it would be quaint, not painful. I just hope I don't get rabies if they break the skin. I had rabies back in high school when I got that hickey from my swimming coach. I didn't expect to get rabies or, the hickey for that matter. Believe me, the feelings were what you'd call unrequited. I expected a hug when I finished at that swim meet but, I dint think I'd get a bite on the neck too.  I

Anyway, wish me well with the gnomes and have a Happy Forth of July!

psychic mmmm              



Sunday, June 16, 2013

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MISTY MERKEL WISHES A HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO HER DAD

FATHER'S DAY

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

I thought I'd take a moment out of my very busy schedule to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day. I realize that because Father's Day falls on Sunday this year that he won't be reading this wish until sometime Monday, when he wakes up. My dad is a bartender and tends to do a great deal of product sampling on his Saturday night shifts. My dad then spends all day and night on Sunday recovering from his product sampling.

In talking about my dad I have to say that he is a man of many surprises. Like the time that kid showed up at the front door and told my mom that he was my dad's son. That was a surprise. The other three kids that showed up over the years at the front door claiming that my dad was their dad caught my mom off guard every time. Then, mom would take me and my sisters over to grandma and grandpa's house for a vacation. It wasn't much of a vacation since grandma and grandpa just lived four doors down the block. One time we stayed there for 2 years then, mom and dad had another wedding and we all finally came home from our vacation.

Of course my dad is also a man of great generosity. My dad paid each of the mothers of the kids that showed up at the door money to pay for raising the kids. In fact, he's still paying money to the mother of the youngest kid.

I just can't say enough about my dad on Father's day but, I'm starting to tear up now so, Happy Father's Day daddy and may you get all the things you deserve.

Sincerely,

Your daughter Misty

Saturday, June 15, 2013

IS THERE A SPACE MONKEY SPHINCTER CONTAGION?

PSYCHIC MADAM MYSTIC MISTY MERKEL

Space Monkeys

I hate to keep talking about space monkeys but recently a young man read a posting I made somewhere and said (in an indelicate way) that he had space monkeys flying out his behind. Of course I started an inquiry with my friends regarding space monkeys coming out of the behind area and low and behold many of them said (in a very indelicate way), that they had the same problem.

I became very concerned that maybe there was an epidemic starting so, I asked my gynaecologist if she knew anything about it. She said that she had read in a recent medical journal that space monkeys were flying out of some peoples sphincters and she was not sure if it was contagious or not. My doctor went on to say that scientists believe that the space monkey rectum disease is caused by an accumulation of dark matter and a gravity produced black hole-vortex occurring in the lower intestine. I do not know what my doctor was really saying since I did not get good enough grades to go to community college like she did. I had to go to beauty college and it took me 7 years to get my certificate (a couple of customer lawsuits kind of got me held back a few times).

Anyway, watch out for space monkeys. They evidently have mastered the mysteries of black holes and dark matter.

Friday, May 24, 2013

WHEN THINGS GOT "FUZZY"

By Psychic Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic

Today my good friend President Nixon stopped by the trailer to wish me a happy Memorial Day Holiday.  He said there was going to be a really big celebration on the other side and that if I happened to get killed in a car wreck or something this weekend, I would be invited.   I thanked him for the invitation but told him I had to decline on the grounds that I had other plans.    My other plans of course were related to not being killed in a "car wreck or something" this weekend.   I just hope he wasn't so offended that I never get invited to anything again.  Some spirits are like that you know, vengeful.  Ending up on some spooks enemies list is really the last thing I want to do.

 I'm still a little creeped out over the invite so I've decided not to go anywhere this weekend.    I'll just hang out here in the trailer park and watch Teddy set off some of his homemade dynamite out in the street.  Last year he set the dynamite off too close to his trailer and blew- up his back bedroom.  He lost six chickens and a pig which he kept housed in that back bedroom.  No one cared about those nasty loud chickens he had but I was kind of fond of that pig.   I did get a nice slab of back bacon that came slamming though my screen door.  I probably should have gave  the back bacon back to Teddy but, “finders keepers” as they say.     Besides, I had to replace the piece of plastic in my screen door window and it cost me a small fortune for the duct tape.  Of course, I duct-taped that piece of plastic in my screen door real good so even a cannon ball will bounce back off of it.  (Teddy fires off his cannon on the Fourth of July).

Well, as I said I'm going to stay put this weekend right here at the trailer park.  Now my prediction for next month is that an asteroid is going to hit somewhere.  My mind was a little fuzzy when I was in my last trance so it might not quite be an asteroid hitting somewhere.  It could be an asterisk being misplaced somewhere.  It could also be an aster being picked somewhere.  Like I said things have been really fuzzy around here.  It started when that trailer down the street that had all those young guys living in it, blew-up.   There was this terrible haze and an awful bathroom chemical smell.  Then, a lot of people in astronaut suits showed up and took the young guys away in a bunch of police cars.   I don't remember much after that.  That's about the time things got fuzzy.       

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS MAY

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Associate,
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, May has begun. As far as the weather is concerned I predict that May will be the warmest month so far this year. I further predict that there will be less snow in May then there was in January. My weather predictions are said to be "uncanny" and "always right-on" so, you can take my prediction for May to the bank.

When it comes to politics, I predict that the ghost of Lincoln will be haunting the Lincoln bedroom at the White House. Specifically, he'll be lying down in his bed next to any guest who ventures to stay overnight in that room. Just be warned if you do stay in Lincoln's bed this month that ghosts have really cold feat and tend to snore often and loud . They also tend to use the bathroom a lot so they're in and out of bed all night long. Flatulence is also a problem for many old ghosts. I don't know what ghosts eat but it goes without saying that the louder the thunder the worse the odor.

For you sportsmen out there I have a really important prediction for you; there will be an incredible number of Big Foots hatching out of eggs this spring. Since Big Foots grow to full adult size in less than six weeks by next fall the numbers of Big Foots taken by hunters, I will predict right now, hit a new all time record in the State of Michigan. Personally, I don't like to eat Big Foot meat however, I do like to eat the eggs. The eggs are just Divine when scrambled in real butter and Christmas eggnog just isn't quite right without using Big Foot eggs to make it. Yum, Yum, Yum!!! So, good luck hunters and remember me if you get one that's full of eggs. Remember, Big Foot eggs are best before they are laid. The ones already laid in a nest tend to be a bit on the rubbery side.

Now, I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem.  But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.

Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course to such critics I have to say that I am only prejudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.

Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like vampires or werewolves, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, believe me boys and girls, a gnome is not what you want to shrink down to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostracised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostracised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.

The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will literally give you rabies (some say cooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth at the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a bus person use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my ex husband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.

I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.

 

Monday, April 1, 2013

APRIL SNOW MAKES TIME GO SLOW

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

Well, we have another fun month upon us. I'm afraid it is going to be another cold one. The evil winter spirits just don't seem to want to give it up this year. The bad weather this year is like my second husband;  it just won't go away. Most of my boyfriends have been like that too, excepting of course the ones I really like. Over in England I guess they call liking someone who hates you an unrequited love. Here in Northern Michigan we call that a country- western song. Of course in some parts of Michigan they call it a polka. I don't think I really want to go there. Now down in Motown they call it rhythm and blues. Whatever it's called I've been there just about every other week since junior high.

Anyway, the weather is going to stink until about the last week of April. I do see May, June, July and August as being much warmer months than April. My accuracy in predicting the weather is really pretty good. Just wait and see.

In politics I predict that the thumb part of the state of Michigan will try to secede from the union. They will try to create a super libertarian state known as East Thumbia. There will be no taxes there and universal health care for those that can afford it. The national flag will portray a naked 400 lb man smoking a cigarette, holding a can of sugary pop in one hand and a sack of potato chips in the other. The state motto will be "Health, Who Needs It". It sounds like they're going to use my second husband as the mascot on their flag. 

It will be hoped for by the people of East Thumbia that their new nation will be able to attract tourists from all over the world. The main souvenir sold there will be a Lake Huron Salmon thermometer. Salmon in the great lakes are excellent natural thermometers due to their high mercury content.

In sports, the Detroit Tigers are going to start playing baseball while on the field. In past seasons they tried a "curling" strategy when playing offense which clearly did not work for them. The guy running the bases kept getting tripped up by the guy with the broom. Not a pretty sight in any sport.

Well, I don't have much else to say. Just be wary of those dog gone garden gnomes. They'll be popping up soon as they return from vacationing down south in Cadillac. They'll be showing off the nice tans they have while the rest of us up North have pasty white skin like we're just a bunch of winter zombies up here. 
 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

A PSYCHIC NIGHT AT THE OPERA

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
By Madam Misty Merkel
The weather is going to remain hot and dry and unfortunately, I predict a record number of forest fires this year. Global temperatures will continue to rise and the North Pole will disappear. That’s not my prediction. It’s just as I sit here I’m reading the global warming prediction off the back of a cereal box. I guess this global warming thing means that igloos will be a thing of the past just like the VCR. I always wanted to build an igloo to live in. I guess I’ll never get the chance. I also need a VCR since I have about 500 tapes of old TV shows I’d like to watch again someday.

I am predicting that Interlochen Arts Academy will have a great season this year. That has some really cool concerts with a variety of musicians. A lot of arts places just play like opera music. I once had a friend named George that insisted that I go to an opera with him. I went but when I got there I wished I had not. Everyone there was dressed up real fancy and I just wore a pair of slacks and a blouse. I figured everyone would be looking up at the stage and not at each other in the audience.

As far as the music goes they did have some pretty good tunes especially, the music that the orchestra played before the singing began. For me the entertainment was pretty much over once the singers took the stage. For one thing they didn’t speak English. George told me they were singing in Italian. He told me that most operas were sung in Italian or German. I told him that if they were singing in a language other than American English they needed a screen up on stage with sub-titles in English. I’m part German but, except for the words to “Auld Lang Seine” I can’t speak another word of that language.

Another problem I had with the singing is that the singers all sang different stuff at the same time so ,even if you had an Italian to English translating manual in your hand you could never flip though the pages fast enough to look up all the different words that were bantered about at the same time. It wasn’t long and I was getting a headache. My head ached even more since the two characters that seemed to be constantly singing (a man and a woman), seemed to hold on to their high notes way too long. If they did that where I live the dog catcher would be right their to haul them off to the pound. Those opera singers needed to take some singing lessons from Willie Nelson. He knows when to let go of a note at just the right time.

Finally, George noticed that I was getting real fidgety so he explained the plot to me. It seems the opera was about a husband and wife and they were fighting. Of course I guess in Italy people sing at each other when they fight. Where I come from they yell and throw things at each other like empty beer cans. Most people have a lot of empty beer cans sitting all around their house so, that makes the empties the most convenient thing to throw. Of course no one would ever dream of throwing a full can of beer at someone because it might pop open and then a whole can of beer would go to waste.

The end of the opera was really depressing. It seems everyone just killed themselves and that was the end. I could kind of understand why they did what they did. After sitting threw the whole show I was starting to think of doing the same. Actually, I really wanted to kill George for talking me into going to the opera. I did not understand the words at all or the plot very well. On top of that I was humiliated since everyone stared at me because of the way I was dressed. I was also humiliated in one other way. You would think that in a big room like that no one would be able to hear someone like me out in the audience blow their nose. Well, everyone heard me and I think I got “Shushed” by the whole audience.

P.S. I have a suggestion for the opera operators. They should let the audience bring in pop and pop corn during the opera. The operators could make more money like during a boring movie, at least the audience could keep itself entertained by eating. That’s just some food for thought.

Friday, March 1, 2013

BEWARE THE LEPRECHAUNS OF MARCH

BY MYSTIC PSYCHIC MADMAN MISTY MERKEL

Well, February was a month of surprises. Take those two space rocks that almost destroyed the earth. I bet you didn't see them coming. I certainly didn't and I'm supposed to be a world famous psychic. Of course the reality is that planet earth was under attack by a nasty space monkey trying to get revenge for some past problem he had with Cape Canaveral. All I have to say is "get over your problem space monkey". A grudge is something for losers. If you really want to get even with someone you need to get a gypsy to put a curse on them. Believe me a gypsy curse is very effective. I've had several of them placed on me and I haven't been able to break any of them yet.

The weather in March is going to be cold and nasty. Of course the first day of spring will be here on St. Patrick's Day. I won't be drinking any green beer this year because when I do my skin turns green (that's one of those gypsy curses I was talking about).

March of course, is when you have to watch out for leprechauns. It's a myth that leprechauns are actually dangerous. They will bite and scratch if you get them in a corner but most of the time they are just nasty little practical jokers. One thing they like to do is offer to make coffee for you. Now you might think they are going to add some of their best whisky to the coffee to make it "Irish" style. But, what they will do is add laxative to the coffee and then after you've downed about a half a pot the leprechaun will insist on going for a long drive way out in the boonies. Of course once you're way out ten miles from any toilet well, that's when the laxative really kicks in. I tell you what, I'm not falling for that again this year. After I drink the leprechauns coffee I'm not leaving my trailer. I'm gong to have the last laugh this year.

Monday, February 4, 2013

MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS BETTER WEATHER IN ALPENA

FEBRUARY PREDICTIONS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

Well, January is over and boy was that some kind of a month?  Every time I hung my wash outside all my stuff would freeze solid.  I had to start hanging my laundry out to dry because the laundry mat raised their dryer prices again by a quarter for every ten minutes.  You’d think they were importing hot air from Miami.  If we are getting the hot air from Miami you would think we could trade them for it with some cold air from up here.  Maybe we could have a pipeline of cold air going down to Florida to cool things off and a hot air pipeline heading up here to make our trailers nice and toasty.  Well, it is just a thought.

Anyway, I'm going to predict February is going to be better than January.  I believe it should go by more quickly.  I also predict warmer weather in Alpena.  I've never been to Alpena but it has an exotic sounding name so I mention Alpena whenever I can so that people think I hang out in exotic places.  My friend Herman works at the gas station on Tuesdays (that's when he's out of jail on work release), and he says that once in a while some really well dressed folks from Alpena stop in for some gas and air for their front tires.  Herman says the tires have slight leaks but it's because they are on the bald side that the people probably don't fix them.  Herman says rich people are like that.  They always drive around with bald tires so they can dress-up in nice cloths.    

This year I am not expecting the great lakes to freeze over but we will be getting more snow than normal for the toboggan runs.  I expect every hill in northern Michigan will be full of toboggans.  Of course when you hit a tree with a toboggan it turns into snow boards.  Legend has it that the mighty lumberjack named Jimbo Jones III invented snowboarding when his toboggan loaded with freshly felled white pine logs ran into a really big tree and shattered into a million boards.  Well, along came a big foot looking for lumberjack meat to eat and Jimbo quickly jumped onto a board and glided all the way south to Saginaw before the big foot monster stopped chasing him.    

My further predictions are for all you sportsmen out there.  Fishing in Lake Michigan is going to be not so good this month unless of course you’re using dynamite or some kind of depth charges.  Hunting with guns, bows and traps will be just fair in February but, those of you into picking up road kill are going to have a real record month for harvested game.  Skunks and otters will be the main critters taken in this month’s road kill harvest.  Of course just remember to parboil the otter meat until the meat turns a creamy yellow and use lots of tomato juice to take the gamey taste out of the skunk meat.  Personally, I prefer adding a can of cream-of-mushroom soup to all wild meat and a couple pounds of onions and a clove of garlic for each prepared pound of wild game helps to hide those flavors you might deem to be nasty. Now a fresh bottle of Mogen-David wine can help settle your stomach after gorging on wild game obtained from Michigan’s roads and highways. Myself, I prefer to drink a bottle of wine before I start eating wild game.  It seems to greatly improve the overall dining experience and provides for an ambiance that otherwise might be lacking in my trailer’s kitchenette.   

Well, good luck for the coming month and happy Valentine’s Day to all you romantics out there.

Monday, January 7, 2013

MY INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT NIXON

By Madam Misty Merkel
The other day I was cleaning up my kitchen when I heard knocking at the door. I opened it and saw it was former President Richard M. Nixon. “Hello Madam Misty,” said the former president. “I was just in the area visiting one of my old Haunts when I decided to stop in and say hello.”

“Well, hello and come on in,” I said. “The place is a mess. I was just cleaning up the kitchen a little bit.”

“Don’t worry about it Madam Misty,” replied the President. “I visited Beethoven a few weeks ago and there is no worse housekeeper than a musician. All they care about is writing down notes and waving their arms around; pretending to be conducting an orchestra. Most musicians are bit nuts if you ask me.”

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked.

“No Madam Misty you see on earth I’m just an apparition so, I can’t drink or eat anything here. But, just wait until I get back to my own dimension. The food and drinks are just great there.”

“I take it that you must have gone to heaven and not the other place,” I said.

Nixon looked down at the ground for a moment as he seemed to be searching for his next words. “You see Madam Misty,” Nixon began,” Heaven and Hell are really not what you might think. Heaven and Hell are really just concepts of how you view the world around you. You understand that after you pass over you are judged for your deeds and misdeeds in this life and are rewarded in kind. The thing is there is no absolute great place called Heaven or another terrible place called Hell. In fact, we all live in a dormitory that has seven floors. The bottom floor is where people that are not very good go and the 7th floor is what you might call heaven, hence the name “7th Heaven.”

Then I said, “I always thought the name “7th Heaven” came from a TV show. What about people that are really bad? Do they live in the same dorm?”

“Not quite,” answered Nixon. “For example, I live on the 3rd floor. It is not the top floor so I don’t have as nice view. I can watch the pretty girls sunbathe on the lawn out my window that is, if I were interested in watching pretty girls. My wife Pat would frown on my doing such a thing. No, I just take my dog Checkers for a walk everyday. But, getting back to the dorm structure you see it was designed by Chairman Mao. It seems that he did such a great job of organizing China into a world class superpower that he was given the job of designing heaven. He of course created the dormitory system with the best people living on the top floor and the very worst of society living in the basement.

I live on the 3rd floor which is not 7th Heaven however, it is not the basement. I’m hoping that my old boss and running mate President Eisenhower can use his clout to eventually move me up to the 7th floor where he is staying. I’ve heard they have a great piano bar there and Karen Carpenter performs there every day. My, she always had the voice of an angel.”

“So, what about the basement?” I asked. “What kind of people are down there?”

“Well, Madam Misty you really don’t want to go down to the basement. Unfortunately, that is where the laundry room is located. People on the top couple of floors have lots of perks like pickup laundry service. Down where I’m at you have to do your own which means every week you have to trudge down to the basement for a few hours. Last week Hitler and Mussolini grabbed my favorite boxer shorts and played “keep away” with me. They never did give them back and they were a gift from Kissinger. They were genuine silk with red, white and, blue vertical stripes on them. They had a big red heart on the backside. He got them made special just for me in Taiwan before we kicked them out of the U.N. and invited in mainland China. I tried to get my boxer shorts back by meeting with my floor’s Resident Assistant (RA) but, he said he could not really do anything about the rowdies down in the basement. I guess I’m going to have to wash my boxer shorts in my bathroom sink from now on. I’d like to get General Patton to go down and kick the behinds of Hitler and Mussolini but, General Patton is stuck in limbo on the elevator for one thousand years. I guess he slapped some angel when he first got to the dorm.”

President Nixon looked at his watch and said,” I see it’s getting late and time for me to go. Hope to see you again soon Madam Misty and, by the way, Elvis says ’Hi’.” The president got up and made his way out the door.

“Goodbye Mr. President,” I said, “and say hello to Elvis for me when you see him.”

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

PSYCHIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS 2013

"I Got Tongued By A Zombie"   
By Psychic Madam Misty Merkel

I just want to say to all of you "Happy New Year"! Of course if you drive a motorized vehicle please don't drink and drive. And, if you drive a non-motorized vehicle eat plenty of breath mints before starting for home. Last year a friend of mine got busted for swerving around too much on his skateboard as he came home from a New Year's Eve Party. This was his fourth offense so I don't think he'll ever be getting his skateboard back.

This year I decided to spend New Year's Eve at a movie theatre. It was a pretty good movie but this creepy guy who was sitting next to me turned out to be a zombie. I know he was a zombie because about halfway through the movie he stuck his tongue in my ear. I think he was trying to eat my brains. I then gave him a fist in the forehead and left the theatre. I hurried home to make sure that he did not leave any bite marks. I know that if a zombie bites you and breaks the skin then you will for sure turn into one of them. Luckily, I did not find any marks and I haven't started to change yet and it has been three hours since I got tongued.

I think that I am safe because I have never seen any movies or TV shows where people turn into zombies after being tongued in the ear. I did wash my ear out with some alcohol just to make sure that I killed off any residual zombie germs. I also had a few glasses of Mogen David just to make sure my blood stream was immunized from zombie germs. The wine also helps me get all tranced-up so I can easily make my predictions for 2013.

I'm pretty much in a trance right now so I will begin my predictions. First of all, the markets will be in turmoil all year long because of economic uncertainties in Europe and the U.S. Of course most of the economic problems will stem from an alien invasion that will happen sometime in the second fiscal quarter. I'm not really sure what a "fiscal" is but I do know what a quarter is. I just hope I have enough quarters lying around my trailer so I can go pick-up another bottle of wine tomorrow. (I need to keep my blood sanitized after being tongued in the ear by a zombie).

The biggest problem most people will have to face this year is an outbreak of mini-gargoyles in the spring. The little pests seem to hatch out every spring during the rainy season and will bite you every time you go outside. The bites are not even that bad but the terrible scratching that occurs just drives me insane.  Some people claim that the mini-gargoyles are really just mosquitoes but, my granddad told me that they were gargoyles and he was pretty wise.  He'd be alive today if he would have left that woman alone.  (Her gun dealer husband was a very jealous man.)   

The big-foot hunting season should be excellent this year. There will be a bumper crop of big-foot eggs in Michigan so there should be plenty of these hairy beasts to shoot and toss on the grill. Personally, the only good part of the big-foot to eat are the steaks. The rest of their meat is just too gamy for me. There is also so much sinew in most of the meat that you feel like you're flossing when you pull out the long strings that get stuck between your teeth.  .

Well, 2013 is going to be a heck of a year. My bottle of wine is dry and my predictions have dried up as well. Just remember to keep those zombies from sticking their tongue in your ear. I was lucky but you might just find your brains being scooped out of your skull the next time you are watching a movie at the theatre and you may not even notice it until you've gotten back home and try to remember if you put the cat out or not. Most of the time you would not even miss your brains but a few times a day something comes up that requires you to remember something like putting the cat out.  Right now I can't remember if I have a cat or a dog.  Sometimes wine makes me feel like a zombie must have eaten my brains.    

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