MADAM MERKEL HAS 2016 ELECTION VISION

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Yesterday I asked my Petoskey stones "who is going to be the next president of the United States?"  After I asked my stones the question I lit some incense I bought from a local Michigan Incense Dispensary and drank a bottle of wine while I waited for the spirits of the stones to answer my question.  It took about an hour then, suddenly, I fell into a deep trance and had a vision. 

Now, in my vision I pictured a large St Bernard crossing a river called the Rubicon.  And, after the St. Bernard crossed this river he got into an expensive American Motors sports car called a Matador and sped up a very large, steep hill.  About halfway up this hill the St. Bernard put his car on cruise control and then the big old dog started barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump..." until finally, the St. Bernard swerved off the side of the road and went crashing down toward the bottom of the hill and all the while the dog was still barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump...".  

Then, I woke up from my trance and found myself lying on my back on top of my trailer looking up a sky full of stars.  Now, all this would have been strange enough except that this little chipmunk hopped up on top of my foot and then ran all the way up my body to my nose where he stopped and looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Do you have any more of that incense?  I and my friends have been watching you for the last four hours and we'd kind of like to join your party.  The squirrels offered us some rotten old decomposed acorns to burn for incense but, the acorn incense just gives us headaches and make our noses run."

BLING IS THE THING TO MAKE THE SPIRITS SING

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Markel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I can't stress enough the need to wear lots of bling for good luck. I wear rings on all my fingers and toes. I also have bracelets from my wrist to my elbow. And why wear earrings if they don't dangle down to your shoulders. Of course most of my bling is gold. I mean it's gold colored not real gold. I buy my stuff at rummage sales. In order to get real gold you have to go to one of those fancy pawn shop type stores. Who has the money for that?

Anyway, the spirits don't seem to mind. Just like my boyfriends, spirits don't know gold from the hole in the ground they crawled out of. Yesterday I had four different spirits stop in just to find out when I got my cat's eye ring. That's a cat's eye stone on a ring for my finger and not a ring through my eyeball. I'm not going to get pierced all over like the teenagers do now days. It's bad enough I got a tattoo that says "I Love Wally" tattooed on the back of my neck. Wally has been dead for 18 years and the ladies at the hair salon ask me how's Wally doing?". It just brings back sad memories.

Anyway, I went to the casino last week and won a hundred bucks on the slot machines. My bling was making the spirits sing because I parlayed my hundred bucks into a one hundred and fifteen bucks on the black jack table. I only wished I had some ponies to bet on. Wally and I used to go to the track and bet on the ponies. He bet on ponies and was a jockey at the same time. He always had me bet everything on a horse he was not ridding and sure enough, Wally never rode a winning horse but, we made lots of money. Funny how he knew the horse he rode would never win. I guess he was physic too. Not so physic though to know he would be thrown off a horse named Evil Knockers. Poor Wally had his head split open like a watermelon on the 4th of July.

Anyway, wear lots of bling and you'll hear those spirits sing. At least you'll hear those slot machines sing and quarters ding. I must have written 500 words by now so I can quit and hang out with my bling at the beach.
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WEIRD SISTERS MAKE PRESIDENTIAL PREDICTION

Chili of the Weird Sisters

TRAILER OF THE WEIRD SISTERS

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

I've decided to find out once and for all who is going to be the president.  I've used all my psychic abilities to try to see into the future but alas, I just can’t get a clear picture on this one so, I've decided to use the nuclear option on this one and go down the street to the trailer of the weird sisters; My direct psychic competitors, and divine from them the outcome of this election.  

I suppose I should give you a bit of background regarding the Weird Sisters and I have to say that "weird" hardly describes them.  The sisters are not considered weird because they have always lived together, never married or even dated and, spend all their time cooking and eating.  You see in my trailer park there are lots of sisters living together to share expenses like rent, have a roommate they can trust and spend a lot of time cooking and eating what they cook.  Luckily, most of these sisters like to give out samples of their cooking to neighbors who like myself, don't like to cook but, still like to eat good stuff.

That all said, the weird sisters are considered weird because of the demonic powers they seem to draw from the chili that they coagulate in a large black cauldron in front of their trailer every afternoon on All Hollow’s Eve. 

Well, this year I went down to visit the weird sisters to find out from them if a man or a woman would be sleeping in the White House after this year’s election for president. I did not want to ask the weird sisters the name of the person who would be sleeping in the white house because they would just give me some indirect answer anyway.

As luck would have it all three weird sisters were busily stirring their wicked chili together when I approached them on All Hollow’s Eve.

“Hi Morgen, Zorgon and Dorgon.  How are the sisters Gorgon doing today?”  I addressed them by their first names and their last name, Gorgon.”

“The sisters Gorgon are doing very well on this most festive of holidays." replied Morgan, "We are preparing our chili for the potluck that our place of worship is having this evening.  Would you like a little taste of it in a bowl?”

“It smells so delicious I can’t help but take a sample of it, thank you,” I said.  All three sisters were on the chunky side.  No doubt they did a lot of sampling of their creations as they concocted them.  This of course made me feel very safe to taste their food since they obviously did a lot of tasting themselves.

Morgon then said, “We have to first say a little word over our chili and add the final ingredients before we can give you a sample Madam Merkel.  Do you have a few minutes?”

“No problem,” I said.

“Well sisters, let’s begin now,” Morgan said as each sister held up by a thumb and forefinger a part of the final ingredients. 

The sisters then began a short incantation with each sister reciting exactly one sentence and then releasing their ingredient into the chili.

“Wing of bat,” Morgan said as she released from between her thumb and index finger what looked to be a rodent wing.

“Tail of rat,” said sister Zorgon as she released a long hair string like tail into the chili.

“Eye of Nat,” said weird sister Dorgan as she released the thing that really creeped me out, a very real looking human eyeball.” 

Then the sister chanted the following incantation:

“Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, and boil

The bear and chief inspector,

The election totals they will spoil.” 

Well, I was just shocked.  I couldn’t believe it and I just had to say something, 

“Hey sisters,” I said, “That looked like a real human eye that you dropped into your chili.  What’s up with that?”

“Well, that was an eye from Jerry Nathan who lives down the road,” responded Zorgon.

“You mean one-eyed Willie,” I asked.

“The same,” answered Dorgon.

“So now one-eyed Willie doesn’t have any eyes left and can’t see at all?” I proclaimed.

“Naw,” responded Morgon “that was his glass eye.  Every year he lets us use it in our potluck Halloween social down at our church.  The person who gets the surprise in their chili, the eyeball, wins the jackpot which is a brand new vacuum cleaner courtesy of the second hand store in Chum’s Corners.  And, our course if you’re wondering, in order to claim the prize,   someone has to give up the eyeball and then we return it to Jerry along with all our sisterly love and affections for his good and charitable lending of his eyeball to our good cause.”

“Wow, that’s a relief,” I remarked to the weird sisters.  “Can I have a bowl of you delicious chili now?” I asked.  I was actually getting quite hungry and I was intending to go out trick or treating later on that evening.

Weird sister Morgan then used a ladle to place some very chunky looking chili into a porcelain bowl and then Morgan handed me the bowl along with a plastic spoon to eat it with.  She then kindly handed me a few oyster crackers which I then dropped on top of my homemade chili. 

“Well, this looks delicious,” I said.  “Too bad I don’t have any cheese,”

Unfortunately, we just don’t have that,” responded Dorgon with a sigh, “But, if you wait a few hours you’ll be making your own cheese.”

We all broke out in a very loud laugh.  Dorgan’s joke was just so funny. Then, I started stirring around my chili with my plastic spoon and found that it seemed to have a lot of flakes of what looked like skin in it along with pieces of intestine looking worms.  “What’s all this stuff in my chili?” I asked.

“You must be referring to the pedestrian roadkill that we add to our chili.  It’s really just like zucchini. The roadkill does not have much taste but, it’s really good filler.  Otherwise our chili would be too strongly flavored by tomatoes and taste like everyone else’s chili”.

“Oh, that sounds alright,” I responded.  “I just didn’t want to be eating something weird.  Something that, no one in Northern Michigan hasn’t eaten before.

After I was done eating I handed my empty bowl and spoon back to the weird sisters. The chili was delicious but, it could have had more salt for my liking but I didn’t want to say anything insulting before I got my presidential prediction from the weird sisters.  

“Thank you kind sisters for a taste of your wonderful chili,” I said. “I didn’t get any eyeball so I guess I won’t get a prize.”

Then Morgan said, “You should come to our potluck tonight Madam Merkel.  You might win the big prize and it only cost a five dollar donation to sample all the chili’s there.”

“I’d love to come,” I said, “but, I’m going trick-or-treating tonight with a friend. Say, I do have a large favor to ask you sisters though.”

“Anything for you Madam Merkel,” replied Morgan.

Well sisters Gorgon, as you probably know there is a presidential election going on and I am having a hard time predicting it and I was wondering if you couldn’t help me out by giving me your prediction.

“No problem,” replied Gorgon. Then, the three weird sister each grabbed hold of the long ladle that sat in their chili and began stirring it together.  After a few seconds the sisters chanted together the following:  

“After a campaign so much contested, where evil shouts and good protested, within the White House it shall keep, a man and woman will lightly sleep.”

After that I walked back to my trailer racking my brain to decipher the Gorgons prediction.  Then, it came to me. Finally, I had my answer.  I can now say with complete certainty that the presidential   candidate who wins will share the White House with their spouse.  Those weird sisters are pretty amazing.   No wonder I lose so much psychic prediction business to them.  I just wonder who got one-eyed Willie's eye in their bowl of chili?  Of course, maybe no one got One-eyed Willie's eye.  But, does that mean we are all in the jackpot?                                                  

I’M LEARNING ASTROLOGY SO I CAN READ THE SIGNS

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Humor News Nuts Associate Writer

A couple of weeks ago I went online to sign up for astrology classes.  I just be I could double my income if I could read the signs of the zodiac and predict peoples futures that way.  AT least that’s what the online advertisement said so for $199.99 with a money back guarantee I decided I had nothing to do but sign up for the course.

Now many of you are probably asking “Madam Misty, “Why are you bothering with doing astrological signs when you’re already the best psychic in the country?”  Well, as I said before I want to double my income and no matter how big the crystal balls are that I use I just can’t seem to generate enough traffic to my trailer.  The neighbor down the street told me I’d be better off just hanging a red lantern in front of my trailer. I really don’t like that particular neighbor very much.  Nobody in the neighborhood likes her.  She’s always sneaking around cutting peoples flowers off and sticking them in a vase that she displays in her front window.  It’s like she’s bragging about how she went and stole everyone’s nice pretty flowers.   Of course the flowers wither right down a couple of days after she steals them.  I think it must be her bad breath that kills them.

That particular neighbor is awfully tight.  When she’s in the bathroom everyone in the trailer park knows it because her septic tank empties right out into her backyard.  She is so stingy she won’t even pay to have the thing pumped.  All the residents even  pitched in to raise enough money to pump her septic tank for her but, when presented with the money she just said thank you and went back inside of her trailer.  The next week she had a satellite dish installed and she never did pump the stinking septic tank. So much for neighborhood picnics.

Now, as far as my astrology classes they are a lot tougher then I thought they’d be.  The tests are all open book so you can look the answers up but, you have to put the answers down in your own words.  I was thinking when I bought the class that the tests might be true or false or at least multiple-guess.  These ones where you have to write out stuff are a lot harder especially when you can’t just copy the stuff the same way it is written out in the text.  Instead, it’s like in high school when you have to scramble the words around in each sentence so it sounds like you made the words up and just didn’t recopy them.  

You know that in high school I did pretty well.  I would have been in the top half of the class except there were about a hundred people ahead of me vying for that top half of the class position. There were only 220 kids that graduated in my high school class. My sisters Christie and Twisty graduated below me in the class but yet, they are down enjoying the  sun in Miami while I’m stuck here up here in the North.  Well, like they say “it’s better to be born lucky than smart”.

APRIL PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS

Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Contributor 

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

April Fool's Day has been relatively uneventful here in my trailer park.  A couple of gunshots and the police and ambulance that came racing into here today are the only interesting events to happen.  Of course, someone is always getting shot, stabbed, bludgeoned and/or arrested in my trailer park.  A social scientist once made of study of the park to see why this particular trailer park had some many brutal crimes committed in it.  The social scientist concluded that the violent crime rate was high here because the lot rent is too cheap.  The scientist said that because we were only paying $60 a month for lot rent that a lot of non-working violent criminal types occupied most of the lots.   The scientist said that other trailer parks had much less violent crime because the people in them paid $200+ per month for a lot.  Now, when the park manager heard this he immediately raised the lot rent up to $200 per month.  That resulted in the manager getting beat up and then, the manager dropped the lot rent back down to $60 per month.  Evidently, that over educated social scientist did not understand the following economic law of supply and demand:  No matter what the supply is, if you charge too much you're going to get your greedy butt kicked.  This economic law is especially true if you're dealing with mostly violent criminal types.

Anyway, I predict that April will be a good month for commodities.  Butter will be something people should stock up on because May is going to be a big month for deep-fat fried butter.  Oh, is that so good!  I think I'll fry some butter as soon as I'm done with this column.  You know it might be a good idea to stock up on plastic baskets to drop into the deep fat fryer.  I usually go through four or five plastic baskets every time I make deep fat fried butter.  

I also predict for April a real increase in government deportations.  Now, even though I was born in Kalamazoo Michigan I've been picked up and deported 14 times.  I was deported twice to Mexico, twice to Canada, once to New Zealand and nine times to Ohio.  The funny thing is is that I got back to Michigan really easy from all my destinations except for Ohio.  The machine gunner nests and landmine fields down along the Michigan-Ohio border are really had to navigate through.  The last time I crossed that border I thought I got nicked by a bullet and lost part of my left ear but luckily, it was just an earring that got shot out but, boy did it hurt.  I'm just glad it was a clip-on and came off real easy.  Still, it hurt a lot.              

BEWARE THE LEPRECHAUNS OF MARCH

BY MYSTIC PSYCHIC MADMAN MISTY MERKEL

Well, February was a month of surprises. Take those two space rocks that almost destroyed the earth. I bet you didn't see them coming. I certainly didn't and I'm supposed to be a world famous psychic. Of course the reality is that planet earth was under attack by a nasty space monkey trying to get revenge for some past problem he had with Cape Canaveral. All I have to say is "get over your problem space monkey". A grudge is something for losers. If you really want to get even with someone you need to get a gypsy to put a curse on them. Believe me a gypsy curse is very effective. I've had several of them placed on me and I haven't been able to break any of them yet.

The weather in March is going to be cold and nasty. Of course the first day of spring will be here on St. Patrick's Day. I won't be drinking any green beer this year because when I do my skin turns green (that's one of those gypsy curses I was talking about).

March of course, is when you have to watch out for leprechauns. It's a myth that leprechauns are actually dangerous. They will bite and scratch if you get them in a corner but most of the time they are just nasty little practical jokers. One thing they like to do is offer to make coffee for you. Now you might think they are going to add some of their best whisky to the coffee to make it "Irish" style. But, what they will do is add laxative to the coffee and then after you've downed about a half a pot the leprechaun will insist on going for a long drive way out in the boonies. Of course once you're way out ten miles from any toilet well, that's when the laxative really kicks in. I tell you what, I'm not falling for that again this year. After I drink the leprechauns coffee I'm not leaving my trailer. I'm gong to have the last laugh this year.

THE TROLLS OF MADAM MERKEL

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Assistant Contributer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Hey loyal fans and those who linked to this blog by mistake, I am Madam Merkel, Northern Michigan’s trusted trailer park psychic and polisher of petoskey stones.

I am ready to give you my predictions for this month.  First of all, I predict that this next month will be hot for this time of year.  So, you may want to keep a stash of ice on hand. You see because school is starting right about now all those home schooled kids will be firing up their computers to play power hungry video games all day which will drain the power grid and cause it to crash several times. And, on these really hot days the home schooled kids will be demanding some ice cold fruit flavored drinks to drink while they wait for the grid to power up again.   Hence, and I love using the word “hence”, you’ll need a stash of ice to cool off the kids’ drinks and for the ice pack you'll need for your parenting related headache.

You know kids today are so lucky that they can stay home and play video games.  They can even learn a trade from their parents.  Most of the people in my trailer park are chemists and it’s nice their children can be home to learn that trade and take part in the family business. That is if the parents can pry their kids away from gaming.

Now, back when I was young I had to go to school all day.  It was so boring.  There was always someone there asking questions and telling us kids we had to read something or do some math problems.  And math, whoever uses it once you’re out of school?  I’ve never done any math for any job I ever had and I certainly don’t need any math to do my psychic predictions.   No calculations needed in my line of work.  I just pull my psychic predictions out of thin air.

 

Now, in addition to my prediction that it is going to be a very warm month I is also predicting that there will be a new amendment to the Michigan State Constitution making it legal to go troll hunting year around without a license.  This amendment is intended to stop the spread of trolls in Michigan.   Michigan trolls are greatly irritating people all over the state with their smug online attacks and their dastardly sneaking around behind closed doors to invade our privacy.  In many instances they will post our privacy online.  Well, shame on those trolls.

  

Personally, I know I’m being plagued by trolls both online and in my trailer.  Not long after I lay down to sleep last night I heard something rustling around in my bedroom.  I turned on the light but, didn’t see any sign of an intruder.  I did notice that something seemed to be making whiny noises under my bed so I reached under it expecting to pull out a cat, rat, bat or some other critter but instead, something bit me.  I think it might have been a troll because so many people are having all sorts of troll problems but, mostly the troll problems occur online and not in their bedrooms.

Of course, there are several types of trolls online including recipe trolls, political trolls and credit card number trolls.  Now, the trolls I just mentioned are pretty irritating but, the worst ones are the grammar and spelling trolls.

Now you may be shocked to find out that I don't have any formal education much.  I know that my lack of education must be a shock because you're probably saying that the way Madam Merkel thinks and writes makes her seem like someone who should be teaching English at the college level.  Well, I am flattered by how you must be thinking  however, I do have a couple of problems with spelling and grammar and those nasty trolls are always pointing out all of my grammar and spelling mistakes.  I think those trolls are just trying to make me feel bad because I didn't graduate from high school but, I did graduate Sigmund Corn Loudie from the school of Hard Knucks.  How many people can say that? 

Anyway, all I can say is watch out trolls.  I’m a mystic not a statistic.  I got friends on the other side and I don’t just mean the ones in jail.  I’m talking about the ones on the other side of the grave; the departed, the deceased, the spirits of the dead.  I might not be able to find your hiding spots but the spirts can.  And, don’t forget, my spirit friends only grow more powerful as Halloween approaches and right now Halloween is just a couple of months away. 

Meantime, I’m going to take a broom handle and start poking away under my bed and I’ll bet you that the troll living under there is going to be pretty sore by time I get through.

THE HAUNTED SEPTIC TANK

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Paranormal Associate Investigator
Humor News Nuts Publications

My girlfriend Naomi lives just down the road from my trailer park. She lives in an older modular home but, it is on her own lot complete with a well and septic. When she first moved into her home 20 years ago the plumbing didn’t work and she had to use an outhouse. Of course it was not long before big government came along and made he dig a hole for a septic tank and field. It cost a bundle to have indoor plumbing so she had to become a working girl again. She got jobs at bars and did whatever she could on the side to pay for her plumbing.

One day she called me up and insisted that I come over to her house right away. She did not explain to me on the phone what the problem was but, as soon as got to her place I immediately detected a horrible fowl odor that literally brought tears to my eyes and my lunch up to my mouth. After loosing my lunch on the front lawn I felt a little better. My eyes burning and I even started to get a nose bleed. Finally, I managed to make it to the door and pounded on it until Naomi let me inside. I was sure that once inside the house I would not smell the foul vapors but, the stench was even stronger inside the house.

“I’m sorry Naomi,” I said “but, this place really stinks.”

“I know,” responded my chubby pale faced friend. “It’s my septic tank. All kinds of foul smells are bubbling up from the pipes along with oozy smelly goop. There are also all kinds of strange gurgling sounds. I think my septic tank is haunted and I need you to use your psychic powers to perform some sort of exorcism. The neighbors are already complaining about the smells and I’m afraid they’re going to call the county on me again. The last time the county came out they made me put in a septic tank. This time they’ll probably want me to hook up to the sewer line they ran past my house last year. I’m not made of money like British Petroleum. I can’t afford to do anything about my stuff draining into other people’s yards. And, I can’t help it if the Sweeny’s next door have their kids sand box and their swimming pool near my septic field. You’d think they’d be happy that my seepage stuff is giving them the best vegetable garden they have ever had. You should see the size of their tomatoes. I believe their potatoes and radishes have never had such green leaves.”

After inspecting all the places where the ooze was coming to the surface of the ground and backing up the pipes in the sinks, bath and laundry tub, I immediate knew what had to be done. I asked Naomi for fifty bucks to cover my ghost buster fee. I took out my two best Petoskey stones from my purse and rubbed them together saying three times “give up the ghost septic tank, give up the ghost septic tank, and give up the ghost septic tank.” I then told Naomi to light up scented candles throughout the house from now on.

Naomi followed my advice and reported back to me that the scented candles really did make the house smell better. Unfortunately, the septic sewage kept oozing up and the county health department was soon over there advising Naomi that she needed to connect up to the sewer which would cost her about ten thousand dollars. She got mad at me but, I told her the fifty bucks was not refundable because I did at least make her house smell better. She still does not speak to me. Oh well, she no longer has time to hang out with me since she had to get a couple of more jobs to pay for her sewer line hook-up.

THE STOCK MARKET WILL TAKE A BIG DIP SOON

By Madam Misty Merkel
The authorities came by yesterday and took my little puppy away. They said that it was not safe for my puppy to live in such a dumpy trailer. I was told that sooner or later my trailer was going to burn down especially, because I light candles all over the place. I told the authorities that the reason I light candles is to ward off evil spirits who are intent on doing harm such as, burning down my trailer.

So, now I have to live here all alone unless I can prove that I am fit to keep an animal on my premises. Now I have to eat all this dog food all alone. I bought it up really cheap in bulk at SAVE, SAVE, SAVER STORES located on front street in downtown Traverse City. It is pretty good quality food made from beef, pork, chicken and mechanically cleaned turkey. I like to eat it on crackers but my little doggie just liked to eat it plain with just a little ketchup on it.

I think the authorities are really mad at me because I am predicting a major stock market dip coming real soon. I am predicting this because three old crows recently flew by my window and that is a bad omen for stocks. The three old crows were the Merchinski sisters and they went flying by on their motorbikes to some sort of suede pride parade. I used to like suede when I was a kid but, you’re supposed to outgrow that sort of stuff when you become an adult. Grownups like leather except of course for those that don’t like animal products because they smell like grandma. My grandma liked to get out in the hot sun and pick beans all day. No one knows what happened to my grandma after she died but, at the same time she died my uncle was looking for a covering for an antique chair he had in his basement.

At any rate, when the stock market crashes that should be a really good time to buy up some futures in the Petoskey stone market. Petoskey stone futures are traded on the Chicago Board of Trade under the symbol peestone. Peestones will one day rival gold as the major commodity of exchange in international markets. Peestones are much rarer than gold since you can find gold anywhere in the world but, peestones can only be found in the area that I live in. I’m picking a lot of peestones up right now since I think my predictions might get people to invest.