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Thursday, February 23, 2012

LEARNING ASTROLOGY IS THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER DONE


By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

My astrology classes have not been going very well.  I can’t remember all those zodiac signs let along the meanings of observing how the planets line up.  What does Mars with Mercury rising mean?  What does Jupiter  ascending with two orbs surrounding Uranus possibly mean? And, who even wants to talk about cancer?

What is really depressing me is that the State of Michigan just passed new laws which specify that you need at least a two year degree in metaphysics in order to practice astrology.  That means I’d have to take another 13 courses before I could get my license and start reading people’s astrological signs.  And get this, some of the courses I’d have to take are “Music Appreciation” and “Monomolecular Physics”.  I haven’t had mono since I was a kid and I spent most of my time sleeping it off.  I don’t remember anything else about it.

Well, I’m afraid that this psychic madam is going to have to pass on getting a degree just to practice astrology.  It seems astrology is just based upon the scientific methodology instead of just guessing what‘s going to go on which is what I do.  But, you know what.  When it comes to talking to spooks I still have them all beat.  I doubt that any of those fancy astrologers with their degrees and science will even have the spooks knocking on their trailer doors like I do.  I get visits from important spooks like presidents and movie stars and I get some real lowlifes that steal or some that are just plain stupid.



 

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Thursday, February 16, 2012

I’M LEARNING ASTROLOGY SO I CAN READ THE SIGNS


By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

A couple of weeks ago I went online to sign up for astrology classes.  I just be I could double my income if I could read the signs of the zodiac and predict peoples futures that way.  AT least that’s what the online advertisement said so for $199.99 with a money back guarantee I decided I had nothing to do but sign up for the course.

Now many of you are probably asking “Madam Misty, “Why are you bothering with doing astrological signs when you’re already the best psychic in the country?”  Well, as I said before I want to double my income and no matter how big the crystal balls are that I use I just can’t seem to generate enough traffic to my trailer.  The neighbor down the street told me I’d be better off just hanging a red lantern in front of my trailer. I really don’t like that particular neighbor very much.  Nobody in the neighborhood likes her.  She’s always sneaking around cutting peoples flowers off and sticking them in a vase that she displays in her front window.  It’s like she’s bragging about how she went and stole everyone’s nice pretty flowers.   Of course the flowers wither right down a couple of days after she steals them.  I think it must be her bad breath that kills them.

That particular neighbor is awfully tight.  When she’s in the bathroom everyone in the trailer park knows it because her septic tank empties right out into her backyard.  She is so stingy she won’t even pay to have the thing pumped.  All the residents even  pitched in to raise enough money to pump her septic tank for her but, when presented with the money she just said thank you and went back inside of her trailer.  The next week she had a satellite dish installed and she never did pump the stinking septic tank. So much for neighborhood picnics.

Now, as far as my astrology classes they are a lot tougher then I thought they’d be.  The tests are all open book so you can look the answers up but, you have to put the answers down in your own words.  I was thinking when I bought the class that the tests might be true or false or at least multiple-guess.  These ones where you have to write out stuff are a lot harder especially when you can’t just copy the stuff the same way it is written out in the text.  Instead, it’s like in high school when you have to scramble the words around in each sentence so it sounds like you made the words up and just didn’t recopy them.  

You know that in high school I did pretty well.  I would have been in the top half of the class except there were about a hundred people ahead of me vying for that top half of the class position. There were only 220 kids that graduated in my high school class. My sisters Christie and Twisty graduated below me in the class but yet, their down enjoying the  sun in Miami while I’m stuck where up here in the North.  Well, like they say “it’s better to be born lucky than smart”.




Thursday, February 2, 2012

BLOOD SUCKER ALERT

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel

Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

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