"I Got Tongued By A Zombie"
By Psychic Madam Misty Merkel
I just want to say to all of you "Happy New Year"! Of course if you drive a motorized vehicle please don't drink and drive. And, if you drive a non-motorized vehicle eat plenty of breath mints before starting for home. Last year a friend of mine got busted for swerving around too much on his skateboard as he came home from a New Year's Eve Party. This was his fourth offense so I don't think he'll ever be getting his skateboard back.
This year I decided to spend New Year's Eve at a movie theatre. It was a pretty good movie but this creepy guy who was sitting next to me turned out to be a zombie. I know he was a zombie because about halfway through the movie he stuck his tongue in my ear. I think he was trying to eat my brains. I then gave him a fist in the forehead and left the theatre. I hurried home to make sure that he did not leave any bite marks. I know that if a zombie bites you and breaks the skin then you will for sure turn into one of them. Luckily, I did not find any marks and I haven't started to change yet and it has been three hours since I got tongued.
I think that I am safe because I have never seen any movies or TV shows where people turn into zombies after being tongued in the ear. I did wash my ear out with some alcohol just to make sure that I killed off any residual zombie germs. I also had a few glasses of Mogen David just to make sure my blood stream was immunized from zombie germs. The wine also helps me get all tranced-up so I can easily make my predictions for 2013.
I'm pretty much in a trance right now so I will begin my predictions. First of all, the markets will be in turmoil all year long because of economic uncertainties in Europe and the U.S. Of course most of the economic problems will stem from an alien invasion that will happen sometime in the second fiscal quarter. I'm not really sure what a "fiscal" is but I do know what a quarter is. I just hope I have enough quarters lying around my trailer so I can go pick-up another bottle of wine tomorrow. (I need to keep my blood sanitized after being tongued in the ear by a zombie).
The biggest problem most people will have to face this year is an outbreak of mini-gargoyles in the spring. The little pests seem to hatch out every spring during the rainy season and will bite you every time you go outside. The bites are not even that bad but the terrible scratching that occurs just drives me insane. Some people claim that the mini-gargoyles are really just mosquitoes but, my granddad told me that they were gargoyles and he was pretty wise. He'd be alive today if he would have left that woman alone. (Her gun dealer husband was a very jealous man.)
The big-foot hunting season should be excellent this year. There will be a bumper crop of big-foot eggs in Michigan so there should be plenty of these hairy beasts to shoot and toss on the grill. Personally, the only good part of the big-foot to eat are the steaks. The rest of their meat is just too gamy for me. There is also so much sinew in most of the meat that you feel like you're flossing when you pull out the long strings that get stuck between your teeth. .
Well, 2013 is going to be a heck of a year. My bottle of wine is dry and my predictions have dried up as well. Just remember to keep those zombies from sticking their tongue in your ear. I was lucky but you might just find your brains being scooped out of your skull the next time you are watching a movie at the theatre and you may not even notice it until you've gotten back home and try to remember if you put the cat out or not. Most of the time you would not even miss your brains but a few times a day something comes up that requires you to remember something like putting the cat out. Right now I can't remember if I have a cat or a dog. Sometimes wine makes me feel like a zombie must have eaten my brains.
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