MISTY MERKEL AND THE WOODSTOVE
PREDICTION: HEATING BILLS SOAR HIGHER IN 2012
By Madam Misty Merkel
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed that a bacterium from outer space comes down to earth on a meteorite. In my dream, after the meteorite crashes, the bacteria immediately go to work devouring all oil and natural gas on earth. Soon, there is nothing left to heat water for baths and showers. The result will be that everyone goes around smelling really stinky. Everyone will loose all their friends. Wives will leave husbands and husbands will leave their girlfriends. Puppies and kitty cats will run away from smelly children. This will surely be one of the 13 great disasters befalling mankind in the year 2012. When people find out how stinky they really are, civilization will crumble. That’s why I’ve decided to get a wood stove to heat my bath water.
I’ve spent the morning calling around trying to find a contractor to install the wood stove I bought at a yard sale down the street. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find any contractor who is willing to install a woodstove in a trailer. They all told me that a woodstove in a trailer would sooner or later result in a house fire. I told them that I would be using the woodstove to heat bath water so that there would be several kettles of water sitting on top of it but, they still refused. They told me that I would never be able to get a permit to legally put a wood stove in my trailer. So, I decided to do what you always do when something is illegal, you get a little help from your friends.
I was able to get Ted and Mike Colin from work to come over and help me install my woodstove. Their brother Tim came with them to supervise their work. He evidently heard I was giving out free beers to anyone who came over to help. After Ted and Mike lifted the wood stove into place they proceeded to knock a hole in my wall for the pipe to run through. Luckily they used a hammer and not a maul. The hole was a little uneven but, they said they’d just buy a few jars of imported baby food so they could fill in around the stove pipe with drywall. Baby food is known as a cheap sourse of both drywall and mercury.
Once the stove was set up it looked pretty good. It had a little rust on top where the pipe was at but, luckily I still had some black tar left over from when I patched the roof last spring and the tar covered up the rust really well. The tar was a little runny but, I figured it would dry once the fire was getting really hot. Everything was working out well until Tim went and asked me where the firewood was at so we could try the sucker out. He asked me if I had a woodlot somewhere. I replied that the only woodlot I owned was a dwarf arborvitae in my front yard. It wasn’t really a dwarf arborvitae it is just that my dog has lifted his leg on it so many times that the dog gone thing is stunted.
Luckily Tim pointed out that the chairs under my kitchen table were made out of fiberboard and would make excellent fuel for the fire. Finally, the woodstove was packed with wood and paper (along with some plastic wrap from the garbage). I did the honors of lighting the first match and the woodstove was off and burning. We closed the door so it would heat up inside. There was quite a bit of smoke leaking from the pipe where it connected to the stove. Tim said that I should just buy some black caulk and fill in any leaky spots. Suddenly, the tar on top of the stove started to bubble and boil. Worse than that, it started smoking and giving off a real nasty smell which made everyone really dizzy. Then, the top of the woodstove and the wall behind it burst into flames. Luckily, I had several gallons of water on top of the stove which put out the fires.
Although the trailer was saved, the noxious fumes made us all go outside and pass out. The only one that had to go to the hospital to be resuscitated was Mike. You can tell he is the baby brother in that family since the other two didn’t seem to mind passing out. I know both of them are used to passing out while walking home from the night clubs. Passing out on someone’s lawn downtown is alright as long as you have not urinated on it first.
Later that day the doctors told Tim and Ted that their brother Mike had probably suffered irreversible brain damage. Tim told the doctors that Mike had brain damage but, it was from all the radioactive fish they ate when they were kids. It seems that their dad liked to fish at a radiative cooling pond located outside of a nuclear power plant. The fish there weighed up nicely but, that was because of all the extra tissue in the tumors.
It will be a while before I try my woodstove out again. I really don’t need to use it now and 2012 is a ways away. By then I should have all the kinks and problems worked out. Just in case the woodstove does not work out as a means of heating up bath water, I will be stocking up on extra perfume for 2012.
OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY - As they gaze out their outhouse portal, Many people dream of being immortal, But, a firm rap on the door, And, you wish you could stay more, And, knowing you...
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