My Conversation With Ludwig The Martian
by Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel
Well, now the frost is on the foliage and there's a real nip in the air. The leaves are turning color and the squirrels are trying to gnaw their way into my trailer. All these signs point to fall and with fall comes the time when the souls of the departed wander aimlessly through my trailer park. Unfortunately, most of these former personages usually end up at my door wanting me to impart to their living kith and kin certain information that the departed neglected to pass on before they passed on. Some of the information involves finances such as regarding lost wills, buried treasures or, matters not so important like maybe something as mundane as to how to start the Chevy while in third gear or some family recipe for mincemeat that was never written down or passed on orally. Of course, since the dead don't have any money it really is not profitable for me to use my gift to help their loved ones and, I don't run a charity here. I have to make a living selling myself to those with cash. Hence, because of all the bother from deadbeat deadsters I don't really look forward to Halloween anymore.
Of course my readers are a different matter. I don't really make any money blogging about my psychic talents however, there is always the potential someone will take a commercial interest in my abilities and hire my abilities at what I hope would be premium prices. So, for my many readers and potential benefactors I've planned something special to celebrate Halloween this year. It has to do with the recent discovery of water on mars. You see, since there is water on mars it only stands to reason deductively that there must also be intelligent life on the planet so, I decided to use my abilities to contact the Martians this year as sort of my Halloween treat for my dedicated readers and potential employers.
Now, in order to contact Mars I had to rely on my Petoskey stone. The reason I used a Petoskey stone is because Northern Michigan and Mars are the only two places in the galaxy where you can find a Petoskey stone and since Petoskey stones are psychic mediums I figured I would be able to contact a Martian who was in possession of or vicinity of a Petoskey stone. And so, I proceeded drinking a bottle of wine and going into a trance while rubbing a nicely polished Petoskey stone in between my fingers.
Well, it wasn’t long before I made contact with Mars. In fact, it was with a Martian named Ludwig. "Hello Ludwig," I called out across millions of miles of space. "Don't be alarmed. I'm Psychic Madam Merkel calling out to you from planet earth. I can sense you are not human and I believe your name is Ludwig, am I correct."
A few moments passed. I imagined the alien creature might have been a bit shocked hearing from someone from another world. "Hi madam Merkel," a voice deep within my head responded. "I am on planet mars and my name is Ludwig. I was just polishing my Petoskey stone and thinking about visiting earth."
"Visiting Earth?" I said. "Why would you be visiting earth?"
"Well Madam Misty, I'm out of cigarettes. You wouldn't happen to have any cigarettes on you?"
“No, I don't have any cigarettes,” I said. "Cigarettes aren't good for you so I don't smoke them."
"Then, do you have any beer," Ludwig asked.
"No I don't have any beer," I replied. "I can't drink beer because it gives me gas. I drink only wine and liqueur and I only drink them because they help to put me in a trance so I can contact spirits."
"That's too bad," Ludwig commented in a dejected voice. "I need a smoke really bad. I guess I'll have to go to earth and pick up some smokes and beer."
I said, "Since you’re going to come to earth then you must have space travel technology."
Nah; we don't have any spaceships or any technology at all. We just have rocks. That's all we've got here. A guy recently discovered water here but, no one knows what to do with it. It's really weird stuff. First it's hard then, it's soft, it's hot, it's cold. Like I said, it doesn’t seem to be good for much but maybe we can sell it to tourists as a souvenir or something. I really don't know but, I do need to get to earth to get some cigarettes."
"Well, if you don't have spaceships how are you going to get here?" I asked.
"I’ll just hitch a ride from some passersby’s. I just have to climb up a mountain and stick out my yozi and someone will stop."
"So you just hitchhike from planet mars onboard some spaceship from another world. And, you stick out your "yozi." So, what's a yozi anyway? Is it like the human thumb that we humans use to get a ride?"
|Artist Concept: Martian uses yozi to hitchhike to earth.|
"That seems pretty odd," I commented, "What can you do with just a yozi?"
"We do everything with our Yozi," Ludwig replied. "We hop around on our yozi, we shoot hoops with our yozi and we play tetherball with our yozi. Of course the Martian with the longest yozi usually wins at tetherball but hey, it's still our major sporting event and it’s one where every Martian can show off his or her prowess with his or her yozi. And finally, the best thing that we do is we cuddle with our yozi. It’s pretty hard to cuddle if you don't have a yozi. Of course you humans couldn't know anything about cuddling since you always have your fingers up your nose and who'd want to cuddle with you anyway after you've been digging away up your nose all day."
I began to become afraid that Ludwig was taking me into some deep dark places that I and my readers did not want to go so; I decided to end the conversation. "Well, Ludwig," I said," I hope you can catch a ride to earth so you can get some cigarettes and beer. I'm going to have to be going now since the wine I drank is wearing off and I'm starting to come out our my psychic trance but, before I go I just want to wish you and all my readers a Happy Halloween."
Then Ludwig said “And, a Happy Halloween to you Madam Merkel and to all the peoples of earth. I just wish I had some cigarettes."