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Friday, June 16, 2017

TRUMP WIN PREDICTED IN MARCH 2016 BY MERKEL

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Yesterday I asked my Petoskey stones "who is going to be the next president of the United States?"  After I asked my stones the question I lit some incense I bought from a local Michigan Incense Dispensary and drank a bottle of wine while I waited for the spirits of the stones to answer my question.  It took about an hour then, suddenly, I fell into a deep trance and had a vision. 

Now, in my vision I pictured a large St Bernard crossing a river called the Rubicon.  And, after the St. Bernard crossed this river he got into an expensive American Motors sports car called a Matador and sped up a very large, steep hill.  About halfway up this hill the St. Bernard put his car on cruise control and then the big old dog started barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump..." until finally, the St. Bernard swerved off the side of the road and went crashing down toward the bottom of the hill and all the while the dog was still barking "Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump...".  


Then, I woke up from my trance and found myself lying on my back on top of my trailer looking up a sky full of stars.  Now, all this would have been strange enough except that this little chipmunk hopped up on top of my foot and then ran all the way up my body to my nose where he stopped and looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Do you have any more of that incense?  I and my friends have been watching you for the last four hours and we'd kind of like to join your party.  The squirrels offered us some rotten old decomposed acorns to burn for incense but, the acorn incense just gives us headaches and make our noses run."

Thursday, June 1, 2017

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Part-time Contributor,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments like in the U.S. or U.K.   Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, Knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue and sped off to harass some other people no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

BLING IS THE THING TO MAKE THE SPIRITS SING

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Markel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I can't stress enough the need to wear lots of bling for good luck. I wear rings on all my fingers and toes. I also have bracelets from my wrist to my elbow. And why wear earrings if they don't dangle down to your shoulders. Of course most of my bling is gold. I mean it's gold colored not real gold. I buy my stuff at rummage sales. In order to get real gold you have to go to one of those fancy pawn shop type stores. Who has the money for that?

Anyway, the spirits don't seem to mind. Just like my boyfriends, spirits don't know gold from the hole in the ground they crawled out of. Yesterday I had four different spirits stop in just to find out when I got my cat's eye ring. That's a cat's eye stone on a ring for my finger and not a ring through my eyeball. I'm not going to get pierced all over like the teenagers do now days. It's bad enough I got a tattoo that says "I Love Wally" tattooed on the back of my neck. Wally has been dead for 18 years and the ladies at the hair salon ask me how's Wally doing?". It just brings back sad memories.

Anyway, I went to the casino last week and won a hundred bucks on the slot machines. My bling was making the spirits sing because I parlayed my hundred bucks into a one hundred and fifteen bucks on the black jack table. I only wished I had some ponies to bet on. Wally and I used to go to the track and bet on the ponies. He bet on ponies and was a jockey at the same time. He always had me bet everything on a horse he was not ridding and sure enough, Wally never rode a winning horse but, we made lots of money. Funny how he knew the horse he rode would never win. I guess he was physic too. Not so physic though to know he would be thrown off a horse named Evil Knockers. Poor Wally had his head split open like a watermelon on the 4th of July.

Anyway, wear lots of bling and you'll hear those spirits sing. At least you'll hear those slot machines sing and quarters ding. I must have written 500 words by now so I can quit and hang out with my bling at the beach.
'

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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