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Saturday, May 20, 2017

BLING IS THE THING TO MAKE THE SPIRITS SING

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Markel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I can't stress enough the need to wear lots of bling for good luck. I wear rings on all my fingers and toes. I also have bracelets from my wrist to my elbow. And why wear earrings if they don't dangle down to your shoulders. Of course most of my bling is gold. I mean it's gold colored not real gold. I buy my stuff at rummage sales. In order to get real gold you have to go to one of those fancy pawn shop type stores. Who has the money for that?

Anyway, the spirits don't seem to mind. Just like my boyfriends, spirits don't know gold from the hole in the ground they crawled out of. Yesterday I had four different spirits stop in just to find out when I got my cat's eye ring. That's a cat's eye stone on a ring for my finger and not a ring through my eyeball. I'm not going to get pierced all over like the teenagers do now days. It's bad enough I got a tattoo that says "I Love Wally" tattooed on the back of my neck. Wally has been dead for 18 years and the ladies at the hair salon ask me how's Wally doing?". It just brings back sad memories.

Anyway, I went to the casino last week and won a hundred bucks on the slot machines. My bling was making the spirits sing because I parlayed my hundred bucks into a one hundred and fifteen bucks on the black jack table. I only wished I had some ponies to bet on. Wally and I used to go to the track and bet on the ponies. He bet on ponies and was a jockey at the same time. He always had me bet everything on a horse he was not ridding and sure enough, Wally never rode a winning horse but, we made lots of money. Funny how he knew the horse he rode would never win. I guess he was physic too. Not so physic though to know he would be thrown off a horse named Evil Knockers. Poor Wally had his head split open like a watermelon on the 4th of July.

Anyway, wear lots of bling and you'll hear those spirits sing. At least you'll hear those slot machines sing and quarters ding. I must have written 500 words by now so I can quit and hang out with my bling at the beach.
'

Saturday, April 1, 2017

APRIL PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS

Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Contributor 
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

April Fool's Day has been relatively uneventful here in my trailer park.  A couple of gunshots and the police and ambulance that came racing into here today are the only interesting events to happen.  Of course, someone is always getting shot, stabbed, bludgeoned and/or arrested in my trailer park.  A social scientist once made of study of the park to see why this particular trailer park had some many brutal crimes committed in it.  The social scientist concluded that the violent crime rate was high here because the lot rent is too cheap.  The scientist said that because we were only paying $60 a month for lot rent that a lot of non-working violent criminal types occupied most of the lots.   The scientist said that other trailer parks had much less violent crime because the people in them paid $200+ per month for a lot.  Now, when the park manager heard this he immediately raised the lot rent up to $200 per month.  That resulted in the manager getting beat up and then, the manager dropped the lot rent back down to $60 per month.  Evidently, that over educated social scientist did not understand the following economic law of supply and demand:  No matter what the supply is, if you charge too much you're going to get your greedy butt kicked.  This economic law is especially true if you're dealing with mostly violent criminal types.

Anyway, I predict that April will be a good month for commodities.  Butter will be something people should stock up on because May is going to be a big month for deep-fat fried butter.  Oh, is that so good!  I think I'll fry some butter as soon as I'm done with this column.  You know it might be a good idea to stock up on plastic baskets to drop into the deep fat fryer.  I usually go through four or five plastic baskets every time I make deep fat fried butter.    

I also predict for April a real increase in government deportations.  Now, even though I was born in Kalamazoo Michigan I've been picked up and deported 14 times.  I was deported twice to Mexico, twice to Canada, once to New Zealand and nine times to Ohio.  The funny thing is is that I got back to Michigan really easy from all my destinations except for Ohio.  The machine gunner nests and landmine fields down along the Michigan-Ohio border are really had to navigate through.  The last time I crossed that border I thought I got nicked by a bullet and lost part of my left ear but luckily, it was just an earring that got shot out but, boy did it hurt.  I'm just glad it was a clip-on and came off real easy.  Still, it hurt a lot.              

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

THE FIGHT OVER BUNS AND POP AND AVOIDING GNARLY TOENAILS

By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Psychic And News Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

There will be wild swings in the market this month.  I'm talking about the gas station mini-market where I buy my wine.  I predict this month that Ned, the guy who delivers the pop will get into a fight with Jack, the guy who delivers the buns.  The fight will be over sharing shelf space in the front window of the store.  I foresee that Ned will get in some nasty blows upon Jack but, Jack kicks like a little girl so in the end Jack will prevail.  Jack will be stacking his buns on the front shelf in front of the window and Jack's showcased buns will earn him big time sales.  And of course, poor Ned will have to take his pop to the back of the store which is probably better for the customers since the back of the store is where the coolers are.  

I'm kind of thinking that the ice will be off most of the lakes in Northern Michigan by mid-month.  I'm predicting an overall warmer spring than normal with a summer so hot you can cook an ingrown toenail if you're out in the sun for an hour.  I'm only mentioning ingrown toenail because I happen to have one right now and the pain keeps my mind focused; focused on the pain I mean.  I just hope my toenail problem straightens out by summer so I can paint up the old toenails before I walk around the trailer park with just my tong shoes.  Nothing makes a person look less attractive than messed up toenails.  A lot of couples break up once it's revealed that one of them has really ugly toenails.  Certainly, no one wants to have kids with someone who would add an ugly toenail gene to their gene pool.  It just wouldn't be fair to the kids.  I mean would you want your kids to end up being ashamed of their own feet?   So, if your getting your dates off  the internet make sure you check out the feet before you meet.    I mean an awful looking face you can learn to love but, those gnarly toenails are going to be slashing and stabbing you all night long for maybe thirty or forty years or until one of you leaves the relationship or kicks the bucket.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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