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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

BLOODSUCKERS IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN: VAMPIRES ARE COMMING

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had her rub it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

PSYCHIC VS PHYSIC: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

By Madam Misty Merkel
Traverse City Psychic/Physic

I spent all day getting my drain unplugged. I used liquid drain Plummer stuff. I unwound an old wire hanger and tried twisting it down the drain. I even brought in the garden hose and tried to blow the clog out with water. Nothing worked. I shouldn’t have poured bacon grease down the kitchen sink last night. This happens every time. Finally, I boiled up a tea kettle full of water and poured it down the drain to melt the bacon grease. It worked too well. The bacon grease went down but, the boiling hot water melted the glue or whatever keeps the pipes under the sink together. Now I have water all over the floor. This just goes to show you that you should get a psychic or physic reading before you start each day. I could have avoided this mess if I had just taken a couple of minutes this morning to look into my own future.

Many of you have been wondering why I use the word Physic and Psychic interchangeably. Some people thought that I just did not know how to spell the word “Psychic”. Let me be clear: a Psychic is someone who uses their special abilities to foretell the future; a physic is someone who uses something from the physical world to help foretell the future. I use Petoskey stones and crystal balls to look into the future. Hence, I am a psychic because I foretell the future with my mental powers and I am a physic because I use objects to aid in my predictions.

Last week I went to a convention of Physics. Most of the people at the convention were demonstrating items that they sold to the public like crystal balls and taro cards. This gave me the idea of selling Petoskey stones to the public. They do have very powerful psychic vibes.

Many people think Petoskey stones are just ancient coral remains that have been fossilized into beautiful patterns. In fact, there is this scientist (he is currently in prison for fraud) who believes that Petoskey stones were really cells to a giant, psychic, alien brain that collided with the earth and killed off the dinosaurs or, something like that. The brain cells were scattered across Upper Michigan.

So watch as the sale of Petoskey stones rise. People across the country are down on their luck and maybe a bunch of polished alien brain cells might just be the thing to turn bad luck into good luck.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A 2012 PREDICTION
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
People need to start getting ready for the year 2012. 2012 is the year the Mayans, ancient Hebrews, Hindus and some others I can’t remember, said that the world would be in big trouble. It seems the planets will be lining up in such a way that the earth will be devastated by cosmic forces beyond the control of humans. There will be a number of disaster events that will happen in 2012. Last Saturday night I tranced out at the bar located down the block from the trailer park. Then, I had a vision of an economic disaster that will happen in May of 2012.

I have consorted with the spirits of good and evil and rubbed my mystical Petoskey stones until they are smooth and polished. I think I can sell them on EBay now. I should be able t get about $30.00 a piece out of them. That will pay my cable bill so I won’t be cut off. Anyway, the calamity of 2012 will occur when five giant ships loaded with tons of merchandise destined for Wall Mart Stores around the world, collide in mid ocean and sink. When all that merchandise sinks to the ocean floor, so will the world economy. The hopes and dreams of every person on earth will drown in the sudsy brine and, forever sleep with the fishes.

Earth will change that day. We cannot stop our destiny from happening no more than we can wear adult diapers and not get wet. However, we will try unsuccessfully, to prepare ourselves mentally for the day the earth will stand still. We will attempt to brace ourselves for the day our forbidden planet no longer offers the hope of living a fulfilling life of non-stop shopping and mounting credit card debt. It will be difficult for us to accept the fact that one day a creature from a black lagoon will be wearing the cubic zirconium jewelry which we had hoped to be wearing and showing off to our friends and neighbors. The tragedy will leave our minds lost in space. Our hearts will be heavy like a big blob. One day we will be forced to accept as the Mayans foretold, that our humanity will die when all our stuff takes a voyage to the bottom of the sea.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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