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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

TURKEY AT MY HOUSE ON THANKSGIVING

MY FRESH THANKSGIVING TURKEY
by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
 The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic
  
This year on Thanksgiving I decided to have a fresh turkey for dinner instead of a dead frozen bird.  So, I went to this farmer who raises turkeys and bought a live bird and took it home with me.  When I got the bird home to my trailer I decided to get the bird drunk before I did him in.  I couldn't bear the thought that the big pretty Tom I had brought into my home would suffer at all at my hands so, I opened up a bottle of wine to share with the fowl.  So, we spent the afternoon drinking.  I figured that I'd get the big bird so plastered that he wouldn’t feel any pain and then I’d knock him in the head with something.  So, I poured out into an old dog dish I had lying around, about two cups of wine.  “Here, why don’t you have a drink with me to celebrate Thanksgiving,” I said to the turkey. 

Up until then the turkey hadn’t uttered even a peep since I got bought him.  But, when he saw the wine he immediately sucked the wine up into his beak and down his gizzard and finished swallowing it followed by a loud “Burp!”  The turkey then looked me straight in the eye and said in a high-pitched, nasally voice, “That tastes pretty good, could I have some more please?”  

I then filled his dish with wine and guzzled a couple of glasses of the vino myself.  After that I guess the wine must have really affected the turkey because to my surprise the turkey started to become real chatty.  I mean he started talking about himself and telling me all of his problems and dashed hopes and I didn’t think he'd ever shut up. 

"You know I always wanted to go to college," he said, "but, I just came from such a poor social background that they'd never let me into any decent school.  I didn’t have the kind of money it takes to get into a really good school anyway.  Of course I could have gone to one of those community colleges I suppose; they accept anyone as long as they have the money to pay.   But, you know it's hard to have a good paying career even with an Associate’s degree because there are so many people who have one now days.  Could I have some more wine please, it seems my doggy dish is empty.”

I filled the dish up yet again with wine.  "Maybe you could've gone to beauty school like I did" I said.  "I couldn't make a career out of it because I had too many accidents that resulted in numerous lawsuits but, beauty school did teach me the discipline I needed to eventually perfect the craft of being a psychic."  

The turkey looked at me with his head tilted sideways and said "I never pictured myself as being a common laborer.  I mean working in a service industry is just not quite up to my expectations in life.  I always thought that I'd be pretty good at engineering and what I really wanted to be was an architect.  I always thought that I could design wondrous buildings that everyone would talk about centuries from now."

Well, this bird was really kind of making me mad.  He seemed to be insulting me because of the career path I had taken in a service industry. It was about then that I decided that this bird had enough to drink and it was time to conk him on the noggin and knock him out so I said to him “Hey look, there’s a big juicy worm crawling down there on the floor. 

The turkey bent down to take a better look and said, “I don’t see any worm. Where’s he at?  I’m getting pretty hungry.  It must be about dinner time right now.”  The big Tom then cocked his head sideways and placed his ear down against the floor. I still don’t see any worm but, I can hear some carpenter ants chewing away under your floorboards.” 

“Well, just keep looking,” I said.  “The worm is right there and I’m about ready to serve dinner.”  At that moment I picked up off the floor a really big Petoskey stone I had been using as a doorstop and just as the turkey raised his head up from the floor I knocked the turkey in the side of the head with the stone.  The turkey immediately dropped to the floor and was completely unconscious.  I then decided that I had better eat the bird before he became conscious so I pulled out all of his feathers and threw him upon onto my turkey platter that sat on the kitchen table.  I figured that the bird could come to at any time so, I didn’t bother trying to cook him.  I just decided to eat him raw.  So, I took my carving knife and fork and stuck the fork into the bird  and that sent the bird bustling off the table and out the door and down the road squawking and screaming like someone was trying to kill him.  Of course my primary goal was to eat him and killing him would have just been a side effect of carving him up for my meal.     

Well, one of my nosey neighbors decided to get involved and called the Animal Control cops and they showed up and gave me a citation for plucking a turkey.  They said that plucking the turkey while he was alive was an act of animal cruelty.  "Well," I said, "I had gotten the turkey really drunk before I plucked out his feathers.  He didn’t seem to feel a thing while I was doing it."  Of course the cops just wrote me up another citation for giving alcohol to a turkey.  I guess there’s a law in Michigan that you can't provide alcohol to turkeys or any other type of bird. Then, I had to open my big mouth and say “He was a really young bird and I thought he’d be nice and tender.” 

“Well, how old was that turkey?” one of the cops asked me. 
Not over a few months old,” I answered.  So, I got another fine for serving alcohol to a minor.   The fines were pretty stiff too.  Each citation was five-hundred dollars and all together they added up to about a year’s wages for this trailer park psychic.  Of course the turkey fared a lot better than I did since he was taken to an animal shelter and adopted by some rich family who saw him on the local news broadcast.  They then setup one of those donation funding accounts on the internet for the bird’s education and raised over a million dollars in donations. 


Of course I ended up celebrating Thanksgiving over a bowl of Ramen noodles because that's all I had left in the house.  I had invested all my money in the live bird for Turkey Day and didn't even have any money left to buy a bag of chips at the gas station.   I’m just glad the Ramen noodles were chicken flavored because I doubt I’ll be able to stomach turkey for a very long time.    

Happy Holidays
PSY MMMMM    

Friday, November 6, 2015

NAPOLEON BUILT THE GREAT PYRAMIDS TO CURE HONEY HAMS

Pyramids of Mars?
  Illustrations of Earth's Pyramids are Unavailable
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Northern Michigan’s Trailer Park Psychic

I hope everyone had a happy Halloween.  I certainly did.  In fact, I had the best Halloween I have ever had.  You see I was able to download a bunch of Halloween candy coupons and those coupons allowed me to get some great deals on all kinds of candy bars.  

Normally, I just get a sack of those little multicolored candy corns (I like to tell the kids they're my old teeth) and pass one corn out to each kid but, this year I had all kinds of good stuff so I decided not to turn my porch light on for trick-or-treaters and just keep all the candy for myself.  I figured if the little monsters want to vandalize my trailer for not giving out candy this year then, they could just go ahead and do it.  After all, there isn’t too much damage they can do to my old trailer and they certainly couldn’t do any more damage than the damage done last year when a biker gang from Grand Rapids crashed my Sweetest Day party. I mean they literally crashed their bikes through the walls of my trailer.  The damage was extensive but luckily I had a stockpile of rolled plastic and duct tape so I pretty much got the place back into shape in just a few hours.  Beyond that, there were no serious casualties on that day but the bikers did break my heart when they stole the keg.  I was counting on the keg's deposit money to take a tour of the cheese factory in Mancelona.  I'm not too crazy about the cheese but, the wine they give you to wash down the samples will put a real kink in your nose hairs if you know what I mean. 

Anyway, the trick-or-treaters didn’t bother trying to damage my trailer but, they did cover the place with toilet paper.  Now, that wasn't so bad because I was able to get out and get all the toilet paper into trash bags before it rained so, I won’t need to buy any toilet paper until at least 2025. 

Well, now that Halloween is over I'm going to make a major prediction for the end of the year.  My prediction is that a very important politician (VIP) will reveal that the great pyramids were built by Napoleon as a place to cure hams.  This VIP will assert that Napoleon knew that if he were going to conquer the world he’d need a place to cure hams to feed his army.  To be more specific, Napoleon liked to give away a delicious Christmas ham to each of his millions of soldiers and Egypt has the perfect climate to cure honey hams. Now we all know that Pyramids are the perfect shape for conducting psychic electricity but, pyramids are also the perfect shape for collecting and reflecting ham-gamma rays. Personally, I won’t buy a ham unless it is certified as being cured by ham-gamma rays because ham-gamma rays just make that ham taste oh so good. Of course, Halloween candy tastes pretty good too. 


Saturday, July 4, 2015

WATCH OUT FOR SHARKS AT LAKE MICHIGAN BEACHES AND, HAVE A HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Assistant Associate Team-Leader-Member Contributor
And Resident Registered Psychic
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, the 4th of July holiday is upon us and I've been working hard to predict how this holiday will turnout for all the beach people who are going out there to swim in the big lakes.  In general, I have concluded after spending several hours in a trance that this should be an ideal weekend for those going to the beach except, for those who are attacked by sharks.

Now,  shark attacks are quite common in the great lakes during the summer months and occasionally one of those nasty fish will come right up through the ice and grab a fisherman in the winter.  Of course the number of shark attacks in the Great Lakes continues to climb season after season ever since the state of Michigan decided to introduce highly predatory creatures into the Lake Michigan to keep illegal natives of the state of Wisconsin from entering our state.  Wisconsinites were notorious for sneaking contraband into Michigan like cheese and beer.  On land they're caught at the border most of the time but, the Michigan Coast Guard just could not patrol 100% of the lake shore so drastic methods had to implemented to protect Michigan's native cheese and beer industries.

I'm sure a lot of you are saying to your like-minded friends on your twitter accounts that there are no sharks in the Great Lakes.  For, it is common knowledge on social media that sharks cannot live in the Great Lakes because the water is too polluted.  Well, like most tweets on twitter, you would be wrong.

You see, several years ago the state of Michigan asked the notorious scientist and inventor of the Frankenmoose, if he would develop predatory sharks that could live in the polluted waters of Lake Michigan.   Well, it wasn't long before the good doctor had perfected several species of sharks who could thrive in polluted waters anywhere on earth.

So, I do predict the number of shark attacks on Lake Michigan waters will far exceed the number of attacks from last year.  You probably don't have to be a psychic to predict this "no-brainer."  Of course, if you simply go to the beach and lounge around without going into the water your chances of a shark attack go down to about 10%.  However, those who are venturing into the waters this holiday should expect to loose some sort of limb or, internal organ or, some other protrusion.  And, if you still decide that you want to go into the water then, just don't splash around too much and definitely do not pass gas.  Flatulence is like a dinner bell to freshwater predators like the great-white and tiger sharks.  

Overall, I predict a sunny holiday with warm temperatures yet, just enough breeze for you people who like to scoot around on little dingy-sized sailboats.
And, as always in Northern Michigan the nightlife and fireworks will be superb this year.  So, Happy Fourth of July.  

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

MADAM MYSTIC MISTY MURKY MERKEL ON "HOW I CAME TO BE"

by Madam Mystic Misty (Murky) Merkel
Associate Psychic Correspondent
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, it's another month and I have to predict that the weather will be hot and dry.  There will be some movies released but, all but a couple will be flops.

And, speaking of flops, my sisters came up to visit me recently and we had some catching up to do.   As most people know my sisters were born at the same time that I was and, I don't mean we were born a few hours apart or even minutes apart.  Instead, we all three came out at the exact same time.  I guess that's kind of rare except in cases where the parents are close relatives.   My parents are only shirttail cousins so; the aforementioned close-relatives case did not apply. 

Now, as far as names are concerned my parents had no idea what to name us girls until after we were born.  Then, as the story goes that my dad always told, dad took a look at each one of us and named us after whatever descriptive word popped into his brain and since my dad loved limericks he decided to rhyme all three names.  The first one he named was my sister Christie.  He named here Christie because she looked like his first girlfriend Christie Margot. 

Well, with the first of us being named Christie I and my unnamed sister would have to have names that rhymed with Christy.  So, as my dad told us he looked at me and saw that my eyes were a milky-blue like they had mist over them so, that's why he named me Misty.  Then, he saw my as yet unnamed sister and noticed that she was kind of all jumbled up.  It seems her arms were down where her legs should be and her legs were up where her arms should be and her head was stuck-up in a place that I'm not going to mention in this blog because she'd never forgive me.   Anyway, my dad noticed how twisted up she was so he named her Twisty.

Now, although poor little Twisty was born with things not being quite in the right place, being that she was a newborn baby her skin and bones were still very pliable and the midwife who delivered us was some sort of Rubik's Cube champion and she immediately went to work on Christy, moving her little limbs and head around into all sorts of contorted ways until Christy looked just like a normal little girl.   

So, all three of us were born healthy little kids with a neat story to tell as to how each of us was named by our father.  However, I have to say that dad’s story turned out to be a big lie; at least it was a big lie in my case.  For several years later when I was applying for my driver’s license and needed my birth certificate I noticed that on the birth certificate my first name was not Misty but instead, was Murky.   That's right; my real name is Murky Merkel.  I was of course extremely depressed.  My father had abandoned our family to make another one when I and my sisters were just eight years old so I couldn't feel any more anger at my dad for naming Murky then I had for him for leaving our family to begin a new, "better family" as he tells all of his relatives.


I did find out from my dad's dad why I was named Murky.  Evidently my dad took one look at me and said that I was a "sullen, uninspiring little girl that had no pizzazz."  And, that's why they call me Murky although; I still go by Misty to the public.  I figure that for seventeen years I went my Misty and everyone knew me by that name that I should still be able to use it.  Misty may not be the name on my drives license but, the photo on my driver’s license doesn’t look much like me either.  In fact, if you looked at that photo you'd probably think that the person in the photo looked like a Murky Merkel.  A photo ID never shows much "pizzazz."   

Friday, May 1, 2015

MICHIGAN PSYCHIC MISTY (MURKY) MERKEL GOES FOR A SPIN IN SPACE

by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty(Murky) Merkel
Associate Contributor
Psychic News Nuts
A Division of Humor News Nuts Publications

I'm finally back home again.  I've been out of it for the last few days but, now I'm back on Earth again.  You see a couple of days ago this horrific tornado rolled through my trailer park lifting up every single trailer from its tie-downs.  Now, the thing about Michigan tornados is that they are not very wide and don't spin very fast but, they stretch way up into the sky all the way to outer-space. 

So anyway, this tornado comes right through the trailer park and picks up every single trailer and spins them all the way up to the space station.  My trailer even smacked into the space station and I lost an old TV antenna.  It din’s work anyway but, it's going to take more than a couple of spacewalks to repair the damage the antenna did to the station.

I know a lot of people are probably asking how anyone could survive in space in an old trailer but you know what, these old trailers are pretty air tight.  I did have to close off the vent on my wood-stove but, once the vent was closed I was relatively safe from the vacuum of space.

The constant spinning was a bit annoying but, it did create an artificial gravity field so that kept me from floating all over the place. 

I count myself as being lucky because I had an emergency stock of Jimmy's Hard Mud Cider to drink.  The cider helped to steady the ride and made the touchdown of my trailer back on planet earth feel as gentle as a snowmobile falling off a cliff into a snowbank.

I’m not sure if I hit my head or if it was the hard cider but, I slept on the floor for a couple of days.  When I looked outside I found that I had landed in the exact spot that my trailer had been sitting before the tornado.  What luck.  I just hope my old trailer didn’t mess up the International Space Station too much.


I don’t have a lot of predictions for this month.  My head is still spinning from my ride up into outer space.  I do think that there will be a close encounter with a comet somewhere in this solar system.  I also predict warm weather in the tropics and as almost always, Northern Michigan will be cold.   

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

NOT ALL ZOMBIES EAT BRAINS

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

I am getting really tired of people saying that all zombies eat brains. I happen to know a few zombies and their favorite food is cat food and strawberries. When I invite my zombie friends over I open up a few large cans of cat food and poor strawberry jam over it. Boy do those zombies love that stuff. The only problem with zombies is that they will not stop eating until they are full. I think that that is part of the reason zombies have such a bad reputation. Of course the red strawberry jam running out of their mouths might also give people the wrong idea, not to mention the texture of cat food.

The problem with running out of food when you invite zombies over for supper is that the zombie will start chewing on anything they can grab in order to satisfy their cat food/strawberry stimulated appetites. A hungry zombie might eat your TV guide, the arms off your chairs and, the arms off your kids or maybe your favorite pet guinea pig. I lost my favorite guinea pig to a zombie friend once and I have not invited her back to my place since. Although she might be a zombie she should still respect my things. After all, I don’t go over to the ditch where my friends lies during the daytime and eat any of her cattails or any of the maggots she has crawling all over her comatose zombie corpse.

Overall, I try not to dwell on the indiscretion of one former zombie friend. Instead, I enjoy the company of the undead. Most of them don’t smell too bad if they drink lots of mint tea. It seems the mint sort of oozes around inside the zombie and helps to sweeten the dead flesh. Of course I also burn flower flavored candles in my trailer before my zombie company arrive. I do have to put the candles out before the zombies arrive because zombies are just so klutzy that they knock over everything and candles in a trailer is really a big no, no anyway.

One good thing about zombies is that they won’t dirty any silverware or plates and they never use napkins. Wiping their mouths with a napkin is considered to be just a waste of good food. Zombies eat with their fingers until one day every zombie seems to get so excited over their meal that they accidentally bite their fingers off. After their fingers are gone then the zombie will eat out of the palm of their hand until one day they bite their palm off. Then they eat with the stub of the forearm until that’s ate off and so on up the arm until they are eating their food off just a short stub of their forearm. Many zombies are lucky enough to have their teeth fall out long before they have eaten themselves up to the elbow.

One more thing that you have to remember when serving zombies is that you cannot serve them food that has any salt in it. Salt burns the flesh of the undead something awful. Of course everyone knows that you never rub salt into an open wound. For zombies their entire bodies are just one big open wound. I have a blood pressure problem myself so I use herbs on all the foods I prepare anyways.

Overall, please don’t treat zombies in a bad way. After all, they used to be people too. Zombies should be befriended and not feared. They don’t even eat humans unless they run out of cat food. Finally, you should treat zombies with the same respect you treat old people. After all, someday you might be one.

Monday, April 6, 2015

MADAM MISTY MERKEL AND THE BATS IN THE BEDROOM

by Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Psychic News Director
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, spring has come to Northern Michigan and I can again hear the pitter-patter of little wings flying in and out of my spare bedroom.  The racket in my little bedroom indicates to me that the many thousands of bats that I share my trailer with me each winter have awakened from their hibernation and are now out snatching up flies and other bugs as they hatch out in my neighborhood.

Of course, many people would be disturbed if they shared their home with a bunch of guano dumping flying rodents but, I am kind of proud of my roomers.  I certainly like them better than previous roomers I have had staying in my little extra bedroom.  And, although the bats pay no rent they are still less expensive and far easier to live with than most of my former tenants turned out to be.

For instance, there was this woman called MS Wong.  She certainly was a nice enough lady and paid most of her rent most of the time but, she always lifted the toilet seat up whenever she left the bathroom.  I asked her why she did this and she told me that she grew up in a family with five brothers and they never lifted the toilet seat so, the seat was always wet when she went to sit down.  So, after a while she got in the habit of lifting the seat up on her brother's behalf so, she wouldn’t get a surprise when she was in a hurry.

Now, although MS Wong's story was cute and sweet still, poor Madam Misty had more than a couple of surprises when she had to make a midnight trip to the potty.   Naturally, Ms. Wong did not get her rental agreement renewed.

Then, there was the red-haired lady named Mrs. Shapley.  She was a nice enough lady as well except, she had a little dog name Snickers.  Of course by little dog I am being facetious since Snickers was actually a very large Doberman and he liked to attack and bite Madam Misty.  I really like Mrs. Shapley and Snickers was a good dog except for the biting thing but, after Madam Misty's third trip to the emergency room and corresponding third blood transfusion, it was clear that Snickers and his owner were not a good fit for me personally.

My final human tenant in the little bedroom was Mr. Beekman.  Now, Mr. Beekman was a very elderly gentleman and a retired merchant mariner.  I rented the room to him because I thought he could afford the $9.99 a week rent.  I figured that he had to be pulling in at least $400 a month in Social Security money.   Well, sure enough Mr. Beekman paid his rent every week with a $10.00 bill and told me to keep the difference.  What's more, not only did Mr. Beekman not have any pets but, he had the courtesy of never lifting the toilet set up.  Of course, I would have preferred he did lift the seat up when he used the bathroom and then put it down again but, getting just a little bit wet in the middle of the night versus getting an unexpected dunking was certainly an improvement.  It seemed that in Mr. Beekman I had finally found a tenant I could live with.
   
For several weeks all was going well with my living arrangements with Mr. Beekman then suddenly, after the first two months he started falling behind on his rent until he soon owed me rent for about 15 weeks.  Now, at about the same time as Mr. Beekman became seriously in arrears on his rent hunting season was about to start and Mr. Beekman got out his shotgun and started target practicing outside of the trailer.  The noise of the gunfire was a bit disturbing but, he always quit about midnight each evening and went into his bedroom to go to bed and smoke cigarettes until he fell asleep.  But one night, at about three in the morning, I woke up to the sound of gunfire.  It only took me a second to realize that the gunfire was coming from Mr. Beckman’s room.  I went to his door and called "Mr. Beekman, are you alright?"

Mr. Beekman did not answer at first except to fire several more rounds.  Then finally, Mr. Beekman yelled "Fire!  The place is on fire Madam Misty."

I immediately remembered that I had a fire extinguisher down by the woodstove so I ran down and got it then, ran back to Mr. Beckman’s room and shoved open the door just in time to see Mr. Beekman exiting the room through a hole he had blown in the side of the trailer.  I looked around for the room and spotted a fire burning in the wastebasket next to Mr. Beckman’s bed.  I quickly put out the fire with the fire extinguisher while Mr. Beekman breathed a sigh of relief after escaping the burning trailer with his life and his shotgun.

"Are you o.k.?" I asked the old mariner as he gasped to catch his breath.
"I'm fine Madam Misty," he replied.  "I'm just lucky I had my shotgun with me so I could blow a hole in the wall and escape with my life."

"You know I think you probably could have gotten out faster just by leaving your room and exiting the trailer through the front door," I pointed out.

"Yeah but, I've face down death before on the high seas and I survived by acting first before thinking.  You see back during the Vietnam War, wow, am I glad I opted out of that one; I was once on a ship that caught fire out in Lake Huron.   I was a cook in the galley when I accidentally dropped one of my cigarettes into a vat of grease.  The grease started to smoke so, fearing an explosion and fire I abandoned ship."

"That's horrible," I said, "so what happened?"

"Well, noting happened to the ship.  It seems the grease never actually caught fire and no one else jumped off the boat.  No one even realized I was overboard until someone observed that no one had cooked any food for super.  I was left alone on Lake Huron to drift with just my pack of cigarettes to keep me afloat.  Finally, I drifted to shore but, the shore was located in Canada."

"You poor man," I said sympathetically.

"Yes," he said," I was stranded there in Canada until I could escape 15 years later.  I don't know how I survived.  Their culture was alien to me.  I couldn't digest their food and I didn’t speak a word of their language.  After a few hours of being in Canada I had given up on living then, a group of Native Americans found me and took me into their tribe.  They taught me how to live in that terrible place so very far from my home.  Finally, I made it back into Michigan."
"But, how did you get past the guards at the border.  Without proper papers I'm sure they would never let you back in."

"Well Madam Misty, I used the oldest trick in the book.  I simply walked across the border backwards and the border patrol thought I was leaving."

"Clever," I said admiring Mr. Beekman’s ingenuity.  

"Well, I guess I'm going to have to be moving on from here Madam Misty," Mr. Beekman said in a sullen tone.  "If you'd just hand me my suitcase, it's already packed and, I'll be on my way."

"You could keep staying here Mr. Beekman," I said, "I'm sure my insurance company will repair this wall right away.'

"No, I think I should be moving on now," Mr. Beekman said shaking his head no," I won't of course have to pay you the $9.99 rent or any of the back rent I own you since, it was your trailer that caught on fire and I feel very distraught after barely escaping the inferno.  And, you know how litigation over rent and violations of safety code could drag on for years and no one knows for sure how it will turn out so, I think it best we settle it right now by calling us even, don't you Madam Misty?"

Of course Mr. Beekman," I said, “so, good luck to you and stop back again any time,"

And with that Mr. Beekman walked off into the early morning fog and I have never seen him again.

As for the insurance to fix the hole in my trailer; the insurance company sent out an adjuster and he nailed a green tarp over the hole.  Two weeks later the insurance company sent me a letter denying my claim and billing me $5.00 for the tarp and another $35 dollars for the labor the insurance adjuster used to nail the tarp up over the hole.  

Well, it's been four years since Mr. Beekman moved out and since then the tarp has long been ripped away by the wind leaving my extra bedroom open to the elements.    The bats moved in about three years ago and I haven't had any problem with them at all.  I keep the door on the bedroom shut so the bats can't go near my bathroom and monkey with my toilet seat.  They also don't have any chance to bite me or make nearly as much noise as a shotgun.  They don't keep their rent up but, most people don't do that either.  So, overall, the bats are still the best tenants I've ever had.    
         
   
         
     


Sunday, March 8, 2015

THE DAY THE EARTH MOVED FORWARD ONE HOUR

BY PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY (MURKY) MERKEL
Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Publications

I happened to look at my calendar today and found out that it's March.  In fact, it's the 8th of March and I'm missing a whole week.  I am also missing an hour since Daylight Savings Time starts today.  I guess Daylight Savings Time is some sort of government holiday because I don't think the rest of the world cares.  It's just another day that mail isn't delivered and since it's Sunday anyway again, it's a holiday that just doesn't matter to normal people like me.

Well, anyway I have some pretty important predictions for March.  For one thing leprechauns aren't going to be welcomed at most hotels in Northern Michigan for St. Patrick’s Day because of the nasty way they tore everything up last year.  I mean that they came up here from Bay City last year and just tore every hotel that they stayed in to ruins.  I mean those little guys caused some gigantic damage.  For instance, at one of our best hotels the little guys ripped all the newspaper off the walls and ceilings and burned it in the wood-stove.  So, that hotel didn't have any insulation in it for the next six months.  It took that long to gather up enough old newspapers to cover all the ceiling and wall surfaces.
Leprechauns did even worse damage at a prestigious downtown hotel when they cut peep holes in all the outhouses so no one had any privacy when they had to see Mrs. Jones (Mrs. Jones is what my grandmother use to call a toilet.)

Now, I do have other predictions, like the one about what happens when a bear walks into a forest in the spring?  All the trees are scared into leafing.   Ha, Ha.  But seriously, March is going to be a month with unstable temperatures and icy roads.  Some people will finally take down their outdoor Christmas decorations and realize after finding all the holes in their plastic reindeer that those were gunshots they heard on New Year’s Eve and not firecrackers.

Well, I got to wrap it up now.  I'm predicting that I'm going to have a busy time this month since with all the melting snow many people will be having their septic tanks backing up into their trailers.  Most people I know can't afford a professional to fix their problem so they call on me to see if I can drive away the evil spirits with a séance and hence, keep the spirits from gurgling up from just below ground level.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.  I still charge $10 whether I'm successful or not.  I should charge more but, I've found that if the client is only out $10 then, if things don't work out I'm not so likely to be turned into the authorities again.  Fines and bail money can really eat into an honest psychic’s profit.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

MY TRAILER PARK CABLE SERVICE

by Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Resident Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, it's February and it is cold here in the far North, It’s too cold to walk to the gas station so, I'm going to have to make my own wine.  The problem is that I just don't have any berries to crush.  I went around the neighborhood to see if there were any berries growing and I didn't find a one.  I did pick a few dead maple leaves but, I've never heard of wine made from leaves before and I can't find any recipe.  Maybe leaf wine is poison.  Maybe it causes brain injuries or some other disease like typhoid or malaria.   I just don't know.  If only I had cable news to watch I'd probably know these things.

I don't have cable news to watch because the monthly bill for cable is more then I pay for lot rent.  I do occasionally have Internet service but, only when there's a full moon.  We never use to have Internet but then, there was this big meteorite that crashed right in the center of our town.  It had all kinds of metal things sticking out of it and nobody still knows where or what it is.  Some think it's a part off the space station and it feel to earth when the space station was destroyed by aliens.  So I asked this guy I know named Tim Colin and he investigates space invaders and he said the space station hasn't been destroyed, yet.  However, he did say it will be destroyed in the distant future and maybe the meteorite that crashed in my trailer park was a part of that destroyed space station that had traveled back in time through some sort of time vortex.  I didn't understand what Tim was talking about.  It all sounded really weird to me but, I didn't have to take any science school so I wouldn't know.  I'm glad I never had science because now my brain isn't cluttered with all that razz-a-ma-tazz space-time-vortex stuff.  Instead, I can concentrate on stuff that matters to people on a day to day basis like predicting the future and contacting the spirit world.

Speaking of predicting the future, I have to tell you that I predict that the rest of February is going to be really cold.  I also predict that ice fishing will become so popular this winter that it will be included in the next Winter Olympics.  Of course I also predict that tweeting will become an event at the Olympic Summer Games.  Personally, I tried tweeting but no one listened.  In fact I ended up with a -300 followers.  It seems that somehow I had more people "unfollow" than follow so after my first day of tweeting I quit.  I still have an account but, I’m afraid to see how many “unfollows” I have now.  

Finally, I want to remind everyone that February is National Trailer Park Beautification Month.  Here in Michigan we have a trailer park beautification contest this month and I think if we'd just get about five more meet of snow, my park just might win.  
T

Monday, February 2, 2015

THE SHADOW OF THE DEMON BEAST OR, GROUND HOG DAY

by Local Legend Psychic Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel
Assistant Associate Contributing Author

Well, today is the day you must stay inside and nail your doors and windows shut.  You see, it is the day of reckoning for everyone in Northern Michigan and horrific little monsters are burrowing out from the bowels of the cold, cold earth to go hunting for some hot steamy meat.   I am of course talking about ground hogs.  Now, normally ground hogs are creatures that eat only vegetation however, the particular breed of ground hog found in Northern Michigan, eats only living human flesh.  

Although these little carnivores terrorize everyone in the area they do have one good quality; they only tunnel up from below and attack one day each year and then they return to their cold subterranean world to sleep and dream of devouring warm human flesh on their own very special day.  That day is known as Ground Hog Day and is celebrated in many places by observing a less aggressive species of ground hog as it looks to see if its shadow appears.  I'm not sure what the significance of seeing or not seeing a shadow has but, I'm told it is something to do with predicting the weather for the next six weeks.  Well, in Northern Michigan I can tell you that you don't need a psychic or a ground hog to predict the weather for February and the first half of March.  It is going to be snowy, slippery and cold.  People who live in Northern Michigan know that we have only two seasons:  Winter and Wintrier.  We are currently in the Wintrier season.

Now, as far as the meat-eating ground hogs in Northern Michigan I can tell you that although they may appear to be relatively small compared to a human, a one foot tall ground hog can easily devour 10-20 adult humans in a single twenty four hour period.  I'm sure some of you are asking how this is possible.  Well, all I can tell you is that those little ground hogs completely digest their food as soon as they swallow it.  It's really quite amazing.  Last year I watched from my trailer bay front widow as Old Henry was completely consumed by a ground hog that probably weighed less than 15 lbs.  Old Henry was a bulky man who weighed easily 300 lbs.  I was shocked to see that little ground hog shove that very large man down its throat and as the man went into the mouth of the ground hog a large tube of scat began flowing from the ground hogs back-end.  It was amazing and very fortuitous for this psychic madam because right where the ground hog was depositing Old Henry I happened to grow a small patch of begonia every year and last year I won a blue ribbon for having the most beautiful begonias in the entire trailer park.

Of course, I don't intend to end up as fertilizer in someone’s flower garden so; I am staying inside all day and all night on Ground Hog Day.  I just hope those little demon beasts don't get into my septic tank and try getting into my trailer through my toilet bowl.  I have snakes coming up in my toilet a couple times a week and once in a while a half-drowned rabbit will scamper out of my bathroom.  I just might purposely plug up my toilet with toilet paper for the rest of the day to keep those little demon ground hogs from using my pipes to enter my home.   You see, you just got do what you got to do on Ground Hog Day.     
      

So, stay safe on Ground Hog Day and try not to end up fertilizing someone’s begonias.

Friday, January 2, 2015

MADAM MYSTIC MISTY MURKY MERKEL PREDICTS TURBULENT TIMES IN 2015

by Madam Mystic Misty (Murky) Merkel
Associate Commentator
Humor News Nuts Publications

It's 2015 and time again for my predictions for the entire year.  Overall, I see turbulent times ahead.  I see trailer houses spinning around in major tornadic vortexes.  I predict roof cave-ins caused by snow and landslides caused by leaking toilet seals.  I further predict dire hurricanes and tropical storms so powerful that palm trees will be ripped up and transplanted to Canada and Bigfoot monsters will be whisked away from Canada and will end up picking pineapples on the big Island of Hawaii.  A few of the better looking and more mannerly Bigfoots will work as living beach towels at Waikiki. 

I also see volcanoes, snowstorms and sinkholes in Florida.  I see giant alligators in Lake Michigan attacking submarines.  I see aliens from space kissing women and spreading cold sores.  I see chickens and ducks mating and creating a new super fowl race called chucks. 

These chucks will build super robots and the super robots will build super computers and the super computers will build super printing machines and these super printing machines will print trillions of fake manufacturers’ coupons.  These counterfeit coupons will flood big box stores and cause a financial panic that will cause the stock market to plummet and all the governments of the world will be completely broke.  Banks will fail, companies will fail, crops will fail, tires will fail, my diet will fail and all matter of good things that we took for granted in 2014 will disappear from reality.  The Lions winning season, the end of the world party at CMU, free peanuts night at the Pervusville Bar and Laundromat ; all these good things will be lost forever unless...Sorry but my crystal ball just went blank and my backup crystal ball got broke during a pretty wild neighborhood New Year’s Eve party.  I could try to go into a trance but, that requires me to drink a couple of bottles of wine and with my hangover from the New Year’s Eve party I don’t think I could keep down a single sip of wine.  So, I guess we'll all just have to wait and see what the future holds.  It's probably best that way.  After all, “the only thing we have to fear is if we know too much information.”  I think President Nixon said that or, was it President Clinton?   Anyway, until next time think happy thoughts and good luck in 2015.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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