by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic
This year on Thanksgiving I decided to have a fresh turkey for dinner instead of a dead frozen bird. So, I went to this farmer who raises turkeys and bought a live bird and took it home with me. When I got the bird home to my trailer I decided to get the bird drunk before I did him in. I couldn't bear the thought that the big pretty Tom I had brought into my home would suffer at all at my hands so, I opened up a bottle of wine to share with the fowl. So, we spent the afternoon drinking. I figured that I'd get the big bird so plastered that he wouldn’t feel any pain and then I’d knock him in the head with something. So, I poured out into an old dog dish I had lying around, about two cups of wine. “Here, why don’t you have a drink with me to celebrate Thanksgiving,” I said to the turkey.
Up until then the turkey hadn’t uttered even a peep since I got bought him. But, when he saw the wine he immediately sucked the wine up into his beak and down his gizzard and finished swallowing it followed by a loud “Burp!” The turkey then looked me straight in the eye and said in a high-pitched, nasally voice, “That tastes pretty good, could I have some more please?”
I then filled his dish with wine and guzzled a couple of glasses of the vino myself. After that I guess the wine must have really affected the turkey because to my surprise the turkey started to become real chatty. I mean he started talking about himself and telling me all of his problems and dashed hopes and I didn’t think he'd ever shut up.
"You know I always wanted to go to college," he said, "but, I just came from such a poor social background that they'd never let me into any decent school. I didn’t have the kind of money it takes to get into a really good school anyway. Of course I could have gone to one of those community colleges I suppose; they accept anyone as long as they have the money to pay. But, you know it's hard to have a good paying career even with an Associate’s degree because there are so many people who have one now days. Could I have some more wine please, it seems my doggy dish is empty.”
I filled the dish up yet again with wine. "Maybe you could've gone to beauty school like I did" I said. "I couldn't make a career out of it because I had too many accidents that resulted in numerous lawsuits but, beauty school did teach me the discipline I needed to eventually perfect the craft of being a psychic."
The turkey looked at me with his head tilted sideways and said "I never pictured myself as being a common laborer. I mean working in a service industry is just not quite up to my expectations in life. I always thought that I'd be pretty good at engineering and what I really wanted to be was an architect. I always thought that I could design wondrous buildings that everyone would talk about centuries from now."
Well, this bird was really kind of making me mad. He seemed to be insulting me because of the career path I had taken in a service industry. It was about then that I decided that this bird had enough to drink and it was time to conk him on the noggin and knock him out so I said to him “Hey look, there’s a big juicy worm crawling down there on the floor.
The turkey bent down to take a better look and said, “I don’t see any worm. Where’s he at? I’m getting pretty hungry. It must be about dinner time right now.” The big Tom then cocked his head sideways and placed his ear down against the floor. I still don’t see any worm but, I can hear some carpenter ants chewing away under your floorboards.”
“Well, just keep looking,” I said. “The worm is right there and I’m about ready to serve dinner.” At that moment I picked up off the floor a really big Petoskey stone I had been using as a doorstop and just as the turkey raised his head up from the floor I knocked the turkey in the side of the head with the stone. The turkey immediately dropped to the floor and was completely unconscious. I then decided that I had better eat the bird before he became conscious so I pulled out all of his feathers and threw him upon onto my turkey platter that sat on the kitchen table. I figured that the bird could come to at any time so, I didn’t bother trying to cook him. I just decided to eat him raw. So, I took my carving knife and fork and stuck the fork into the bird and that sent the bird bustling off the table and out the door and down the road squawking and screaming like someone was trying to kill him. Of course my primary goal was to eat him and killing him would have just been a side effect of carving him up for my meal.
Well, one of my nosey neighbors decided to get involved and called the Animal Control cops and they showed up and gave me a citation for plucking a turkey. They said that plucking the turkey while he was alive was an act of animal cruelty. "Well," I said, "I had gotten the turkey really drunk before I plucked out his feathers. He didn’t seem to feel a thing while I was doing it." Of course the cops just wrote me up another citation for giving alcohol to a turkey. I guess there’s a law in Michigan that you can't provide alcohol to turkeys or any other type of bird. Then, I had to open my big mouth and say “He was a really young bird and I thought he’d be nice and tender.”
“Well, how old was that turkey?” one of the cops asked me.
Not over a few months old,” I answered. So, I got another fine for serving alcohol to a minor. The fines were pretty stiff too. Each citation was five-hundred dollars and all together they added up to about a year’s wages for this trailer park psychic. Of course the turkey fared a lot better than I did since he was taken to an animal shelter and adopted by some rich family who saw him on the local news broadcast. They then setup one of those donation funding accounts on the internet for the bird’s education and raised over a million dollars in donations.
Of course I ended up celebrating Thanksgiving over a bowl of Ramen noodles because that's all I had left in the house. I had invested all my money in the live bird for Turkey Day and didn't even have any money left to buy a bag of chips at the gas station. I’m just glad the Ramen noodles were chicken flavored because I doubt I’ll be able to stomach turkey for a very long time.