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Thursday, December 13, 2012

NORTHERN MICHIGAN TRAILER PARK LIVING


By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I predict that winter is going to last a really long time this year for people in the North while people in the South will have a wonderful time soaking up the sun.

You know the saying “The grass is always greener,” well believe me it is true.  I received a postcard from the sisters Christie and Twisty Merkel and they are down in Miami.  They said the sun is so warm and the grass is so green that a person could forget that a place like Kalamazoo Michigan even existed.   Well I just threw out that postcard and I’m going to pretend I never got it.  They are just really rubbing it in because I’m stuck in a trailer park way up in Northern Michigan this winter and I don’t have the money to even get to the balmy Michigan weather they are having down in Detroit.  I don’t think they even have a foot of snow down in Detroit and with my finances I can only dream about getting that far south.  In fact with my finances I can't even dream about turning the furnace up to 60 degrees.  I have a wood stove but it's hard to maintain much of a woodlot when you live in a trailer park.  I do raid the dumpsters sometimes in order to find some furniture to burn but the pickings for furniture are pretty slim.  I tried burning plastic bottles that I got out of the dumpster but the fumes made me see double and my head felt like it was detaching from my body.  Usually, I only have these problems on New Years Eve. Of course on New Years Day I wish my head was detached from my body that way I'd only have a headache and not the stomach and bowl problems that excess wine gives a person.  I get so gassed up I feel like had spent the night at an all you can eat taco bar.  .

Another irritating thing about the weather up here right now is that part of the roof on my trailer caved in.     It happened to be my bedroom so this morning I woke-up with wet sheets and snow in my face.  Then, when I rolled out of bed and my feet hit the floor the flow gave way under me and I ended up standing with my legs in the crawl space and the rest of me standing up in the bedroom above the floor line.  I was so disgusted that I sat down on the floor behind me only to have my behind smack down to the crawl space because the entire floor in the room was too sopped with water to support me.   Finally, I made my way to the hallway and was able to find some solid floor to climb up on.

I should not be surprised that my floor collapsed with all that water on it.  A few years ago when I was getting out of the tub the floor gave way underneath me and I am not a heavy woman.  The woman a couple of trailers down from mine was sitting on the pot once and the whole thing went right through the floor.  She was a good fifty pounds heavy than myself so I could see her floor giving way underneath her but, I never thought it would happen to me.  I guess it’s that cheap glue they use in that particle board that just does not hold up under water.  My next floor is going to be made out of something water proof because leaking roofs and pipes are what trailer living is all about;  not to mention living with the constant fear of cave-ins from both above and below.





Thursday, December 6, 2012

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS FIRST CONTACT

By Madam Misty Merkle
The Trailer Park Psychic

Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called “perverter boxes” but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new airwave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out. No one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth “Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by.” Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were “if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material “made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos”. I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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