THE PSYCHIC MISTY MERKEL DOES NOT TWEET

By Madam Misty Merkel
I am not going to be sending out my important predictions dealing with the future of humanity via a “tweet”. For one thing, I have enough trouble making a phone call with those little numbers and letters on my cell phone. Every single month I find on my bill a call that I accidentally made to places like Cuba, Peru or, Brazil. I don’t know people in any of those types of countries and even if I did, I can’t speak anything except American.

Another problem I have with tweeting is that you can only use like about 150 words on your tweet. Well, I’m sorry but, I am an educated woman. I went to Beauty College for six months of my life. I have a vocabulary of at least 300-400 words. My friend Wilma has a pet rooster that knows 600 words. Limiting the number of words you can use to communicate sounds to me like some sort of plot to dumb down planet earth. I don’t need my crystal ball to figure out that beings from another world are trying to make us all stupid. (I had a brand new crystal ball but, I broke it lawn bowling at a party last week.)

Well, it’s going to take more than tweeting and watching reality TV to make this a planet full of stupids. We all know down here on earth how to deal with space invaders. We all learn at an early age that sometimes you have to shoot through your own protective bunkers to blast all the space aliens before they land. As long as we have video games to play and keep our minds sharp and our laser cannon skills upgraded as we progress, we will persevere.

THE CALANDAR SAYS THERE’S MONEY TO BE MADE IN 2011

By Madam Misty Merkel
Every psychic today is talking about the end of the world in 2012. Well, I’m not going to contradict my fellow psychics or psychopaths like my cousin Barbara. She’s been predicting the end of world since 1993. She also believes she’s Napoleon and wants to have a go at that whole Waterloo debacle. She thinks she has figured out what she did wrong the first time and wants a rematch. Of course my cousin Barbara has been put away in a special place so she would no longer be a menace to herself or others. I only visited her once and then she thought I was one of Napoleons mistresses. Boy was that awkward. The marks she left when she pinched me stayed red for weeks. Evidently, Napoleon liked the rough stuff.

Anyway, no matter what happens in 2012 I predict a real booming economy in 2011. When I rub my Petoskey stones they tell me things will be getting better. The spirits are mostly telling me things are getting better although you always have some pessimists on the spiritual side like Amelia Ayerheart. All I ever get from her is “My plane is crashing, my plane is crashing. I’m burning up.”

Now, although my prediction of a booming economy is based on my supernatural abilities to see into the future, there is a real economic factor coming up in 2011 that no other psychic or economist (overeducated psychic want-a-be) has yet foreseen. I am of course talking about the Mayan calendar running out in 2012. Since this 25,000 year old calendar is coming to its end of days, new calendars will have to be printed and sold to people throughout Central America and the world.

Most Americans have a plaster Mayan Calendar in their mobile home. I have one in every one of my rooms except for the bathroom. I just can’t stand a man with his tongue hanging out ogling anyone who needs to use the young ladies room. I don’t care if he is a god. It is still disturbing. The living room and bedrooms on the other hand, are a more appropriate setting for the tongue man calendar.

In order to take advantage of the upcoming run on Mayan calendars I’m going to buy a kiln and start slopping some plaster calandars together that will predict what is going to happen over the next 25,000 years. All I need are some Mayan priests to make the predictions and I will gladly draw pictures to represent these predictions. I got an A- in grade school for my artwork so I feel I am fully qualified to create little pictures in plaster that people can talk about and base their personal life strategies upon for the next 25,000 years.