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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

PSYCHIC MYSTY MERKEL PREDICTS FAMINE IN 2011

THE PHYSIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS 2010
By Madam Misty Merkel
The stock market will do a lot of bouncing around in the beginning of the year but, will end the year much lower. The economy will do better than this year in 2010 but, the stock market creeps will be betting at the end of this year that 2011 and 2012 will be dismal years for people wanting jobs. They will be right.

There will start to be some food shortages next year. I just hope my tomato plants turn out better next year because I love tomatoes and they are really high priced in the stores. Next year 25% of Americans will miss meals because of the bad economy. Poor people will continue to get fatter and more hated by people on TV. Poor people eat mostly starches which make them fat and stupid people like Mika Brezinsky on MSNBC want to punish them because they can’t afford to go to fat farms like she does. Her daddy was a big shot democrat Secretary of State under Jimmy Carter so, how does she know that poor people should be punished because they cannot afford to eat low fat caviar like she and her daddy eat? She thinks that eating low fat caviar is a no brainier. The no brainier is that no fat caviar cost per pound what most people in America make in a week.

Now that left wing rich kids are offended I will turn my predictions toward rich right wing men. Rupert Murdock will get what he wants next year. Everyone in America will have to pay him a dollar for placing his thing in our living room. For one dollar you will be able to watch his thing, touch his thing and massage his thing. All he wants is one dollar. The old and young men at the networks are eager to massage his thing. That’s why our cable bills will go much higher next year.

Seriously, people all around the planet will be starving in 2011. Here in Northern n Michigan we are working on a “Road Kill for the Homeless Campaign”.
When people here have left over road kill meat they are encouraged to donate it to the local Salvation Army. We take care of our own in Northern Michigan.

The Democrats will loose seats in Congress in 2011 but, who cares. Big companies control our government. Only rich guys get to run the large corporations and only rich guys get to runt the congress, courts and White House. Us poor fold need to concentrate on the things we can control like who will sleep with my neighbor and who will sleep with my neighbors wife.
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Thursday, November 5, 2009

PSYCHIC MISTY MERKEL HAS PREDICTIONS FOR NOVEMBER

Well, November is going to be a weird month for most of us normal people. It is going to be cold, cold, cold in Northern Michigan and in the paraphrased words of Gordon Lightfoot, the gales of November are coming early so, get your butts off the great lakes or they'll be ringing a bell in your memory like they do the lost crew of the Edmond Fitzgerald.

Those dog gone big lakes are just plain scary. I hate to cross the Mackinaw Bridge just North of here. A few years back when our country was importing super compact cars from Yugoslavia, there was one car called the Yougo. One windy day a lady was driving over the Mackinaw bridge and a wind came up and lifted her and her car up and over the bridge. She didn't make it. My sister Twisty said that "if you buy a Yougo you go over the bridge." She meant to be funny but I remember her dumb joke every time I go up across the bridge to visit my Native American friends at their many wonderful black jack tables in the Upper Peninsula.

I'm going to predict that black jack will be the next big televised sport on TV. It really ought to be an Olympic Sport. You could compete in black jack at both the summer and winter Olympics.

I predict that the Lions football team will continue to stink but, the Detroit Red Wings will continue their march to the Stanley Cup.

The stock market will continue to be choppy during the month of November. There will not be a lot of change by the end of the month. Gold and oil will both move higher. I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to the economy. I'm just reporting what the spirits are telling me.

A lot of people will be going to the movies in November. The Jim Carey
Scrooge movie will do exceptionally well. Good job Jimmy boy. If you die young I'll make sure I have a seance to contact your spirit. I only try to contact dead celebrities I like.

The Humor News Nuts people will be publishing again. They had their offices trashed by the Men In Black (MIB). Actually, the MIB people wear black and navy blue suits so they should be called the Men In Dark Suits (MIDS). I was told that the HNN (Humor News Nuts) people are publishing too many stories about the government lying about alien activity on Earth and immoral government experiments on humans and animals. I predict that the Humor News Nuts will be hard nuts and harden their positions in November and they will not be intimidated by the Men In Dark Suits (MIDS). I further predict that if they harden their positions, a lot more people will pay attention to the nuts.

November will end with a fairly nice Turkey Day, unless of course you are a turkey. Of course there is a country in the Mideast where turkeys rule. There they must have humans as the main course on turkey day (human day.) I'm not sure humans are that good to eat but, I think the thighs would be the best meal. After all, the thighs on most people are so very plump and juicy. I wonder if human thighs are white or dark meat?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

OCTOBER PREDICTIONS

By Madam Misty Merkel
PSYCHIC AND PSYSIC OF THE NORTH

October will be a month of full moons and witch’s festivals. I also have to find some new car insurance. My insurance agent predicted it would be a lot higher this time because I lost my place downtown to a foreclosure. I also have to pay more because of my psychic powers. It seems the insurance company believes I might trance out while driving. I told them I usually only trance out when I’ve been sipping apricot brandy all day. Well, they cancelled my insurance and said I was high risk in too many ways. It’s funny but, my last boyfriend said the same thing to me.

Since October is a busy month with witches and goblins and such, I got out my Petoskey stones and looked into their eyes. What I saw was not good. It was not good at all. It seems that sometime in October a new menace will be coming to Northern Michigan. It will be an ancient evil; one that has laid low for hundreds of years. At first, all I could see was a bunch of furry things flying through the air. I thought they looked kind of squirrelly and then I realized they were squirrels. They were flying squirrels. But, what could make these flying nutcrackers so evil. Then, I noticed that they were not breathing. Their eyes were cold and unblinking. These squirrels were dead. They were the flying dead. They were zombie flying squirrels. Then these zombie flying squirrels started landing on the heads of all the creatures in the forest and eating brains. These were brain eating zombie flying squirrels. Then the brandy kicked in and I fully tranced out. I don’t remember anything after that.

My advice to anyone going outdoors in October is to wear a hat. And, if it feels like you have a squirrel on your head eating into your brains make sure you shoo him off before he eats something you may need.

Personally, this brain eating zombie squirrel thing is a bit much for me to handle. I already have a female vampire hanging out around here. I’ve been placing cloves of garlic all over the place and even have a necklace of garlic bulbs hanging around my neck. I am wondering though; if garlic keeps vampires away will it keep the dead squirrels away?

I’ve decided to try to keep the zombie rodents away by using garlic flavored nuts. I’ve seen them in the store but, I’m just going to pick up some old nuts that I have lying around the trailer. I’ll then have to flavor the nuts. First, I’ll heat up some oil in a sauce pan then; I’ll stir in the garlic and then add some nuts. When the zombie squirrel smells the garlic nuts, the stench should scare the spook right out of him and into the after life. That bloodsucker chick won’t like the smell of the garlic either. I’ll kill two birds with one stone or, should I say nut.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

SEPTEMBER PREDICTIONS

PSYCHIC NEWS AND INFORMATION
By Madam Misty Merkel

September will be a tough month for the stock market but, it should end up higher than it did in August. The “Cash for Clunkers” government program was a big hit. Everyone in my trailer park has bought a new SUV which have really great gas mileage. Most of my neighbors have jobs working as cooks and dishwashers in the various restaurants around town. They figure they should have their new vehicles paid for in about 15 years.

The government will pass comprehensive health care reform which will rely mostly on faith healers and witch doctors in order to cut costs. The new program will rely heavily on preventive care. Everyone in America will receive a voucher for $25.00 to see the faith healer or witch doctor of their choice. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, psychics will be included in the list of health care providers.

All the guys will still want to go to "District 9" movie that came out in August. "Julie and Julia" will be a popular chick flick but, Hollywood needs to come out with more chick flicks. The last movie I was talked into seeing with my girlfriends was “Borat”. That was no chick flick. I see enough violence at the trailer park on the weekends. When the guy next door and his girlfriend are shooting at each other with pump shotguns and deer rifles, it is just a little bit too exciting for me. Overall, they are pretty good neighbors. They always put their guns away by 1:00 a.m. and never start drinking and playing loud music until at least noon.

September will start out as a really hot month and will then cool off gradually. The prices of pizza and beer will continue to go up as more and more unemployed people suddenly become too lazy to cook. It’s like when people are unemployed they quit doing all the little chores they did when they were working. They don’t cook, they don’t do their laundry and they really let their looks go. I guess they figure that if they are unemployed, no one is going to want them. They’re probably right. I know I don’t want some unemployed bum lazing around drinking up my beer and eating all my pizza.

I have been getting bugged about the Lions football team. The only vibes the spirit world is giving me regarding the Lions is that they are unlikely to win very many games in the foreseeable future. I will have better news during hockey season.

I am going to predict that the “Humor News Nuts” blog will be blogging by Labor Day. Those guys that run it will finally get off their summer hiatus and start publishing again. I feel sorry for Mike who, works as a gofer for his brothers at “Humor News Nuts”. He’s had bad luck all summer.

First of all, he lost his real job. Then, he could not pay his share of the rent so his roomies tossed him out on the street. He just had too many fines to pay that he incurred while doing his research work No one told him he needed a fishing license in order to hunt down killer sharks in Lake Michigan. Poor Mike did not even know that there is a limit on how many bull frogs you can take for a frog leg fry. Finally, he has a huge medical bill because he picked and ate the wrong kind of mushrooms and had to have his stomach pumped.

I decided to cheer Mike up by predicting his future. I felt sure that whatever the prediction turned out to be it would still be better than his present life. How could it be any worse? So I sent Mike out to pick up three Petoskey stones out west of town. There’s an old gravel pit out there that used to be the dig site of some paleontologist. At least he was getting money to dig around out there.

The paleontologist had the theory that Petoskey stones are the remains of a giant, psychic brain that crashed into the earth 350 million years ago. Unfortunately, this scientist used all the money he received for the dig to simply live very well downtown at the Holiday Inn that’s right on the bay. He never went near the dig site until the feds started to investigate him. He never spent a dime on equipment or anything for the dig site. The only shovel he had was a broken one he found. I’m not really sure what happened after the feds arrested him. The guys that run “Humor News Nuts” want to make this paleontologist their scientific advisor if he does not have too long of a jail term. Maybe he can get some sort of work release program.

Mike came back from the pit with three really nice Petoskey stones. They all had lots of really nice eyes on them. The first stone I looked at closely was shaped like an arrowhead. The second stone was more heart shaped. The thrived stone had a crack running across it. After examining the stones, I could give Mike nothing but great news. I told Mike that the cracked stone meant that in the past he was broke and that the arrow shaped stone meant he would be up and coming in his personal finances situation. I further stated the heart shaped stone meant he would of course meet someone who would be significant to him romantically.

I ended my session with Mike by telling him all he had to do to pay me was to give me the three Petoskey stones. I figured that I could polish them up and get $30.00 each by selling them to the tourist. Next time I send someone out to pick up Petoskey stones I’ll have they bring back a lot more stones. Making big bucks off of each stone could finally make this physic business payoff. Maybe I might not have to do body piercing to make ends meet.

The kids will be going back to school so I'll finally get some peace and quiet in my TP (trailer park). There won't be any snow storms in September but, the flu season will keep a lot of kids home. I just hope the kids don't go into the stores and cough all over the cart handles. At times, those things are pretty nasty. Overall, September will be a mediocre month.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

PREDICTIONS FOR SEPTEMBER 2009

PHYCHIC NEWS AND INFORMATION
By Madam Misty Merkel

September will be a tough month for the stock market but, it should end up higher than it did in August. The “Cash for Clunkers” [government program will continue to be a big hit. Everyone in my trailer park has bought a new SUV which have really great gas mileage. Most of my neighbors have jobs working as cooks and dishwashers in the various restaurants around town. They figure they should have their new vehicles paid for in about 15 years.

The government will pass comprehensive health care reform which will rely mostly on faith healers and witch doctors in order to cut costs. The new program will rely heavily on preventive care. Everyone in America will receive a voucher for $25.00 to see the faith healer or witch doctor of their choice. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, psychics will be included in the list of health care providers.

All the guys will still want to go to the GI Joe movie that came out in August. Hollywood needs to come out with more chick flicks. The last movie I was talked into seeing with my girlfriends was “Borat”. That was no chick flick. I see enough violence at the trailer park on the weekends. When the guy next door and his girlfriend are shooting at each other with pump shotguns and deer rifles, it is just a little bit too exciting for me. Overall, they are pretty good neighbors. They always put their guns away by 1:00 a.m. and never start drinking and playing loud music until at least noon.

September will start out as a really hot month and will then cool off gradually. The prices of pizza and beer will continue to go up as more and more unemployed people suddenly become too lazy to cook. It’s like when people are unemployed they quit doing all the little chores they did when they were working. They don’t cook, they don’t do their laundry and they really let their looks go. I guess they figure that if they are unemployed, no one is going to want them. They’re probably right. I know I don’t want some unemployed bum lazing around drinking up my beer and eating all my pizza.

I have been getting bugged about the Lions football team. The only vibes the spirit world is giving me regarding the Lions is that they are unlikely to win any games in the foreseeable future. I will have better news during hockey season.

I am going to predict that the “Humor News Nuts” blog will be blogging by Labor Day. Those guys that run it will finally get off their summer hiatus and start publishing again. I feel sorry for Mike who, works as a gofer for his brothers at “Humor News Nuts”. He’s had bad luck all summer.

First of all, he lost his real job. Then, he could not pay his share of the rent so his roomies tossed him out on the street. He just had too many fines to pay that he incurred while doing his research work No one told him he needed a fishing license in order to hunt down killer sharks in Lake Michigan. Poor Mike did not even know that there is a limit on how many bull frogs you can take for a frog leg fry. Finally, he has a huge medical bill because he picked and ate the wrong kind of mushrooms and had to have his stomach pumped.

I decided to cheer Mike up by predicting his future. I felt sure that whatever the prediction turned out to be it would still be better than his present life. How could it be any worse? So I sent Mike out to pick up three Petoskey stones out west of town. There’s an old gravel pit out there that used to be the dig site of some paleontologist. At least he was getting money to dig around out there.

The paleontologist had the theory that Petoskey stones are the remains of a giant, psychic brain that crashed into the earth 350 million years ago. Unfortunately, this scientist used all the money he received for the dig to simply live very well downtown at the Holiday Inn that’s right on the bay. He never went near the dig site until the feds started to investigate him. He never spent a dime on equipment or anything for the dig site. The only shovel he had was a broken one he found. I’m not really sure what happened after the feds arrested him. The guys that run “Humor News Nuts” want to make this paleontologist their scientific advisor if he does not have too long of a jail term. Maybe he can get some sort of work release program.

Mike came back from the pit with three really nice Petoskey stones. They all had lots of really nice eyes on them. The first stone I looked at closely was shaped like an arrowhead. The second stone was more heart shaped. The thrived stone had a crack running across it. After examining the stones, I could give Mike nothing but great news. I told Mike that the cracked stone meant that in the past hi was broke and that the arrow shaped stone meant he would be up and coming in his personal finances situation. I further stated the heart shaped stone meant he would of course meet someone who would be significant to him romantically.

I ended my session with Mike by telling him all he had to do to pay me was to give me the three Petoskey stones. I figured that I could polish them up and get $30.00 each by selling them to the tourist. Next time I send someone out to pick up Petoskey stones I’ll have they bring back a lot more stones. Making big bucks off of each stone could finally make this physic business payoff. Maybe I might not have to do body piercing to make ends meet.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

AUGUST PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 9200 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

The new GI JOE movie will be a big hit next month with District 9 movie also, getting the kids into the theaters. Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen Will Be Outstanding

By Mike Collin

When I found out there was going to be a new Transformers movie, don't tell anyone but, I wet myself. This movie I predict, will be an outstanding mega hit this summer. I just wish my brother hadn't sold my Optimus Prime action figure on EBay.

I predict that all the great babes in Hollywood will go to see this movie including, my brother Tim's favorite classic dish, Sirgorney Weaver. Tim was really moved by the movie "Alien" when he was six years old. Since then, he hasn't missed any alien movies including the one with the new really cute alien hunting chick in it called "Alien VS Predator". Everyone digs an alien hunting chick. They make all us guys feel safe.

My mind kind of draws a blank when trying to foretell how much money this movie is going to make but, I'm holding Madam Misty's Petoskey stone and it is giving me vibes like the movie is going to make over a million dollars. You can quote me on that. By the way, I'm taking over for Madam Misty for a couple of days while she visits her sisters Twisty and Christy.

I predict the summer is going to be really hot but, not as hot as the new Transformer movie. I wonder what happened to my Megatron action figure? I bet my brother sold that one too.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

NEW STAR TREK MOVIE WILL DECLAW WOLVERRINE

I am Mike Collin, brother of the guys that run "Humor News Nuts" and they let me write for free for their publications. I'm not really too much of a physic but, I did have Attention Deficit Disorder until I quit high school. I din't quit high school because of ADD. Actually, I didn't quit at all. I was sort of made to leave after I mooned the enemy side during a homecoming football game. I thought I did the right thing but, I was told I did the wrong thing by the school board. Right and wrong? It's all according to perspective I say.

Anyway, I'm writing here because of a dream I had last night. From watching lots of movies I've learned that in fantasy/SF, dreams are more important than reality. I guess that's why people always say you should follow your dreams (unless your dream is to moon the other side during a homecoming football game). My dream was that the new Star Trek movie will kick bass (I'm allowed to say bass not the other word that rhymes with bass), when compared with the new X-Men movie. Don't get me wrong. I think Wolverine kicks nut (nut I can say. The other word that rhymes with nut I can't say according to the sensors).

I think the new Star Trek movie will kick bass and nut. I know a lot of people don't like remakes but, come one!!! But, this is going back to the original Star Trek with Captain Kirk, Spock, Bones and the rest. These were the best of times (originality and writing) and the worst of times (cartoonish special effects and really bad hair pieces). How can anything be better than the original than the original with new stuff. I will miss the Ohura fan dance. I won't give details to the the new movie away. Especially, since I haven't seen the new Star Trek movie and have no contacts in Hollywood. In short, I don't know what I'm talking about except that I love Star Trek and my dreams tell me that Star Trek will be the biggest movie of the summer season. Also, the fan dance will be sheik at all the most popular clubs. I know I'm practicing the fan dance for a summer of fun among the important people at the best clubs.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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