PSYCHIC MYSTIC MERKEL ATTENDING ANNUAL NEW YEARS PICKUP DROP

By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Part-time Associate Contributing Writer

HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

 Every one has been bugging me about the future. Will the world end? Will we have WW3?  Will WW2 begin? I can answer that one. You can witness WW2 in the movies, pictures, via time travel, or having some of the cheap vino they sell down at the gas station.

People ask me about the Middle East, food and gas prices, elections, sports championships, and how many people will be injured by driver-less cars?  Well, any psychic worth their gingerbread can easily answer all those questions for a couple of bucks, or a signed Chuck Mangione vinyl album.  He plays such a soothing, haunting flugelhorn.  Great for attracting spirits from the other side.

Anyway, I've got my own problems.  Ever since  those two secret government agents showed up at my door, claiming that I was some sort of space alien.  They based their accusation on blood, urine and stool samples I sent in to one of those genealogy places, so I could find out where my family comes from. I've been thinking, maybe I shouldn't have mixed the blood, urine and stool together.  I thought I could save on postage weight if I just sent in one super sample.

Me, my two sisters, and mom and dad, are not from this world. Our DNA, does not compare to any living organism on planet earth, because we don't have any DNA.  

I always knew I was different from the other kids in school, but I never knew why.  I guessed that it might be because mom handmade all our cloths out of old bed sheets and pillow cases.  Mom never had a sewing machine, just a pair of scissors that she used to cut holes, so our little appendages could stick out.

I know mom and dad must know something about our little family got here.  I'll be pressing them on that issue more next year

 I hope 2024 is better than 2023.  I'm a bit excited over the New Year's Eve festivities, here in the trailer park.  Woody is going to show off his forklift skills by lifting a '74 Ford pickup up about twenty feet in the air, and then tilting the forks down as the crowd counts down to midnight. At the stroke of midnight, the pickup will slide off the forks and come crashing down to earth. It will be spectacular. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

NOT ALL ZOMBIES EAT BRAINS

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

I am getting really tired of people saying that all zombies eat brains. I happen to know a few zombies and their favorite food is cat food and strawberries. When I invite my zombie friends over I open up a few large cans of cat food and poor strawberry jam over it. Boy, do those zombies love that stuff. The only problem with zombies is that they will not stop eating until they are full. I think that that is part of the reason zombies have such a bad reputation. Of course the red strawberry jam running out of their mouths might also give people the wrong idea, not to mention the texture of cat food.

The problem with running out of food when you invite zombies over for supper is that the zombie will start chewing on anything they can grab in order to satisfy their cat food/strawberry stimulated appetites. A hungry zombie might eat your TV guide, the arms off your chairs and, the arms off your kids or maybe your favorite pet guinea pig. I lost my favorite guinea pig to a zombie friend once and I have not invited her back to my place since. Although she might be a zombie she should still respect my things. After all, I don’t go over to the ditch where my friends lies during the daytime and eat any of her cattails or any of the maggots she has crawling all over her comatose zombie corpse.

Overall, I try not to dwell on the indiscretion of one former zombie friend. Instead, I enjoy the company of the undead. Most of them don’t smell too bad if they drink lots of mint tea. It seems the mint sort of oozes around inside the zombie and helps to sweeten the dead flesh. Of course I also burn flower flavored candles in my trailer before my zombie company arrive. I do have to put the candles out before the zombies arrive because zombies are just so klutzy that they knock over everything and candles in a trailer is really a big no, no anyway.

One good thing about zombies is that they won’t dirty any silverware or plates and they never use napkins. Wiping their mouths with a napkin is considered to be just a waste of good food. Zombies eat with their fingers until one day every zombie seems to get so excited over their meal that they accidentally bite their fingers off. After their fingers are gone then the zombie will eat out of the palm of their hand until one day they bite their palm off. Then they eat with the stub of the forearm until that’s ate off and so on up the arm until they are eating their food off just a short stub of their forearm. Many zombies are lucky enough to have their teeth fall out long before they have eaten themselves up to the elbow.

One more thing that you have to remember when serving zombies is that you cannot serve them food that has any salt in it. Salt burns the flesh of the undead something awful. Of course everyone knows that you never rub salt into an open wound. For zombies their entire bodies are just one big open wound. I have a blood pressure problem myself so I use herbs on all the foods I prepare anyways.

Overall, please don’t treat zombies in a bad way. After all, they used to be people too. Zombies should be befriended and not feared. They don’t even eat humans unless they run out of cat food. Finally, you should treat zombies with the same respect you treat old people. After all, someday you might be one.