By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A lot of people are getting ready for the world to end in 2012. One reason people believe the world ends in 2012 is because the Ancient Mayans left a calendar for us in the modern day, in which the world ends on December 21st 2012. Of course one problem with this end of the world theory is that no one today actually speaks ancient Mayan. Where the Mayans use to live I believe people speak Spanish so how does anyone really know what the Mayan calendar actually predicts. So, I decided to channel the ancient Mayan high priestess to see when exactly the world would end.
Now, the name of the high priestess of the Mayans is Charlene. Her father who had been the high priest before her wanted a boy and had picked out the name Charlie for him. Well, his child was a girl so Charlene was the name she got which is similar to Charlie. She did tell me that everyone called her Charlie as her nickname.
“So Charlie, when is the world going to end?” I asked.
“Well you see Madam Misty,” she began, “The world is not going to end in 2012 as most people believe. These modern eggheads at your universities have completely read the undo of the world date wrong.”
Charlie stopped for a moment and took a sip of the Mogen David wine I had given her. I always offer visiting spooks Mogen David wine because after being dead they really appreciate a nice sweet wine that goes down easy. After all, the dead are used to sucking down dirt which is really bitter so a sweet wine gives them pleasure and makes them feel like they are still alive and of course the alcohol makes them talkative. “In fact Madam Misty the professors at your universities have misread the date we have ensconced in stone as the day the world ends. Your brainy people have interpreted the Mayan calendar to set the date of the end of the world as December 21, 2012. In fact, the world ends on October 12, 2021. It seems that smart people in your time suffer from the disease our doctors use to call dyslexia.”
“That’s very interesting,” I replied. “But, What causes the end of the world?” I asked.
“The end of the world is really sad, Madam Misty. You see in the state of Michigan there will be this pig farmer named Johansen. Now it seems that Johansen has always entered the pig contest at the fair every single year since he was a little boy. Of course he never got the blue ribbon for having the biggest pig at the fair. Well, by 2021 Johansen will have a boy of his own who is entering a pig at the fair in the pig with the most weight category. Now Johansen is determined that his son should win the blue ribbon so he devises a scheme to make the boy’s pig become really huge. You see Johansen knows that only a third of what a pig eats turns into pork and the rest of the food goes out the back end. So Johansen decides to cork the back end of the pig up really tight so that everything the pig eats goes into weighing up the pig for the fair. Johansen then has truckloads of baked goods that bakeries and stores have thrown out trucked into his pig farm. The pig then began to eat. Well, over the course of months the pig gets bigger and, bigger and, bigger until he is as big as the state of Michigan. Now Johansen figures his son is surely going to take home the blue ribbon and might even set a record for the being the worlds largest pig. So Johansen sets about having trainloads of discarded backed goods hauled into his pig farm. Then his pig got bigger and, bigger and bigger until the pig was as huge as all of Canada but still, Johansen wanted to make sure his son would win the blue ribbon so he contracted for giant containerships to deliver vast quantities of discarded backed goods from every bakery and store in the entire world. Of course the pig then got bigger and bigger, and bigger until it was as big as all of North America.”
“So Johansen’s son must of won the blue ribbon at the state fair,” I said thinking that the story seemed to have a happy ending. “He must have been quite the happy boy. I bet his father was really proud as well.”
“Actually no, the boy did not win the state fair and no one knows what Johansson’s last thoughts were,” Charlie continued. “For you see before the judges at the fair could check out the final weight of the Johansen mega pig there was an incident. It seems that someone little 2 year old girl named Sandy was playing down in Tijuana which is where the backend of the monstrous pig was situated and little Sandy decided she would give a little tug on the cork. Of course the cork had so much pressure behind it that just a slight tug was all it took for the pig to really open up. Well, I don’t think I need to paint you a picture of the aftermath. Needless to say the entire earth became uninhabitable for millions of years. Every single species of beast and flora became extinct all over the earth. Of course after millions of years the earth was colonized by alien farmers who found that this planet had the richest soil in the universe.”
“Oh that poor little girl,” I observed.
“The little girl was actually the only survivor of your species” responded Charlie . “You see the initial blast out of the pigs backend was so great that the little girl was blasted off into outer space with a methane bubble protecting her from depressurizing in outer space. At least she survived a few minutes until an alien space craft picked her up and took her away to another world where she was raised like a little princess.”
Well, once the wine was gone the Mayan high priestess was gone as well. I guess that according to the Mynas we are going to have to wait a few more years until the world actually ends. But, 2021 is really not that far off so maybe we should all start preparing for that now. I’m going to start buying canned goods to store because I’m sure toward the end of days there will be a lot of chaos which leads to food shortages. One thing though is that I wont have to worry about expiration dates on my canned goods being beyond the year 2021. Already most of the canned goods I buy are at the dollar store and the dates are in some kind of code and you have to call a 1-800 number to find out what date the code references. I tried calling the 1-800 number once but, the person on the other end of the line spoke complete gibberish which I could not understand. I think they must of been a politician moonlighting as a real working person..
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I have never been so confused about the future. I’ve tried everything to get a reading on what’s going to happen. I tried drinking a bottle of Mogen David wine and also a bottle of peach schnapps. I went into a both times but when I came too out of my trance I could not remember anything. It was like some sort of blackout.
I realized that my psychic powers were failing me. I even called upon my old friend Dick Nixon. He lives only three floors above the devil so I figured maybe he’d know something. Heaven is set up as a design of chairman Mao with seven floors and a basement. You get to live on the floor you earned in life or get punished by being sent to the basement. Dick told me that the basement was where all the laundry was done so it was a hideous and horrible place to visit just a like a laundry is here on earth. Of course on the top floor (7th Heaven) all the good souls reside like Nixon’s wife Pat and their dog Checkers.
Well, I just can’t give anyone any predictions today. Something bad is about to happen I’m afraid and the evil spirits have overwhelmed my good spirits (Mogen David Wine and Peach Schnapps). Maybe I’ll get my extra sight back during the Mesick Mushroom Festival which is coming up soon>
I just came out of a trance in which I had the worst trance-mare. A trance-mare is just like a nightmare excerpt you have these terrible visions of what is going to happen in the future. I guess it was yesterday afternoon that my friend Loretta from the trailer next door came over and we broke open a couple of bottles of Mogen David. It’s a nice sweet wine the kind that girls just love. It’s not like that bitter stuff they brew other places that you need to add a 5 lb sack of sugar to just to keep your eyeballs from popping out of your ears. Besides that bitter stuff makes most girls I know a bit too regular if you know what I mean.
Anyway, as I was saying I just woke up from a terrible trance-mare. It seems that the wine puts me in a deep trance and chocolates give me trance-mares. When my friend Loretta was here I opened up a box of chocolates I had left over from the holidays and we each chowed down. After looking around a bit it looks like my friend Loretta spent the night here lying on the floor using her boots as a pillow. She’s lucky that she’s not a psychic or else she might have had a trans-mare too.
Now as I was saying before I interrupted myself, my vision of the future was really terrible. It seems that in just a very few months into this year there will be an invasion from outer space. The invaders will be horrible insect creatures. Although I really don’t know if they were insects or not. Some people might call them bugs. I always get the difference between bugs and insects mixed up. I think it has to do with how many legs the darn things have. I kind of remember from my high school algebra class that the difference between insects and bugs is that insects have six legs and bugs have seven. Then there were pollywogs and they have eight legs; I know that for sure. You know I’m really not sure why I failed algebra class because the teacher, Mr. Sarcasm said that I was always setting one end of the curve that he graded on. I always thought that if you set the curve you always got an “A”.
Now these creatures I ’vie been talking about I saw just fall out of the sky and land all over this very trailer park that I live in. They were horrible looking things and about two feet long. The monsters had long antae and several legs with pinchey things on their mouths like a beetle. I think they are called mandolins. In fact, that is exactly what their faces looked like, a beetle. Of course I’m not talking about John or, Lennon or those other guys from that MTV musical group that competed for TV airtime with the Monkeys back in the 1960’s. I’m talking about real beetles like the ones you find in your blouse when you come back from hiking in the woods.
Finally, those scary creatures fell all over the trailer park and started eating away at the tin on the outside of our trailer houses. These awful monster would not even slow down until every piece of tin was devoured off our homes. Then the creatures started eating the lead pipes under the trailers and they even ate the asbestos tiles we had on our white ornate ceilings. The monsters even ate our porcelain toilets and through it all we the people of this trailer community were completely helpless. We tried spraying the creatures with water and banging on our trash cans to make noise to scare this space monsters away but nothing worked and in the end the space insects or, bugs or, whatever they were prevailed against humanity leaving us all homeless and destitute so, we all went to the bar which was made out of bricks so the space bugs could not reach us.
Then once our old trailers were consumed the space bugs started eating on our cars and they all died. It seems the space bugs could only digest metal and since our cars are all made out of a combination of cyanide seat covers and plastic exteriors and plastic engine parts, the bugs system just could not handle such chemistry and gave out. I’ve seen the same thing happen to kids and dogs that chew on car seats .
Overall, I think the ending for the space monsters was kind of like that one in the movie where Tom Hanks spends his whole life trying to eat only the good chocolates with the nuts in them and not the nasty cheap ones full of sugar cream. The alien bugs got all the sugar cream so my trailer park must of got all the nuts.
By Madam Misty Merkel
The other day I was cleaning up my kitchen when I heard knocking at the door. I opened it and saw it was former President Richard M. Nixon. “Hello Madam Misty,” said the former president. “I was just in the area visiting one of my old Haunts when I decided to stop in and say hello.”
“Well, hello and come on in,” I said. “The place is a mess. I was just cleaning up the kitchen a little bit.”
“Don’t worry about it Madam Misty,” replied the President. “I visited Beethoven a few weeks ago and there is no worse housekeeper than a musician. All they care about is writing down notes and waving their arms around; pretending to be conducting an orchestra. Most musicians are bit nuts if you ask me.”
“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked.
“No Madam Misty you see on earth I’m just an apparition so, I can’t drink or eat anything here. But, just wait until I get back to my own dimension. The food and drinks are just great there.”
“I take it that you must have gone to heaven and not the other place,” I said.
Nixon looked down at the ground for a moment as he seemed to be searching for his next words. “You see Madam Misty,” Nixon began,” Heaven and Hell are really not what you might think. Heaven and Hell are really just concepts of how you view the world around you. You understand that after you pass over you are judged for your deeds and misdeeds in this life and are rewarded in kind. The thing is there is no absolute great place called Heaven or another terrible place called Hell. In fact, we all live in a dormitory that has seven floors. The bottom floor is where people that are not very good go and the 7th floor is what you might call heaven, hence the name “7th Heaven.”
Then I said, “I always thought the name “7th Heaven” came from a TV show. What about people that are really bad? Do they live in the same dorm?”
“Not quite,” answered Nixon. “For example, I live on the 3rd floor. It is not the top floor so I don’t have as nice view. I can watch the pretty girls sunbathe on the lawn out my window that is, if I were interested in watching pretty girls. My wife Pat would frown on my doing such a thing. No, I just take my dog Checkers for a walk everyday. But, getting back to the dorm structure you see it was designed by Chairman Mao. It seems that he did such a great job of organizing China into a world class superpower that he was given the job of designing heaven. He of course created the dormitory system with the best people living on the top floor and the very worst of society living in the basement.
I live on the 3rd floor which is not 7th Heaven however, it is not the basement. I’m hoping that my old boss and running mate President Eisenhower can use his clout to eventually move me up to the 7th floor where he is staying. I’ve heard they have a great piano bar there and Karen Carpenter performs there every day. My, she always had the voice of an angel.”
“So, what about the basement?” I asked. “What kind of people are down there?”
“Well, Madam Misty you really don’t want to go down to the basement. Unfortunately, that is where the laundry room is located. People on the top couple of floors have lots of perks like pickup laundry service. Down where I’m at you have to do your own which means every week you have to trudge down to the basement for a few hours. Last week Hitler and Mussolini grabbed my favorite boxer shorts and played “keep away” with me. They never did give them back and they were a gift from Kissinger. They were genuine silk with red, white and, blue vertical stripes on them. They had a big red heart on the backside. He got them made special just for me in Taiwan before we kicked them out of the U.N. and invited in mainland China. I tried to get my boxer shorts back by meeting with my floor’s Resident Assistant (RA) but, he said he could not really do anything about the rowdies down in the basement. I guess I’m going to have to wash my boxer shorts in my bathroom sink from now on. I’d like to get General Patton to go down and kick the behinds of Hitler and Mussolini but, General Patton is stuck in limbo on the elevator for one thousand years. I guess he slapped some angel when he first got to the dorm.”
President Nixon looked at his watch and said,” I see it’s getting late and time for me to go. Hope to see you again soon Madam Misty and, by the way, Elvis says ’Hi’.” The president got up and made his way out the door.
“Goodbye Mr. President,” I said, “and say hello to Elvis for me when you see him.”
Boy does my back ache today. You see I had to take all seven of my garden gnomes out to the trash. I had bee storing them under my trailer but the darn things kept banging around under there at night so I just decided I was going to throw them out. I hate to do it because a couple of them were real whizzes at computer code so they fixed my computer a lot but dog gone it,
Now garden gnomes are really smart creatures and I’m sure they’ll do well when they wakeup in the local garbage dump. I just barely hit each one of them on the head with a 2by4 so I’m sure they will feel alright when they wake up. Besides, they were eating all the neighbors cats and the cops were coming around asking questions. I didn’t want to take the wrap as a cat murderer. After all, it’s better to do in someone’s kid than someone’s pet cat now days.
Another problem with garden gnomes is that the only way you can get them to stay put in your yard is to plant their feet down in some really heavy clay so they cannot move. Otherwise, they go a traipsing around at night and walk all over your flower garden. My gnomes completely destroyed my primroses and those primroses are the only thing I had left of my great granny Merkel. My family has always been economically challenged so anything you got in your inheritance was considered to be very dear. To say that I was miffed over that incident is an understatement. I should have taken a sledgehammer to those little beasts then but, as people say about me, I have a really kind heart and I’m soft in the head. Well, that softness on y part is what spared those little vagabonds time and time again.
Now, tonight I am going to get some real peace and quiet when I sleep. No more cats screaming as my gnomes consume them under the trailer. No more visits from the cops after midnight because some neighbor lady is missing a cat. And, maybe I can grow some primroses again. They won’t be from my granny’s garden but, their early spring blossoms will remind me of her late night smile. My granny tended to drink a lot in the evening and she always went to bed with a smile.
MICHIGAN PSYCHIC PREDICTS OSAMA BIN LADEN LOCATION
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
Everyone is once again trying to figure out where the worlds’ most notorious criminal is hiding. I believe that there is still a twenty five million dollar price tag on his head so; I’ve decided to use my abilities to find Mr. Bin Laden. I really need to get the twenty five million dollars so that I can put a new roof on my trailer. I’m running out of pots and pans to catch all the water that’s pouring in. I’d also like to stock up on apricot brandy for the winter. All the cheap wine I’ve been drinking lately is really giving me gas.
I knew I would need to use all my psychic and physic powers to find Bin Laden. The first thing I did was to load my arms up with gold simulated bracelets and my fingers up with silver colored rings. If you want any help from the spirit world you have to get their attention. “You need a lot of bling to get the spirits to sing,” is what I always say. I got out my best polished Petoskey stones and gave them each a good rubbing. Next I got out my two crystal balls and shook them up really well so the glittery snowflakes in side would twinkle as they fell on the plastic Santa and his reindeer that I have inside of each ball. Finally, it was time for me to trance out. I was all out of apricot brandy so I had to rely on some cheap wine. The wine was really sweet but I had to add some bourbon to “kick it up a notch” like that hairy chef guy always says. I’m just glad I found some bourbon to make my wine drinkable. Otherwise I’d have to use my vanilla extract to spice up my stuff. That stuff is getting really expensive so I only use it in an emergency. Some people use it to cook with too.
I only had about four coffee mugs full of my bourbon/wine combination (called bwine) when I suddenly began to feel mysteriously light headed. I felt the room starting to move around so I closed my eyes so I could concentrate on catching Bin Laden. I kept concentrating on finding an old man with a long white beard. Of course since it was getting close to X-mass I saw a whole bunch of different Santa Clauses. I saw a Santa in a red suit then, I saw a Russian Santa with a big Russian hat on then, I saw a French Santa dressed in a blue bath robe. He had high heels and wore lipstick. Then I realized that this wasn’t Santa or Bin Laden. This was my ex-husband Bill.
From directly above my head, a splash of water hit my face from a leak in my trailer house roof. The picture of my ex-husband disappeared. The sudden splash of rain water reminded me that I needed a new roof and would have to focus better to find Osama. Then, just as I was thinking I needed a few more mugs of bwine, the location of Osama Bin Laden was becoming clear to me. Bin Laden was neither in Pakistan nor in Afghanistan. He was not in the United States working as a mall Santa and, he was definitely not my cross dressing ex-husband Bill.
It was a cloudy vision at first but, I could finally make out that Bin Laden was living in an Arabian palace. I could see him sitting all dressed out in fine robes like the ones he is dressed up in when he sends us those nasty videos he makes at election time. In my vision Bin Laden was sitting in the middle of a great big ball room in the middle of his palace. He is sitting on a golden throne. The palace itself is extremely hot. It seems the thermostat on the furnace is turned way up. You can see sweat and drool running down Bin Ladens’ long gray beard. The whole place smells like rotten eggs. I guess eating goat meat sausages and beans everyday must make Bin Laden a very musical man. He really should get some air freshener if he intends on entertaining. The smell was so rank that it brought tears to my eyes.
Next, I saw in my vision 72 virgins dancing around Osama while the old man continued to drool. The virgins were not covered up in traditional clothing but, were all wearing totoos like ballerinas. In fact, the virgins were all big burly hairy guys all dancing around Osama Bin Laden to the song called “The Hustle”. This was a very bizarre picture but, I know that the spirits I consult never lie. They may tweak the truth a bit but, I am very confident that I had a true vision of Osama Bin Laden as he is today.
It was starting to dawn on me that maybe Bin Laden was where he belonged. The hot smelly foul air, the fat naked dancing male virgins; maybe Bin Laden was actually in hell. Maybe he died a while ago in the mountains and his followers literally covered him up. Maybe we should all be relieved that our planet was finally safe. And, Bin Laden had gotten his just deserts and would suffer for an eternity. The only problem was that I noticed that Bin Laden was nodding his head to the beat while he smiled at his dirty dancers. Could it be that Bin Laden was having fun down in hell?
I decided I had had enough of that trance so I shook it off and went back to drinking mugs of my bourbon/wine drink. I guess I’ll be mending my ways a bit so I don’t end up down in hell with Bin Laden and with a bunch of hairy fat male virgins dancing all around me. I had enough of that when I was a member of a singles club.
A 2012 PREDICTION
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
People need to start taking the year 2012 seriously. 2012 is the year the Mayans, ancient Hebrews, Hindus and some others I can’t remember, said that the world would be in big trouble. It seems the planets will be lining up in such a way that the earth will be devastated by cosmic forces beyond the control of humans. There will be a number of disaster events that will happen in 2012. Last Saturday night I tranced out at the bar located down the block from the trailer park. Then, I had a vision of an economic disaster that will happen in May of 2012.
I have consorted with the spirits of good and evil and rubbed my mystical Petoskey stones until they are smooth and polished. I think I can sell them on EBay now. I should be able t get about $30.00 a piece out of them. That will pay my cable bill so I won’t be cut off. Anyway, the calamity of 2012 will occur when five giant ships loaded with tons of merchandise destined for Wall Mart Stores around the world, collide in mid ocean and sink. When all that merchandise sinks to the ocean floor, so will the world economy. The hopes and dreams of every person on earth will drown in the sudsy brine and, forever sleep with the fishes.
Earth will change that day. We cannot stop our destiny from happening no more than we can wear adult diapers and not get wet. However, we will try unsuccessfully, to prepare ourselves mentally for the day the earth will stand still. We will attempt to brace ourselves for the day our forbidden planet no longer offers the hope of living a fulfilling life of non-stop shopping and mounting credit card debt. It will be difficult for us to accept the fact that one day a creature from a black lagoon will be wearing the cubic zirconium jewelry which we had hoped to be wearing and showing off to our friends and neighbors. The tragedy will leave our minds lost in space. Our hearts will be heavy like a big blob. One day we will be forced to accept as the Mayans foretold, that our humanity will die when all our stuff takes a voyage to the bottom of the sea.
The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.
HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.