DON’T BE THE VICTIM OF A VAMPIRE

By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
It is easy to become the victim of a vampire. Too many people do not stay alert and vampires are so sneaky. You almost need eyes in the back of your head. You have to be constantly looking around to make sure that there are not any pasty white fanged monsters creeping up on you. Vampires are like credit card companies; once they sink their teeth into you then you are theirs for life.

Watching out for vampires is especially important this time of year. Vampires are just now starting to arrive back in Northern Michigan from their summer homes in Cancun Mexico. Of course after a long flight the vampire is very hungry for the red stuff and I don’t mean wine. Once back here the vampires quickly open up their private clubs where they meet and have a warm mug of blood. The high class vampires mix expensive wines with their blood and usually drink only the blood of rich yuppie Chicago bankers and movie actors.

These guys are easy prey for vampires since they are out on their yachts most of the time which, means that they are stranded out in the middle of Lake Michigan. I can’t imagine the fear someone must have looking at some vampire monster swooping down on your yacht way out in the middle of nowhere. You’d have just a few seconds to decide if you wanted to be bitten by a vampire or take your chances in the water with the sharks. The choice is between being eaten by sharks and dying or, becoming a powerful creature that lives forever and can shape shift into an animal or a really beautiful human being. What a dilemma the rich and famous face every time they spend a night on their luxury yacht.

Luckily, if you are like me and are unemployed and live in a low cost trailer park out in the backwoods then, you won’t have any vampire hunting you down for your vintage name blood. Still, there are always vampires passing over at night and you never know when one of them might drop in for a snack. That is why you need protection.

Many people believe that you can stop a vampire by hanging up a cross in your doorway. This might work if you vampire is a Catholic but, what if your vampire is Jewish or, Hindu or, some other religion or practices no religion at all. You could not hang up enough different religious symbols to keep out all vampires. If I hung up all the different religious symbols in my doorway it would pull this entire trailer down on my head. I honestly don’t know how the laws of gravity seem to be suspended in regards to this trailer. I’m afraid to sneeze in here because the sudden change in air pressure might blow out the walls.

In truth, the only real way to keep away blood suckers is to put lots of garlic all over your home. Vampires don’t like garlic so it might not be a bad idea to eat a few cloves before you go to bed at night. I’m working on getting a patent on anti-vampire toothpaste based on garlic oil. I figure the garlic will keep vampires from biting you and it will also keep away co-workers and nagging family members. If you work in a store the garlic aroma from your breath will definitely keep customers from bugging you. If the toothpaste catches on I intend on patenting a garlic flavored mouthwash too.

Overall, vampires are sneaky beasts and the only way to keep them and other undesirables away is by smelling like garlic. Garlic breath is an easy way to keep the bad guys away and I recommend my soon to be distributed Madam Misty Merkel’s “PASSION GARLIC TOOTHPASTE TM”. I use the word “PASSION’ in the name because “passion” sells. The original name was “STINK BREATH GARLIC TOOTHPASTE” but, “stink breath” was unpopular with test subjects.

Finally, just be careful out there. And, please remember to buy my vampire repelling toothpaste. If I sell enough of it I might be able to move out of this crummy trailer park to the nice park down the road. It has newer doublewides in it. After all, living in a newer doublewide is the American dream of the 21st century.