by Local Legend Psychic Mystic Madam Misty
(Murky) Merkel
Assistant Associate Contributing Author
Well, today is the day you must stay inside and
nail your doors and windows shut. You
see, it is the day of reckoning for everyone in Northern Michigan and horrific
little monsters are burrowing out from the bowels of the cold, cold earth to go
hunting for some hot steamy meat. I am
of course talking about ground hogs.
Now, normally ground hogs are creatures that eat only vegetation
however, the particular breed of ground hog found in Northern Michigan, eats
only living human flesh.
Although these little carnivores terrorize
everyone in the area they do have one good quality; they only tunnel up from
below and attack one day each year and then they return to their cold subterranean
world to sleep and dream of devouring warm human flesh on their own very
special day. That day is known as Ground
Hog Day and is celebrated in many places by observing a less aggressive species
of ground hog as it looks to see if its shadow appears. I'm not sure what the significance of seeing
or not seeing a shadow has but, I'm told it is something to do with predicting
the weather for the next six weeks.
Well, in Northern Michigan I can tell you that you don't need a psychic
or a ground hog to predict the weather for February and the first half of
March. It is going to be snowy, slippery
and cold. People who live in Northern
Michigan know that we have only two seasons:
Winter and Wintrier. We are
currently in the Wintrier season.
Now, as far as the meat-eating ground hogs in
Northern Michigan I can tell you that although they may appear to be relatively
small compared to a human, a one foot tall ground hog can easily devour 10-20 adult
humans in a single twenty four hour period.
I'm sure some of you are asking how this is possible. Well, all I can tell you is that those little
ground hogs completely digest their food as soon as they swallow it. It's really quite amazing. Last year I watched from my trailer bay front
widow as Old Henry was completely consumed by a ground hog that probably
weighed less than 15 lbs. Old Henry was
a bulky man who weighed easily 300 lbs.
I was shocked to see that little ground hog shove that very large man
down its throat and as the man went into the mouth of the ground hog a large
tube of scat began flowing from the ground hogs back-end. It was amazing and very fortuitous for this
psychic madam because right where the ground hog was depositing Old Henry I
happened to grow a small patch of begonia every year and last year I won a blue
ribbon for having the most beautiful begonias in the entire trailer park.
Of course, I don't intend to end up as fertilizer
in someone’s flower garden so; I am staying inside all day and all night on
Ground Hog Day. I just hope those little
demon beasts don't get into my septic tank and try getting into my trailer
through my toilet bowl. I have snakes coming
up in my toilet a couple times a week and once in a while a half-drowned rabbit
will scamper out of my bathroom. I just
might purposely plug up my toilet with toilet paper for the rest of the day to
keep those little demon ground hogs from using my pipes to enter my home. You see, you just got do what you got to do
on Ground Hog Day.
So, stay safe on Ground Hog Day and try not to
end up fertilizing someone’s begonias.
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