by Local Legend Psychic Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel
Assistant Associate Contributing Author
Well, today is the day you must stay inside and nail your doors and windows shut. You see, it is the day of reckoning for everyone in Northern Michigan and horrific little monsters are burrowing out from the bowels of the cold, cold earth to go hunting for some hot steamy meat. I am of course talking about ground hogs. Now, normally ground hogs are creatures that eat only vegetation however, the particular breed of ground hog found in Northern Michigan, eats only living human flesh.
Although these little carnivores terrorize everyone in the area they do have one good quality; they only tunnel up from below and attack one day each year and then they return to their cold subterranean world to sleep and dream of devouring warm human flesh on their own very special day. That day is known as Ground Hog Day and is celebrated in many places by observing a less aggressive species of ground hog as it looks to see if its shadow appears. I'm not sure what the significance of seeing or not seeing a shadow has but, I'm told it is something to do with predicting the weather for the next six weeks. Well, in Northern Michigan I can tell you that you don't need a psychic or a ground hog to predict the weather for February and the first half of March. It is going to be snowy, slippery and cold. People who live in Northern Michigan know that we have only two seasons: Winter and Wintrier. We are currently in the Wintrier season.
Now, as far as the meat-eating ground hogs in Northern Michigan I can tell you that although they may appear to be relatively small compared to a human, a one foot tall ground hog can easily devour 10-20 adult humans in a single twenty four hour period. I'm sure some of you are asking how this is possible. Well, all I can tell you is that those little ground hogs completely digest their food as soon as they swallow it. It's really quite amazing. Last year I watched from my trailer bay front widow as Old Henry was completely consumed by a ground hog that probably weighed less than 15 lbs. Old Henry was a bulky man who weighed easily 300 lbs. I was shocked to see that little ground hog shove that very large man down its throat and as the man went into the mouth of the ground hog a large tube of scat began flowing from the ground hogs back-end. It was amazing and very fortuitous for this psychic madam because right where the ground hog was depositing Old Henry I happened to grow a small patch of begonia every year and last year I won a blue ribbon for having the most beautiful begonias in the entire trailer park.
Of course, I don't intend to end up as fertilizer in someone’s flower garden so; I am staying inside all day and all night on Ground Hog Day. I just hope those little demon beasts don't get into my septic tank and try getting into my trailer through my toilet bowl. I have snakes coming up in my toilet a couple times a week and once in a while a half-drowned rabbit will scamper out of my bathroom. I just might purposely plug up my toilet with toilet paper for the rest of the day to keep those little demon ground hogs from using my pipes to enter my home. You see, you just got do what you got to do on Ground Hog Day.
So, stay safe on Ground Hog Day and try not to end up fertilizing someone’s begonias.