SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK PART III OF III

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK
By Madam Misty Merkel
PART III OF III
After Becky agreed to solve the rat problem that she caused in the trailer park, the rats began to slowly disappear. It was not long before the Red Cross closed down its’ emergency tent to treat rabies. People stopped getting bit by rats therefore; there was no longer a need for a walk-in rabies clinic in the middle of the trailer park. Finally, no one in the trailer park reported seeing any rats at all. Even Becky said she no longer had any night visitations by the little red eyed demons. Since Becky still had lots of yummy garbage throughout her trailer the fact that she had no visitations meant that the entire trailer park was clear of any rats. Our trailer park was rat free. The manager put up a sign at the entrance of the park with a picture of a crossed out rat on it along with the words “NO RATS” written in big, bold, black letters. In addition, because the trailer park was rat free the manager raised the lot rent on the trailers by $50.00 per month.

Once the people in the trailer park realized that the rats were gone for good, they started to become very happy and contented. Everything was well in trailer park land. Even the number of people being beaten, shot or, knifed seemed to decrease. When the rats left they took with them a lot of the tension and frustrations that people seem to accumulate when they live in the close quarters of a trailer park. People even started to keep their yards up better. They started to mow their little lawns once in a while. People began to pick up their empty plastic whiskey bottles that they dropped when they passed out on the ground. People even started to greet each other with a “hi” or, “hello” instead of the standard fowl reference to either self-abuse or, going somewhere really bad when you die. These are terms Madam Misty never uses in public.

Things were going really well for people in my trailer park until one day Lonnie Belcher had some hot dogs disappear right off of her picnic table. The next day the little kid that lived across the road from Lonnie had something open up his hamster cage and whatever it was it left just a hamster foot behind. Mrs. Wallace had her cockatiel disappear and then, several dogs and cats went missing. Finally, things came to a head when old man Shorts disappeared leaving just his underwear and a shoe behind. The disappearance of old man Shorts reminded everyone of why you should always put on clean underwear everyday. You never know what might happen. You could be in an accident or something and then you’d be really embarrassed. Of course everyone around here figured that old man Shorts was probably beyond being embarrassed since he was most likely beyond this world altogether just like the hamster, bird, dogs, cats and, the hot dogs. Something in our trailer park was eating our pets and now it was starting to eat us too.

An emergency trailer park association meeting was called. Everyone in the trailer park that was left alive and sober was there. The three of us decided something had to be done. Becky was there and she shared a secret with us. It seems that in order to get rid of the rats, she called her brother who works at NASA. He sent her some special super meat eating snakes that had alien DNA. I don’t know what DNA is but, words that begin with the letter “D” are usually bad like divorce, detention, demons, devils and, downs syndrome.

Anyway, the DNA was supposed to make these snakes into super snakes that grow really fast and eat anything that can be labeled meat. I was ready to smack Becky right in the mouth for bringing these awful snakes into our trailer park but, she offered a solution. It seems her brother at NASA had some pigs that were full of space-alien DNA and that these pigs loved to eat snakes.

After a couple of days two little pigs arrived. They were so cute. The little pigs started right away digging under everyone’s trailer skirting and sucking down those awful snakes like they were sausages. After all the snakes were finally gone the trailer park celebrated with a major party. The two pigs that saved all our lives were honored at a community luau. They looked so dignified with apples in each of their mouths. They tasted great too because they were cooked with a honey-pineapple glaze.

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK PART II OF III

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK
By Madam Misty Merkel
PART II OF III
My neighbor Becky was beating on my door at about 7 o’clock in the morning. I quickly poured some Irish into my coffee before I opened the door. I can’t start the day without a wee drop of whiskey. I’m not really Irish but, I love that tradition. “What do you want?” I asked when I flung open the door.

“Madam Misty I have a real problem,” little Becky said while the streamed down her face. She seemed especially small that morning. Of course she was standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to my door. Well, after she explained that she had seen the eyes of some demon in her trailer I agreed to wait with her that night and help her exorcise or exercise or do something with the little red eyed freak. I personally thought maybe Becky had fallen off the wagon again and was drinking that wine that comes in boxes. Some of it has a pretty good kick to it but, it’s not very sweet.

I arrived at Becky’s trailer just before dark. I wanted to make sure we surprised the ghost or demon so we hid in Becky’s bedroom. Becky invited me to sit on the bed but, all the strings of green moldy cheese and dried up pepperoni and tomato sauce on her bed spread made me feel like I needed a bucket throw up in. I could not sit down. Unfortunately, while waiting for the red eyed devil to show up I chance to further look around Becky’s small bedroom. The dresser was covered with the sticky residue of spilled drinks and greasy makeup. The floor had something really sticky on it too because every time I tried to lift my foot I had to fight to keep my shoe on.

As filthy as the place looked inside it smelled much worse. I have never smelled a public toilet that gagged me as much as Becky’s trailer. My uncle’s septic tank smells like a florist shop compared to Becky’s place. Becky certainly lived in one really disgusting dump. At least I knew that if I ever missed getting my garbage out some week I could just take it down to Becky’s place. She already had several sacks piled up in her hallway. I doubt she would notice a couple of more. Although, she might notice that my bags were not leaking a putrefied meat/vegetable sauce all over the floor.

I was beginning to think that maybe Becky should just move out of the trailer and leave it to the red eyed beastie. After all, at least it was cleaning things up a bit. Suddenly, we heard something scurrying around out in the main room. As we intently listened with out ears against the bedroom door, we heard what amounted to an army of little feet running all over the floor; each foot as it was raised made a sound like it was sticking to the linoleum floor.

I motioned to Becky to grab something. For some reason she had a corn broom in her bedroom. It was brand new and had never been used. I had a flashlight with me and I told Becky that on the count of three we would throw open the bedroom door and shine a light on whatever was out there. Becky was a little apprehensive about opening the door but, I reminded her that she had a long broom to defend herself and besides, if anything rushed at us I would slam the door shut.

Finally, Becky took a deep breath and nodded her head to me which I took to mean she was ready. I whispered to her that “On the count of three I’m opening the door. One, two, and three…” I flung open the door and drew my flashlight forward so it shown directly into the room. Becky stood behind me with her broom; the straw end of the broom was pointed up toward the ceiling. Immediately we saw that the place was full of rats. Becky let out a loud, shrieking scream. I didn’t scream because I had already had my shock for the night when I saw the disgusting filth throughout Becky’s trailer.

The horrific scream Becky let out made the rats scatter. In fact they scattered right out of her trailer and ran throughout the trailer park. After that night, there were rats all over the place. The rats gnawed through the floors of every trailer in the park. They were so common place that many children thought that they had been given new puppies to play with. The Red Cross set up a tent in the park to give out rabies shots to all the people who were bitten by the little monsters. The entire trailer park was furious at Becky and they told her she needed to solve the rat problem that she had created. Becky agreed that she would solve the problem and she said that it would not be long until all the rats would disappear.
THE END OF PART II

CELEBRITY PREDICTIONS

PHYSIC REVELATIONS
By Madam Misty
I predict that I’m either going to get paid or I’m going to quit pretty soon. Every payday they tell me that I’m not getting a paycheck because “I got my entire check garnished for parking tickets,” First of all, I live two doors down and don’t ever drive my car so how am I supposed to get these tickets?

The recent fight between funny man Jon Stewart and stock guru Jim Kramer will end soon. I’m going to predict that stock guru Jim Kramer will depart from his show “Mad Money” and star in a comedy movie based on the old sit-com “Mad About You,” with "The Queen Of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli as his co-star.

I predict that Tiger Woods and John Edwards will be co-starring in a new made for TV SyFy movie called "Snakes In The Grass". The movie is about a golf pro and his politician buddy who both cheat on their wives while battling giant poisonous snakes let loose on a golf course by a government, mad scientist.

Jon Stewart will leave his job as the host of “The Daily Show,” and join Larry the Cable Guy and the ghost of the late Rev.Jerry Fallwell on a revivalist crusade through the Deep South. The country trailer park tours will last 6-10 weeks depending on whether the tornadoes get to the trailer parks ahead of them this summer. Tornadoes turn trailer parks into parks and trails; trails of cars, tin cans and beer bottles.

I GOT PROFILED IN ARIZONA

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I just got back from my trip to Vegas and I am still really annoyed. For one thing I ended up loosing all my gambling money within the first few minutes I was in Vegas. It is amazing how fast $100.00 goes at the craps table. Now I know why they call it the game of craps. It is called craps because when you’ve lost your entire life savings in just a few minutes you have to say “Oh Crap!” or, something much stronger like “Oh Phooey Sticks!” I was so mad think I used both expressions.

Since I lost all my money right away I was stuck in my room for three days watching TV. The TV was kind of a treat since I haven’t had any TV since the government switched over to that new digital broadcast system. That adaptor I bought with my $50.00 coupon won’t even bring in AM radio let alone any local channels.

My vacation in Los Vegas was pretty stinky but, the one night I spent in Arizona was much more harrying. It seems that I almost got deported to parts unknown because of their new racial profiling law. I guess it is because I’m from up north that I never even think about my racial background. Especially since, I‘m white and everyone always tells me that I’m looking awfully pasty and I need to get some sun before someone tries to burry me.

Anyway, on my way to Los Vegas I had to stop off and visit my Aunt Winnie down in Arizona. I stopped off at the old peoples home but, Aunt Winnie couldn’t talk too long because she had to give everyone there a bath before putting them to bed. Aunt Winnie is 77 years old and is still working to get health insurance. I had to visit her at her workplace because she lives with her boyfriend and he really does not like me. He told me once that my psychic predictions were just some sort of con game so; I put an old psychic hex on him that I said would give him gout. Sure enough he developed gout. Of course he blames me for his malady but, actually it was his heavy consumption of beer that I knew would sooner or later make his toes swell (and toe jams smell).

After I left Aunt Winnie I went back to the hotel that I was staying at while in Arizona. I was only going to stay there one night before going on to Los Vegas. I was too board to just watch TV so I decided to go down to the bar and maybe see if they had some free popcorn I could eat for my supper. I didn’t want to spend any money on food since I was saving it for drinks and to gamble with in Los Vegas. When I went to the hotel bar I bellied up to it and ordered a glass of peach brandy. Popcorn was not offered for free so, I just took a bowl of leftover popcorn off an empty table that sat behind me. I also picked up about a half dozen French fries that were lying in front of the bar seat next to me. Overall, it was a pretty good meal.

I sat at the bar for about another twenty minutes when this fellow dressed in s security uniform sat down beside of me. “Lady,” he began “I noticed you come in here and I am required by law to ask you a few questions.”

“Who are you?” I asked “and why should I answer your questions?”

“What’s your name?” he responded.

“I’m Madam Mystic Misty Merkel and again, who are?”

“I’m Mr. T. Bowels. I am the Chief Hotel Inspector and Public Bathroom Maintenance Engineer. I’ve been watching you MS Merkel and I maybe arresting you here shortly. It all depends on how honest you are with me when you answer my questions. You see, here in Arizona we have just passed a racial profiling law that allows me to interrogate and/or detain anyone at my discretion if they do not have proper papers to show me. So, I say to you, please present your papers or you will be arrested and most likely deported back to where you came from.”

I opened up my purse and got out my Michigan ID card and handed it to the crazy windbag. I’m from Michigan Mr. Bowels. You can see that on my ID card. “

Mr. Bowels looked intently at my ID card and then said,” This is just as I suspected. You are definitely a foreigner and should not be here.”

“Say What?” I shouted angrily.

“You are an undesirable,” Mr. Bowels affirmed. “It seems you’re from Michigan which is one of those liberal states up north. You’re a Yankee and in the South we don’t cotton much to you Yankees. You need to leave this town by tomorrow morning or sooner if you can. You see I know your type Misty Merkel. You come down here with your University of Michigan T-shirts on and then, you stay at one of our finer hotels and steal our towels and our complimentary toiletries. Then, you only stay here one day because you are just here to visit some obscure relative and then, you leave to go gambling in Los Vegas. I know your type and now the new law allows me to do something about you. “

Well, I decided to shut Mr. Bowels up by offering him half of my complimentary toiletries. Most of the stuff was berry flavored and I didn’t want to smell fruity anyway. I also returned the hotel towels so know I’ll have to buy mom something for Mother’s Day.

PSYCHIC VS PHYSIC: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

By Madam Misty Merkel
Traverse City Psychic/Physic

I spent all day getting my drain unplugged. I used liquid drain Plummer stuff. I unwound an old wire hanger and tried twisting it down the drain. I even brought in the garden hose and tried to blow the clog out with water. Nothing worked. I shouldn’t have poured bacon grease down the kitchen sink last night. This happens every time. Finally, I boiled up a tea kettle full of water and poured it down the drain to melt the bacon grease. It worked too well. The bacon grease went down but, the boiling hot water melted the glue or whatever keeps the pipes under the sink together. Now I have water all over the floor. This just goes to show you that you should get a psychic or physic reading before you start each day. I could have avoided this mess if I had just taken a couple of minutes this morning to look into my own future.

Many of you have been wondering why I use the word Physic and Psychic interchangeably. Some people thought that I just did not know how to spell the word “Psychic”. Let me be clear: a Psychic is someone who uses their special abilities to foretell the future; a physic is someone who uses something from the physical world to help foretell the future. I use Petoskey stones and crystal balls to look into the future. Hence, I am a psychic because I foretell the future with my mental powers and I am a physic because I use objects to aid in my predictions.

Last week I went to a convention of Physics. Most of the people at the convention were demonstrating items that they sold to the public like crystal balls and taro cards. This gave me the idea of selling Petoskey stones to the public. They do have very powerful psychic vibes.

Many people think Petoskey stones are just ancient coral remains that have been fossilized into beautiful patterns. In fact, there is this scientist (he is currently in prison for fraud) who believes that Petoskey stones were really cells to a giant, psychic, alien brain that collided with the earth and killed off the dinosaurs or, something like that. The brain cells were scattered across Upper Michigan.

So watch as the sale of Petoskey stones rise. People across the country are down on their luck and maybe a bunch of polished alien brain cells might just be the thing to turn bad luck into good luck.

OCTOBER PREDICTIONS

By Madam Misty Merkel
PSYCHIC AND PSYSIC OF THE NORTH

October will be a month of full moons and witch’s festivals. I also have to find some new car insurance. My insurance agent predicted it would be a lot higher this time because I lost my place downtown to a foreclosure. I also have to pay more because of my psychic powers. It seems the insurance company believes I might trance out while driving. I told them I usually only trance out when I’ve been sipping apricot brandy all day. Well, they cancelled my insurance and said I was high risk in too many ways. It’s funny but, my last boyfriend said the same thing to me.

Since October is a busy month with witches and goblins and such, I got out my Petoskey stones and looked into their eyes. What I saw was not good. It was not good at all. It seems that sometime in October a new menace will be coming to Northern Michigan. It will be an ancient evil; one that has laid low for hundreds of years. At first, all I could see was a bunch of furry things flying through the air. I thought they looked kind of squirrelly and then I realized they were squirrels. They were flying squirrels. But, what could make these flying nutcrackers so evil. Then, I noticed that they were not breathing. Their eyes were cold and unblinking. These squirrels were dead. They were the flying dead. They were zombie flying squirrels. Then these zombie flying squirrels started landing on the heads of all the creatures in the forest and eating brains. These were brain eating zombie flying squirrels. Then the brandy kicked in and I fully tranced out. I don’t remember anything after that.

My advice to anyone going outdoors in October is to wear a hat. And, if it feels like you have a squirrel on your head eating into your brains make sure you shoo him off before he eats something you may need.

Personally, this brain eating zombie squirrel thing is a bit much for me to handle. I already have a female vampire hanging out around here. I’ve been placing cloves of garlic all over the place and even have a necklace of garlic bulbs hanging around my neck. I am wondering though; if garlic keeps vampires away will it keep the dead squirrels away?

I’ve decided to try to keep the zombie rodents away by using garlic flavored nuts. I’ve seen them in the store but, I’m just going to pick up some old nuts that I have lying around the trailer. I’ll then have to flavor the nuts. First, I’ll heat up some oil in a sauce pan then; I’ll stir in the garlic and then add some nuts. When the zombie squirrel smells the garlic nuts, the stench should scare the spook right out of him and into the after life. That bloodsucker chick won’t like the smell of the garlic either. I’ll kill two birds with one stone or, should I say nut.