By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Today I had an unexpected visitor from the other side show up at my trailer door. About 3:00p.m. I heard a heavy knocking on my door. I immediately put my cloths on and went to the door. When I got to the door I opened it and in walked this tall fellow wearing a white wig and dressed up like one of those soldiers from a long time ago. I then noticed it was George Washington (he looks just like the bust of him on the quarter).
Luckily, I had just done a little tidying up around my kitchenette and washed down my dinner table. Unfortunately, the chairs were still a bit sticky from the party I had last Saturday. A lot of beer, pop and, liqueur got spilled all over. I do use hanging car air fresheners to cover up the beer garden smell in my trailer. I have a whole box of car fresheners and since the State of Michigan took away my drivers license I figure I might as well put the air fresheners to use by hanging them all over the place. Not only do they smell nice but, they decorate the place up a lot. They add a bit of ambiance to the house and fit in well with my collections of empty schnapps and brandy bottles.
Anyway, I invited George in to sit at my dinner table. George came in and sat down. So what can I help you with today Mr. President Washington?” I asked.
“Well, Madam Misty it is well known in the afterlife that you are a really great clairvoyant. You have remarkable abilities to talk to the deceased.”
“Thanks for the compliment about my abilities,” I remarked, “but, I’m not so sure about being a clairvoyant. Marty Watchman down the street likes to peep into peoples bedroom windows late at night to see what’s going on inside. He did 90 days in jail just last summer for being a habitual voyant.”
“I believe the word is voyeur,” George explained to me. “I assure you Madam Misty that I did not intend to besmirch your reputation in any possible way.”
“Well, you might as well smirch away at me,” I responded, “because I’m sure most of my neighbors smirch a lot behind my back. I think they are all jealous of my powers. Anyway George, what is on your mind?”
George gave me this real serious look and then began speaking. “I am very upset that so many people think that I have a set of wooden teeth. I never had a set of wooden teeth. Instead, I have a wooden hip replacement that I received when I was sixty-five and fell off my horse. It was wooden because plastic had not been invented yet and a steel hip would have been just too cold in the winter. I have of course come to you to see if you will correct this foul history which implies that I had poor dental hygiene.”
“I will surely do that for you Mr. President,” I said. “Could you maybe answer a few questions for me so that I can write a blog for the place I work? I’ve been kind of lazy lately and I might get canned if I don’t write something interesting pretty soon.”
“I will do my best to help you stay at your employment madam,” George replied.
I began with my questioning by asking “Mr. Washington, “if you were alive today would you be a democrat or republican?”
“I would be neither a republican nor a democrat madam. You see I believe in doing what is right and not following some stupid dogma. Furthermore, I would never be a member of the Tea Party. You see us real Americans drink coffee not tea. Tea is what the English drink and well; compared to the American backwoodsman tea drinking Englishmen are politely called sissy girls.
As far as the Boston Tea Party is concerned, I think that was mostly a stunt pulled to defraud some insurance companies. Real Americans drink coffee not tea so some tea importers who could not sell their tea here hired some guys to attack their tea ships so that the guys owning the unwanted tea could collect from the insurers. These kinds of rackets are still common in New York and Boston today.
I have to pause here to salute the contribution of the most evil minority of creatures God ever invented. For it were these very souls that saved our country from the tea drinking pansies in England and the tea drinking fags in America. You see in America we always liked to go out and have a good night drinking beer. Well, when the Irish came over they brought with them the recipe to make whiskey. Up until the Irish came to America we Americans drank beer all night all day and night and then drank coffee in the morning to get us going. Of course each day the coffee got us going but, we still had a hangover from the beer that made working all the next day extremely miserable.
I did not understand much of what George Washington was ranting about so I thought I would bring him more into the thinking us modern Americans and less about his revolutionary zest. But, he went on to tell me why America won the Revolutionary War.
You see,” He said, “the reason we won the revolutionary war was because of the Irish. You see while we real Americans were drinking coffee the sissy boys on the other side were all concerned about drinking tea. Even though the sissy boys were all wrapped up in heavy winter clothing they were still freezing as they drank their sissy assed tea. On the other hand, we Americans who had rags to wear and were barefooted were slugging down coffee and each slug of coffee contained a forefinger of Irish whiskey. So the freezing well clothed tea partying Englishmen were overrun by half naked Irish coffee Americans just goes to show you the power of what is right over what is popular.”
I thanked George Washington for his appearance. However, I am a bit perplexed about what he was saying. I just wish well spook would leave me alone. That way I don’t have to pay the consequences of a spook story gone wrong.
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