By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Northern Michigan's Premiere Trailer Park Psychic
Well, another month has passed us by and now it's time for the Fourth of July. Pretty neat rhyme, right? Of course the 4th is going to be really spectacular this year. I went to the National Cherry Festival in Traverse City yesterday and sensed the presence of a lot of spirits. Most of them were hanging around the brew pubs so that's where I spent most of my day.
Getting back to my 4th of July predictions; the weather should be pretty nice. It might be a bit cloudy for the first part of the day but it should gradually clear up. At least that's what they said on the weather channel (sometimes I need a little help predicting the weather). The rest of the month should be fine. Of course I don't really care because I live in a trailer park and stay inside most of the time anyway. My neighbor has a goat and the goat keeps my lawn trimmed for free. Can't have any flowers though. I tried planting plastic whirligig yellow daisies and the goat chowed them down. Then, the goat had crude oil running out his behind for the next week. I'm not sure what happened to the metal rods that the daisies sat on. I know he ate them too.
Anyway, all this talk lately about running people down because you see them as different from yourself got me thinking. You see, for the last few months I've been saying terrible things about one group in particular and maybe well, I think I should be sorry for what I've been saying. I mean this particular group lives in my neighborhood and I see them and their children and old folks every time I look out the window. I know I should feel really bad about my descriptions of these creatures but, somehow I just can't bring myself around to feel that way. I am of course talking about gnomes, in particular garden gnomes. They're everywhere. They're all over peoples yards. Their in their gardens and I even see them in malls and stores often times sitting on the shelves just like they own the darn store. You know I think it takes a lot of guts to climb up on store shelves and harass customers as they walk by.
In general, my problem with gnomes is that they bite and, it really hurts when they bite. I know I seem prejudicial toward the little devils but, I have a hard time accepting them in my neighborhood. However, I am willing to try to change. I'm thinking about approaching the little critters this week and trying to talk to them. Maybe, direct communication is the way to get by our obvious cultural and physical differences. Of course the biting is another matter. Maybe I should try tossing some raw hamburger to them before I attempt to make friends. After all, that worked with my neighbor's dobermans. Now when they see me they wag their tails. Before that they barred their teeth. Of course I soaked the hamburger in vodka before I threw it to them. I would have soaked the hamburger in beer but I remembered my ex-husband use to get really mean whenever he drank beer so, I thought better of it.
I think I'll wear some boots because gnomes like to bite around the ankles. If they bite my boots it would be quaint, not painful. I just hope I don't get rabies if they break the skin. I had rabies back in high school when I got that hickey from my swimming coach. I didn't expect to get rabies or, the hickey for that matter. Believe me, the feelings were what you'd call unrequited. I expected a hug when I finished at that swim meet but, I dint think I'd get a bite on the neck too. I
Anyway, wish me well with the gnomes and have a Happy Forth of July!
I ONCE CAUGHT A BIG CRAPPIE - I once caught a great big crappie, 'He tangled my line up in a wrappie, When I untangled him at last, He knew his time was past, I friend him in grease and ...
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