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Sunday, December 22, 2013

THE GODDESS OF NICKELS AND DIMES

IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS AND OTHER PREDICTIONS 
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

The spirits from the great beyond tell me that it is almost Christmas.  They told me to wish everyone a Merry Christmas but, "watch out for the New Year."  The spirits have not gone into detail about what is going to happen but, I will keep all of my readers informed as to any updates I receive.

Now, aside from decorating my mailbox with bows and pine cones for the holidays I have been busy giving clients psychic readings regarding their own personal futures for 2014.  For example, my neighbor's daughter Pansy stopped by my trailer earlier this morning to ask me whether or not she should accept a proposal of marriage from a man who works as a surgeon at the local hospital.   Offhand, I wanted to tell this young lady to go look for a husband with a descent job like roofing or snowmobile repair and drop this looser who cuts away at peoples innards all day.  Surgery must be about the rottenest job a person could have and I doubt you get paid very much for doing it.  Guys doing roofing work usually make between $8-$10 per hour in this area and they only work about 4 months out of the year.  Snowmobile repairmen make slightly less but, they only work half as many months as a roofer.    Finding a man with one of these dream jobs is what a young girl should be doing now days.  As far as snowmobile repairmen working only two months, It's not that we don't get lots of snow in Northern Michigan it's just that guys up here who ride snowmobiles usually spend most of the winter in jail for driving under the influence.

"In Northern Michigan if you drive a snowmobile under the influence you will hit a tree and you will be arrested after they release you from the trauma center."  At least that's what the public service announcement ad says.

Getting back to the daughter of my neighbor and her question about marriage; I decided that because I personally held a prejudice against marrying someone with a crummy job like surgeon, I owed it to my client to get a fair, unbiased answer so I got out my crystal ball and attempted to give the girl a reading.  The only problem was that my crystal ball had a big crack in it and had become so foggy I couldn't see anything.  I have another crystal ball but, when I got that one out I observed that it also had a big crack in it and all the water had leaked out.  This ball must of gotten cracked a while ago because the little guppies I kept inside of it were all dried up.  I still tried to Davine the future with it however, all I could see was the past.  When I stared into the Crystal ball I saw my little guppies flopping around on the wet gravel as they slowly suffocated from lack of water.   I broke off my contact with the crystal ball when one of the dying guppies spoke to me saying "were going to get you for this Mystic Madam Misty Merkel."  

After dismissing the dead guppy vision as a latent guilt effect I decided to try a surefire way of answering poor Pansy's question about her suitor.  I went over to my coach and dug around under the cushions and after pulling up a wine bottle cap, a Princess DI doll and some kettle corn kernels I found a slightly worn nickle.  I then sat down directly across from Pansy and looked directly into her yellow-green eyes.  "This is very important," I said to Pansy, "I need you to spit on this nickle and close your eyes while I toss it.  If the nickle lands with the head up then you should marry the surgeon.  If it lands with the tail up then you need to set your sights on marrying a low skilled-tradesman.  Nod if you understand me."  Pansy responded with a very definite nod and then hit that nickle with a really gooey glob of spit.  There seemed to be a few bits of bacon floating in Pansy's spit so I knew she had just been to breakfast at Flap Jack Shack.

After I saw that Pansy had tightly shut her eyes I tossed the nickle into the air and watched as it rolled over and over, spewing saliva across the breath of my table then, the coin did the gravity thing and fell flat on the table with the backside up.   Pansy looked at the coin and gasped.  With the flip of a mere nickle Pansy's entire future had been laid out before her.

"Maybe I didn't put enough spit on the nickle," Pansy remarked.

"No dear," I replied, "your destiny wasn't determined by spit,  it was determined by the goddess of nickles and dimes.  She has determined that you should not marry this surgeon fellow."

"Maybe we should have  used a quarter," Pansy responded.

"No," I said, "A quarter would be a sign of wanting to marry just for money.  A nickle shows that you are dedicated to doing the right thing by marrying only for love."

Pansy sat for a moment thinking over my words and then looked at me and said," you're right as always Madam Misty.  I will dump the surgeon right away and find myself a nice low-skilled-tradesman.  Where would I find such a man?"  Pansy asked.

"I always find those kind of guys in biker bars.  Try to avoid the guys with extreme beards.  You never know what might be living in those hairy things."

"So, how much do I owe you Madam Misty?" Pansy asked.

"You owe me five hundred," I replied.

"Five hundred dollars?" Pansy asked with a look of shock on her face.

"No, five hundred nickles," I replied.  "I'm going to go to the Casino on Christmas Day.  There's a drawing for a brand new double-wide and I definitely need a new trailer.  The floor boards have been giving way in this one.  My bed boosts went through the floor last night and my tub is sinking fast."

After Panza paid me I reflected on what a great country we live in.   Where else can you tell a person  how to live their life and have them willingly pay you for your direction.  Only in American my friends.

Have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year

Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

  

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