THE DAY THE EARTH MOVED FORWARD ONE HOUR

BY PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY (MURKY) MERKEL
Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Publications

I happened to look at my calendar today and found out that it's March.  In fact, it's the 8th of March and I'm missing a whole week.  I am also missing an hour since Daylight Savings Time starts today.  I guess Daylight Savings Time is some sort of government holiday because I don't think the rest of the world cares.  It's just another day that mail isn't delivered and since it's Sunday anyway again, it's a holiday that just doesn't matter to normal people like me.

Well, anyway I have some pretty important predictions for March.  For one thing leprechauns aren't going to be welcomed at most hotels in Northern Michigan for St. Patrick’s Day because of the nasty way they tore everything up last year.  I mean that they came up here from Bay City last year and just tore every hotel that they stayed in to ruins.  I mean those little guys caused some gigantic damage.  For instance, at one of our best hotels the little guys ripped all the newspaper off the walls and ceilings and burned it in the wood-stove.  So, that hotel didn't have any insulation in it for the next six months.  It took that long to gather up enough old newspapers to cover all the ceiling and wall surfaces.
Leprechauns did even worse damage at a prestigious downtown hotel when they cut peep holes in all the outhouses so no one had any privacy when they had to see Mrs. Jones (Mrs. Jones is what my grandmother use to call a toilet.)

Now, I do have other predictions, like the one about what happens when a bear walks into a forest in the spring?  All the trees are scared into leafing.   Ha, Ha.  But seriously, March is going to be a month with unstable temperatures and icy roads.  Some people will finally take down their outdoor Christmas decorations and realize after finding all the holes in their plastic reindeer that those were gunshots they heard on New Year’s Eve and not firecrackers.

Well, I got to wrap it up now.  I'm predicting that I'm going to have a busy time this month since with all the melting snow many people will be having their septic tanks backing up into their trailers.  Most people I know can't afford a professional to fix their problem so they call on me to see if I can drive away the evil spirits with a séance and hence, keep the spirits from gurgling up from just below ground level.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.  I still charge $10 whether I'm successful or not.  I should charge more but, I've found that if the client is only out $10 then, if things don't work out I'm not so likely to be turned into the authorities again.  Fines and bail money can really eat into an honest psychic’s profit.

THE LEPRECHAUN IN THE TRAILER PARK

By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
I believe I have a leprechaun that lives down the street from me. His name is Mr. Mackey. He claims to just be a janitor at the hospital but, I have caught him doing things that are very leprechaunish. After watching him for several months I have concluded that Mr. Mackey has strange habits which mean he must be something other than a normal person.

One thing about Mr. Mackey is that he is a hermit. He just sits around his trailer drinking beer. He has a big beer belly and must weigh at least 300 lbs. He certainly does not fit the description of any of the other men living in this trailer park. Most of the men have beer bellies but, they don’t waste their money on food so, except for their bellies they stay really skinny I once asked him what he liked to eat and he replied that his favorite meal was corn beef and cabbage. Well, that stuff is just typical leprechaun food. I figured that with his meal of corn beef and cabbage he most likely had a salad dish of four leaf clovers.

Mr. Mackey is also only about five feet tall. Everyone knows leprechauns are really short. In addition to being abnormally short, Mr. Mackey always wears a green pair of dress pants and a green shirt with black horizontal and vertical stripes on it. He holds his pants up with a pair of green suspenders. I watch my neighbors all the time and I’ve never seen Mr. Mackay wear anything else but, his leprechaun uniform.

One time Mr. Mackay had been drinking beer outside all one Saturday afternoon. When it got dark out he got out a cassette tape player and started playing Irish gig music. He then did a river dance right in front of me. His head of red hair and long red beard were just a flopping around. He seemed to come by the dance quite naturally. As big as he was he was a very graceful dancer. I almost asked him over for a cocktail but, I was afraid that when he sat down he might devastate one of my kitchen chairs I didn’t want him to know that I had such cheap chairs. I guess that they are made out of something called “fiberboard”.

Finally, I know that Mr. Mackay must be a leprechaun because all leprechauns have a pot of gold. It took me a while to find his pot of gold but, finally I spied it out at the back end of his trailer. It was disguised as a port-a-potty. I figured that inside of it he must have been keeping his stash of gold. I have been tempted to lift the lid but, I am not quite that nosey. My neighbor Maxine however, is the nosiest person in this whole trailer park. She did sneak to the back of Mr. Mackey’s trailer when he was working. She told me later that the pot was full but, not with gold. She never did tell me exactly what she saw in Mr. Mackey’s port-a-potty.

For now, I and my leprechaun neighbor are just neighbors but, who knows. Maybe we will become friends someday and maybe someday we might be more than friends. Maybe I’ll get better chairs and invite Mr. Mackey over for a corn been and cabbage dinner. Maybe after I’ve filled him up with a big meal he’ll share his pot of gold with me.