THE DAY THE EARTH MOVED FORWARD ONE HOUR

BY PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY (MURKY) MERKEL
Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Publications

I happened to look at my calendar today and found out that it's March.  In fact, it's the 8th of March and I'm missing a whole week.  I am also missing an hour since Daylight Savings Time starts today.  I guess Daylight Savings Time is some sort of government holiday because I don't think the rest of the world cares.  It's just another day that mail isn't delivered and since it's Sunday anyway again, it's a holiday that just doesn't matter to normal people like me.

Well, anyway I have some pretty important predictions for March.  For one thing leprechauns aren't going to be welcomed at most hotels in Northern Michigan for St. Patrick’s Day because of the nasty way they tore everything up last year.  I mean that they came up here from Bay City last year and just tore every hotel that they stayed in to ruins.  I mean those little guys caused some gigantic damage.  For instance, at one of our best hotels the little guys ripped all the newspaper off the walls and ceilings and burned it in the wood-stove.  So, that hotel didn't have any insulation in it for the next six months.  It took that long to gather up enough old newspapers to cover all the ceiling and wall surfaces.
Leprechauns did even worse damage at a prestigious downtown hotel when they cut peep holes in all the outhouses so no one had any privacy when they had to see Mrs. Jones (Mrs. Jones is what my grandmother use to call a toilet.)

Now, I do have other predictions, like the one about what happens when a bear walks into a forest in the spring?  All the trees are scared into leafing.   Ha, Ha.  But seriously, March is going to be a month with unstable temperatures and icy roads.  Some people will finally take down their outdoor Christmas decorations and realize after finding all the holes in their plastic reindeer that those were gunshots they heard on New Year’s Eve and not firecrackers.

Well, I got to wrap it up now.  I'm predicting that I'm going to have a busy time this month since with all the melting snow many people will be having their septic tanks backing up into their trailers.  Most people I know can't afford a professional to fix their problem so they call on me to see if I can drive away the evil spirits with a séance and hence, keep the spirits from gurgling up from just below ground level.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.  I still charge $10 whether I'm successful or not.  I should charge more but, I've found that if the client is only out $10 then, if things don't work out I'm not so likely to be turned into the authorities again.  Fines and bail money can really eat into an honest psychic’s profit.

BEWARE THE LEPRECHAUNS OF MARCH

BY MYSTIC PSYCHIC MADMAN MISTY MERKEL

Well, February was a month of surprises. Take those two space rocks that almost destroyed the earth. I bet you didn't see them coming. I certainly didn't and I'm supposed to be a world famous psychic. Of course the reality is that planet earth was under attack by a nasty space monkey trying to get revenge for some past problem he had with Cape Canaveral. All I have to say is "get over your problem space monkey". A grudge is something for losers. If you really want to get even with someone you need to get a gypsy to put a curse on them. Believe me a gypsy curse is very effective. I've had several of them placed on me and I haven't been able to break any of them yet.

The weather in March is going to be cold and nasty. Of course the first day of spring will be here on St. Patrick's Day. I won't be drinking any green beer this year because when I do my skin turns green (that's one of those gypsy curses I was talking about).

March of course, is when you have to watch out for leprechauns. It's a myth that leprechauns are actually dangerous. They will bite and scratch if you get them in a corner but most of the time they are just nasty little practical jokers. One thing they like to do is offer to make coffee for you. Now you might think they are going to add some of their best whisky to the coffee to make it "Irish" style. But, what they will do is add laxative to the coffee and then after you've downed about a half a pot the leprechaun will insist on going for a long drive way out in the boonies. Of course once you're way out ten miles from any toilet well, that's when the laxative really kicks in. I tell you what, I'm not falling for that again this year. After I drink the leprechauns coffee I'm not leaving my trailer. I'm gong to have the last laugh this year.