THE TRAILER PARK VAMPIRE

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so, if you live in the South you should get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

DON’T BE THE VICTIM OF A VAMPIRE

By Madam Mystic Misty Merkel
It is easy to become the victim of a vampire. Too many people do not stay alert and vampires are so sneaky. You almost need eyes in the back of your head. You have to be constantly looking around to make sure that there are not any pasty white fanged monsters creeping up on you. Vampires are like credit card companies; once they sink their teeth into you then you are theirs for life.

Watching out for vampires is especially important this time of year. Vampires are just now starting to arrive back in Northern Michigan from their summer homes in Cancun Mexico. Of course after a long flight the vampire is very hungry for the red stuff and I don’t mean wine. Once back here the vampires quickly open up their private clubs where they meet and have a warm mug of blood. The high class vampires mix expensive wines with their blood and usually drink only the blood of rich yuppie Chicago bankers and movie actors.

These guys are easy prey for vampires since they are out on their yachts most of the time which, means that they are stranded out in the middle of Lake Michigan. I can’t imagine the fear someone must have looking at some vampire monster swooping down on your yacht way out in the middle of nowhere. You’d have just a few seconds to decide if you wanted to be bitten by a vampire or take your chances in the water with the sharks. The choice is between being eaten by sharks and dying or, becoming a powerful creature that lives forever and can shape shift into an animal or a really beautiful human being. What a dilemma the rich and famous face every time they spend a night on their luxury yacht.

Luckily, if you are like me and are unemployed and live in a low cost trailer park out in the backwoods then, you won’t have any vampire hunting you down for your vintage name blood. Still, there are always vampires passing over at night and you never know when one of them might drop in for a snack. That is why you need protection.

Many people believe that you can stop a vampire by hanging up a cross in your doorway. This might work if you vampire is a Catholic but, what if your vampire is Jewish or, Hindu or, some other religion or practices no religion at all. You could not hang up enough different religious symbols to keep out all vampires. If I hung up all the different religious symbols in my doorway it would pull this entire trailer down on my head. I honestly don’t know how the laws of gravity seem to be suspended in regards to this trailer. I’m afraid to sneeze in here because the sudden change in air pressure might blow out the walls.

In truth, the only real way to keep away blood suckers is to put lots of garlic all over your home. Vampires don’t like garlic so it might not be a bad idea to eat a few cloves before you go to bed at night. I’m working on getting a patent on anti-vampire toothpaste based on garlic oil. I figure the garlic will keep vampires from biting you and it will also keep away co-workers and nagging family members. If you work in a store the garlic aroma from your breath will definitely keep customers from bugging you. If the toothpaste catches on I intend on patenting a garlic flavored mouthwash too.

Overall, vampires are sneaky beasts and the only way to keep them and other undesirables away is by smelling like garlic. Garlic breath is an easy way to keep the bad guys away and I recommend my soon to be distributed Madam Misty Merkel’s “PASSION GARLIC TOOTHPASTE TM”. I use the word “PASSION’ in the name because “passion” sells. The original name was “STINK BREATH GARLIC TOOTHPASTE” but, “stink breath” was unpopular with test subjects.

Finally, just be careful out there. And, please remember to buy my vampire repelling toothpaste. If I sell enough of it I might be able to move out of this crummy trailer park to the nice park down the road. It has newer doublewides in it. After all, living in a newer doublewide is the American dream of the 21st century.

MISTY MERKEL MAKES HER DECEMBER PREDICTIONS

THE MYSTIC PSYCHIC OF MICHIGAN
MAKES HER PREDICTIONS
By Mistress Madam Misty Merkel
December will be a great month for those who are selling stuff. People have had such a rotten year and decade so they want to end it all with a celebration of gifts and parties. No one is going to be crying in their beer when they sing “Auld Lang Zein” on January the first 2010. We need to burry this decade for the ages and take a gallon of kindness to forget it forever.

I predict that congress will spend 10 billion dollars to send a delegation to Japan to find out why President Obama apparently made a bow to the emperor. Of course the congressmen, like all western politicians, will also bend over to the Emperor of Japan. Since Japan surrendered to the West after WWII, all diplomats have bowed to the Emperor. It’s not out of respect but, because the emperor likes to show off his martial arts moves by kicking all western leaders in the groin thus, making them bend over in winching pain which appears to be a bow to uneducated observers. The only problem the Emperor had was when Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher of Great Britain visited Japan. When the emperor kicked her in the groin he ended up with three broken bones in the foot. It seems Margaret Thatcher was not called the “Iron Lady” for no reason.

In December the Israeli-Iranian problem will heat up but, will not be resolved. This is just like the relationships I have had with all my married soul mates and significant others. Woe is me. I need a man for the holidays. I especially need one that is rich. I’ll be so glad when Oprah is off the air. I am so tired of competing with that rich broad.

I predict that the vampire movie will continue to be obsessed by young females in December (women under age 24). I know I’m old fashioned but, when a man bites me and beats me around I call the cops.

OCTOBER PREDICTIONS

By Madam Misty Merkel
PSYCHIC AND PSYSIC OF THE NORTH

October will be a month of full moons and witch’s festivals. I also have to find some new car insurance. My insurance agent predicted it would be a lot higher this time because I lost my place downtown to a foreclosure. I also have to pay more because of my psychic powers. It seems the insurance company believes I might trance out while driving. I told them I usually only trance out when I’ve been sipping apricot brandy all day. Well, they cancelled my insurance and said I was high risk in too many ways. It’s funny but, my last boyfriend said the same thing to me.

Since October is a busy month with witches and goblins and such, I got out my Petoskey stones and looked into their eyes. What I saw was not good. It was not good at all. It seems that sometime in October a new menace will be coming to Northern Michigan. It will be an ancient evil; one that has laid low for hundreds of years. At first, all I could see was a bunch of furry things flying through the air. I thought they looked kind of squirrelly and then I realized they were squirrels. They were flying squirrels. But, what could make these flying nutcrackers so evil. Then, I noticed that they were not breathing. Their eyes were cold and unblinking. These squirrels were dead. They were the flying dead. They were zombie flying squirrels. Then these zombie flying squirrels started landing on the heads of all the creatures in the forest and eating brains. These were brain eating zombie flying squirrels. Then the brandy kicked in and I fully tranced out. I don’t remember anything after that.

My advice to anyone going outdoors in October is to wear a hat. And, if it feels like you have a squirrel on your head eating into your brains make sure you shoo him off before he eats something you may need.

Personally, this brain eating zombie squirrel thing is a bit much for me to handle. I already have a female vampire hanging out around here. I’ve been placing cloves of garlic all over the place and even have a necklace of garlic bulbs hanging around my neck. I am wondering though; if garlic keeps vampires away will it keep the dead squirrels away?

I’ve decided to try to keep the zombie rodents away by using garlic flavored nuts. I’ve seen them in the store but, I’m just going to pick up some old nuts that I have lying around the trailer. I’ll then have to flavor the nuts. First, I’ll heat up some oil in a sauce pan then; I’ll stir in the garlic and then add some nuts. When the zombie squirrel smells the garlic nuts, the stench should scare the spook right out of him and into the after life. That bloodsucker chick won’t like the smell of the garlic either. I’ll kill two birds with one stone or, should I say nut.